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How can I make him leave? I'm so miserable

(10 Posts)
jennieflower Thu 10-Sep-09 02:53:36

Hi, sorry for the nocturnal ramblings.

I posted on here 3 months ago as I'd found out that P had cheated on me recently with a girl he'd previously been messing about with. I decided that since he's done it twice he was never going to change and I wasn't prepared to forgive. I asked him to leave our home and he refused, saying he's got nowhere to go and will not leave our 2 DC.

A month later we were getting on a lot better and agreed to try and work at our relationship, I only agreed to do this if he gave me full access to his phone bills, emails etc. He stalled for ages over this but eventually I railroaded him into giving me the passwords for the online phone bills in front of some friends, I did this way because I knew he wouldn't make a scene in front of other people.

So... I looked at his mobile phone bill and found evidence of texts with the girl in question, looking into them further I also found literally hundreds of texts to one of my best friends, sometimes 40 or 50 texts a day! This has been going on since May.

I asked her what was going on and she lied through her teeth, to be honest though the number of texts between them say it all though. And to think her husband suggested to me a few months ago that they were having an affair but I dismissed it completely!

P says nothing has happened, they were just chatting about work, children etc but I don't buy it at all.

Since then, I've told him that we're definitely over, there's no going back, I'll never forgive him etc etc but he just refuses to move out, saying he has nowhere to go, can't afford to rent and won't move out unless we sell our house.

We bought the house 4 years ago, on a 90% mortgage and added to the mortgage 2 years ago to put an extra bedroom on the house, so I'm pretty sure there's virtually no equity at all in the house. I think I can scrape by and pay the mortgage on my own so feel I should really be able to stay here and he should move out. He's got good family and friends nearby and won't struggle to find somewhere to stay but he just refuses to.

By selling the house he won't achieve anything financially but I think he's insisting on this because he knows I don't want to uproot our DC by moving house, changing schools etc, so thinks I'll let him stay here rather than face the upheaval.

He says he really wants to stay and make a go of our relationship yet continues to send my so called friend photo's of himself wanking, and she sends him photo's of herself using a vibrator! (her husband told me this yesterday)

I just can't cope with him being around anymore, every day I hear new things about what he's been up to and I'm becoming more and more depressed. Where do I stand? Can I force him out in any way at all?

teech Thu 10-Sep-09 05:07:54

Go and see a solicitor. Most of them do a free initial consultation and will be full of information. When I was in a similar position (lots of suspicion but no actual proof) it made such a huge difference for a complete stranger to tell me I had very clear grounds for divorce based on his behaviour. I'd not realised people might be 'on my side' until then. I felt really empowered. I filed for divorce myself (there weren't kids involved so it was easier) and after a stalemate of 6 months I moved into rented accommodation.

That was what it took for him to get his head out of the sand over the state of our relationship. It finally clicked for him that I wasn't going to put up with his behaviour. Until that moment I think he honestly thought that all the 'talks' we'd had about me being unhappy were just me blowing off steam! That was when we finally started communicating properly.

jennieflower Thu 10-Sep-09 07:52:24

Thanks Teech, we're not married so I really don't know where I stand, I guess a solicitor would be able to advise on that though.

missingtheaction Thu 10-Sep-09 07:58:35

If you own the house together and have dc's together then definitely.

HappyWoman Thu 10-Sep-09 10:39:37

yes talk to a solicitor - he may be able to come up with some sort of buy-out for you where you can stay in the house anyway.
Gather evidence too - and if need by shame him with it, he sounds as if he cares more what others think than he does what you think.

lilacclaire Thu 10-Sep-09 14:22:06

Tell people what is happening as well and get some real life support, whether it be his family and friends as well as your own.
This will make it more real to him also and he may be more likely to move out when he realises that there is no second chance.

jennieflower Thu 10-Sep-09 20:24:52

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice.

Lilacclaire, you must be a mind reader, I've not told our friends and family, only 2 very close friends. I'm so embarrassed that I've ended up in this situation. He says I can't tell his family because his mum is quite frail and the news would finish her off. So he's turning it around and making it my fault.

Stupidly, I do love him, I can't imagine life without him, and can't imagine raising our children on my own. However, I'm not prepared to be in a relationship with someone that has lied and been unfaithful to me so many times.

He forgot my birthday this year, it was on my second day back at work after my maternity leave so he knew I was feeling a bit fragile. I thought he was teasing me and planning something special but I called him at lunchtime and he told me he was busy at work and couldn't talk. He only remembered what day it was when he got home from work and saw all my birthday messages on facebook. he sent me a text to say happy birthday. I didn't get a card or present from him. When I checked his mobile phone bill he'd sent the OW nearly 50 texts over the course of that day!

Anyway, I'm rambling again blush

SolidGoldBrass Thu 10-Sep-09 20:29:28

Everything will start to feel better once you have ended this relationship. He deosn't love you and is not prepared to treat you with kindness and consideration. That;s because he's a complete cock. He wants you to carry on cooking, cleaning and looking after the DC while he shags around and does what he wants, that's his bottom line here.
A solicitor will be able to let you know exactly where you stand. You may be able to get him out of the house on the grounds that you haven't done anything wrong and he has breached the agreement under which you bought a house together, not sure about this but ask a solicitor.

Slashtrophe Thu 10-Sep-09 21:58:01

I'm pretty sure a solicitor can serve an eviction order on him. I left my family home and rented; and the solicitors I saw said basically I should have stayed where I was and they could have forced him to leave (we weren't married either). Also try the CAB, they are brilliant and carry a lot of weight. Legal letters will probably shock him out of his position as well. The best of luck, power to you for not just taking it.

Slashtrophe Thu 10-Sep-09 22:00:48

Plus the minute he is out get onto tax credits ( etc, there is a lot of help out there. You can do it, he's been an utter cock.

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