I want to leave but how, where can I go?

[MamaAlly]

I'm sorry to start a new thread but hope that someone can help me. This is really a contination of my earlier post re: dh's nocturnal wanking :-( (sorry I don't know how to do those link things to another topic)

Some of you might think I'm being stupid wanting to leave over something so trivial but tbh this has all been a bit of a wake up call for me. I don't think I'd realised just how miserable with everything I was and this is really the straw that broke the camels back for me :-( I never saw dh has controlling, I saw it as him taking a manly leading role really and accepted that has part of how he was/is but I'm starting to realise theres a lot more to it and don't think I can take much more.

He's never liked me going out or seeing friends but he's always said that it's because he worries for my safty if I'm out and would hate anything to happen to me. Now I'm not too sure this is the real reason as he does what he wants, when he wants, goes where he wants, without question or discussion so it's just me he worries for and not himself??

I don't have anywhere to go, theres not a hope in hell dh would leave if I asked him and have no idea where to turn or who to ask for help. please can someone give me a starting point before I go insane x

[deste]

I'm sorry I cant help much but I see people on here being directed to Womens Aid. Someone will be along shortly to help I'm sure.

[purplepeony]

Go to the CAB or find a solicitor who offers a free 30 minute consultation and talk money issues with them.

I have no personal experience of what it is like to leave, or be left, but others have.

If you were to divorce, you could do so quickly if you can prove unreasonable behaviour- that way, you might get a settlement quickly.

I think the general advice is do not move out of the marital home if you have kids. However, I don't know what you can do now- can you afford to rent anywhere? Live with family? Apply for council housing? Not sure, but you are being brave so good luck.

[MamaAlly]

Thank you, I'll try to find out about womensaid. We don't have a CAB near us, I think the nearest is a few towns away about a 40 min journey by car or thereabouts, so I bit of a struggle to get there and not have to answer 101 questions.

The house we live in now is rented, I think it's in joint names but not 100% sure but he wouldn't go and is clever enough not to do anything to see that he can be removed, he's a real charmer when he wants to be around others :-|

I'm not sure if I could afford rent on my own but I'm assuming there would be some kind of help if I'm a single mother? not clued up on benefits though so more wishful thinking on my part.

My mum only has a small council bungalow so no room at the inn there sadly :-(

I've been on the housing list since 2005 when I found out about O/W and was going to leave. They have some kind of points system but you have to acknowledge an interest in a property thats advertised. They have a few properties listed as available each week and I think it's whoevers been on the waiting list the longest gets it unless you have an urgent need.

[abedelia]

Are you working? If so, give tax credits a call in the morning as you might be pleasantly surprised at what they can do. But you need to get to a solicitor asap. Do you have a joint bank account - if so, let the bank know so he can't empty the account? Do you know how much money your H has? If he has left bank statements around then photocopy them so he can't pretend he has nothing later. You also need to ask about how to get your name off the tenancy without him suddenly deciding to only pay half and tell the landlord you are liable for the rest.

Don't let on that you are off until you have the legal and housing side sorted out.

[NanaNina]

MamaAlly. You really need to go to CAB as they will be able to give you good advice. I am assuming you do not work? and have no income. If that is the case you could find a property to rent where the owner would acept Housing Benefit. Then you apply for this benefit from your local housing authority and dependent upon your financial circumstances the rent could be paid in full. You wouldhave to pay 1 months rent in advance and a deposit, but if you are totally without money, the local housing authority will sometimes loan this money to you.

Alternatively you could apply to the local Housing authority for temporary accommodation but the trouble with that is that they will assess whether you are "intentionally" or "unintentionally" homeless and if thelatter will only offer emergency accdt for a very short period to give youchance to find your own private rented accommodation. You could contact SHELTER (google for details)as they are the frontrunners in terms of offering advice about housing. Sometimes someone from Shelter will accompany you to the housing office.

You need to be prepared to go to CAB/solicitor/Shelter/Housing authority in order to get the information you need though you could start by looking at their web sites as there is a lot of useful information about housing and welfare rights.

It is perfectly possible for you to leave your H and set up with your children - it won't be easy but thousands of women do it and manage OK. You would be able to claim benefits for yourself and the children though your H would have to pay maintenance for the children, but you need legal advice about this.

Take it one step at a time and find out about what benefits you can claim and about finding alternative accommoddation. When you have appts, take a notebook and write things down so you keep it all in mind.

Good luck!

[AnAuntieNotAMum]

Sorry I can't offer you practical advice but have you seen the link that has been on a few threads

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Good advice there on how to prepare yourself and defend yourself while detaching from such a person.

You say you'll have to answer 101 questions to get away to go to the CAB - you'll find a way - it sounds like this man needs you much more than you need him.

Wishing you strength to get through this.

[MamaAlly]

Thanks, I'll try and find as much info as I can online and take it from there. I'm a bit stuck for transport if he goes out because he will take the car but I'm sure I'll find a way round it. I will give them a call when he's out and try and sort out a time to go that doesn't arouse too much suspicion.

NanaNina - No I do work, I'm the main bread winner and claim tax credits, child benefit too. The money is all paid into my bank account (don't have a joint one) and bills, rent, council tax etc etc all get paid via DD from there. DH has my bank card so that he can go and draw money as and when for shopping / petrol and other expenses. I do feel a bit of a shit tbh as I know he will not be able to manage financially if I left as he only works occasionally for friends / family business when he's needed, which is getting less and less now. It was maybe a few times a month but he's only asked to help now once or twice a month. He's never accepted money for it as he mainly helps his brother out who runs his own carpentry business and is very handy so he does odd jobs instead and has made us 2 new doors for the house.

I work from home and can work around the dc & other things most days (I've actually done pretty much sod all today and will just catch up) my hours are flexible really unless I have to contact people at certain times so I think logistically I could manage to continue working but unsure whether financially it would be viable, god!! I feel like a right bloody scrounger saying that :-(

He's gone to bed early tonight, fully clothed - WTF is all that about??? and we've still not spoken a word to each other. Never in all the time we've been together as that happened before.

[AnAuntieNotAMum]

"I do feel a bit of a shit tbh as I know he will not be able to manage financially"

He is a grown man, not a child, and not physically ill in any way is he? I also understand that you pretty much do everything around the house?
There is no need to feel guilty about making him stand on his own two feet.

[MamaAlly]

I really do understand what your saying A.A.N.A.M, I'm just a born worrier I think and I've always put everyone elses needs / wants above my own.

He does take the dc to school / pick them up and run them to friends / clubs etc but he's not a housework type of guy lol. I'd been doing a lot of paperwork last week and didn't get round to cleaning the kitchen after breakfast and by the time I got round to making a cuppa about 3'ish the kitchen looked like a bomb had hit it. Granted all the dc where on summer hols and they don't know how to use the same cup or glass for a drink lol but I said to dh, 'god this bloody kitchen looks like a right shithole' and his response was 'you make me feel like everything is my responsibilty' I was too gob smacked to respond and just shook my head and walked away

[AnAuntieNotAMum]

Putting other's needs and wants above your own means that you can be so easily be the target for people that abuse your good nature. I've been there too. I am only coming to understand now in my forties that I've provided supply to narcissists for years and years. However, I can't only blame those who have used me, I have to accept that I've allowed this to happen and to some extent enabled these people. We all set our patterns but sometimes they become just too damaging and need to be broken.

It's so painful when someone does what your DH did - shows you love and kindness and then withdraws it - leaves you craving for its return doesn't it?

[SolidGoldBrass]

MA, contact Women's Aid. They will help. Your H is a horrid little bellend of a very common type. It is perfectly possible to get rid of him and survive and be, in fact, an awful lot happier without him.
Does anyone know if the Moll Flounders thread is still around? That ought to be the standard inspirational story for women stuck with arsehole men.

[blinks]

oooo AnAuntieNotAMum- good post. very insightful.