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Reading another thread & something has just clicked, could my DH have a reason for his odd behviours?

(12 Posts)
AvadaKedavra Wed 09-Sep-09 11:12:28

Just been reading the wanking in the night thread and something someone said about this woman's DP just clicked in my head.

My DH has no friends, hadn't lived with anyone until I moved in, lost his virginity very late and in an unusual way, speaks to himself and doesn't realise he does it, is always fiddling with something a pen, a remote, making squeaky noises or clicky noises. He likes order, he likes to make lists/spreadsheets. He reads books of facts and figures like we would read novels. He loves scoreboards/tables. He works with numbers. He is rather shy, meek, timid although comes out of his shel once he knows you.

Our sex life is bad, he has never touched me between my legs, won't entertain the idea of oral, in 5 yrs I can count the number of times he has initiated sex on one hand, he has admitted he can't read cues, never knows if I am up for it or wther he should approach me - despite several "everything coming to a head" talks wher we both agree to a plan of action so to speak, he hasn't made any moves to do it and seems happy enough.
He watches porn/reads sex forums a lot(don't have a problem with porn myself) and masturbates although probably not as much as I think. We have had sex twice in the last 8 weeks. Which I think is bad for someone who is so interested in sex, he doesn't seem that interested in actually doing it! It's also very mechanical and short.

I've been having huge problems dealing with all this, how I feel about it all, the fact that I am left wondering if it's me or him, does he simply not fancy me, does he want to leave, is our marriage over etc I'm a very sexual person and I need that closeness.

Could all this actually add up to something like Aspergers?

Or is it just me looking for reasons to excuse how he is?

onetiredmummy Wed 09-Sep-09 11:28:56

That sounds so hard to live with.

To be honest I can't help other than point you to the special needs threads where Aspergers is maybe more understood or where somebody will recognise the 'symptoms' & be able to help.

cheerfulvicky Wed 09-Sep-09 11:50:17

I'm in a similar situation to you. It was the Aspergers thread on this forum that made the blood drain from my face. When I read up a bit more online, it was uncanny. Like reading about someone who has followed my DP around his whole life, and then written about him.

Have a look at the link on the wanking thread that I posted. If you suspect your DH might have aspergers, you might want to read up on it. I'm reading Asperger Syndrome - A Love Story, which has been helpful.

From my extremely limited knowledge, most of the traits you have mentioned can be found in people with AS. That's not to say your DH is aspergers, but it's possible. If you ever want to talk about it, you can talk here or via email. I keep meaning to get around to showing my face on the aspergers thread, but to be hnest, I think I'm scared because then I'll have to admit that it's real. Gulp.

Hope you get some answers!

AvadaKedavra Wed 09-Sep-09 12:38:50

Thanks cheerfulvicky, will go and look. Oh the OP has gone on that but will still read can probably get the gist of it.

Basically I need to know if my DH is just a shit husband or not, and go from there really.I'll copy this to the special needs bit, if I can find it! blush

OTM it is hard, but then there are lots of good points that I would take all day to mention. It's not all doom and gloom although it's my main worry atm. The sex thing is the big thing for me having had little to no sexlife with previous partner it's left me with a huge need for it, almost to have validation if that makes sense. Probably not.

MaryBS Wed 09-Sep-09 13:33:37

He sounds like an Aspie to me. Would he consider doing online tests, to give you/him some sort of indication?

AvadaKedavra Wed 09-Sep-09 14:04:49

Thanks for looking Mary, I think so. I've not obviously spoken to him about any of this as it was only this morning I had the lightbulb moment.

Will maybe try and talk with him later, I have a feeling he would be relieved that it might be something beyond his control rather than the fact he is just crap sad I've been going on at him a bit about sex recently and kind of laying all the blame at his door. He just looks at me with this little schoolboy/puppy dog face. sad

MaryBS Wed 09-Sep-09 17:21:43

Be aware though, it IS a shock, the first time you come across it. I took it very badly the thought that I might have Asperger's, with the double whammy I recognised it in myself because of my son's diagnosis. He might not take it that well at first, but given a chance to think about it, might come to terms with it.

If you have a look at the aspie husbands thread, there was a suggestion on how to tackle it, that I lifted from a very helpful book on Asperger's - you might like to look at that.

AvadaKedavra Wed 09-Sep-09 20:39:33

Well I braoched it with him tonight - I lied a little and told him I'd been looking online for some help around our sex problems and had stumbled across something and did he think that the things I was describing (some of the things I mentioned above) sounded like him and he agreed it did. I then said that these were traits displayed by aspies (thank gosh for that abbreviation!)

I told him there was a test that may offer some insight and that we should both do it.

I did the test and scored 16.

DH did the test (although two of his answers he insists are disagree when if I had to fill it in about him I would put agree) and he scored 31. (32 with corrected answers from me though).

MaryBS Wed 09-Sep-09 21:37:05

Well, I guess that shows something (I think I scored 35), any ideas where you want to take this?

AvadaKedavra Thu 10-Sep-09 07:40:42

I've left it at that now, like was said on the other thread, for him to digest it and think about it and work out if maybe he would like to be assessed.

Strangely, we had sex last night. He seemed a lot "lighter" last night, maybe it's a weight off his mind?

Would it be ok to join in on the other thread do you think?

MaryBS Thu 10-Sep-09 07:42:06

I'm sure you'd be welcome, the more the merrier. I hope you can get something sorted between you.

Hando Thu 10-Sep-09 11:19:58

Aw I do hope it all works out.

I'm a bit hmm at that test though. I did the test now and scored 31. I guess that's quite high? I don't have Aspergers.

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