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Woke up to dh wanking again and don't know really how I feel :-(

(114 Posts)
MamaAlly Wed 09-Sep-09 05:56:06

For the past few of weeks I've not been sleeping very well and keep waking around 1.30 - 2am 'ish. Each time I've done this dh is awake and flicking through the sky channels from one porn style / mens movie channel to another and lay there pleasuring himself. Tonight he was doing it again and I feel really unsettled almost quite sick about it.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm in no way opposed to porn or pleasuring yourself but it's the way in which he's doing it thats bothering me.

Over the 15+ years we've been together I've suggested watching something prn'ish / erotic together a few times but each time dh has scrunched up his nose and said he's not into it. No problem and each to their own. I have and always have had quite a high sex drive and would happily partake in sex every night of the week if dh wanted but he's got and always had a low sex drive and 2 - 4 times a month is usually all he wants. If I suggest it or try to instigate it he says I'm a nymph and tells me I put too much emphasis on sex in a relationship !!!!

Like alot of longterm relationships / marriages we've had our low points and I've always tried to put a more effort in and spice things up and add a bit of fun into the relationship. I've bought over the years a selection of various adult toys etc but he just doesn't seem interested in them. He won't under any circumstances let me cuff him to the bed or blindfold him and thinks that if I want to bring any toys into the bed it makes him feel that I'm not happy with what he has to offer. No matter how many times I've tried over and over again to reasure him that I'm very happy and just wanted to add a little bit of spice and something different we could both enjoy he's not impressed with it.

I've accepted the way he feels without any complaints and although he knows where they all are and if he ever decides he would like to try anything out I'm more than happy but I've said no more about the matter.

This is really whats pissing me off tbh, I feel like I don't know him at all, he is well aware that I enjoy to watch him touching / stroking himself and it turns me on and am more than willing to watch or get involved. All the years he's been telling me he's not into porn but I've woken up to him watching it several times now :-(

I just don't know what the hell to think. We had sex on Monday night so it's not like he's gone without for ages and I'd have been more than accommodating had he woke me up as he well knows. I was really quite upset and pissed off about it this time though and just as he climaxed I got up and went to the loo so he knew I was awake. When I came back he'd obviously cleaned it up and rolled over pretending to be asleep.

Now I'm up, going over it all in my head wondering what if anything to say to him and can't get back to fecking sleep angry

HecatesTwopenceworth Wed 09-Sep-09 06:58:12

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel.

Some people don't like to be watched, makes them feel silly / uncomfortable.

Maybe he's just 'scratching an itch' so to speak, and doesn't want it to turn into a session where he has to focus on another person - iyswim.

It really doesn't have to mean it's a rejection of you - although your attempts to "spice things up" could - could - have made him feel he's not good enough for you. You know how funny some men can get about any hint or any word that could possibly be interpreted as a criticism of their lovemaking! They have to be sex gods, the best you've ever had! grin If he's the insecure type does he feel inadequate? Maybe. Or maybe not. I don't know.

Which is why you need to ask him. grin

MamaAlly Wed 09-Sep-09 08:58:11

I don't think he feels inadequate, I'm not the quitest in the world and do like to let him know he's hitting the right spot lol. He likes to let me watch and usually takes my hand and guides me to him when he wants me to join in etc. If it was just an 'itch' so to speak lol, I have no problem at all. Infact I have no problem at all with him pleasuring himself if he wants to.

One of my concerns is now how long as it been going on for and why? He knows I'm always ready and willing for a full session, a quicky or just giving him an helping hand if thats all he wants. It's so infrequent he wants to I'm happy for anything offered lol. I just can't get my head around why he feels the need to be so secretive about it all.

He hasn't even spoke to me this morning. The water has been switched on and he's got clean clothes out and folded in the bathroom and I knows he's planning on going out today and now my minds wandering in directions I fear to think about :-(

it sounds like your pressurising him for it constant and its putting him off.

same as many women who are badgered for it 7 days a week by their OH are also less likely to initiate as they are fed up being pestered.

as for the toys.... did you discuss whether or not he would like to try them... or just go out and buy them and present them to him.

if toys are not his cup of tea then you cant just "suprise" him with them. specially if the toy in question is a 10 inch dildo (making him feel small and useless)... or a whip with pinwheel (ouch)

he doesn't go for bondage obviously as has rejected your idea.

stop pressurising him and asking for it.

it sounds like you aren't respecting his wishes at all.

there's nothing wrong with him wanting normal sex without a dominant/passive role.

kormachameleon Wed 09-Sep-09 09:15:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sorky Wed 09-Sep-09 09:25:44

It does sound as if maybe you're not that well-matched sexually.

From what you write you give the impression that you're perhaps a bit of a Domme, which maybe not what he is into/looking for.
Has it always been like this or is it a more recent occurrence? 15 years seems like a long time to be sexually incompatible.

MamaAlly Wed 09-Sep-09 09:43:13

pmsl, thankyou for your comments I really needed a good belly laugh I've been getting myself into a bit of a tizz about this and your comments about me being a dominant partner/porn star etc really did tickle me :D

We've only ever had 'normal' sex, he's very set in his ways and the only position he does is the missionary position. I think I may be giving the wrong impression of myself from your comments, but honestly, I've never pressured him for sex. We have discussed it in the past and he knows I'm happy with everything and have no problem with 2 -4 times a month.

The reason I bought a few things to spice things up a bit was that he goes through periods where he can go off sex for months at a time. We've been together over 15 years and I would hate to think he's bored with doing it with the same person and no I didn't discuss it with him beforehand. I appreciate I should possibly have done so but he doesn't understand why women would want a rabbit if they have a partner so I guess I thought I already knew what he would say and hoped he might just want to try something for a laugh.

I didn't get any whips, 10 inch dildos etc lmao. I bought a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs, a pink silky scarf, a packet of cock rings and a little clit vibe. Feel quite embarrased telling you all that though :-|

I would honestly hope we wouldn't have to sit through a full length film but just thought it might get him in the mood a little more. Theres been times when we've not had sex for between 6 - 12 months and I've never said anything to him about it. I guess I just figure when he wants to he'll let me know as I know he's not keen on me instigating anything, he's a little old fashioned that way. Although I'd like to just give him a kiss & cuddle when we go to bed and nothing more he see's that has me trying for more so I don't do that either anymore

MamaAlly Wed 09-Sep-09 09:45:59

Hi sorky, no it's always been the same. Like I've said, it really doesn't bother me at all the infrequency, I love him and happy with him. It's not like I'm gagging for it and trying to force him into getting more. It was just the fact that over the past few months waking to find him watching porn and pleasuring himself. Thats all thats bothering me and wondering why?

sorky Wed 09-Sep-09 09:50:47

OMG MamaAlly how do you cope?

I certainly wouldn't describe myself as a 'nymph', but I wouldn't be happy with 3/4 per month at best. It doesn't sound like you are either.

If it were me I'd feel bound by his sexual terms/conditions and couldn't put up with it. What you describe sounds less uninterested (given he's masturbating) and more controlling from him.
If he doesn't like you to ask he effectively controls when you have sex. If he only does one position he controls that too. He chooses when he has his release. He decides no toys etc.

sorky Wed 09-Sep-09 09:51:46

Is he a tidy neat person too, in other aspects of life.

wannaBe Wed 09-Sep-09 10:01:22

"he doesn't understand why women would want a rabbit if they have a partner" yet he has a partner but relies on porn/his right hand? hmm

If he genuinely had a low sex drive and only wanted sex a couple of times a month then that would be one thing, but he is rejecting the op in favour of porn which he is disrespectful enough to watch while she, his wife, is lying in bed next to him. The message he's basically giving is "I don't want to have sex with you, but you lie here while I watch this porn and pleasure myself."

I can totally understand why the op feels upset about this. And I agree - he sounds controlling, in a very suttle way.

MamaAlly Wed 09-Sep-09 10:06:07

I wish he was tidy & neat sorky, he's really quite lazy and messy. I'm used to the way he is as he's always been this way. Even when we where dating in the first few months he never made a move on me at all. We'd been together over 6 months before we did anything more than kiss and over a period of time after that subject of sex within a relationship was broached and he told me then that it wasn't a major factor to him.

I'd previously been with a man who was very abusive, emotionally & physically and dh was the complete opposite. He was loving and sweet and it felt good being treated so differently. The sex or lack of has never been an issue between us. Obviously he knows I would be happy if he wanted it more often but he also knows I am happy with what we do have.

It's just that I do love him and want to cuddle him, kiss him, please him and it does kind of hurt that he's secretly pleasing himself and I don't know why :-(

sorky Wed 09-Sep-09 10:08:11

What do you think would be his reaction if you said you didn't like him doing it and wanted him to stop?

victoriascrumptious Wed 09-Sep-09 10:13:38

My take on it is that he's got quite low self esteem-he could also be a bit depressed. Depression brings on copious wanking and porn watching in men. Maybe the idea of involving you is a stretch to far for him. Like another posters said-he's probably scratching an itch.

Now the automatic thing to say would be "talk to him about it" but it's not that simple, talking to men with low self esteem about sex and the insigation that there is "something wrong" with them is a big fat minefield.

If I were you id ignore the noctural wanky-wankies and ask him if there is anything bothering him in the daytime....but don't link it in to the wanking or your sexlife. I'd also give him lots of cuddles and don't pressure him for sex AT ALL.

I don't think it can be a sign of an affair if that's what's bothering you

victoriascrumptious Wed 09-Sep-09 10:15:40

Also...if he admits that he is feeling a bit low can you gently ask whether he might want to get involved in sport or the gym once a week? Be careful you put it in a way that doesnt make him think that you are calling him fat.

MamaAlly Wed 09-Sep-09 10:25:07

I'm sorry, I think I've tried to joke over this a little to hide how much I'm hurt by it :-(

I am happy but I would like more and I guess if asking dh if we're having an early night tonight or are ya ready for bed yet sexy is pestering or being dominate then I'm guilty as charged.

Usually if I say are we having an early night his response is 'what do you call early' then goes off doing something else on the pc or something so I don't ask anymore.

Our sex lives as always been the same since we got together we both accept it and theres never any arguments or anything about it. I have in the past made a jokey comment on the lines of wait till I get you to bed tonight or something to that affect but I've never been moody about it etc.

He's always in the past said to me that he doesn't understand why a man or women would masterbate or use anything to pleasure themselves if they have a partner and has told me he hasn't masterbated since before he met me. Thats really why I'm in such a tizzy and can't understand whats going on. He will on occasion start himself off while in bed with me when we're going to have sex and pull me to him to assist but I've never been aware of him doing it for himself when I'm not around. I don't really care if he does or he wants to it's just really that why make out to me he's not interested in sex but will pleasure himself. It's making me feel quite sick with worry about whats going on tbh.

I knew he would be going out today, he has the same routine and goes out every wednesday. He's had a bath, shaved and got dressed in smart t-shirt, jeans & his new trainers. He's still not spoken to me at all so I'm guessing he thinks I was awake and knows what he was doing last night and he's either embarrassed or just doesn't want to talk about it, I don't know my heads spinning with it now :-(

Tortington Wed 09-Sep-09 10:28:57

i think it;s hugely disrespectful to wank in the same rom as your partner when they are not involved.

in your situation - i woudl just get thoroughlly cross - throw a box of tissues at him and tell him to fuck off downstairs

MamaAlly Wed 09-Sep-09 10:31:00

I can't talk to him about it, I really don't know what to say or where to start. I don't want to embarrass him or make him feel he's wrong/dirty etc.

He's definately not depressed though, he's not a sports player but will watch anything involving sport. He likes routine and pretty much does what he wants when he wants but to suit his plans/times etc. He says I spend too much money when I go shopping so he's been doing it now for a few months and he goes every monday evening around the same time. He goes off to some auction place every monday and wednesday and goes to his dads every sunday. I could pretty much set my clock by him.

victoriascrumptious Wed 09-Sep-09 10:45:29

Ally, it really sounds like he doesnt have much confidence in himself and/or he's stressed out about something.

Out of curiousity where does he go on monday evenings?

2rebecca Wed 09-Sep-09 10:49:31

I agree with custardo. This thread makes me really glad we don't have a TV in our bedroom. I would far rather my husband went downstairs or to the bathroom if he was that desperate in the middle of the night. If he was wanking regularly but not wanting to have sex with me then I would want this discussed as I would suspect he didn't fancy me any more.

cheerfulvicky Wed 09-Sep-09 10:49:40

He sounds (with the routines) a bit like my DP, who I'm starting to suspect may have aspergers. He also has a lower sex drive than me.

I do think you've been really nice about the whole thing, not mentioning it when he went off sex for long periods of time. And I'm afraid my reaction to the whole wanking in bed thing would have been similar to custardo's.
I also don't have a problem with that kind of thing per se, it's when it's diminishing the mans desire to have sex with his partner that it seems unfair.
No advice, just lots of sympathy...

2rebecca Wed 09-Sep-09 10:51:22

I also suspect the fact the op isn't sleeping well and when she wakes husband is wanking to the tv are probably linked. All that jiggling around is likely to wake someone in the same bed.

sorky Wed 09-Sep-09 10:51:46

He doesn't sound at all depressed to me, he sounds controlling.

Does he work? Do you?

MamaAlly Wed 09-Sep-09 10:51:57

He goes shopping to the supermarket on Monday evening. Tbh I thought he'd probably go once or twice then say it was boring lol but he's been doing it for months now. He did used to be there and back within an hour but he can be gone 2 or more hours now. He says he's checking out the best offers/bargains but I'm starting to wonder now if I've just been naive in beleiving that?

2rebecca Wed 09-Sep-09 10:56:10

I can be over an hour doing main shop with 5-10 min drive there and back but 2 hours sounds excessive. I'd offer to do the shopping and have him look after kids or go with him once or twice (not much fun if young kids though and I've never really got couples who go to the supermarket in 2s. Why bore both of you?

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