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I feel so lonely and lost please help

(10 Posts)
morningstar Tue 08-Sep-09 19:54:47

I have two children and currently a SAHM I am currently trying to go back to work but because of childcare will have to look at working evenings hopefully in a office.
I have a partner who works long hours he pays all the bills and when we are together he bugm me and I resent him and I feel he has a life and I dont, Im with our kids 24/7 and I feel very lonely as he is working footie or out with friends and when we are together he irrates me this is not what I thought my life would be like where do I go from here.?sad

ADifferentMe Tue 08-Sep-09 20:09:40

How old are your DCs?

Is your relationship with DP good enough to talk to him about your loneliness without it sounding like you're accusing him?

You're describing just how I felt as a SAHM and how I still feel about my DP!

morningstar Tue 08-Sep-09 20:14:54

My dc's are 20 mnths and 4, We have been together a long time I can talk to him but dont know if I really care enough anymore.

ADifferentMe Tue 08-Sep-09 21:44:59

Sorry for the delay in coming back, I keep being thrown off here by DD.

You sound very depressed. Do you have friends in RL you can talk to? I remember how isolated I felt when mine were that age. I wasn't an earth mother type and found I was bored, much as I loved them.

Have you looked at jobs in schools/nurseries where you could work around your children? Is your eldest at school yet? Helping out at school/pre-school voluntarily would at least get you out of the house.

What about your partner giving taking them off swimming or something once a week so you have time to yourself? Evening class? Sounds cheesy, but I did cake decorating when mine were tiny - I was hopeless but it was great fun and meant that I spent three hours a week concentrating on something that wasn't child related.

cherryblossoms Tue 08-Sep-09 22:30:16

Hello Morningstar.

I'd repeat everything Adifferentme suggested; try and extend your networks, little step by little step, be aware it's hard at first, and slow, daunting work, but so worth it; negotiate some time to yourself whilst your dh does a bit more. If he's off doing footie, then you should be getting (at least) equal recreational time.

As regards your relationship. Hmmm. Well, sadly, it is really hard to diagnose with the info. to hand and also with the age of your dc. There is no doubt that with dc this age life is hard and it takes a terrible emotinal toll on your relationship.

Going on your post, and only on that (I don't have any insight to your situation,) you sound very ground down. It might well be that being able to care a bit more would rise in direct relation to how much autonomy, freedom and self-hood you are able to get back in your current role, either as a SAHM or p/t working.

So I think it might be a really good idea to really try and negotiate some more time and space to yourself. If you are just being pushed into f/t caring and nothing else, no wonder you look at him and all you see is an image of something you don't have. Most people would resent that.

Does he share childcare and related tasks when he's around?

morningstar Wed 09-Sep-09 10:50:50

Yes I do feel down as I tried to get a job in the daytime thinking we would get help with child care but was advised my partner earns to much so feel down about that, all it leaves me is to work mon and friday mum and mil may be able to help.if not i will have to work evenings.
Tbh I dont see anyone and dont have any hobbies I have just got into a rut and cant pull myself out.
As for my partner he works long hours comes in goes upsatirs to have a shower then lays on the bed, sometimes he goes out in the week and at weekends he takes ds out to footie but apart from that it doesnt feel like a family unit and he is not romantic, money is tight at the moment I sometimes think would I be better on my own or does everyone feel like I do?

ADifferentMe Wed 09-Sep-09 12:15:03

Yes, I do feel like you do and have for many years - please sort this out before you end up like me!

How would he react if he said you wanted one evening/morning to do your thing? It's also important that you have time where you do something as a family and as a couple. My DH leads a separate life to us and is unwilling to change, your at an earlier stage in your DCs life and still have a chance.

What did you like doing before the DCs came along? What sort of job did you do?

morningstar Wed 09-Sep-09 20:09:06

I used to like meeting with friends for a drink and a chat or coffee, My job was working in a office and I had loades of friends but since leaving I dont do anything anymore.
Thursdays nights were my night out i dont go out now because of being lazy and make excuses I should start it up again he would support me.
This weekend he stayed with us which was lovely so he does make a effort , I have thought about joining a toddler group which im going to look into.
And im going to look into college and going back to work although i need to fit round childcare and talk to MIL and Mum about this.Thank you for listening what happened with you are you alone or with someone. xx

bubble1 Wed 09-Sep-09 20:41:55

Is it just me or do all mothers feel the same?
Every reply to morningstar has been the same...pissed off with hubby who doen't participate in the family, just keeps reminding us that if it wasn't for him bringing in the money we'd be living in a cardboard box. I have so many times thought that I was the only person who felt like this.
Well not any more. We ladies are going to make a stand. I am going to start a club...The MSP Club which stands for THE MARRIED SINGLE PARENTS CLUB. I, and by the sounds of it, lots of other women have had enough of this shit!!! We are basically SINGLE Parents who have the added privelige of washing cooking cleaning and giving the occassional blow job to some selfish bastard who goes out playing footie with his mates and generally behaves exactly the same as he did when he was a single guy out on the pull every night. Well, STUFF THAT FOR A GAME OF SOLDIERS.
Anybody out there in this position, who feels like they are being walked all over by their partner ( men being used this way also welcome) pleases contact me. WE NEED TO MAKE A STAND!!!

morningstar Thu 10-Sep-09 10:20:41

Im in bubble1 you made me lol,I agree with you 100%, we are either married living in sin with these men,and we do the washing,cooking,caring,cleaning and we are meant to be grateful for all of this and their excuse is I work so im entitled to be a selfish pig and you should be happy that we have a roof over are heads I work long hours and a man needs a beer and buddy time with his friends, good I say bog of and live with them if you love them that much lol.

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