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Am hitting a wall...........please, good advice

(13 Posts)
ithinkican Tue 08-Sep-09 12:22:59


I was advised to post this in relationships.

This is getting harder and harder to deal with, Im feeling weaker and weaker about it. Im now feeling like a traitor, like if i can help him then who can, I feel like im not supporting him and just leaving him to sort his mess out himself, and that isnt what being in a pratnership is all about, we have no vows to live up to but we have children to answer to, what if i turn my back on him and something awful happens..

What can I do sad

Anniegetyourgun Tue 08-Sep-09 12:42:12

I'm sorry, it is very difficult to give advice when you say so little about your problems. Did you explain in another thread? Could you link it here or copy the post?

ithinkican Tue 08-Sep-09 12:50:54

Annie..there is a link in my post smile

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 08-Sep-09 13:00:27

I have read the other thread you posted.

You as his partner are the last person on earth who can help him. I do not mean this unkindly but many people in these situations end up acting as the addict's enabler. This actually helps no-one, least of all you.

You are NOT, repeat NOT responsible for him, he has made a choice here and his primary relationship is with his drug of choice. Let him carry on with his life, do not "help" him any more because it really does not help him. He needs to see the consequences for his actions, enabling takes that away.

You are only responsible for your own self and any children you have.

emeraldgirl1 Tue 08-Sep-09 13:06:25


I am so sorry to hear that you are having this awful time. I have read your OP and it sounds as though you are doing so well to hold it all together. I have to echo what Attila says, you are not responsible for your husband. You ARE responsible for yourself and your DCs. Hard and scary though it is to cut him out of your life, it has to be done I think, and it will only get that little bit easier as time goes on. You can do it and it is better for him not to enable him, however persuasive he may be.

ithinkican Tue 08-Sep-09 13:11:36

You have just stopped me cracking and phoning him to see if he is ok, thankyou smile

Im feeling so responsible, and you are completely right about feeling like his enabler, in that respect I feel responsible and guilty, and therefore feel like I should do something to help, but I cant sad...even if i wanted to, I physically dont have time and energy.

I feel so heartless

emeraldgirl1 Tue 08-Sep-09 13:19:20

Hi again ithinkican

I wish I had more and better advice to offer!! But glad to hear that you didn't crack and call him. It's the baby steps that all add up to one big marathon, and from my own experience (not of living with an addict but from suffering from my own depression and eating disorders) I can say hand on heart that it is best to take these things not even one day at a time but one hour or half-hour at a time!

Can you keep busy, see friends, work, anything at all, to keep your mind from worrying over this issue and to keep yourself from contacting him?

Have you thought about support organisations, I wish I could give personal experience but I am dimly aware of an organisation called A-Anon that deals with relatives and partners of people with addictions, I am fairly sure drugs as well as drink... Might be worth a call or some internet research?

emeraldgirl1 Tue 08-Sep-09 13:19:46

Sorry, it is Al-Anon, I typed wrongly!!!

Anniegetyourgun Tue 08-Sep-09 13:20:11

Oops sorry, I didn't see that! I've read it now blush

Attila always gives wise advice in these cases. I'd particularly agree that it is probably better for him that you leave rather than keep propping up his lifestyle so he never has to face the consequences and therefore never has a reason to give up (until his health and your finances are completely shot). He has to want to stop, otherwise it won't work. You're right to do this for the children, too, even if they do miss him. If something awful happens it IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 08-Sep-09 13:20:11

Please don't feel heartless. Concentrate your energies instead on your own self and your children.

He is responsible for his own actions. Not you.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 08-Sep-09 13:42:54

Absolutely not. Don't call him. You are not responsible for any of this. You can't help him - you really can't. Carrying on enabling him is not helping - the opposite in fact. He needs to reach rock bottom to get better and with you always 'helping' him and cushioning him he will never reach it.

ithinkican Tue 08-Sep-09 21:10:05

He rang earlier asking if he could see the kids, I said ok but we wouldnt be home till 8ish, I have just rung him about 8.30 to say we were in and he could see them for a bit, he replied that he was on the couch and couldnt be bothered sad, am glad i didnt warn the kids he was coming.

He is supposed to be taking them to school in the morning, what do I do? if he is playing head games i really dont want to sink to that level, i would like him to take the kids to school but I dont want him to let them down, I havent told them he is taking them so they would be non wiser if he didnt but they will have to knwo tomorrow.

ithinkican Tue 08-Sep-09 21:11:38

I know why he wouldnt come around, his form of self preservation, it would hurt him too much and he is a wimp when it comes to facing reality.

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