I am pissed off with DH but....

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I want some sex. Grrrrrr. He was away for few nights then I got my period so now I'm gagging, but he hasn't apologised (just acting as if it never happened which he seems to think will suffice) so it's not a battle zone but he's still a cock. But I'm getting desperate. Tell me not to do it!

[mrsboogie]

Do it!

[cheesesarnie]

what did he do that he needs to apologise for?

[InspiredButTired]

Don't do it. Think of it as rewarding his bad behaviour, if he has been a cock and not apologised, don't shag his as a reward. Get the toys out!

[sandcastles]

Do it....make up sex is awesome!

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

He snapped at me, so I exploded (he has been snappy lately and I'm fucking sick of it) then refused to back down because I was being 'in his face'. If he had just said sorry I would have gone away, but he wouldn't, so I stood in front of him for 15 minutes repeating 'why do you think it's ok to talk to me like shit'? and other variations while he tried to ignore me. (very silly negative cycle of communication we get into sometimes because we are both so stubborn). However, I folded before he did and got bored, he takes that to mean he is forgiven or something. Twat.

And it's only make up if he says sorry! Otherwise I'm still pissed off.

He has a major problem with apologising, and if he does, it's always followed by 'but...' so it's a sore point. Or he makes up a reason why he can't apologise because of my behaviour subsequent to whatever he did. I pointed out that if I called him a cunt and he called me one back I should still apologise because I started it. But defending myself means I don't deserve an apology

Twat.

[ElfOnTheTopShelf]

Then... erm... no!

[MrsWeasley]

tell him straight if he wants sex then he will have to say sorry and mean it!

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Like it MrsW!

[MrsWeasley]

In fact tell him you arent wearing any knickers, when he gets frisky ask for the apology first! {grin]

[Alambil]

I don't think standing giving a verbal tirrade would help relations actually.

apologise to each other. no buts.

[sandcastles]

Agree with Lewisfan, you were both wrong. Apologise to each other & move on!

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

What am I supposed to do when he says something shitty and undeserved, then refuses to acknowledge it was shitty, let alone apologise? I know standing over him was unhelpful but the alternative seemed (at the time) to be taking it. I'm sure I should have waited and spoken to him calmly later, blah blah. I just can't let him get away with it.

Anyway, he did apologise, and we had the sex

[nje3006]

Standing over him is always unhelpful. So many women do it it seems and so many men hate it. It's pointless, it will never get you what you want.

Glad he apologised and you got what you wanted

But I agree with the others, trying to force an apology from someone who doesn't want to give one doesn't help. If they grudgingly give it how does that feel...?

Pick your battles. No-one says you have to take disrespectful behaviour but IMO it's equally disrespectful to stand over him as you did for 15 mins (!!) in his face...

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I know, I know. But I feel sometimes like we are locked in a power battle, we both try to be dominant and would both gravitate towards the upper hand if allowed, and I feel like I can't give an inch or he would take a mile. That sounds really unhealthy doesn't it! It's only over small things, honest, we are pretty good at discussing the important stuff. I honestly didn't feel I could let it go. I know I was wrong but I did apologise for something I said, but NOT for the ranting. Hah.

[OrmIrian]

Don't know about unhealthy, sounds exhausting!

I never respond well to someone demanding an apology - in fact demanding anything. And I am aware that most people are like that. Trying a different less confrontational approach isn't backing down IMO.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

It can be exhausting. But we are both natural alphas which might be a mistake, but I think either of us with anyone less feisty would end up in a crazed power trip TBH. I am aware that it's not a nice aspect of my character and so is he (upshot of our talk last night) and we discussed why he finds it so hard to apologise. I know that if someone demands an apology and you don't think they deserve one you are going to be resistant, but if you instantly know you made a fuck up or hurt their feelings, but dig your heels in and refuse to apologise on principle, that's not ok is it? I can speak before I think but if I say something out of order I know it, and apologise.

[OrmIrian]

No it isn't OK but quite natural. If you said 'Apologise to me now!' I would be most likely to tell you where to go Perhaps I am a closet Alpha... perhaps not.

I am a flashpoint shouter rather than a sulker. DH is the other way around. I know that if he demanded an apology from me whilst I was still in flashpoint mode he'd get very short shrift. Whereas five mins later I'd be full of apologies. Genuine ones.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

DH is all things. He shouts in temper then sulks . He's infuriating really. I do like him though. Which is good, because not many women would.

(although the same could be said about me...)

[macdoodle]

Sorry?? You stood in his face berating him for 15 mins and he is the twat?? Have I missed something ??
If it was the other way round , we would all be shouting abusive, leave him, how dare he berate you for 15 mins??
And now you want to shag him When i first posted on here about my XH someone told me to google co-dependancy, I suggest you do the same!

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Oh you make it sound so much worse than it was!

Seriously, what actually happened was this (if you are interested) - I was in kitchen washing up. He keeps trying to ask me stuff by yelling. I yell back (annoyed) that I can't hear him so he'll have to come to where I am. He yells (angrily) 'you are getting on my nerves you fucking........' He stopped himself before saying it but the missing word was bitch. He had no reason to talk to me like that. I went into the room and said 'what did you say'?
him - get out of my face
me - what? how dare you?
him - ignores me
me - why do you think you can talk to me like shit?
him - ignores me, puts hands over ears
me- listen to me
him - makes hand waving 'get out of my face gesture'
Repeat to fade. I knew how ridiculous it was getting but I was not prepared to back down. If he talks to me like shit then tells me to get out of his face, what does it tell him if I obediently shut up and get out of his face? It really wasn't me berating him while he sat humbly taking my abuse. It was me trying to get him to stop deliberately, and provokingly, ignoring me and disrespecting me.

[macdoodle]

Kat I'm sorry that was harsh of me, I have been there and I know how utterly frustrating and humiliating it is
He does sound abusive and honestly thats not normal behaviour from him, but you behaving like that doesnt help or solve the problem.
IMO and very long experience, ignoring this behaviour is the ONLY way to deal with it, retaliating in the same way, gives him even more ammunition that YOU are tha mad nasty one
How is he so wonderful if he calls you a fucking bitch, and doesnt acknowledge or talk to you - its horribly nasty and undermining, and its NOT normal or right no matter how nice he is at other times

Please google emotional abuse or jump onot one of the EA threads, and also google co-dependancy - for me that was the hardest thing to understand and to deal with !