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husband having an affair with his exwife

(19 Posts)
monkey9237 Mon 07-Sep-09 16:03:02

Hello all
I would appreciate any advice or insights on my situation - I will keep it brief.

I have been married for 3 years - my husband has an exwife (she had an affair so they divorced) and they have children together (aged under 10). I had a baby myself 2 years ago and suffered horribly from undiagnosed PND. My marriage suffered greatly but I spoke to my husband, who wanted a trial separation by this point, and we agreed to start afresh, make things work, etc. He told me he and his ex had been talking about getting together but that "nothing had happened" and that he was only having these conversations with her because I had given him the impression that the marriage was over (while I had PND moods etc). So while we are working things out, I have this horrible, HORRIBLE gut feeling that he is lying, that he is keeping stuff fromme and that he is still seeing his ex. I do some digging, checking phone bills and texts, and a few other bits, and find out that they are still seeing eachohter. I confront him and he says he doesnt love me how he used to, since I had the PND, and that he wanted to be with her and his kids because he thought that in the long term he and I would not last as he feared my depression would return adn it would be awful again. We spoke, I had already gotten help with my PND and I told him I would not be leaving the marital home with my baby, so he would have to leave himself if he wanted to split/temp break. We also spoke at length about lots of other things about the relationship, our feelings, and what we wanted and what had gone wrong. I was very strong about it all and told him he had let me and our baby down, that he had been immoral, broken his vows to me, etc. This really seemed to get to him. He slept on it and said he has done wrong, wants us to stay together and that he really means it this time, that we will work it out and stay together. He admits they have been sleeping together when I asked (he had not wanted to sleep with me until he was sure we were going to be ok he said, while all the time he was bonking her!). It has been a few months now. I no longer have the horrible gut feeling that he is lying, he says he does love me again, we are sleeping together again, and things are good, but I still cant 100% trust him of course. His ex has taken to calling him all the time on the days that he has his contact days wth his kids, to speak to them or to talk about practical stuff re: them, but she never did this for the whole 5 years I have been wth my husband, she has just started it now, so when I check his phone,there are always calls from and to her on those days (and other days sometimes). My husband assures me its only about the kids, and I have no real reason to think otherwise, but I just know that she is going to hang around and try and make trouble just to get him back. When he told her that I knew everything, she told him that he shouldnt have admitted to me that they slept together, and she said she wouldnt make him chooe between me and her. She is basically saying she will always be there and will have him back anytime. So I fear she is going to make as much trouble as possible and make me so upset that it fails and we break up. The skids are ok, but they side with their mum and cheek me sometimes and of course my husband rarely backs me up as he doesnt want to upset them - but I think that is quite common with dads and skids and stepmums. Does it sound bad? Does it sound fixable? Husband has been good since this all came out, he does what I ask in terms of trust issues, talking it over, agreeing to tell her not to call so often etc (which has worked to a level) and so he is trying to help me, but I fear she will always have a hold on him and I want my narriage to work. Any advice from anyone? Thanks in advance for any help you can give.

geordieminx Mon 07-Sep-09 16:05:20

Any chance you could re-write this with some paragraphs in.... makes it very difficuly to read otherwise.

scroobiuspirate Mon 07-Sep-09 16:06:43

gmix that's not helpful tho.

countingto10 Mon 07-Sep-09 16:09:12

I would suggest Relate - your DH is always going to have a relationship with her because of his DC and I think you and he need help in setting boundaries and dealing with trust issues etc and Relate should help with that. If he wants to work of your marriage he should be willing to do everything possible to help. Relate have been very helpful to me and my DH after his affair but obviously, he no longer has any contact with OW.

Good luck.

geordieminx Mon 07-Sep-09 16:09:25

hmm

I was asking if she could add some spacing/paragraphs, then I (and probably a lot of other people) would be able to read it properly, and then give advice accordingly.

I wasnt being rude. Just asking.

scroobiuspirate Mon 07-Sep-09 16:10:23

What a mixed up situation, must be so hard for you to trust him, and her for that matter.

She will be there, becuase of thier shared dc's, and lots of the porblems you will have arise even if your dh hadn't got back with her. Normal stuff like relationships with the children, contct arrangements etc.

Yuo say he talks things over with you, and is trying to help you. Time will tell, wether she does indeed still have a 'hold' over him.

You are feeling vulnerable, and for obvious reasons.

monkey9237 Mon 07-Sep-09 16:12:13

With Paragraphs

Hello all

I would appreciate any advice or insights on my situation - I will keep it brief.

I have been married for 3 years - my husband has an exwife (she had an affair so they divorced) and they have children together (aged under 10). I had a baby myself 2 years ago and suffered horribly from undiagnosed PND. My marriage suffered greatly but I spoke to my husband, who wanted a trial separation by this point, and we agreed to start afresh, make things work, etc.

He told me he and his ex had been talking about getting together but that "nothing had happened" and that he was only having these conversations with her because I had given him the impression that the marriage was over (while I had PND moods etc). So while we are working things out, I have this horrible, HORRIBLE gut feeling that he is lying, that he is keeping stuff fromme and that he is still seeing his ex. I do some digging, checking phone bills and texts, and a few other bits, and find out that they are still seeing eachohter. I confront him and he says he doesnt love me how he used to, since I had the PND, and that he wanted to be with her and his kids because he thought that in the long term he and I would not last as he feared my depression would return adn it would be awful again.

We spoke, I had already gotten help with my PND and I told him I would not be leaving the marital home with my baby, so he would have to leave himself if he wanted to split/temp break. We also spoke at length about lots of other things about the relationship, our feelings, and what we wanted and what had gone wrong. I was very strong about it all and told him he had let me and our baby down, that he had been immoral, broken his vows to me, etc. This really seemed to get to him.

He slept on it and said he has done wrong, wants us to stay together and that he really means it this time, that we will work it out and stay together. He admits they have been sleeping together when I asked (he had not wanted to sleep with me until he was sure we were going to be ok he said, while all the time he was bonking her!). It has been a few months now. I no longer have the horrible gut feeling that he is lying, he says he does love me again, we are sleeping together again, and things are good, but I still cant 100% trust him of course.

His ex has taken to calling him all the time on the days that he has his contact days wth his kids, to speak to them or to talk about practical stuff re: them, but she never did this for the whole 5 years I have been wth my husband, she has just started it now, so when I check his phone,there are always calls from and to her on those days (and other days sometimes). My husband assures me its only about the kids, and I have no real reason to think otherwise, but I just know that she is going to hang around and try and make trouble just to get him back.

When he told her that I knew everything, she told him that he shouldnt have admitted to me that they slept together, and she said she wouldnt make him chooe between me and her. She is basically saying she will always be there and will have him back anytime. So I fear she is going to make as much trouble as possible and make me so upset that it fails and we break up. The skids are ok, but they side with their mum and cheek me sometimes and of course my husband rarely backs me up as he doesnt want to upset them - but I think that is quite common with dads and skids and stepmums.

Does it sound bad? Does it sound fixable? Husband has been good since this all came out, he does what I ask in terms of trust issues, talking it over, agreeing to tell her not to call so often etc (which has worked to a level) and so he is trying to help me, but I fear she will always have a hold on him and I want my narriage to work.

Any advice from anyone? Thanks in advance for any help you can give.

scroobiuspirate Mon 07-Sep-09 16:12:39

fair enough, gm, sorry i jumped. can i have your hairstyle please. it's sort of thing i have been after!

monkey9237 Mon 07-Sep-09 16:16:14

Hello Scroobiuspirate

You made me think there - yes, some of these things WOULD still happen whether the affair had happened or not, so I need to remember that and not assume that every contact from her is to undermine my marriage (even if it is!). So thank you for that. But yes time will tell if he keeps this up or just throws the towel in and goes back to her.

Countingto10 - I should have mentioned - we made enquiries with Relate, had the initial consultation, and the counsellor felt that we were both on the same page, that we both wanted the same thing, and so we didnt need any counselling at that time, but that we could always go back if we felt the need. They are good, arent they. I dont want to jump down that road too early, mostly because I know my husband is self conscious about that kind of thing, but it can still be an option in the future.

Rindercella Mon 07-Sep-09 16:24:08

Monkey, so sorry you are going through this. You said a couple of times in your OP that you have no reason to doubt your DH. But, imo you do have every reason not to trust him - he had an affair with another woman (doesn't matter for the moment who) while you were married to him and while you had PND following the birth of your child. I personally would find it very difficult to trust someone if he had done this to me.

It really does complicate things when the OW is actually his exW and mother of his children as that means he has to maintain contact with her and continue seeing her. It's not like she's a work colleague or some woman he picked up in a bar.

It sounds to me that you really do want to make your marriage work and that you love your DH very much. So, of course the situation is fixable, but much of it does depend on him and how he earns your trust back.

countingto10 Mon 07-Sep-09 16:26:58

Maybe you could go to Relate on your own - me and my DH had an individual session each together with numerous joint ones. You could voice all your fears,feelings and concerns and he could deal with his issues re his first marriage (her affair etc). I think you can't brush some things under the carpet and good communication really matters at times like this.

My DH is spending inordinate amounts of time reassuring me, answering texts and emails quickly, listening to my fears etc because he knows my trust in him needs rebuilding and as well as my self-esteem (I know I shouldn't look to him to build my self-esteem but we are working together on everything).

geordieminx Mon 07-Sep-09 16:29:30

Sorry, no real advice, but it does sound like you dont (and rightly so) trust him, and if you dont have trust in a relationship then IMO you will struggle.

His ex-wife sounds like a right cow, and is basically offering herself to him on a plate... would she want him back on a permanent basis do you think?

I had an ex like this, she was always waiting in the wings, finding excuses to contact my then dp, but as he had 2 kids with her there was nothing I could do. He never cheated on me, but I was still very vary of her - she cheated on him, left him then reaslised the guy she left him for was a looser. In the end dp and I broke up, and he went back to her - I wasnt surprised but it was my decision to spilt for unrelated reasons.

I guess you need to decide whether you want to be with a man that you cant trust, and that will be in contact with this woman for another 5 years at least - unfortunately it sounds like you are being made out to be the bad cop, and she is there playing the good cop. - You cant really win. sad

Is your husband willing to curb all unecessary contact with her? Do you think your husband really wants to make a go of your relationship?

I second counselling - even if you didnt meet their criteria last time I think it would definately be worth contacting them again.

Good Luck. And remember - you can decide whether you want to be part of this relatiunship - you dont have to put up with things that you arent happy with.

monkey9237 Mon 07-Sep-09 17:08:42

Thanks again for your replies,

Countingto10 I had not thought of going to Relate on my own and you know, that sounds perfect for me, so I am going to give them a call. I will tell him I am going and ask if he wants a solo session too, I am sure he wont but it will help him to know I am seeking more help. I am glad to hear your OH is speedy with the text replies and messages etc, my husband tends to do that too, it makes me feel happy that he is making that effort as he is usually useless at that.

But its the trust thing - the nagging thoughts in the back of my head - she will NEVER go away and I cant be tooooo hardline about it because sometimes it WILL be about their kids. But many times it will not be. I do love him, he says he loves me again now, but he said all that before and was lying. I cant keep on about that, I need to move on from that whatever happens with he and I, but I dont want to be a fool. Its so hard! As you know! I wish you much luck in your situation too.

Geordieminx - Yes his ex is a right cow! Not that i can just blame her, but she has made it 100% clear that she is waiting in the wings the minute anything goes wrong like little miss perfect (oh please). And she is now playing games to phone him a lot, etc which she never was bothered about hefore. She too got with someone else and realised he was a loser, and then got all close with my husband - sadly the timing was such that he too was in a low place and the two of them started their affair, telling themselves it was for the good of their kids.

Yes she WOULD want him back permanently, yes, as he has a house (she doesnt), he has a good job (she has none), he will provide for her (nobody does at present) so yes she will want him for all of those reasons and to make herself feel better for ending their marraige in the first place and upsetting their children. So its a big threat as she has a lot of big reasons to want him.

monkey9237 Mon 07-Sep-09 17:13:20

Sorry Geordieminx, he has said that he will curb uneccessry contact with her, yes, but he is a gullible person. How much of it stems from him WANTING to speak to her, i dont know, and he could always be calling her from his work phone, which i will never know about, so I cant tell 100%. I guess time will tell and that is all I can do for now?

I tihnk he DOES really want to make a go of it, but perhaps it started from the wrong reasons eg that he would lose his house and lots of money in maintenance, plus everyone around where we live would hate him (all very friendly neighbours around here) and also his work reputation would go to pot as I know many of his clients and they would drop him like a hot stone. I think he started off from that point, but that he has had a think and said that he wants to do the right thing, he wants a simple life, and that he wants to stay in the marriage for the sake of the marraige and our baby. I do think he now means that, yes, but i think it took him some time to get there.

NanaNina Tue 08-Sep-09 21:16:18

Monkey 9237 -So sorry you have been having such a difficult time. I am amazed reading post of MN about the number of Hs who "go off" their wives/partners when they get PND. This is just the time when you need understanding and support is n't it. I guess it says soemthing about men's egos and their emotional immaturity.

I think that unfortunately your H's ex has put him in a very comfortable position in the sense that he knows that he has "something to fall back on" if things don't work out between the two of you. This is not good for him (or you), but you have no control over her position. However it does sound like he is really trying to make your relationship work and I think you must play your part too, though I know it is difficult not to hark back to what has happened. Maybe get some support for yourself (you mentioned going to Relate yourself) or could you afford a private counsellor.

I suggest you try to be stronger in your Hs direction too (even if you don't feel it you could "act" it) and maybe make it clear that if he was considering any more intimate contact with his ex, you would not tolerate this a second time. I just feel that he should be in a less "cosy" position with 2 woman wanting him IYSWIM.

Hope all turns out well for you.

vannah Tue 08-Sep-09 22:33:10

Agree with nananina - your husband's ex has put him in a very comfortable position, he has something to fall back on.

However you have one great advantage. She betrayed him, you havent.
I would use that as an important card if you want things to work.

However, personally Id feel wary of someone who instead of understanding me during a very hard time, found comfort else where. My husband has done that and it has created a huge distance for me, I now have detached myself instead of panicking about losing him.

good luck

monkey9237 Mon 14-Sep-09 11:32:29

Hello everyone

I just wanted to say thankyou for your comments. We are going on holiday later this week with the baby and we are really looking forward to it - I think we will have the chance to talk without being over-tried, having to cook, going to work etc, so it will be relaxed. Its looking good, and SHE has not been calling as much as before so that is great. As you say, I cant do anything about her making it so easy for him, but I can do what I CAN do, which is to let him know its 100% BANNED for him to ever behave like this again, and to play my part in making the marraige work too and be positive at times instead of always critical of him.

I am amazed and saddened at all the posts about affairs on here. The heartache that is being caused and the selfishness that stems from not being honest and coming clean. I hope that everyone on here who is going through similar things finds peace and a positive solution to their situations. I read somewhere about a survey which said that approx 75% of couples who stayed together post-affair described their subsequent relationship as "cold and loveless". Talk about an uphill struggle. I feel that way at times too, but there IS hope.

Thanks again for all the support and advice.

Good luck x

Martha1 Wed 16-Sep-09 16:19:54

If I were you I would end it - I'm a stepmum to 3 kids and I know how hard it is dealing with the ex-wife bein in my partner's life. It in absolutely unthinkable to add an affair into this already complicated situation. Every time he picks up the kids, or goes to her house, I'd be thinking that they were sleeping together again. Please don't put yourself through this! Find somebody who respects you enough not to cheat on you just because with your PND things were a bit tough for him!!! I'm angry on your behalf - he's a lowlife!!!

BitOfFun Wed 16-Sep-09 16:26:27

Have a good holiday, keep talking, and just keep doing your best as long as he is- if you are both working at it, you've got a chance. Good luck!

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