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I want my sex life back. HELP

(9 Posts)
thesockmonsterofdoom Mon 07-Sep-09 13:27:10

Dh and I have had a few problems this year, he lost his job was depressed, I supported him through this and then we had a few relationship problems which I think were all my fault but are now sorted. Now I really want my sex life back, it is all me that is causing lack of. I love the idea of sex but when it comes to it I think I have put some sort of barrier up and the longer I leave it the harder it is going to be to break down.
I have been shattered all summer, kids at home and I work evenings and Saturdays so never get a minute to myslef, now they are back at school and nursery I want to get this part of my life back on track. Any ideas how. I tried te just do it but that felt all wrong and caused more problems as we haven't had sex since, that was about 3 weeks ago.
I don't know where to start, it is the last part of the pouzzle to sorting my marriage out and is so important as every thing is going so well. we are going away to a friends wedding this weekend sans dc and I thought perfect except I think I am going to get AF so that spoils that idea.

Malificence Mon 07-Sep-09 13:40:58

Get some norethisterone to delay your period, it needs to be started on day 19 though, or just have sex when you are on, sex whist menstruating can give stronger orgasms, if you or he are squeamish, get some beppy tampons, they are small sponges.

As for the sex - just do it, and keep doing it till it feels right again, once you start having regular orgasms, your body will actually restart your libido. Masturbate every day and get to know your body again. If you have been shut down, sexually speaking, you need to get your engine revving again.
I swear by ginseng but there are other libido boosters too, low zinc levels are bad for your sex drive so maybe a womens multi vitamin will help.

thesockmonsterofdoom Mon 07-Sep-09 14:11:44

think it might be too late for that, I have some womens multi vits in the cupboard, may be time to start taking them again. it's really annoying because I really fancy dh and the thought now is great, but when it comes to tonight I will have talked myself out of it. I don't even know why.

Malificence Mon 07-Sep-09 15:59:42

You've got out of the habit, it's as simple as that - how about reading some erotic fiction online to get you feeling horny?

Get some lovely massage oil that doubles as sexual lubricant, ky do a lovely one , give your hubby a massage until he's really turned on, or get him to give you one, a tantric massage is guaranteed to get you in the mood for sex - lube will help you out more than you realise, it makes sex feel 10 times better, particularly if you are a little dry.
Of course this will only work if he actually shows that he really wants you sexually, there's nothing more off putting than you being all seductive and he doesn't respond in the right way ( i.e. ripping your clothes off). Do you feel like he's not that interested maybe and that's causing your mental block or do you feel a little silly when you want to initiate sex?

BerylCole Mon 07-Sep-09 16:02:09

Just force yourself to do it loads. That's what worked for me. The more we did it, the better it got and the more I wanted it. Heck, I even initiate it these days (not something I've done since pre-baby days)grin

Malificence Mon 07-Sep-09 16:40:36

Absolutely Beryl -
I could happily have sex every day and my hubby has gone from a near famine to a total feast! He has to fight me off sometimes.
I even wanted sex last night with a raging cold - no snogging unfortunately cos I didn't want hubby going back to work with a sore throat but some gentle spooning worked wonders, I didn't want to get on top of him as a dripping nose isn't the least bit sexy .
Damn long haul flights, 9 hours on a plane and I get off with streaming eyes and nose!

Think nike and just do it!!!!!

It is genuine sex therapy advice too, honestly it works.

thesockmonsterofdoom Mon 07-Sep-09 17:17:31

OK so I shall just get in there, I think he has stopped trying to initiate as I am no often up for it and I don't want to initiate.
Plus initiating usually invlves saying shall we go have sex, real sexy and spontaneous like wink

ABetaDad Mon 07-Sep-09 18:07:21

thesockmonster - when I was recovering recently from low libido due to severe illness I found I had totally lost my confidence. Joining MN earlier this year actually made me face up to the issue and decide to get on and do something about it. However, I felt very much the same as you do now. Wanting to and then kind of backing out at the last minute.

I found it helpful to actually take charge of the situation. It took a lot of courage but I started out by carefully tell DW what I felt able to do and what I did not feel up to but that I definitey wanted to do someting for her and us. That way nothing was being forced on me but I was initiating and I did have to be quite explicit because DW (like your DH) felt relucant to initiate after being rejected so often.

I found it also helped to tell DW not to worry about my enjoyment but just relax and let me bring pleasure to her. That way, I was in charge, I did not feel like I had to perform. We started out without peneration to begin with which also took a lot of pressure off me. Magically once the pressure was off, I started to enjoy it too.

I found we had to plan very early bedtime (9.00 p.m) so we were not tired or rushed but a bath together and a glass of wine made it seem a bit less mechanical. Things are pretty much back to normal after a standing start just 6 months ago.

Malificence Mon 07-Sep-09 20:15:07

You don't have to SAY anything to initiate sex - get in the bath or shower with him, a bit of soapy massage will get him going, get him in the bedroom and stand him up in front of you, he'll be drooling by the time you get down to his waist, take it slow and tease him, concentrate on him and that will take the pressure off you, nothing turns me on more than turning my hubby on, feeling him go hard in your mouth is very powerful, lube him up and sit on him, that way you are in control and you can control his and your orgasm, take him to the point of no return a couple times before letting him come and he'll fall in love with you all over again.
Good sex is more in the mind than the body in reality. If he's on top, then halfway through, look him in the eyes and tell him to turn you over, nothing like a bit of hard rough sex to get you going or ask him how he wants you. You may well feel like a performing monkey at the beginning but it's well worth the effort, believe me.

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