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Heart fonder or out of sight out of mind?

(15 Posts)
SevernTrentWater Mon 07-Sep-09 12:08:01

our relationship fell apart when we had a baby because my partner is very indecisive about whether he can commit long term, knows he's being selfish and childish and is trying to 'get his head sorted out' but feels like all his plans have been messed up (and mine! lol), i'm angry at him, but i'd like to give it a chance because i love him.
i have the option of moving away now, i have a day to decide. I could stay here without support, but my childcare options would be eased if i moved and there 'may' be other advantages too, it could also be a disastor. However i'm worried abscence will = out of sight out of mind, if i'm not here, he'll decide that the natural decision is to end the relationship because in a way, it has ended. We could meet up and do daytrips, and i'm going to stay with him when i do training in the area, but still, that's very infrequent, yet he's living in a shared house with other women who probably are more intelligent than, but then, he'll never get to see his daughter because she won't be able to come with me = not building a relationship with her! which is mostly the problem as we'd still be together if we'd not had a baby (unplanned).
We occasionally meet up at the weekends now, and i'm hoping i can ease him in to fatherhood through regular contact/babysitting etc if i stay...if he's willing (he's quite unreliable sometimes) but it hurts me to see him off with female (and male) friends having fun - totally platonic but that's how we started out together, and now we're no longer having fun, i'm jealous, and you know he could fall for one of them or vice versa, though he says he isn't ready for a relationship and that he'd rather work it out with us if he can - there's no guarantees for a future. Do you think it would be more sensible for me to stay? Or if i moved away would that make the heart grow fonder...or just forget...? I could always move back in 6 months, but i get the feeling it will be too late by then. I worry by moving away i'm making a foolish mistake by ending the most important thing in my life after my baby.

SevernTrentWater Mon 07-Sep-09 12:10:32

we are not 'in a relationship' at the moment relaly, and he is adamant he won't be moving back anytime in the next year because that's how long it'll take him to figure out if he wants us or a single life/fresh start (ha! serial fatherhood more like if he carries on like that.) but obviously, we could see each other occasionally, coffee etc...but having no childcare we'd never get any 'couple time' if i stayed around here like if i moved near parents and just visited occasionally. Hm...don't know what to do, don't know at all. I don't want to throw it away because i was impatient.

AnyFucker Mon 07-Sep-09 12:12:57

have you posted this before severn ?

not saying you shouldn't of course, but it seems familiar

PrincessToadstool Mon 07-Sep-09 12:14:25

You what? You have a baby with this guy, he is living in a house full of other women because he doesn't know if he can commit?

Bin him - your life is on hold on the strength of a 'maybe' - move on, get out, live YOUR life, leave the sad fucker behind.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 07-Sep-09 12:15:05

I'm a bit confused, but is the gist that you split because he wasn't ready to commit, you could move away where your life would be easier, but you don't want to because you want him to have a relationship with the baby and you hope you might get back together?

Move. Don't stay around waiting for this manchild to grow up. If you would have been together without the pregnancy you would be together now. If he loved you he would support you and welcome this unexpected development, not bleat about it 'messing up his plans'. Look, life as a single parent can be challenging, so do what you have to do to ease it somewhat, which does not include waiting around for this tosser man to maybe decide he wants you and the baby, or maybe not.

SheWillBeLoved Mon 07-Sep-09 12:15:48

Moving away will take commitment from the both of you - which he seems to lack even with you around.

Do what is right for you and your daughter. Don't put his needs before yours any longer than you already have. He has issues that he needs to work out re: committing to his family or not, and growing up. You being around and letting him play happy families when it suits him will not do either you, him, or your daughter any good in the long run. Take the cake back off him and live your life until he is ready to be a committed partner and father.

Thequeensfool Mon 07-Sep-09 12:16:26

Good lord. I would say you should not be basing any important decisions about your own and your daughter's futures upon your 'relationship' with this man.

Although he is the father of your child it doesn't sound as if he's acting like a father. Do what is best for the two of you without factoring him in to the equation. You can sort out things with as a seperate issue.

AnyFucker Mon 07-Sep-09 12:17:33

I think severn had this exact smae advice last time she posted this...

it is good advice, and the right thing to do

SevernTrentWater Mon 07-Sep-09 12:42:19

yes i posted it befor but situations a little different as he's being a little moore mature about it, and i'm getting more freaked out about what i've lost because before this happened we did have a very good relationship, and i don't know if he's just in shock or not.

SheWillBeLoved Mon 07-Sep-09 12:47:38

Leave him to it. Is it not a shock for you too? Of course it is, but you aren't faffing about not knowing whether you can commit or not. You either want to or you don't, there are no ifs or buts.

Go and do whatever you have to do for 6 months with your daughter, away from him. Maybe then he'll realize what an immature git he is being and come to his senses. Or maybe not. It's a chance you have to take.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 07-Sep-09 13:08:58

How do you feel about your baby?

LoveMyGirls Mon 07-Sep-09 13:16:20

You want to ease him into fatherhood?

Not sure what the start of motherhood was like for you but I'm sure no-one eased me into it ffs. He is not a child you do not need to help him or ease him into it. He is her dad it's up to him if he is a good one or not and nothing you do will change that imo. Either he loves her and would lay down his life for her and he wants to be a massive part of her life, wants to be the one she's comes running to when she falls over or the one she pours her heart out too because of a row with her best friend or to help her learn to ride a bike........that's what being a dad is about, it's about being there and bringing your child up, he's the one whose going to miss out but you can't force him to do it, can you?

Either you move away and he realises what a twat he was and comes begging OR you stay and accept he's still not going to step up no matter what.

I think you need to do what is best for you and your dd which would be to get as much support as you can.

HolyGuacamole Mon 07-Sep-09 13:43:31

He has had 9 months (plus whatever age your baby is) to ease himself into fatherhood.

Make the most of your life, move away, get yourself a new start and make your life happy for you and for your baby.

If you hold back on this decision because of him, and then he messes you around, you will regret it and become bitter and stuck.

Whereas if you move and he changes his mind (and you still want him), he can move to be with you. If he is serious enough he will do it but I'd say that is a last resort, don't be holding your breath for him. There is so much out there for you and this could be a great opportunity for you to start distancing yourself from him emotionally whilst at the same time, making a wonderful future for yourself.

In your case......out of sight....

Best wishes and good luck smile

SevernTrentWater Mon 07-Sep-09 14:56:09

'not sure what the start of motherhood was like for you but I'm sure no-one eased me into it ffs.' - lol, so true, but it was love at first sight for me!

LoveMyGirls Mon 07-Sep-09 18:21:14

When I had dd1 I was 17, my ex said I'll stand by you we'll be a family bullshit etc after a few months of him being too busy to ocme and watch dd so I could have a nap after being awake a lot I thought screw you if you don't love dd as much as me and don't want to be here for us then that's it I'll move on and my only priority will be to take care of dd1 and make the best life for us I possibly can without this pathetic excuse for a "dad", she deserves better.

I told him if he wanted to see her again he could prove it by taking me to court for access.

you know what?

He's never bothered and dd1 is all the better off for it, he couldn't commit to being her dad, he couldn't commit to supporting me, loving me, helping me then he doesn't deserve either of us.

Sounds like your chap has had more than his fair share of chances and you are being a million times too supportive for his total arsehole imo.

My dd1 is 10 now, I've been with my dp since she was a toddler and we're about to get married and then he will adopt dd1 because he is the only dad she ever needs.

Sorry you are going through this.

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