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sorting out access

(3 Posts)
NicknameTaken Mon 07-Sep-09 11:50:51

I separated from an emotionally abusive x just over three months ago. We have a dd aged nearly 2. There is a temporary court order granting residence to me. DD spends Mon, Fri and every second Sat with her dad. No overnights so far.

In a few weeks we'll be going back to court for a new court order. X wants as much access as he can and is arguing for joint residence. I don't want that (don't want him to be allowed to take her out of the country as he's not from the UK and I worry about him not bringing her back). I am contemplating allowing her to stay with him for every second weekend, including overnights.

She adores him. He adores her. I find him rather too controlling of her but he's fine with the feeding/dressing/looking after her when she's sick. One of the major things that drove us apart was him thinking my relationship with her was too strong and trying to weaken it, eg. for hours on end he wouldn't let me touch her (he would cuddle her instead). She once fell off the bed when I should have been there to catch her and he told her "Poor you, your mother doesn't care about you".

So I'm asking for opinions - what kind of access arrangement would you find healthy? Obviously it's not entirely up to me, as CAFCASS are involved (the SW told me that I was right to leave the relationship and they rarely encountered men as controlling as x). I just want her to get the good parts of a father/daughter relationship without him driving a wedge between us.

I have the possibility of going away this weekend and leaving her with him for a full weekend (in fact, 4 full days: Fri-Mon incl. 3 overnights). It's a pure jaunt on my part and I don't have to go at all. Would this be a good dress rehearsal so that I'll know if the overnights are distressing for her and I can negotiate in court in an informed way? Or am I making a concession that I'll find it hard to pull back from?

I'd love to hear your good/bad stories about access.

cestlavielife Mon 07-Sep-09 13:12:27

dont go - it will prejudice your case if you allw him to have her this weekend then turn round and say you dont want to allow it.

if you have genuine concerns, arrange for her to stay with someone else and have the usual contact. i would not go for 3 nights without trialling one night first.

so - if you happy for her to be with him and will agree to that for future go off and leave her with him.

if you have concerns and dont want to set the tone - then dont. it will not be worth it. (tho i totaly understand the need to get away sometimes!)

and see my post in lone parents on curent issues i have with contact with a controlling ex...

NicknameTaken Mon 07-Sep-09 13:15:02

That's helpful. I'm leaning towards not going, but I was wondering if I was being a bit martyr-ish about it.

Think I'll have a look at lone parents too. Thanks!

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