My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can't get over it...

50 replies

thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 11:35

I've lurked here throughout my pregnancy and now, with my baby 6 weeks old, I'm posting for the first time...

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for four years. It has always been a very intense relationship, partly because of our personalities and partly because our relationship has faced external pressures. But we've always been madly in love. I broke up with him a couple of years ago for two weeks and he tried everything to win me back. I was so confused because I loved him but our relationship was so difficult and, with hindsight, I appreciate gave him very mixed messages - sometimes I would sleep with him and we behaved like a couple, other times I would bristle when he touched me and would tell him that we were definitely not getting back together. He now says he felt like I was playing with his feelings and had no intention of getting back together with him.

One night I had one or two too many drinks at dinner with my mother and called him up. He was out with his sister and a couple of friends, drowning his sorrows. I completely lost my temper and screamed abuse at him down the phone - I felt like I'd lost my friendship group, I suppose, but this didn't translate. I just screamed at him that I never wanted to see him again, EVER, and gave him a whole load of shit. Well, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. A girl who we now know is very promiscuous, very forward with men, and will stop at nothing to have as many notches on her bed post as possible, approached him and chatted with him all night. She told him how hot he was and how much she wanted him but also sympathetically listened while he and his sister talked about our relationship and his love for me.

When we got back together we never talked about what specifically happened - he just insisted they didn't have sex. He stopped texting her and seeing her and soon forgot all about her, although when I first told him I'd like us to get back together, he said that he wanted to carry on hanging out with her too because she made him feel good about himself. It was like he didn't want to let go of this new fun lifestyle of going out and getting pissed and he wanted to be worshipped. I remember being devastated about this and told him he'd have to choose, which he did. After that, he quite embarrassed by the whole thing and when we later broke up a second time - six months later - he didn't return to her or anybody else...

However, for whatever reason, I felt I really needed to know what had happened and brought it all up a few weeks ago. He didn't want to go over any of the details - I suppose because he could see I was upset - but said that the first night they met they had started to have sex and then he realised it was a mistake and said, "what the fuck am I doing?" and stopped. After that, he said she "didn't get what she wanted" but he did go to a party with her and met her on another occasion. This all happened over the space of about 3 days and then we got back together and he phoned her to say he wouldn't be seeing her again.

But I can't get over it. I know it happened so long ago and I am as certain as you can ever be that he would never cheat on me and I know he regrets it deeply...but I just can't stop imagining them having sex. It's making me resent him and that is ridiculous because we have been so, so happy - our relationship was perfect throughout my pregnancy and first few weeks with DS, until I raised these issues. How do people get over affairs within relationships?! Because I can't even deal with this - it's eating up my self-esteem.

OP posts:
Report
HolyGuacamole · 07/09/2009 13:51

OK, maybe I am understanding this wrong so please forgive me if that is the case.

You told him you never wanted to see him again and he slept with someone else? What did you expect, that he was going to never have sex again till you decided you wanted him back?

Sorry, I don't call that cheating. You were nasty to him and whatever went on with him and this girl is neither here nor there. On different occasions you have been treating him badly and IMO, you're lucky he is still around.

You cannot treat people like that and expect them to pander to you. If you want respect, you have to give it and dumping someone on a whim is not adult and it is shoddy.

I don't see that you have anything to get over, whereas, this guy is really trusting you and trying to trust that you won't just dump him again.

Report
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 07/09/2009 13:54

He didn't have sex with her.

He didn't cheat on you as it was over.

You have to get past this or you will break up the relationship for good.

You are a mum now and shouldn't be playing games and racking up the past. Just get on with your relationship and enjoy your new baby.

Report
AnyFucker · 07/09/2009 13:57

completely agree with holy

what did you expect ?

you have a baby together now, perhaps this brainstorm can be a little excused by hormones and some insecurty about your post-pg relationship/body issues or somesuch

but really, grow up, love

unless you want to get rid of him again....

Report
AnyFucker · 07/09/2009 13:58

and FBGIB is right too

Report
SheWillBeLoved · 07/09/2009 14:00

In fact, he probably did have sex with her, but even if he did - he was well within his rights to do so. Not that I'm calling him a liar

In the words of the great Ross Gellar - "We were on a break!"

Report
Rindercella · 07/09/2009 14:06

Ok, I agree with Holy, with Fab and with AF

You had told him to fuck off and you never wanted to see him again. He found some comfort with another woman. This was not cheating - you were not together. It sounds to me that he is being truthful when telling you he didn't sleep with her, but even if he did, you weren't together at the time = he did not have an affair.

If you want to stay with him, I suggest you put this behind you (it happened 2 years ago?!) and move on with your life. With you, your partner and your lovely new baby.

Report
Rindercella · 07/09/2009 14:07

Obviously I agree with SWBL too - esp the Ross line

Report
AnyFucker · 07/09/2009 14:08

I also suggest your description of this other woman is totally out of order

Report
ginnny · 07/09/2009 14:18

I do agree with the others but on the other hand I do understand how you feel.
DP and I broke up for a few months last year and in that time he slept with someone else, partly because he was flattered by the attention and partly to make me jealous. When I found out it felt like he had cheated as we were still meeting up and talking about getting back together at some point, but I had to accept that we had split up and he was within his rights to sleep with whoever he wanted to.
You need to let this go and concentrate on your life now with your new baby and don't ruin a good relationship because you can't let go of the past.

Report
thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 14:50

Please understand that I realise I am being unreasonable and immature and that I only have myself to blame for what happened. I've come to learn a lot from this episode but can't get over this weird emotional reaction to it and teasing myself with mental images of them at it. I appreciate that we were broken up so he did not cheat on me. I suppose in my mind, I was breaking up with him to teach him a lesson - he used to smash things up in the house and be quite abusive when we disagreed and I thought space may help that - and it backfired.

I WANT to forget all about it but I keep going over it, asking myself if I believe him, imagining them together. I got myself so worked up a couple of weeks ago that I lost all appetite and pretty much stopped eating. Now I'm putting a brave face on it for our relationship and for our baby, but when I'm alone I return to those thoughts. I've always been daft about things like this but surely it's my hormones exacerbating it?

Also, re. my description of the girl - I knew someone would remark on that. Women always get painted that way in situations like this, don't they? But it's genuinely a fair and factual description. I know of ten people she has slept with in the last year and we don't know that many of the same people.

Please don't jump on my back - I know I'm being an idiot, I'm just hurting disproportionately and would like to stop!

OP posts:
Report
cherryblossoms · 07/09/2009 15:02

If you want to get over it you will have to work out why it's getting to you, and why now.

Easier said than done.

Is it to do with anything post-baby? Self-esteem issues? Has your relationship changed/

Also, i sometimes wonder if post-baby, women's hormones go a bit mad and they may become ... slightly more conservative? ... erm ... more traditional ... I can't think of the right term (sorry) and stuff that didn't bother them before, bothers them.

So, are you re-assessing your behaviour? His behaviour?

I think you and other posters are right, your worries are disproportionate. Now for the detective work.

Report
SolidGoldBrass · 07/09/2009 15:06

Has he stopped being abusive and smashing things up? That is FAR more important than where he might have stuck his dick. If he's still violent then you are a mug to take him back and need to get the hell over the romantic bullshit about 'soulmates' if it means you will risk exposing your baby to life with a violent man.

Report
OrangeFish · 07/09/2009 15:12

"but it's genuinely a fair and factual description." Well, but you have established that you were drunk and shouting abuse to him on the phone. Which also makes it somewhat rich to complain about him getting drunk when you have confessed you do get drunk too and are abusive.

You know, respect comes both ways. I think you should respect yourself more by not allowing your emotions to take over your actions. You can not demand respect when you are not able to offer it.

So, look into you and forgive yourself, then you will be ready to forgive him, and put this episode behind you.

Report
OrangeFish · 07/09/2009 15:16

Well solidbrass, he might be violent but she had been abusing him emotionally.

I'm not saying that such violence is justified, just that there are 2 parts to each history, and in this case I think we have two abusers and two victims, and that rather than just blaming the man, she should also look on why she is behaving like that.

Report
AccioPinotGrigio · 07/09/2009 15:20

Agree with SGB. You should be more concerned about his propensity to violence than the fact he had sex with another woman when he was technically single. Also, this other woman is single and perfectly entitled to shag as many men as she likes in a year. Focussing on that isn't going to help you get over this.

Report
thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 15:21

Re. the violence - we broke up that second time because the issues persisted but we stayed apart for longer and the space seemed to do the trick. Since I fell pregnant, our relationship has been great - we're on the same page, we're actually communicating, we're totally in love and it is all very adult...apart from my reaction to this.

I'm not sure why it has upset me so much. I find the idea of them having sex so disgusting admittedly because I think of him as mine and sex as this thing that we enjoy together...it's a possession thing, quite obviously, I suppose. I know that's wrong. It's just bodies moving together but I seem to have loaded it with so much meaning.

I guess another part of it is that I've always had a problem with my breasts - the rest of my body is great but I hate my breasts - and she has breast implants. That must play into my self-esteem thing. Although, he has been all over me throughout our entire relationship, including when I was pregnant, so I shouldn't question whether or not he fancies me. And I don't think I do. Maybe it's not about him.

One other issue about this - and perhaps the only place where he went wrong - when they did whatever they did, they didn't use a condom. Obviously I didn't know about this so didn't get tested. Would I have been tested for STIs while pregnant? Specifically how do you contract an STI from a female - just from any contact with their vaginal fluids or do they have to orgasm?

OP posts:
Report
thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 15:25

Re. my emotional abuse - I hold my hands up. I know that our relationship problems have been created by both of us and I am ashamed of that. I have learnt a lot from that episode. We both have. We have both moved on so far in terms of communication.

Re. the other girl - of course she can do what she wants, I was just explaining how the situation came about. He - like most men, I guess - very much painted her as predatory and I was simply concurring that she is like that with most men.

OP posts:
Report
OrangeFish · 07/09/2009 16:01

Regarding the STDs, if that happened before pregnancy, I think you should not worry much about it. If I am right part of the testing when the regnancy is confirmed involves checking for STDs that can be passed to the baby. If your midwife didn't comment on this, I suppose that the initial routine tests were negative.

Report
mrsboogie · 07/09/2009 16:10

yes, they will have tested you for STDs, not sure about chlamidya but hiv etc definitely.

the reason you are acting like this is because having a baby has made you feel vulnerable and the episode they shared is threatening to you even in retrospect. Yes it is hormones and your new circumstances which are affecting your ability to rationalise the situation.

Blimey though.. you do sound like hard work.. both of you. I hope you have both gained some maturity since then.

Report
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 07/09/2009 16:15

You said they did not have sex.

Report
AnyFucker · 07/09/2009 16:18

nope, you are not tested for all stds during routine pregnancy care

Report
AnyFucker · 07/09/2009 16:20

anybody who thinks that is mistaken, sorry

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 16:50

FabBakerGirl - I said they had started to have sex then stopped. There was genital contact I was wondering how likely you are to contract an STI that way.

I should have a comprehensive test then.

OP posts:
Report
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 07/09/2009 17:03

I was responding to you saying you found the idea of them having sex was disgusting and I was merely pointing out that they didn't have sex so it wasn't an image you needed to deal with.

Report
thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 17:11

Okay - I'm sorry, just feeling a bit defensive!

They apparently didn't and I think I do believe him because his story has always added up and made sense, no inconsistencies...I do consider that they may have and it's that possibility I taunt myself with. I suppose a minute's worth of thrusting - or whatever happened - is enough fodder for an insecure ego and overactive imagination though.

I must be just very insecure. He just came home and told me about a pretty blonde rep flirting with him and his boss at work and I felt so threatened, which is completely ridiculous. I didn't say anything, however - I put it in a mental box and shook myself. Now I need to that with this other issue, which I think this thread's honesty may be helping with.

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.