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Holding a grudge, but not knowing long...

(6 Posts)
Bathsheba Mon 07-Sep-09 07:31:27

The title is a bit crap - its something my DH does.

He (probably) has Aspergers - we've never had a formal diagnosis, various professionals have said probably, and he acknowledges it too.

I don't know if this is related but he has a horrific memory - he literally cannot remember anything that happened an hour ago.

But he can sulk and hold a grudge like no-one, but then can't remember WHY.

I had a horrible horrible breakdown yesterday which ended up with me screaming at him completely out of control. It all started with him saying "You've been in a bad mood all day" (It was DD2's 3rd birthday, I was trying to organise all the food for her party. Not trying to be "by stealth" but her birth was very difficult, and he had a major breakdown on her 1st birthday which was the worst day of my life and I spent hours on the phone during the night to the Samaritans, so its a day when I need more support than normal but have always had less...).

Now, I'll admit that I was a little crabby - I was trying to get things organised, I needed to do all the food and the outside games, I was supposed to be on chuirch creche so I couldn;t not go to church, and he was sitting playing with his phone...but I had categorically NOT been in a bad mood "all day". So I asked when and what I had done....only to be told (for the millionth time in our 10 year marriage) - "I can;t remember"...

So my attitude is "It couldn't have been that bad then - why are you upsetting me with bringing something up that is so trivial you can't remember it"....which upset him.

He once had a psychologist (he had serious MH problems a few years ago) who discharged him because of something similar - he was suffering from paranoia, and was continually very very anxious and upset around certain people at work. It caused us all HUGE problems and made him very very ill. However when his psychologist asked what these people had DONE that had upset him so much, even just an example, he was told the same - "I can't remember", which lead the psychologist to think that it couldn't have been that bad...

I'm 20 weeks pg but I get no empathy or "leeway" from him for this, I'm just now a horrible screaming banshee. He is still insistant I was horrible all yesterday morning but he doesn't have a single example of it, but it just all confirms to him that I'm completely unhinged and ridiculous. I'm still really upset at losing control so badly...whereas if he could just, for once, come up with an example of what I was doing that was wrong, it could all have been avoided (It might have been the one time that he was in my way in the kitchen sitting on the computer when I told him to get off the computer and out of my way when I was trying to work..but if he could say that was the problem, I could have explained myself and carried on with things).

He's very unsociable, so I don't know whether he was just worried and concerned about people coming to the house (one of his friends was coming even though his kids were way older than the others at the party just to give DH someone to talk to...)

No point in mentioning marriage counselling, or Relate or anything - we have been through all this before and he will not go. No point in suggesting it, he won't go. I've had counselling after DD2's birth and in the end they discharged me because there was nothing more they could do - it was his behaviour that was causing my upset and they could do nothing about his behaviour as he wasn;t their patient (and refused to go).

Bathsheba Mon 07-Sep-09 09:30:01

Sorry, just re-read and it was his psychiatrist who discharged him, not a psycologist.

deste Mon 07-Sep-09 12:26:11

Can I ask why you got pregnant again because nowhere in your post do you mention that you love him or if he has any redeeming qualities. I think you have done well to even get to this point. I dont mean to upset you but you dont need to put up with this, life is too short.

Bathsheba Mon 07-Sep-09 12:32:54

I do love him - and he is fab as long as nothing is upsetting him. As soon as something upsets him, be it stress at work or me being "a bit grumpy" he just can't handle it.

He can't acknowledge that he is doing anything wrong - yesterday he was equally as grumpy as I was (I'll acknowledge I was no saint) but he couldn;t admit that, and if he was in a bad mood it was because I was and that made him be in a bad mood.

If you look at his family life from hwen he was younger there was never any extremes of emotion, no happiness, no sadness, its all very "straight" and almost "vulcan-like" - so he cannot understand me at all when I get upset over things, and his Aspergers means he cannot empathise at all with how I might be feeling.

As long as everything is fairly flat emotionally, with nothing rocking the boat at all, he is wonderful

Katisha Mon 07-Sep-09 12:47:11

THere's been a thread for a while for people with partners who have aspergers-y traits and some posters who have it themselves are being quite enlightening.


Tigurr Mon 07-Sep-09 13:54:21

"As long as everything is fairly flat emotionally, with nothing rocking the boat at all, he is wonderful "

But life isn't like that - it's has ups and downs and if he's going to react badly to all the inevitable ups & downs, can you really put up with it?

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