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The $hit List....

(72 Posts)
aRLcat Sun 06-Sep-09 22:57:03

A few recent threads have got me thinking.

In a kind of pre-emptive move, it could be helpful to those of us less adept at spotting a dodgy fella, if those of us who are more experienced and aware, listed key warning signs of a bad 'un.

It's struck me that many posters seem to have an almost inside knowledge or at least, hard and fast set of flags which determine an immediate 'NO' to the progression of a potentially dodgy relationship.

Care to share? smile

What behaviours raise your hackles?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 06-Sep-09 23:08:35

If he's over-attentive, over-caring and "spends out*" right at the start of the relationship.

If, while caring, he starts to suggest that your friends, family etc take up too much of your time/attention.

If, while caring, he suggests you make radical changes to your life.

If you don't go along with his "suggestions" he will use emotional blackmail - "If you loved me..." or, more commonly, "I love you so..."

There's lots more. But one GLARING thing is definitely the early and inappropriate, "I love you". He doesn't. He's making you feel guilty (about not loving him, when he's such a nice guy) so that you give in to his "suggestions".

Don't be fooled.

*Buys you stuff, takes you to nice hotel, posh meals etc.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 06-Sep-09 23:11:51

>>rethinks<<

The "spends out" thing - I don't mean, ooh, he's taken you to the nicest restaurant in town, what a bastard he must be. It's more, the restaurant will be one he wants to take you to, not necessarily one you want to go to. If he buys you "stuff", it'll be "stuff" you want or like, but wouldn't buy for yourself, and the reason he buys it is so he can cast it up in your face, not because he wants to bring you pleasure.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Sep-09 23:23:23

when he says you are his soulmate, 3 weeks in

when he says he has never loved like this, no-one else has ever understood him like you do

when he gives you advice, because he loves you

when he tells you the rest of your family/friends hate him and you must stop taking notice of them

when he rings you to find out where you are when you are 5 mins past the time you said you would be home

when he wants you to give up work

all his past relationships ended badly, his prev partners were "psychos"

your kids instinctively don't like him

he changes after a drink, then is sorry the next day (but still finds a way to make it your fault)

AnyFucker Sun 06-Sep-09 23:24:15

I have to stop typing, my fingers are aching

Will give someone else a chance, I could be here all night

aRLcat Sun 06-Sep-09 23:28:27

OldLady, that's a good point and not one which would necessarily have occured to me as a flag but I see exactly what you mean.

One of mine is someone who agrees with everything I say or express an opinion over.

I find it a turn off anyway but worrying because it can fast become a passive/agressive skew: "I only said that because I thought you'd like it if I did (and because I was so kind as to bow to your opinion, you now owe me/ you don't know me, I only said that because....)"

People incapable of expressing their very own opinion's can prove to be chameleons, prepare for many turn arounds and bites on the bum in the future when you realise the person you are with is not quite who they made themselves out to be after all!

aRLcat Sun 06-Sep-09 23:44:35

Anyfucker, I agree entirely. Any man who attempts to ostracise his partner from friends and family wants her alone and unsupported for a reason.

When he's shady about you meeting his friends.

When he lets or asks you to foot all or most things, with or without mock remonstrations. Unless you want another child rather than a partner? If he's incapable of standing on his own two feet financially, it usually extends to other areas of his personality and infers emotional immaturity.

Snorbs Sun 06-Sep-09 23:45:14

There was an excellent article written by a clinical psychologist a few years ago entitled Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser. It's eye-opening stuff. When my kids get older and start dating I'm going to print it out and make sure they read it regularly.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Sep-09 23:51:45

bloody hell, that article is good in a very complete and scary way

Snorbs Mon 07-Sep-09 09:11:36

It's a corker isn't it?

aRLcat Mon 07-Sep-09 10:20:34

I've added that article to my faves!

skihorse Mon 07-Sep-09 10:38:52

Anyone whom upon getting your answerphone proceeds to ring back at 20 minute intervals more and more drunk throughout the rest of the night and sheepishly says the next day "haha I can't remember anything from last night". That's OK poppet, I can't hear you now because my little legs are running so hard.

mrsboogie Mon 07-Sep-09 10:51:39

If you catch him lying about little things and the lies are told in order to avoid confrontation or question (to make his life easy) or are intended to make him look good or are a distortion of events.

Scorps Mon 07-Sep-09 10:53:38

When he shags around when his first partner is pregnant - oh yes, he will do it to you when you're pregnant too

NicknameTaken Mon 07-Sep-09 11:00:10

Anyone who thinks the world is against him. "You're the only one on my side". Sooner or later, he's going to see you as being out to get him to.

mrsboogie Mon 07-Sep-09 11:06:17

someone who has a cover story for why he doesn't have a job (is too creative/environmental for the 9 to 5 ratrace or whatever)but whose previous partners were all in good jobs - he is a sponger and within weeks will be expecting yu to pay for everything.

mrsboogie Mon 07-Sep-09 11:08:25

someone who has no money and sh*t credit history (which will be someone else's fault) but who comes up with great ideas for things you could do and places you could go if only there was some way^ that somebody could borrow the money for a new car...

caramelwaffle Mon 07-Sep-09 11:43:00

He is bad with money

"All his ex wives/girlfriends are b**s/pyscho's"

He hides the fact he has children

He refuses to see his children or lies about the ex wife/girlfriend not allowing him to see his children

He refuses to take financial responsibility for his children

He will not have a sexual health check done if you ask "because I just don't have any problems like that - I don't get diseases" but will still insist you have full sexual intercourse - without any barrier protection i.e. condoms/shield

He insists on stating he is single in groups of people - when you are together

Only YOU understand him

Jobs are for "mugs". He is a "free spirit"

Meeting his family is a no-no

You meeting with your family and friends soon becomes a no-no. They "are bad influence on you"

He always criticises you in the company of others - but is "only joking darling" "says it for your own good"

Anniegetyourgun Mon 07-Sep-09 12:12:37

Living with parents at a fairly advanced age (say over 30) is not always a bad sign, but if he's financially dependent on them without a VERY good reason: run away, run away!

God, how I wish I'd run away...

TwoPersephone Mon 07-Sep-09 13:42:27

Charm.
No good has ever come from going out with a charming man.

Janos Mon 07-Sep-09 13:56:02

Good idea for a thread.

Some other concerning behaviours:

- self centred, always turns the conversation round to him and his problems.

- leading on from the above, nothing that goes wrong is his fault. The world is against him.

- Slags off his exes.

- Over shares.

- Doesn't have any friends (why not?)

- Drinks too much/uses a lot of illegal drugs (or any other behaviour that suggests an addiction).

- Makes derogatory comments about women - but he knows YOU'RE not like those other bitches/sluts (insert insult here).

AnyFucker Mon 07-Sep-09 14:11:19

two, I agree

I have said on here (and elsewhere) countless times...

beware the charming man

Janos Mon 07-Sep-09 14:17:52

Here's another one. Has lots of 'issues' which he is very keen to tell you all about, way too soon (eg on first date).

mrsboogie Mon 07-Sep-09 14:18:38

after you have been together a short while he gets drunk, very drunk, and then engages in some sort of unacceptable behaviour; verballly or physically attacks you or someone else, acts a bit psycho, chats up one of your mates, punches a wall, accuses you of flirting etc etc .

This is presented the next day as a one off aberration and he feels so so bad about it that you are expected to feel bad about adding to his woes by complaining about it. You are expected to accept that this will never happen again.

It will always happen again.

bathcat Mon 07-Sep-09 14:25:58

Aggressive and inconsiderate driver - refuses to let people out and prone to road rage.

This really, really grates very, very quicky.

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