I need to split from h who is sole breadwinner. Where do I begin? Any advice most welcome.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

DH works and I SAHM.

He earns a little more than 3 x our current mortgage.

I want to separate (although not necessarily divorce just yet).

But I don't have a leg to stand on do I? Its just dawning on me how hideous this situation is from a practical level, let alone the emotional one .

Can you advise?

[gigglewitch]

Sorry nothing useful from a personal pov, but have you checked out the CAB? A friend who was in a similar situation reckoned that they were the source of all knowledge for her.

Good luck x

[Earlybird]

How many dc and how old? Could you work to bring in money?

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Earlybird - I could work, and I intend to. But it is the usual problem of earning enough to support me, two dcs (at primary school) and whoever cares for them before and after school if my work hours overlap there.

Whatever work I can find will not be high paying. I am guessing that, if I got lucky and found a full-time job within my capabilities and qualifications, I still could not earn more than £25,000 a year.

In a nutshell, if I worked we would go from a couple with no childcare costs earning £80,000 pa to a couple with outside school hours costs (including quite a lot at weekends and evenings) earning £100,000 pa.

And going from one household to two. Fek!

[Earlybird]

Do you have family who could help, or could you move to be near them?

Presumably dh will pay toward living expenses?

Tbh, don't know what I'd do in your situation. Must be very hard.

[GypsyMoth]

look at csa site....calculate what maintenence he will be paying,also,you'll get tax credits.

[cahu]

Hi Bibbity, I divorced my ex last year and had been a SAHM for 12 years. I now work, dd2 in breakfast and after school club which she loves and is paid for by working tax credits. You will also be eligible for child tax credit and surely your dh will pay some child maintenance? It scared the shit out of me, coping alone with the dc but feel I could cope with anything now. Wish I had been on MN when going through hellish times with ex though.

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

You need some proper advice.

Go to CAB. Or consult a solicitor who specialises in family law - they often give initial advice free of charge. (round here it's an hour's free advice before you start racking up a bill)

HTH, and good luck.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Cahu - thank you.

Thank you everyone.

Cahu - do you feel happier now that you are lone parent? rather than married parent with rather shit partner?

Sorry to be so direct.

I have wobbled on in my marriage for the sake of the dc. What they have is two parents living together who are not very happy

vs

two parents living apart who are ???

Its the great unknown. I am scared to death. But I am not putting my own personal needs first here. I honestly truly believe it is not good for the dc to be living in a house where the two adults cannot stand each other .

[SolidGoldBrass]

If he is violent or verbally/psychologically abusive then the sooner you and your DC are out of there (or have thrown him out) the better. If he's a lazyarse or a cocklodger or fannyrat and that's why you want to be rid of him then you can take your time a little more.
I don't know your particular situation, whether it's abuse or incompatibility, but if it's the latter then it might weel work out better for everyone, because a parner who is lazy or finicky or has a different libido level to you often becomes a lot easier to deal with when s/he is not living in your house.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

No, no, no abuse.

I am so lucky, and I am aware of it.

But although I do not have to worry about the issue of remaining hidden, I do still need to find a way for the four of us to live in two different households when previously we lived in one. Its not a nightmare or frightening or scary, so I am very lucky, am just asking for advice on the financial practicalities.

He earns £80,000++ per year
I earn £0 per year
He wants and I want and the dc want for me to live with the dc.

So how does that all work then?

[cahu]

I am happier but my situation was different to yours in that ex was having affair for over 4 years and making my life a misery.

I can not believe how well I have coped but then again, I had no choice.

Could you try Relate to try and save your relationship or is it past the point of no return.

If it is, you will manage. I have no parents but a few close family and friends and in the past year my faith in human nature has been restored. People have been so helpful and kind and you will find that too.

[cahu]

Bibbity, I had a good solicitor. My ex earned about 20k more than your dh. It depends how much equity there is in your home on whether it should be sold. I have 2 dc and got 75% of the equity to buy new home for me and dc and a court order for maintenance and child support. We split the furniture etc.

I had walked my dc to school every day and been there to collect them at 3pm but they adapt to change and there is bound to be a local childminder/out of school club in your area. Thinking about it is more scary than living it, honestly.

[pofacedandproud]

sorry to hear this Bibbity. Is he going to be happy to support you and the children or not?r Would you be able to stay where you are and he rent a flat or do you need to think about selling up and buying something smaller? cahu's advice sounds good.

[onebatmother]

Yes bibbity, sorry to hear it. No advice I'm afraid though.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Its a tedious subject to have to confront.

House worth say £450,000.

Mortgage £180,000.

H earns £80,000 ish (self employed, so not an absolute).

2 bed garden flat plus 1 bed flat here is £500,000 ish.

There is a yawning chasm.

Am beginning to feel very sad.

[pofacedandproud]

Oh bollocks. But how can your house be worth less than a 2 bed flat if it is in the same area? are you being a bit pessimistic about how much you can sell for?

[cherryblossoms]

Slightly odd suggestion but will offer it anyway ...

Is there any mileage in doing what that MP did and dividing your current home into two self-contained flats?

That might increase both mortgages but might also increase the sale value if it doesn't work out? Though I think that increasing the sale value might be off-set by the conversion costs and also the relative value of non-converted and converted property in your area.

Good luck.

[ilovemydogandmrobama]

selling isn't necessarily the best option. It would be viewed in terms of providing acceptable housing to accommodate both parties, but there are lots of options. For instance, you stay in house with DCs until a specified event, such as they turn 18, leave full time education, and when the house is sold, your DH gets a percentage.

Realistically though he would need to be able to find himself somewhere to live. How much would this cost and how much is in the 'pot?' Any assets? Savings? Debts?

[pofacedandproud]

That's quite a good idea. or build an eco lodge in the garden? [might be too close for comfort of course]

[cahu]

I think you need some legal advice. I think with that much equity they say sell and split the money for 'clean break'. In my case, because it was acrimonious and I thought he had been hiding money, we went to court. Being a SAHM worked in my favour as he has to pay me maintenance as well as child support. I sound mercenary but he behaved so badly, getting his girlfriend and family involved, that I went out for everything I could get. If things are as bad as you say, things can only get better. Child benefit, working tax credit and child tax credit plus your salary plus dh contribution should mean you can have a decent life.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

pofap - you are who I thought you were aren't you?

You misread - current house worth less than two flats put together.

H says he will go to a friend's and stay in their spare room until we can get our house on the market.

The excrutiating thing about this is (I would be feeling relieved and optimistic otherwise) is that 8 year old dd overheard me saying to H tonight "right this is it, I want us to separate". So fucking arsehole bastard H immediately turns to dd (who I did not know was there, was standing behind a door iyswim) and says "did you hear that dd, bibbity wants us to split up!". I didn't realise dd was within earshot, I was standing behind the bathroom door running bath water ready to bath them, iyswim. Therefore H is a proper c u n t, is he not?

[cahu]

He is, but they all do it. Even when my ex had been caught with OW by my BIL, and was taking dd1 to shopping mall to 'bump into' OW he still managed to make dc think it was all my fault.

[pofacedandproud]

ooh sorry i did misread. I think I am who you think I am.... I think you are who I thunk you are too....

That is most unfair of your dh, saying that to your dd.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Cahu - am glad you are happier now. What a twat he sounds (your ex). But, tell me honestly, what about your dc? Are they happier than before? How did they cope? Am assuming that you now work having been sahm before. Good luck to you. Wishing you all strength and happiness. Thank you for replying to me x.

[cahu]

Well, they are as what they went through was awful as he refused to move out, just treated it like a hotel. Your dc haven't had that though so do you think they will just wish you had stayed together? Whatever, as long as they have a stable home with you anywhere, they will be fine. Thank you for wishing me luck. x