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Abusive arsehole fuckwits.

(18 Posts)
RealityIsNOTDetoxing Sun 06-Sep-09 20:34:10

Message withdrawn

Alambil Sun 06-Sep-09 20:36:46

goodness knows ... it's shocking how many of them are around though

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Sun 06-Sep-09 20:39:20

Message withdrawn

drlove8 Sun 06-Sep-09 20:44:27

ive thought the very same thing myself tbh sadsadsad
couldnt we send them all to an island in the middle of nowhere? then they can leave us (non violent people) alone? <<<<wishes if only it was that easy>>>

oldraver Sun 06-Sep-09 22:08:02

After reading many threads (and as a result re-affirming my suspicions that my DH fell into the abusive catergory) I have often wondered where it comes from. Is it something that happens as a result of learned behaviour, something they are born with or what.

LauraIngallsWilder Sun 06-Sep-09 22:12:18

I feel out of place joining this thread as my X is not an abusive arsehole whatnot (My brother was though throughout my childhood)

But I was just wondering has Stercus reappeared on mn at all?
Does anyone know how she is?
And Hedgewitch - how is she?

I have been thinking of them

NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn Sun 06-Sep-09 22:14:53

Stems from the same need? The need to control? Because the motivation is the same, the behaviours are similar?

cherryblossoms Sun 06-Sep-09 22:36:38

I'm wondering if it's because so many of them may have been raised in abusive household themselves, and probably been subject to violence, themselves, as children.

So, they learn how to appease, are needy, are vulnerable, have little sense of the boundaries of self, have a sense of themselves as in danger of imminent attack. But have learned that they can respond with disproportionate violence and gain control. Which is reassuring on many levels. And they're good at reading people; they had to learn that or they wouldn't have got through the being-abused stage.

I will say now, I've read no books, I'm just thinking. It's just a what-if/maybe.

The great thing would be a series of questions you could put when you first meet people. Then you could tick thing s off and just run, fast, in the other direction.

Alambil Sun 06-Sep-09 23:04:17

my ex wasn't raised in a violent household - his parents were old fashioned in the sense of he told her what to do and she did it - she did everything.... but not violent

so I don't think its purely learned

cherryblossoms Sun 06-Sep-09 23:06:18

Bang goes one theory.

HerBeatitude Sun 06-Sep-09 23:08:21

Not sure if bang goes the theory. Sometimes, one partner in a relationship is so ground down, that violence by the controlling partner is unnecessary. They control their victim so perfectly that they don't need to hit them.

So that behaviour in terms of expecting complete control may be learned - the violence may be merely a symptom that the violent one hasn't yet got control down to a fine art.

mathanxiety Sun 06-Sep-09 23:34:02

Comes from a huge sense of entitlement. Most have personality disorders; narcissistic, borderline, sociopathic; they have either seen this behaviour modelled in their own homes, or have got stuck at certain stages of development and continued to get sufficiently rewarded for behaviour they should have been encouraged to drop, such as tantrums, sulking, getting others to do things for them. Those who are men often have twisted relationships with their mothers.

hatesponge Sun 06-Sep-09 23:47:23

My ex's family run along very traditional lines - his mum does everything while his dad sits on his arse and orders her about. The whole family - including teenage grandchildren - just order her about the whole time rather than actually speaking to her.

I often used to have rows with Ex on the issue of just because your mother does XYZ doesnt mean that you should expect me to, etc.

Ex only when we were about to split up alleged various physical abuse by both parents as a child (beatings, being locked in cupboard etc). Do I believe him? Not sure. It might be partly true but I think he said it to get my sympathy rather than anything else - much like when he used to smash up my things, or threaten me, or spit in my face, and then when I said I would leave or call the police would start crying about what a shit nasty person he was and how he didnt deserve me.

Not that it stopped him doing it the next time or the time after that, and so on.

Even now we're not together he plays weird mind games with me, one minute trying to shag me, the next telling me hes only being nice to me as he feels sorry for me being single when he has 'moved on' & has a girlfriend!

mathanxiety Sun 06-Sep-09 23:53:25

They do not know where they end and other people begin.

Katisha Mon 07-Sep-09 10:19:36

math that is an excellent summing up.

therealme Mon 07-Sep-09 11:13:45

"They do not know where they end and other people begin."

That is sooo true. I never really saw it that way before.
It explains a lot to me as to why I 'lost' my own sense of self.

queenofdenial2009 Thu 17-Sep-09 16:54:25

I love the School of Fucktards phrase - I will adopt it!

I really think it is the sense of entitlement thing. My abusive ex definitely felt he was being reasonable to belittle me, control me and force me to have sex. He was never physically violent - I controlled myself. For example, my first concern on coming round in A&E was how he was. Says it all really.

hottiebear Thu 17-Sep-09 22:09:34

IIRC, there have been studies done which show that a sons relationship with his mother (even if she is abusive) doesn't have much bearing on whether he will go on to be abusive or not, but his relationship with his father does.

There is a theory, that goes something along the lines of... Man fights in war. War is horrific. Man has son. Man brings up son so he will be able to fight in war (discourages empathy, humanity, emotions, anything that would get in the way of being able to kill someone, or that would make killing someone have devestating, profound, mental breakdown effect). Son grows up and goes to war. Son has son. Son brings up his son in the same way his father brought him up so that he will be able to handle war... etc etc. I don't think they think it is as conscious as this, but the effect is one of boys brought up the way their father was before them, the way his father was before him, taught to ignore their humanity, their ability to see other people as valuable and precious, their ability to see themselves as valuable and precious.

Don't know if that is true or not, but it is an interesting theory.

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