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db has just confessed to hitting ds-in-law.

(20 Posts)
confusemenot Sun 06-Sep-09 15:25:13

have name changed for this...for usual reasons.
Db confessed last night at a family dinner...
he sat and told us that he rugby tackled DS-in-law to the ground in a car park after a night out.He was kicking her in ribs and when she was down he punched her in the face.
He is blaming drink, she is blaming herself..saying its not his fault and that he feels bad....WTF?
I told him he's a fool ,how could he hurt her?
He knows exactly what he's done ,and quite matter of fact says he has no idea why he did it.
Her son (previous relationship) , went mental and kicked the shit out off DB.... i totaly understand why.DB thinks he has broken wrist, its swolen twice size and he cant move fingers...(serves him right). So now DB is hiding at the in-laws , afraid to go home.
I cant believe he's getting mum and dad's back up for this... its sickening.
i dont want anything to do with him now, but D-sis-in-law has forgiven him, and wants us to do the same. i dont think i can... ex-h used to hit me.
They both are saying this is the first time, that it wont happen again.... i said that too once.
I dont know what to do, i want to claw his eyes out and help her get rid of him. Im so ashamed of my family now.sad
His ex-dp said he hit her too,he said she hit him. I feel i hate him now, that he's a liar and an abuser and cant be trusted.
My poor DSis-in-law...she's in agony , and is taking painkillers and anti-inflamatory meds for her rib injuries.No police are involved- she doesnt want to tell them.
How can i help her? what if he does it again?

dittany Sun 06-Sep-09 15:35:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

corblimeymadam Sun 06-Sep-09 15:36:04

Message withdrawn

confusemenot Sun 06-Sep-09 15:59:42

Thank you for the link belgianbun... have taken notes of the phone numbers and will pass them on to D-sis-in-law and bro.
I did not know about RESPECT .... think bro needs a sharp look at himself, im disgusted by him.He needs to learn what he's done .... mabey the respect people can get it into his stupid arrogant head.

flaminhell Sun 06-Sep-09 16:12:58

I have just eventually after years managed to end an abusive relationship, it all starts somewhere, there is always a first time, but I have to say, its for her to forgive not you, if she wants him, and you dont agree then stay away, but that will add pressure, I would make your feelings clear, make yourself clear to him, and then leave it. If it happens again, then step in, keep an eye out, but the fact he has said something is not the usual behaviour of an abuser, they are usually quite cunning and silent, I know mine was, still is, infact still even last night sowing his seeds trying to misdirect, he doesnt sound like that. Give him a second chance, if she wants to show your support to her, and give it time.

ChookKeeper Sun 06-Sep-09 16:19:00

The only thing I ever say to anyone who blames drink for domestic violence is this:

When the guy (or girl) is drunk do they:

Hit the bartender? - No
Hit their mates? - No
Hit strangers in the bar/club etc? - No
Hit the taxi driver? - No
Hit their partner - Yes - because they can!!

They know full well the consequences of hitting 'outsiders', so to hit their partner is a choice. It is not the fault of alcohol, it is a choice and one that they will make over and over again once they have been given a second chance.

All I can say is be there for your dsil but don't feel obliged to agree with your brother's choices if they are plainly wrong.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sun 06-Sep-09 16:23:06

This could the first and last time, it could be the start of something much much worse.

confusemenot Sun 06-Sep-09 16:32:21

Ive just sent him the number/website for RESPECT and he text back thanks.Ive also made it very clear to DSis-in-law that she is to phone me if she is needs help and i will help.I will do everything i can to make sure she has an escape should she need it.
Im so so angry at him, it worse because he knows what ex-h did to me.... how could he?
sad and ashamed.

macdoodle Sun 06-Sep-09 16:33:16

But he has history - OP says he hit his exP too and made out she hit him - this is typical - my XH did that - but I only slapped you across the face because you hit me - ummmm no I DID NOT !!!

OP am so sorry for you - all abusers are someones brother/sister, child - and usually IME blood is thicker than water - so good for you doing the right thing!

She is the only one who can make the choice to leave - give her the numbers, tell her you are their for her, and back off, dont add more pressure or next time she (or he) wont tell you !

mrsboogie Sun 06-Sep-09 16:38:54

why did he confess? because he was injured himself and had to explain it or to bring a problem out into the open or what?

If he is seriously saying that drink is the only reason for what he did and that he wouldn't ever do it sober then he has to stop drinking. If there is no history of domestic violence in the family maybe he just turns into a violent tosser with drink?

I don't blame you for how you feel- I would feel the same. The only good thing is that he may not hit her again if he is scared of her son's retribution (which he totally deserved).

confusemenot Sun 06-Sep-09 16:52:28

I have no idea why he confessed, was just a normal family dinner, Dsis-in-law and bro were a bit quiet and then mum & dad disapeared for a bit and he told us ,as she sat sobbing beside him.shock
I hope its because he wants help to stop him doing it again... but he seemed quite cold.Almost like he was talking about someone else.
They were enjoying a night out, she went to loo and came back and he was talking to some girls, she said in a jokey way "oops ive came back too early" then went outside for a fag.He followed her and thats when it happened.

dittany Sun 06-Sep-09 16:58:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl Sun 06-Sep-09 17:01:21

That sounds as if he thought about it.
She must be terrified.
I´d have to leave for my own sanity/safety.
It wasn´t a quick slap in the heat of the moment.
He forced her to the ground and actually kicked her whilst she was down.
And punched her face.

He could have killed her.

confusemenot Sun 06-Sep-09 17:13:32

Thats my point.I dont know who he is anymore.
I cant forgive him....she is a tiny girl , short and about a size 6 ...he's 5"6 ,but about 12 stone way bigger than her. i feel sick thinking about it...she was lucky not to have worse injuries.
I hate him,i hate what hes done.

diddl Sun 06-Sep-09 17:21:17

I can´t understand why she feels it is her fault.
Even if she was taunting him badly, he could have walked away.
It´s up to her if she wants to forgive.

TBH, I just wouldn´t be able to look at him, I would be so embarrassed/ashamed of him.

So everyone has forgiven him except you & his son?

If you don´t forgive, does it split the whole family?

confusemenot Sun 06-Sep-09 20:19:42

I dont know if it would split the family.But another family member (male) has also said that if stepson hits bro again , then he will step in and sort him out.
So its ok to batter a woman, but not another man? Bunch of morons!
My nephew is 17 .IMO he was defending his mum.sad.

mrsboogie Sun 06-Sep-09 21:14:27

God, only 17?? fair play to him.

He must have told you for a reason. Maybe he sounded cold because it doesn't feel real to him or something?. I dunno.

It isn't the sort of thing that happens out of the blue, not that level of violence, I know that much.

dittany Sun 06-Sep-09 21:53:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

confusemenot Sun 06-Sep-09 22:03:39

sad . Im an inch away from telling the lot of them to stay away from me and kids because of this .... apart from DSis-in-law. She needs someone to watch her back, i think.

cherryblossoms Sun 06-Sep-09 22:42:46

Confusemenot - you've done something good for yourself, here. I think we often tolerate our blood relatives doing things which are appalling because of the whole family loyalty thing.

I do wonder if that sometimes has the effect of lowering our tolerance for accepting that behaviour generally - to ourselves indeed.

Were your parents OK to you as a child? I'm just wondering because it seems so odd for your db to do this from nowhere.

I'm also feeling a bit sorry for the stepson. He reminds me a bit of a friend I had in childhood, who spent his entire adolescence trying to bulk up enough to beat up his stepfather, who was beating up his mother.

Which is a truly awful way to live and just has a hundred warning-lights around it for future relationship troubles.

Good luck to you.

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