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Why can't I be happy with what I have? Please tell me I'm being an idiot......

(24 Posts)
beingsostupid Sun 06-Sep-09 14:59:51

Have name changed for this.

Have been seeing this guy for a while. Serious, monogamous relationship, he cares a lot about me, we get on very well and have fun together. He is keen to meet my DC and for me to meet his, and longer term, assuming all goes well, wants us all to live together - my lease expires at the end of the year, and he suggested that might be a good time to do it.

I havent given him a yes or no answer, but have said I'll think about it, he knows that I moved in quite quickly with DCs dad and don't want to repeat the same mistakes, so is quite happy to give me time.

In truth though, its not just that which is holding me back, or delaying me introducing him to my DC, I feel that if I take that step then thats it, we're officially together, no going back. And because I still can't stop thinking about someone else

I haven't told my current man much about the previous one, he just knows that he was married (yes I know) and it didnt work out. He doesn't know I still think about him all the time & I feel awful for doing that. I haven't spoken to him in a year, changed my number, and although I've thought of calling him many times, and a couple of times even dialled his number, but hung up before it even rang. He is still married, still unhappy (or so I've been told) but clearly not that unhappy that he would leave, so why am I even wasting thoughts on him? I want to be happy in my current relationship, I know I should be, but this is holding me back, even though I tell myself it's stupid.

SheWillBeLoved Sun 06-Sep-09 15:41:38

If this other bloke was that unhappy and wanted you as much as you wanted him - you'd be together, but you're not. New bloke sounds lovely, and you could have a shot at a lovely family with him. Don't ruin it all by chasing the impossible.

Do you really want to throw away what you have now, for somebody who (unhappy or not) cheats on his wife? If the answer is no, then leave the past in the past and stop delaying your future to live in it.

melmog Sun 06-Sep-09 15:47:03

Yes, but don't move in with this new man, lovely as he is, unless you really want to.

If it's not 'right' it's not right and you can't force it.

lost4words Sun 06-Sep-09 17:13:58

how long is "a while"? why do you think about the other man so much?

as for introducing the NM to your DCs... how old are they? Could he just float through your house as a friend who happens to be a boy? My advice would be to do it that way - not let them find him there in the morning; there not to be any public displays of affection - he's just a new friend. Likewise you with his DCs.

If this NM is worth anything, he will respect this.

beingsostupid Sun 06-Sep-09 20:04:31

we have been seeing each other for about 6 months. We work for the same company so are able to meet for lunch etc most days.

Our DC are aged between 9 & 12. I'm not worried about my DC's reaction, I'm sure if 7 when they do meet him they will like him. In many ways he's a great bloke - it hasnt been discussed but I know from things he has said he is thinking long term about us ie beyond just living together to marriage, having a DC together etc.

I am conscious that I'm holding him at arms length. I know I could be happy with him, it's just a different sort of happiness. we get on well, we have fun, it's nice. But with the other, married one it was all very intense & emotional, he used to write me poems, constantly told me how beautiful and amazing I was, how he wished he'd met me first blush.

I don't think feelings like that last though do they? But then again I never felt like that about NM - we were friends and first then just started going out. He means a lot to me. But I've never felt the same intensity, never cried because I missed him and couldn't see him, because he's always been there.

I can't help but compare the 2 men in my mind, even though I know its a ridiculous comparison. It's so hard to know if I'm holding back from NM because it's not 'right' or because I'm hoping for something that is never going to happen

ninah Sun 06-Sep-09 20:09:01

'never cried because I missed him and he wasn't there, because he's alwys been there?'
that says it all
no good going for a man who gives you red eyes now is it?
give nm a chance, don't rush into moving in with him as you both have dc and will take time
but give him a chance emotionally
the married bloke sounds a tosser - 'wishes he'd met me first' - what a bastard!

AnyFucker Sun 06-Sep-09 20:10:12

you cannot compare the two

one is real

one is not (I bet he told you that you were his "soulmate" didn't he? So much his soulmate that he remains with his wife....hmm)

end of

although, tbh, I would be telling you to slow things down with your NM for his sake, not yours

EricBanaIsSuckingMyNipples Sun 06-Sep-09 20:13:38

Oh purleeease. Poems?

You should dump your bloke and let him be happy with somebody else. It sounds like you are wasting his time.

beingsostupid Sun 06-Sep-09 20:21:39

ninah - yes the married one I suspect is a tosser. If I think about it rationally, rather than all the hearts & flowers stuff, he did used to come out with some priceless comments; after we first made love (his phrase blush) he said it was the best day of his life hmm I'm good, but I'm not that good - and AF, yes he did tell me I was his soulmate, the love of his life. Wrote me several poems on that very topic.

He really is a bit of a wanker isn't he? Maybe if I repeat this as a mantra, I will believe it.

AF, I take your point re NM. He would have met my DC well before now, but I'm the one saying hold on etc (which is not like me, I always used to jump into relationships with both feet - I was living with DC's dad after 3 weeks etc) & I don't want to hurt him - or his DC, or mine. If he isn't right I'd rather work that out before all our families are involved & affected.

I'm not a horrible person honest, I just have stupidity issues with men....

AnyFucker Sun 06-Sep-09 20:24:56

yep, I knew it (soulmates, what a crock of shite...)

BSS, wake up love, you have been royally played by married player

now decide if you want your NM or not

and don't piss him around

ninah Sun 06-Sep-09 20:25:05

of course you're not horrible!
I agree that taking things slowly is a good thing when you have dc, but holding back emotionally for the sake of this married shit is not going to help your future happiness. nm sounds lovely give him a chance!

beingsostupid Sun 06-Sep-09 20:35:22

I've thought of a couple more:

he used to get very upset and cry about our situation, he was scared I would go off with someone more available, and he used to worry about me being in the house on my own (when Dc with their dad) & if I would be safe hmm

he also apparently told his whole (v religious) family about me including his 80 year old granny..........

Actually this is good, the more I think the more examples of his twatness I can come up with

AnyFucker Sun 06-Sep-09 20:45:14

eww, twat, yes

I really hope you have woken up now

what the hell happened to you ?? Did an alien steal your brain ?????????

ninah Sun 06-Sep-09 20:46:53

someone 'more' available
er yes, complete twat
and now you have! well done you

beingsostupid Sun 06-Sep-09 20:55:11

He also told me I was beautiful inside and out.

And that he found me both sexually and mentally stimulating.

shock

Can I plead temporary insanity?

I might have to print this thread out to remind me - trouble is my RL friends all know (and like) him as well, so none of them have ever said BSS he is an arse you know....

Heated Sun 06-Sep-09 20:57:44

An older gf was saying similar (her ex-hb was drunken & controlling and the next was unhappily married (aren't they all)). She said if you've been dating a series of fwits, and then find someone genuine, you question it because you're so used to the emotional highs which are inevitably followed by a lot of emotional lows. Being on an even keel in a relationship was strange & took a very long time to not only get used to it but to believe they deserved someone kind and decent too.

Portofino Sun 06-Sep-09 20:59:43

"and he used to worry about me being in the house on my own" Sod being worried about your security - he was more worried that you might have gone out and had nice time. Cake and eat it scenario. Honestly the NM sounds like a much better catch. He doesn't deserve to be pissed about though.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Sep-09 21:11:12

I want to punch this fuckers lights out

and BSS, you deserve a slap, and so do your mates, for not tellling you the truth about your stupidity

are you feeling dirty yet ?

you deserve to

beingsostupid Sun 06-Sep-09 21:11:59

Heated I think you may have something there - before the married one, I was with DC's dad in an dysfunctional and at times abusive relationship, it was pretty relentlessly depressing - sort of Eastenders at its worst, complete with exchanges like:

Him 'You're a fat ugly cunt, you should be grateful to have me cos no other fucker would want you'

Me - usually through tears' Fuck off and die'

blush

Then with the married one it was like some Mills & Boon novel on acid

Him' I love you'
Me' Not as much as I love you'
Him' No, not as much' (pause for me to look hurt) 'much more'

blush blush

I do think maybe the normality of what I have with NM after the drama of everything else is what I'm finding odd, and therefore thinking of the emotional highs of being with the married one.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Sep-09 21:22:28

bss, its called a normal relationship

Portofino Sun 06-Sep-09 21:25:26

"Normal" relationships just aren't all Mills and Boon though in MHE. Maybe right at the beginning, and when you're younger it tends to be more intense. And there's just something so "exciting" about being strung along. It's the will he /won't he ask me out (again) feeling dragged out.

I've known my DH for 20 years and we have been together for 10. I miss him when he is away (but no so much that I don't enjoy an evening with a glass of wine and full control of the remote control). I look forward to coming home from work to see him. I enjoy our (rare) nights outs. I still fancy him. He is (mostly) a considerate husband - though has his moments - and is a doting dad. I wouldn't swap this in a million years for poetry and excitement.

I look at him (no spring chicken and no George Clooney) and can imagine our old age together. To me that is the test.

beingsostupid Sun 06-Sep-09 22:06:18

I don't think I ever have had a normal relationship before this one.

This is probably why I'm finding it hard.

Portofino Sun 06-Sep-09 22:57:33

You've obviously taken steps to remove the other guy from your life, which is really good. So at the mo, you have til the end of the year when your lease runs out. That isn't definitive but could be used as a useful marker point.

The other guy is a waster, no matter how exciting he seems. Concentrate on putting him from your mind. Put all your energies into your new relationship.

If you reach the end of the year, and still don't feel happy about settling down with new man, well then don't. But you have to be honest with him then. He sounds like a nice guy. It's not fair for him to invest time and energy in you if you're not prepared to do it in return.

lost4words Mon 07-Sep-09 07:20:35

I agree with what Heated says - I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 20 years and have been with my NM for a year now. He is lovely - kind, considerate, doesn't let me down, gets a bit obsessive about sport... not so bothered about that, was worried he was too perfect! Being with him is effortless.

There was someone else briefly before I met him. This bloke was very exciting, said all the right things.... but was very unreliable and often unavailable.

keep reminding yourself of the things the married guy did. And give this new bloke more of a chance. Six months isn't very long to get to know someone.

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