DH is unhappy with me and I need advice :(

[nikki1978]

DH and I have always had a great relationship and rarely argue but recently that has changed and we have fallen out a few times in the last couple of months. He tends to get moody with me and I have to push him to find out what is wrong (he will say nothing is wrong for ages but still be moody and unaffectionate with me so I know something is).

About a month ago he got stroppy with me as above and I finally got out of him that he feels I never initiate sex and he feels like he wants me more than I want him. This really is not the case and I told him that and said I guess I had gotten a bit lazy since he instigated it so often and I am a bit more shy than him so prefer him to take the lead. I know this is lazy of me and so I started taking the lead more but tbh after a week or so forgot about it a bit as I have been really busy and things went back to the way they were.

Then two weeks ago he was snappy and moody again for a couple of days and said nothing was wrong. I was getting cross with him as I knew something was. While I was at work he called and said he was writing me an email which was going to take some time but for me to keep checking my account. He wouldn't elaborate and I was bricking it for 30 mins waiting for this email.

Anyway he said he had been on a long drive to think and he said he was feeling unhappy as he feels like a failure. Basically he is very intellegent and driven but he has not ever really stuck at anything as something new will excite him and he will go off on a tangent. He has done that with his career. Did a City and Guilds but never finished it, went into the pub business for a couple of years, then was a car alarm installer for a few more years, had his own business that didn't work out, then worked for my Dad in his hotel for a few years (we had to do this to survive financially - DH had huge debts from his teenage years and we have worked hard to pay them off but they have gotten better then worse over the years due to kids, business that went wrong, wedding etc these debts are now better but still high) and now he has his own IT business but his business partner is not as ambitious so it is hard for him to expand the business as this other guy is pivotal to its success atm.

He also said he was frustrated with our financial hand to mouth existence (we have to live in my parents house with my brothers - one of whom is a little shit - as we can't yet afford to rent or buy our own due to the debts).

We have talked for years about emigrating to Australia one day and since one of us really needs a degree and a good profession to get in I said now the kids are near to starting school I would go and get some more Alevels and do a degree (I think I am going to go for occupational therapy) so we can earn more money together and hopefully one day we can emigrate.

He is a great husband and helps me out as much as he can (he works from home a fair bit of the time, the rest he mainly does shift contract work in London) and he will often look after DS for 20 mins while I drop DD at school or help with the shopping if it is too stressful for me. On the other hand he works long hours and often all weekend so I am virtually a single parent a lot which is hard for me and most of the housework, finances and general stuff that need to be done is down to me so my life is pretty hectic.

Anyway we just had a row today as a friend of mine is having a birthday bbq next Saturday and DH had arranged for my mum to come and sit with the kids after DDs birthday party (which is the same day) from 3pm to 9pm. I was nto aware of this and was going to ask my mum if she could sit with them anyway but I said to DH if she can't do you mind if I go by myself? He got very upset by this and said fine do what you like, I'll stay at home with the kids. Then was clearly very upset with me but wouldn't explain why and just kept saying things like just remember our last two arguements and then you'll know why I'm upset. I lost my rag and said I am not a bloody mindreader tell me what you are upset about, I can't remember every conversation we have ever had!

Anyway turns out he feels I do not need him and I am forging ahead with alevels and uni etc and he is getting "left behind in the slipstream". This is just so untrue and I am getting annoyed/upset as he is obviously unhappy yet I feel I am not really doing anything wrong here - or maybe I am and I'm being unreasonable? Admittedly I have been rubbish about the sex thing but I have had so much on my mind with revising for a maths exam to get me into college and what degree to do plus the daily stuff (kids, cleaning etc) that it just slipped my mind.

AIBU? Maybe this is in the wrong section but it is more relationship than anything else

[nikki1978]

Actually what I have said about him getting excited about something new and going off at a tangent is not realyl fair when is come to work. He has had to swop jobs more down to circumstance and money some of the time particularly since we have had kids.

[2rebecca]

I think living with your parents sounds awful. Some of the debts like expensive wedding sound unnecessary. It sounds as though he's blaming you for the fact that his business isn't going well and he isn't the main provider.
I'm not keen on the way he talks to you all this "remember our last 2 arguments" and telling you he will send you an email rather than just talking to you. It sounds quite manipulative. Not telling someone why you are annoyed with them is the sort of thing little girls do "if you can't work out what you've done wrong we aren't telling you". I couldn't stand living with someone who couldn't just talk to me and played silly power games.
It sounds like you need a long talk. He also needs to let you do your own thing and accept he can't control your life and concentrate on sorting his own out.

[nikki1978]

Sorry misunderstanding we are not living with my parents now just in their house as they live in their hotel elsewhere. But working and living in their hotel for 3 years was awful and my Dad was horrible to DH constantly belittling him and treating him like crap.

I agree the things he is saying sound manipulative and I told him so today and that he was acting like a child.

He just seems so insecure and unhappy and I have no idea what to do about it.

He was upset today as he says whenever he goes to the pub with his friends he always wants me to come and finds a way and was upset that I said I would go by myself to my friends party if my mum couldn't babysit. In my defence he is not a social person and doesn't really like going out whereas I do so I thought he wouldn't mind me going alone rather than us go briefly until the kids needed to go to bed. When he does come out with my friends he often sits in the corner emailing on his blackberry anyway - he doesn't have a lot in common with them.

[skihorse]

I can understand that it's difficult to go back to living at "home" - but it's really not the end of the world - there are far worse things that can happen to a person or a couple or a family.

What's stopping him go back to uni or do an OU course?

[MrsSantoslovestheBBC]

Depressed maybe? He is blaming you for things which are not your fault. A decent GP might be able to sort him out with some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (not a cure-all) but it can help to break negative thought patters e.g. "I'm no good, I never finish things". It sounds as if there is a lot for you to deal with and I admire the way you are being constructive about your future despite his negativity. You really can't "do anything" about his state of mind - only he can fix that but nor should you have to put up with poor behaviour (yes, I am speaking from experience here ) Good luck.

[thumbwitch]

I have some sympathy with his reaction over the party - it would feel to me like going to the party was more important than us going out, iyswim, and I wouldn't much like it either.

He is (imo) obviously insecure and frightened that you are going to leave him behind in life, and that he is going to lose you - you need to reassure him that you love him whatever and will support him whatever and anything you do in terms of extra education etc. is for both of you and your family, not just for you.

And tell him to make an effort to interact with people - he might learn something!

[doasyouwouldbedoneby]

Sorry but if l was your DH l would be more than a bit pissed off at you and your selfishness regarding the party. The invite was for both of you. It sounded as if you really didn't want him to go with you.

Your whole post seeems to undermine your DH and when you say l have done nothing wrong have you done anything right.
You say he is a great dad--good but
you feel like a single parent because he works so much, what do you actually want.

This poor guy obviously wants to do well and support his family--you would do well if you could give him a bit of encouragement to perhaps further HIS education and perhaps he could study for a degree as well.

[mmrsceptic]

I feel sorry for him. Is he quite an old fashioned bloke -- thinks he ought to be hunter gatherer and so on? He seems to have a few old fashioned ideas and is not very "new man" ish about communication. He seems to be feeling that he's lost control and lost his way.

The thing is your relationship seems to becoming quite different to what he thinks would be a traditional one and he can't adjust to it very easily and is seeing failure at each turn.

Maybe I'm completely wrong but if he's making this big adjustment then you need to help him, maybe. You could think, well he should do this and he should open up and he should accept the way things are, but you know, if he hasn't so far, and he's struggling to do so, you need to walk the way with him I reckon.

[mmrsceptic]

also, if you love him and you don't mind initiating sex, but are a bit forgetful about it.. then.. you might be surprised at how "changing" it is for men to get loads of sex

i'm not saying, have sex if you don't want to, heaven forfend, but frankly, if you do, then have loads of it for a bit to (the shame, can't believe I'm typing this) put him in a better mood while you talk about things more

[mmrsceptic]

maybe you should ignore that last bit, i'm not entirely sure there isn't something quite wrong about it

[sayithowitis]

Nikki, I am sorry if I am barking up the wrong tree here, but tbh, it sounds to me as though you actually have some big problems with your relationship. You have posted several times over the last couple of months or so, each time you start by saying what awonderful relationship you have and then go on to detail exactly why it is not as wonderful as you state. Are you hoping that by saying it is great, it will make it so? You see, your other posts indicate to me that something, somewhere, is very un-great and it needs to be sorted.

I think you both need to sit down and really talk about all the things that are not so great and to work out how you are going to work on them. I think the sex thing is very important here. I think you have given him mixed messages about that and maybe, some of the problems do stem from this.

From what I have read, you seem to be the driving force in whatever happens in your relationship. Maybe he is feeling a bit emasculated?

I really do hope you can work this out.

[TheCrackFox]

Nikki, you have posted several times now about your relationship. Perhaps it might be time to book an appointment with Relate? Some professional counselling might help you both get back on track.