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Thinking that it's over but not knowing what to do - any suggestions?

(7 Posts)
bigpantywoman Sat 05-Sep-09 22:47:06

Hi, this is going to be long and rambling but I'll do my best, would really welcome any suggestions. Basically I've had it up to here with DH. He has problems with alcohol and it's really shit - he's not abusive or anything but basically I spend most of my evenings alone while he sleeps it off. I have reached the point where I feel I may as well be a single parent, apart from financially I can't see what benefits it really brings me to be married to him. I even hate having sex with him, I've actually started to feel a physical sense of panic when he wants to get intimate. If we never had sex again ever I would be happy. I feel that actually I just don't like him much any more, he is an articulate and intelligent man but in recent years his political views have become more extreme and I find him arrogant, racist, overbearing and even a bit eccentric which I used to find amusing but now just irritates the crap out of me. He also suffers from depression and self esteem issues. In the midst of all of this he wants to give up his job which he hates to persue something he already tried a few years ago but was not succesful at - he tells me he is getting better, but I feel that unless he tackles his demons especially the alcohol he will never make a success of it. I don't want him to keep doing a job he hates and would truly love him to be a success, I have been positive and encouraging, but I am running out of steam. He is loving, kind and affectionate to the DD's and they love him but he is not an active Dad in the sense of actually doing things with them - it's loving but on his terms IYSWIM. I think the DD's would be devastated if they didn't see Daddy, but I am starting to feel that my anger and unhappiness is poisoning things - surely it would be better for them to have a stable happy home with just me than a tense unhappy one with both of us?I simply don't know how to even begin tackling this with him. I have previously suggested Relate and he said absolutely no. I truly feel if I suggested separation he would lose it - I think he might even be capable of doing something stupid, I don't mean suicide although he has threatened that in the past, but something like taking all our money out of the bank and running off to Thailand to live on the beach. I don't feel safe and I don't know what to do. Do I start by talking to him and risk a meltdown? Or do I go about things more surreptitiously - I have thought about for example going through the files and photocopying all our financial information. Our situation is a bit complicated as we lived overseas for a while and so a lot of our money is offshore and he is the one who handles all the money stuff. Any ideas?? I just feel lost, so totally lost, no idea where to start, feel that I can't see the wood for the trees.

HolyGuacamole Sat 05-Sep-09 23:32:02

Hey, I broke this down into paragraphs for you as it was quite hard to read smile

Hi, this is going to be long and rambling but I'll do my best, would really welcome any suggestions.

Basically I've had it up to here with DH. He has problems with alcohol and it's really shit - he's not abusive or anything but basically I spend most of my evenings alone while he sleeps it off.

I have reached the point where I feel I may as well be a single parent, apart from financially I can't see what benefits it really brings me to be married to him. I even hate having sex with him, I've actually started to feel a physical sense of panic when he wants to get intimate.

If we never had sex again ever I would be happy. I feel that actually I just don't like him much any more, he is an articulate and intelligent man but in recent years his political views have become more extreme and I find him arrogant, racist, overbearing and even a bit eccentric which I used to find amusing but now just irritates the crap out of me.

He also suffers from depression and self esteem issues. In the midst of all of this he wants to give up his job which he hates to pursue something he already tried a few years ago but was not successful at - he tells me he is getting better, but I feel that unless he tackles his demons especially the alcohol he will never make a success of it.

I don't want him to keep doing a job he hates and would truly love him to be a success, I have been positive and encouraging, but I am running out of steam.

He is loving, kind and affectionate to the DD's and they love him but he is not an active Dad in the sense of actually doing things with them - it's loving but on his terms IYSWIM. I think the DD's would be devastated if they didn't see Daddy, but I am starting to feel that my anger and unhappiness is poisoning things - surely it would be better for them to have a stable happy home with just me than a tense unhappy one with both of us?

I simply don't know how to even begin tackling this with him. I have previously suggested Relate and he said absolutely no.

I truly feel if I suggested separation he would lose it - I think he might even be capable of doing something stupid, I don't mean suicide although he has threatened that in the past, but something like taking all our money out of the bank and running off to Thailand to live on the beach.

I don't feel safe and I don't know what to do. Do I start by talking to him and risk a meltdown? Or do I go about things more surreptitiously - I have thought about for example going through the files and photocopying all our financial information.

Our situation is a bit complicated as we lived overseas for a while and so a lot of our money is offshore and he is the one who handles all the money stuff.

Any ideas?? I just feel lost, so totally lost, no idea where to start, feel that I can't see the wood for the trees.

iliketurquoise Sat 05-Sep-09 23:39:52

you are an angel HolyGuacamole

AnyFucker Sun 06-Sep-09 11:58:06

bump

diddl Sun 06-Sep-09 13:46:01

Would it be any better if he sorted his alcohol problem out?

If he cares about his family he should be prepared to do that, IMO.

How old are your children?
If he doesn´t do much with them, they would probably cope.

picmaestress Sun 06-Sep-09 14:08:33

I don't know if I'm going to help, but here goes.

I left someone, because he was being an arse, in January. I justified it because our relationship was shit and I got nothing out of it. Yours sounds reasonably similar.

Take any financial worries out of any decisions you're making. It's important to make an emotional decision when deciding whether to leave someone. You can deal with practicalities and money separately, once you've sorted your head out.

Take any fears about what his reaction is going be out of the equation. I thought my DH would kill himself or freak out. Actually although he was shocked and really upset, he was also relieved that the tension was over.

Your DH really doesn't sound like a very good partner, and I think you probably should feel more...assertive about your own needs. Don't feel lost - feel angry, and do something about it. Everyone deserves happiness, including you.

Someone refusing to go to Relate is really unreasonable. That's one of the reasons I left - after really thinking it through, I just thought: if you know we have massive problems and I'm incredibly unhappy, but you want all of this to work and say that you love me...you just would come with me, and try harder.

My DH refusing to go was the sign I needed that he didn't give a shit about my needs. You need to ask your DH why he's refusing to go, and ask him again. If he's still refusing to tackle your problems, you know what your answer is.

There really isn't a future for you with someone you don't want to have sex with.

You might need to wait until you're really desperate. The way I felt was this: I had to run and jump off a cliff, because what was chasing me was so fecking awful, ANYTHING would have been better, even going through the hassle, guilt and pain of leaving a man who I still sort of loved.

It's not easy, but freedom and happiness is worth it, I can honestly tell you. It's great.

Why don't you feel safe? Is that a physical concern, or do you just mean you're terrified of tackling the whole divorce thing?

Oh, and fyi, the way I tackled it was very simple and honest. I just told him I was desperately unhappy and I had to get out. I didn't say sorry, I didn't cry, I just said that was it. It really is as simple as that if you're determined to change your life.

Hope you come to some positive conclusions.

Take care of yourself.

bigpantywoman Mon 07-Sep-09 18:18:44

Hi there thank you to those who bumped me and edited my message! Picmaestress can I just ask - did you have kids? It's just that it seems that the people who would be most adversely affected would be the children and so I am thinking this through very carefully. We don't really fight or anything, there is no violence in the home and they have a lovely happy childhood although I dare say at some level they are affected by the emotional atmosphere. Wierldly I always feel lowest at night - like when I posted my message, I can cry myself to sleep at night and then in the morning I think "what was I thinking?!". I do still love him, I know he sounds like an arse but he is still actually quite a nice guy if only he could stop the boozing and sort his head out a bit. I think I need help in expressing my own needs and feelings - I can't afford a private therapist though. Does anyone know if there is any way to get help in the sense of counselling via the NHS? I guess there must be huge waiting lists. Anyway thanks to those who read/reply, it's always good to hear others are in the same or similar boats.

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