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How do you have a relationship if you are a bit of a control freak?

(14 Posts)
FluffySaysTheDailyMailsShite Sat 05-Sep-09 22:03:04


It's early days, I can't stand waiting for him to call though (I don't mean in a stalker 'I need to be with you every minute of every day' IYSWIM), the temptation to end it is quite high, even though I like him.
What do you do?? I can't stand the butterflies and the waiting, it's driving me nuts.

Overmydeadbody Sat 05-Sep-09 22:07:37

You need to occupy yourself with other things that take up youer time and stop you thinking about him.

In what ways are you a control freak?

Why is the temptation to end it o high?

FluffySaysTheDailyMailsShite Sat 05-Sep-09 22:10:42

because I really hate all the hanging around and the 'getting to know you bit' (not as much though), and the 'you really could be an arse' bit. I suppose I'm a bit nervous aswell.

cherryblossoms Sat 05-Sep-09 22:33:52

Slightly odd - but would it help if you could try and tell yourself that's the fun part?

I know ... crazy. But for some people it really is.

Goodness knows, people take pleasure in doing exercise, not just because they want the end result but because of the process ... . Maybe you can try telling yourself that the butterflies and the fact that you don't know where it's all going is actually fun.

I think a lot of people find the early stage hard, because it's so ... unknowable. Why do you think it's because you're a control freak?

Overmydeadbody Sat 05-Sep-09 22:34:06

I think you need to stop over-thinking it all.

Yes of course he could be an arse, but equally he could be lovely. That is why you take it slowly and get to know him.

You need to just focus on the present, on the no, instead of worrying aout the future or 'what ifs'.

Overmydeadbody Sat 05-Sep-09 22:35:20

The initial butterflies and getting to know you bit can be the most enjoyable part of a new relationship for a lot of people.

Could you focus on the positive more?

HolyGuacamole Sat 05-Sep-09 22:39:08

Getting to know someone is a pain in the ass,......but it is this time that (if it works out) you can look back on fondly and say "Gawd, remember when I was dying for you to text, the nerves, the excitement" etc, etc.

If/when the relationship calms down, you can't get those days back so make the most, chill out and enjoy the butterflies. It is all part of the fun.

And........calm down. Don't be desperate......not that I'm saying you are, but just don't, ok! Play it cool smile


FluffySaysTheDailyMailsShite Sat 05-Sep-09 22:41:05

I'm not good at relationships to be honest, my parents never got on and used to argue all the time. I find it really hard. I need to know where things are going, not just in a relationship, I can't explain, it's a security thing.

cherryblossoms Sat 05-Sep-09 22:45:06

Fluffy - Do you have dc?

If you do then you must have had to deal with the fact that dc, and looking after them, have that same element of being slightly out of control, organising the unknowable quality.

If you coped with that, you can cope with this. Difficult though it is.

And maybe taking things veeeery slowly.

Is it trust stuff you find particularly difficult?

FluffySaysTheDailyMailsShite Sat 05-Sep-09 22:53:53

Yes, he's 10.
It could be trust, my past record with men is rather bad. They either cheat, dump me or I get there first and dump them.
I've told him that I've had a very bad history, he wants to go slow, I can't help thinking he's not interested or he'll go off. It's my fault I know, I want to get to know him better but I've not seen him out of work yet because something crops up. I don't want to keep calling him as it's a 2 way thing.

HolyGuacamole Sat 05-Sep-09 22:59:48

Aw, take it as it comes. Take it slowly and go with your instinct.

Seriously you cannot let every bad lesson from the past lead you and hold you the same time, you don;t want to leap in, or, hold back too much.

It is a fine line but if it is right for you, it will all work out fine.

It is all a bit of give and take and at first, each person is never truly sure of the others intentions. It takes a while to get to that point where "you just know".

Don;t be scared but at the same time, don't let bad lessons hold you back. You only live once. If it messes up, the it as never for you in the first place and if it works out then all the better huh smile Love conquers all.

Don't sweat the small stuff smile

cherryblossoms Sat 05-Sep-09 23:03:50

Do you keep choosing people to fail?

You know, you don't have to. You have earned the absolute love of at least one person (your 10 year old), so you know, there must be lots of other people out there who'll have thoroughlly decent relationships with you.

I suppose going slowly is the only way.

cherryblossoms Sat 05-Sep-09 23:11:02

And also, the story you're telling yourself about all your relationships being bad may not be the whole truth. Sometimes it just looks like that if we're looking back when we're feeling scared or low.

I don't know, because I don't know you.

HG is right, it's a balancing act; letting yourself be informed by what has gone before, but not letting it ruin your new relationship before it starts.

FluffySaysTheDailyMailsShite Sat 05-Sep-09 23:11:22

smile Thanks for talking to me.
I don't want this one to fail, I like him. I'm feeling uneasy though, I know I shouldn't but I do.

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