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I don't know how to handle him or what to do

(22 Posts)
slimbo Sat 05-Sep-09 21:40:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl Sat 05-Sep-09 21:44:38

are you not eligible for legal aid?

Would stop speaking/texting/emailing him and deal with him in writing only. You don't need to do everything through a solicitor you can do it privately for the most part.

macdoodle Sat 05-Sep-09 22:02:16

So sorry my advice is you are doing the right thing - stick with the solicitor, do NOT communicate with him, dont answer his texts, you cannot reason with an unreasonable man !!!
So far my solicitor has cost me almost £10K, absolute and financial mess pending - and when I am finally rid of the shotbag it will be the best moeny I ever spent !
I so symapthise, it is utterly exhausting and stressful but you will get there and have a far better life without him !

slimbo Sat 05-Sep-09 22:02:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iliketurquoise Sat 05-Sep-09 22:14:00

slimbo,
can you contact women's aid?
they deal with such issues i think.
tell them how you feel and what your problems are.
i am sure they have dealt with ladies in your position and experience is there.
and they may find the most appropriate solicitor or help you deal with him.

mathanxiety Sat 05-Sep-09 22:19:34

Legal Aid! And Womens Aid! He wants you to bankrupt yourself. Don't contact him personally at all. He is angry and unreasonable, and willing to upset his own disabled DD to try to hurt you. Don't get sucked in -- rely completely on the solicitor for communication. Then he will have to get one too.

BadgersBait Sun 06-Sep-09 09:14:12

Slimbo, everyone is right. It doesnt take long at all to go through the legal aid process, ive been there myself! The money you are spending yourself on solicitors fees could come in handy with something in the near future. I had an awkward ex and was told not to have communication with him whatsoever, and let the solicitors deal with it. Oh, and all these texts hes sending, please keep them, as they are very valuable proof of his childish threats, and will be useful to show your solicitor when the house will be in the process of repocession, it will prove hes being an unreasonable arsehole and you maybe get less of the stick when its eventually sorted.

BadgersBait Sun 06-Sep-09 09:15:48

I think the CAB helped me find an appropriate solicitor who accepted legal aid funding.

countingto10 Sun 06-Sep-09 09:33:33

You will probably find that OW is telling him what to say to you, how to deal with you and telling him what to do. When my DH was with OW he was despicable to me, she told him to have me arrested for an incident (fortunately my DH had some sense left in head (though not much)) - you can just imagine what they are saying between themselves.

My DH can't believe he was manipulated so easily and it really shames him now.

Can you have a sensible conversation with him away from OW at all ? If not, you really need to call the shots. Have you removed all his stuff from the house eg? To let him know you mean business and will not "roll over and die". It's hard when you have a DC but she should be your motivation. Do something to make yourself feel good, for yourself. You need to get yourself to a position so that whatever he does will not affect you. He has an obligation to support you and your DD and cannot get out of it, whatever he and the OW think.

I hope you have a RL support network around you (everybody rallied around me when DH left and it really helped me get through the initial devastation).

I think you will find that the OW is "putting suggestions into his head" as whatever he agrees to do with you will impact on her and her "future" IYSWIM.

Good luck.

macdoodle Sun 06-Sep-09 09:38:43

Well for a start dont bloody excuse his appaling behaviour by blaming the OW!!!
Is he a man or a 5 year old boy, I am sure he is more than capable of making his own mind up, and the way he is treating you is disgusting!

Oh and I have been there, so I know how much easier it is to "blame" the OW, much easier than accepting the man you loved, married, had DC with is a complete and utter arse, IMO and IME......it is usually the H that is filling the OW heads with lies about the W!!

BadgersBait Sun 06-Sep-09 09:46:07

Oh and I have been there, so I know how much easier it is to "blame" the OW, much easier than accepting the man you loved, married, had DC with is a complete and utter arse, IMO and IME......it is usually the H that is filling the OW heads with lies about the W!!

That is very right! Totally agree there.

countingto10 Sun 06-Sep-09 10:34:39

Unfortunately I have been on the end of OW's venom so see from a different angle - very nasty phone calls, voicemails and texts, which I did not respond to (to maintain my dignity).

And yes, men/people can be easily manipulated if they are not in a good place mentally.

Both parties are to blame and sometimes the man is reflecting the OW's venom and his own guilt with his behaviour as in my case.

slimbo Sun 06-Sep-09 10:47:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macdoodle Sun 06-Sep-09 11:15:07

slimbo mine was almost exactly the same, trust me he will delay and manipulate, it is over 3 years since I found out about OW and he can still twist things, we did try for a long while (or at least I tried as it turns out he too was sleeping with both of us, and we now BOTH have babies born within 6 months of each other)!
My divorce is finally almost complete, the finances almost sorted, though it will be a long time before I am back in control, and I am just about to start the WA Freedom Programme to get the fucker out of my head for good!

Counting, I read your threads and many others like it, if you search my old ones you will see that my XH OW was also a nasty piece of work and still is, I had to see a solicitor to get her to leave me alone, I hate her with a venom, by I will NOT blame HER for my XH's disgusting appalling behaviour, he was more than capable of standing up for himself,(and me), and I know he told her some frankly outrageous lies (though I am sure he believes it) and he still does!
I think if you decide to forgive your H and try to make your marriage work, you have to blame the OW, otherwise it makes it almost impossible to trust and believe your H, I am not saying this is wrong and OW rate lower than shit in my book....BUT it nicely absolves the H of taking any blame doesnt it!

countingto10 Sun 06-Sep-09 11:54:45

Macdoodle, my DH has taken responsibility as he could have said no. This is what he finds hard to understand about himself and to accept that he doesn't like the "man in the mirror". My DH was in the throws of a breakdown at the time the OW came onto the scene - very complicated issues with business, gambling, 4DC (2 with SNs), financial problems and decided everything was my fault and I was responsible for everything and had OW agreeing with him, goading him, manipulating etc (she has since lost her job because of the affair).

Most men behave appallingly during an affair anyway - my DH finds it hard to accept that he was/is such a clinche, right down to his age (40 next month).

TBH we have both had to look at both of our behaviours during the marriage and accept both of our parts in what happened but that does not absolve him from his responsibility for the affair, both him and OW were responsible, both completely selfish and both behaved appallingly. He has accepted what he has done but atm cannot go back there to think about it too much as he feels he will breakdown completely again (he did on holiday last week) and needs to be functioning and in control to cope with business. He knows he will have to go back there at some point and confront some of his worse behaviours at that time - he was extremely vicious and nasty to me at the beginning, eventually coming to his senses about 6 weeks down the line and when OW true colours came to the fore. TBH once he stopped gambling (was in the grip of a terrible addiction) he began to see things with a clear head and the "OMG what am I doing" came into effect. I am hoping it is/was not too late as this is an extremely hard path I am choosing to take.

There are no 2 situations the same so we can only give advice on what we know - my first marriage broke down with my DS1 was 18 months (H was an alcolohic (co-dependancy anyone ????)) and DS1 was subsequently diagnosed with ASD and maybe slimbo's H hasn't even addressed his feelings towards his DD's problems and any anger he may have with that. Our DS3 was also diagnosed with ASD and during therapy DH admitted that he had really struggled with it but I was quite dismissive as I had already had one DS with it but he hadn't. I am not making excuses with Slimbo's H but maybe if you can sometimes understand where the behaviour is coming from you can deal with it better if that makes sense.

Sorry for the ramble.

slimbo Sun 06-Sep-09 14:01:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

countingto10 Sun 06-Sep-09 14:15:22

Slimbo, if it is any consolation my 1st H is completely out of my life and has been for the last 11 years. He has not seen his DS since he was 6 yrs old, never sent him a birthday card/present etc. I forged a better life for myself and my DS without his destructive imput. I managed to support myself and my DS without his help (the CSA even agreed not to pursue him because of what he was like).

What I am trying to say is that all this is crap whilst you are going through it but things will get better and you and your DD will have a better life in the end. You have to just accept that he is not the man you thought he was and to let things go and make a better life for you and your DD. It will be his loss in the end. My ex used to stalk me as well, just to add to all the other stuff he did.

Try and stay positive and calm, if he sees that his behaviour etc bothers/upsets you, then he will keep going.

Good luck.

mathanxiety Mon 07-Sep-09 00:28:23

I don't think guilt has anything to do with the behaviour. It's all anger, all the time, and blaming and vindictiveness. It's like being run over by a tank, then having the tank come back and do it all over again, several times. They do it on purpose. I really recommend a book by Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? If I hadn't read it I would still be thinking the deterioration of my 'relationship' with my ex was partly my fault. Actually, there was no real relationship at all. He was living his life in his own head, just him and a bunch of rocks and the sound of the wind whistling through. Still is. And if it hadn't been me it would have been someone else. Eventually I was able to not take it so personally.

slimbo Mon 07-Sep-09 18:50:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Mon 07-Sep-09 19:08:31

one word

guilt

he might not look guilty, but he is

he has to make you out to be the bad person, so he can live with his shitty behaviour

Overmydeadbody Mon 07-Sep-09 19:19:34

Simbo the first thing you need to do is stop trying to figure him out, stop trying to find answers to why he behaves in this way.

It is not your problem or your responsibility. You shouldn't need to "handle" him.

Just leave communication to a minimum required to sort out the house and bills, and once that is done don't have any more to do with him. Leave it up to him.

If he wants to do the right thing and visit his daughter, pay maintinance etc. then it is up to him to contact you and arrange it.

You need to move on with your life.

Good luck with it all.

Overmydeadbody Mon 07-Sep-09 19:22:35

Stop trying to work it out, just accept it as your past and move on.

Trying to work out why he is the way he is is as pointless as trying to shovel snow in a blizzard.

Not worth the emotional stress.

Move on.

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