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Do i want to carry this on???

(24 Posts)
BadgersBait Sat 05-Sep-09 17:40:13

Just joined this forum after finding it on a search engine! So hello all.

My story is very long and detailed so will try to cut it short. I am in my 20's and my husband is in his 40's. Weve been together over 2 years and i have a dd of nearly 5 and he has a son of 16 from a previous marriage.

Weve been having a few problems, due to him lying about silly little things. Then something abit more serious became involved. I am now a paranoid mess and am feeling very lonely and fed up.

At the end of june i was rushed in to hospital and ended up there for 7 weeks, i was understandably very depressed and upset. I was put on lots of hormones to try and stablise my problem. (Unexplained Dysfunctional Uterine Bleeding) When i came out i discussed with a family planning lady that she thought it might be worth DH having the snip (i had explained we had no intrest in having more children etc) She advised me to speak to my doctor and take dh along to discuss having the procedure done. He was completley unreasonable and sulked, saying it wasnt necessary etc as i have the coil and im on the pill, the problem with that is is that i have a rather large womb, and have been warned the coil could reject and it would be easy for the coil to come out (chances are i wouldnt know straight away) Im only on the pill for the next few weeks as my consultant told me to take my pill back to back for 3 months to balance out my hormones until merina has a chance to take effect on my womb. I have already had one coil that expelled itself within one week and was told as my womb is so large that that could have possibly been the reason. I 100% do not want anymore children (we decided on an abortion back in Feb when i fell pregnant) I was so upset with his lack of intrest and care of considering the snip i had to travel 150 miles in the car to my mothers house with dd to escape for the weekend. He explained that the reason he didnt want the vasectomy was because he was too scared! That made me even more angry, considering i had just gone through 2 blood transfusions, biopsy, hysteroscopy and bled like a pig being slaughtered one a week, lost 9 clots in one go that were the size of my fists and was so ill and weak i felt like death. I missed ALL OF the school summer holidays, which was devastating. My parents had my daughter for all of this time!

Since i came back home (2nd week in August) i havnt been able to do much, which has quite honestly been driving me in sane, DH has done nothing at all, unless i have asked him. Im so down. Its hard to communicate with him as he doesnt tell you how hes feeling, nor reacts to anything i try and talk about, so i either end up shouting, or just too upset and hurt to even look or talk to him.

Two weeks ago i noticed he was his old mobile phone out and had it one on various occassions, i did ask him why and he told me his other phone was crap and the other was much better etc etc. He had also told me he had been looking up on his laptop about having the snip. I was cooking in the kitchen and decided i needed to quickly look something i used his laptop, as mine was upstairs. When i clicked on the favourites link, the search history came up and it was all deleted! I was then even more suspsious but decided to keep quiet about it.

The following evening we were in bed watching television and his phone went off, he made a hughhhh noise so i asked him wats up, he then read out a joke and said he didnt know who it was from, i suggested it could be from his ex wife (who he has no communication with) as it was quite a racist joke about the welsh (i was born in wales)He said no, it wouldnt be her.I said are you going to find out who is he and he said yes, so i assumed he text them back asking (which i later found out he had) A few hours later his phone vibrated again and he didnt go to pick it up to check. Which i thought was strange, so said arnt you going to check to see if its your mystery texter, he checked the phone and it said "its a blast from the past" He explained it was probably somebody he used to work with (he was a manager of a company for 20 years)I then began to wonder why they didnt just say who they were instead of playing childish games, then they text again about an hour later and said "Do you know who it is yet sweetheart" He wouldnt of told me if i hadnt have been lying right next to him! I was hurt and upset and thought to myself this was definatley another woman. I basically got the number from his phone, and the following day i text it, i was pretending to be him and saying the number she text was an old phone he had started to use again etc, and this was his number, the woman was playing mind games, texting until late at night and was very suggestive and playing the ultimate mind games. I really wanted to know who this woman was and why was she texting my Dh. So i stupidly asking "did you work for me, or did i just shag you" she replied back saying both. I was so hurt and upset, my mind was working overdrive and i couldnt sleep very well, couldnt even think about eating. The only thing i could do was ignore him for 2 days, i couldnt put on an act or pretend, and i was far to hurt to tell him what i had been doing and what she had said. After 2 days of hell, and thinking far too much i decided to tell him (but i wimped out and text him all i knew rather than confront him( aslo thought there was more chance i would get more out of him this way) He swore he had never slept with the woman in question. Forgot to mention that i had looked through his email, hes got an automatic sign in so i didnt need to use a password, and saw he had a facebook message saying this woman in question had try to add him as a friend on facebook, which he declined and deleted the email. He swore blind he hadnt slept with this woman, although he wasnt even with me when it happened (he was with his ex wife 3 years ago when he apparently according to this woman slept with her) Made out he was a saint in the marriage, then she ran off with another man, and hadnt been with anyone else since he met me, which was 8 months later. I was so hurt, and felt like i didnt even know him that well anymore, and couldnt imagine or want a husband that was so flipant with who he slept with (bearing in mind he had taken a big knock as ex wife left him a week after his step dad died, and suppose he wanted comfort and reassrance, not for his wife to have been having an affair, and left him with his then 13 year old son.

I dont know what to believe, on the day i confronted him i told him i wanted him to ring this woman and ask what she was talking about etc etc, he tried to ring but she didnt answer. I feel if he really wants this sorted, he would of suggest to try and ring her again (hes very good with words, and is convincing to any fool)

I dont know what to do, i did say i couldnt let this rest until he had spoken to this woman infront of me. What do i do? And what do you ladies think about this. There has been alot more to this, will answer if questioned. Sorry this is long, i havnt read it back either, so probably sounds terrible! xx

nickelbabe Sat 05-Sep-09 17:50:45

it is possible that this woman is trying to wind him up.
I don't know what else to suggest on that, but I'm sorry you're going through all this confusion.

(someone else will be along to offer more pracitcal support soon... )

BadgersBait Sat 05-Sep-09 17:56:07

Also, 6 months after meeting him, his son mentioned to me one day out of the blue that my now husband and i,s relationship isnt very strong, as he doesnt tell me everything, i asked what he ment by this and he said well, i know dad hides stuff from you, you both need to talk more. He then went on, if i tell you something promise me you wont tell dad, and he said that he had been on the phone to his ex wife the night before, and his son had heard him telling her he loved her. I had to confront him on this, explaining it was important he didnt tell his son off etc and he said he did say that, but he didnt mean it that way??? Wtf. He hadnt told me she had rung, nor did he tell me he had been texting her for 6 months ( i checked a phone bill back in jan 08 as he tried to slyly put it in the outside bin thinking i hadnt noticed, and curiosity got the better of me. He was texting her one particular night, and the ammount of messages he sent was ridiculous. I was working that night, so wasnt with him. He was also texting me saying how much he loved me, how happy he was and talking about plans to get married!!! I know for a fact he doesnt respond to abbusive texts, so if she was send abuse he wouldnt have text her back, he would only have text her back if she was being nice etc (she had found out we were together novemeer 07) Do i trust him, or dont i?

Sparkletastic Sat 05-Sep-09 17:58:32

Verrrrrrrrrry long post BadgersBait and my short answer is no, don't trust him.

andnowwhat Sat 05-Sep-09 18:17:44

Dodgy texts


Telling lies---or at least not telling the trurh

Not to be trusted--sorry hmm

BadgersBait Sat 05-Sep-09 18:24:37

I am no saint, i have male friends( that i rarely see) and if i do hes there too, theres a close friend i have known since my daughter was born that i see more regularly than most, my husband doesnt like him one bit, he cant surely be jelous as my friend is absoultley nothing to look at, however he is very supportive and we are practically best friends.Theres nothing to hide at all, and he comes to the house most of the time to see me, when obviously my husband is there too, he looks after our animals when we are on holiday and checks on the house etc etc.

SheWillBeLoved Sat 05-Sep-09 18:30:01

I wouldn't. Sorry I can't be more helpful, but lets face it - even if somebody replied with "Yes, trust him" - you wouldn't, not completely. Quite hard to come back from doubting your partner this much. Was for me anyway - never did manage it. Once that seed of doubt was planted, that was the beginning of the end for us, and rightly so as he never gave up on the things I doubted him over.

BadgersBait Sat 05-Sep-09 18:32:58

I have probably forgotten to mention an important factor, the woman who was texting didnt actually say who she was???? So if i was pretending to be him why would she lie??? He explained that she fancied him for years, they were opening a new shop and 3 of them stayed in a hotel, so if he was going to sleep with her he would have done it then!???

BadgersBait Sat 05-Sep-09 18:35:29

We both believe she is the woman, who a few days before the texting started, she tried adding him on facebook, but he didnt add her, also thought that was strange.If nothing went on why didnt he add her?? I have had friend requests from people i couldnt stand, but have still added them anyway, from years ago. Lots are from school.

ginnny Sat 05-Sep-09 18:44:35

Aside from his selfish attitude to having a vasectomy (sorry to hear you were so ill btw) the stuff with the other woman could be innocent on his part, after all he declined the friend request and deleted the email, so she could just be a loony trying to stir up trouble.
The stuff with his ex wife sounds dodgy though and its very wrong to get his ds involved like that.
Do you WANT to stay with him? Do you still love him?
He doesn't sound very nice IMO.

ginnny Sat 05-Sep-09 18:47:55

The fact that he didn't add her is a good thing though isn't it hmm.
Lots of people (including me and DP) don't add people to their friends list who they didn't like/know that well.

BadgersBait Sat 05-Sep-09 18:49:09

I do love him, but whether i want to stay is something ive been thinking about for a while since this happened. He tries to blame the hormones ive been on, however, im not exactly looking for things that arnt there iyswim.

BadgersBait Sat 05-Sep-09 18:51:59

If he didnt add her, that suggests to me that something has gone on, as she worked for him for years, so why not add her, like hes added other women on facebook that hes worked with? Do you see my point?

BadgersBait Sat 05-Sep-09 18:54:04

The thing is with DH is that he has no friends (god knows why) he only really has people he worked with on facebook.

andnowwhat Sat 05-Sep-09 19:08:58

He didn't add her in case she posted somethig incriminatng....

ginnny Sat 05-Sep-09 19:17:31

Ah I see!

BadgersBait Sat 05-Sep-09 19:19:20

But why would she if nothing went on...this woman is in her late 40's after all, wouldnt expect that sort of behaviour from someone over 21 really!Lol. I know for sure i definatley wouldnt have the balls to write something incrimnating on ANYONES facebook ever.She has two children in their 20's too.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 05-Sep-09 19:23:56

Having male friends doesn't make you not a saint.

I would leave.

He sounds like a nob end.

BadgersBait Sat 05-Sep-09 19:31:31

Thanks for the advice ladies. I dont know whether i should bring this up again or just leave it, its so hard as my mood changes when ive got all this on my plate. He probably sees me as being a miserable bitch, and the fact ive had alot of hormones in my body he can use that as an excuse, however i dont really feel any different to before to be honest, and ive always been on the pill anyway. In some ways i was too scared to confront him as wanted to get as much info on the matter as i could, so if he blagged me rotten i could correct it. This is so stressful. I could just ring the woman myself, however dont want to lower myself to that level. I dont want to hear her voice.

ginnny Mon 07-Sep-09 13:51:28

I think you should take this woman out of the equation.
If he did sleep with her it was before you met anyway and it is distracting you from the real issue, which is the shocking way he treats you and the fact that you can't trust him because of his previous lies.
I would dump him on those grounds alone, but if you want to try and make it work these are the things you should focus on imo.

BadgersBait Mon 07-Sep-09 18:30:59

Well i know that, we have discussed that matter ginny, it was before he met me, we have spoken more and he has sworn he hasnt anyway, and did say that if had had salept with her he would have just told me as it would of been before he met me anyway. Its the lies that bother me. Hes is so laid back, anymore laid back and he would be in a coma. He HATES confrontation, doesnt seem to understand that he isnt making me feel good or better with stupid lies, i suppose he feels like he wants to protect me, or thinks i will go MENTAL, so he lies. Thats what he does. Its so fustrating....... Im grateful for your imput x

BadgersBait Tue 08-Sep-09 20:15:02

I am so fucking pissed off. Sorry guys. To cut an on going and long story short my friend has just come to the door to kindly ask if dh wants to park his truck on their drive (they live across the road) and have a bigger drive than what we do, and we have 2 cars, anyhow, she works in a detention centre, searching potential criminals etc. After a few minutes of talkinbg to her at the door (we are friends) dh comes from upstairs and gets involved in the convo. We were asking what she actually does at work, i knew, however dh was unsure, he thought she drove the prisioners in a riot van, i had previously told him she didnt. He then said, oh ive been to the detention centre myself, they interviewed me after 3 hours anfd let me go, i said oh yer, you have never told me that, he said yes i have. He hasnt at all. Im so pissed off.

I have heard a version of events from his son, who told me many things when me and dh first got together. His son was quite lonely at the time, spent everyweek on his own on the xbox, and didnt have friends he was able to meet up out of school hours etc. He turned to me alot at the time as dh was always working etc. Dh has never told me any version of events, and not even that his ex wife had once been sent down!! His mother told me on the phone saying "god didnt you know" I was obviously furious.

When our neighbour left i said oh was that when you were caught drink driving (it was 20 years ago) He said no, i told you its when ex wife came to steal stuff from the house and a neighbour said i beat her up! This was ovbiously after they split, but i knew nothing of this! I am so angry and have tried to explain to him that i have never hidden anything from him, and have discussed my past relationship with him (my ex tried to cause trouble between us when me and dh first got together) But im an honest open person anyway.

I feel like he is almost trying to protect his ex, i feel so hurt and like i just dont know him at all. Im very upset. I feel that it was only mentioned to this neighbour in a show offy sort of way and he then realised he had dropped himself in it!

Am i going over board with this or do you ladies think i have a right to be angry??

When it seems like things get better something else ALWAYS crops up, i am so fed up with living this "life" with him!

BadgersBait Tue 08-Sep-09 20:21:21

I makes it worse that he just lets me rant on about it, partly because i just get No Response from him at all. So why had he been so brave telling our neighbour that he had been to the detention centre then! I really dont understand this man.

BadgersBait Tue 08-Sep-09 20:22:23

Also its not as if it was years before we met! It was roughly 7 months before we met. Please help me.

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