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friendships when building life back after difficult times

(9 Posts)
hairband Sat 05-Sep-09 10:13:17

Hi - not sure what I am hoping for by posting but might feel better having got it off my chest.

Have come out of a difficult few years, had a premature baby who did not make it, followed by lots of gynae issues, and several years down the line have got a new baby.
Life is in a better place and I want to take my life forward, and keep in contact with the people who have stayed loyal; indeed frienships have swapped around.. and old friends faded and acquaintances have become friends.

There are a handful of people who were there when the chips were down.

Having to visit someone from years back today , a visit that DH has arranged, someone who let me down, and it is bringing back painful memories.

I just want to move on to pastures new/taking forward people who proved I can rely on them.

Sorry this might seem a bit rambly - have to go as baby crying!!

If anyone out there has experience of people letting them down and moving on it life without these people would be nice to hear!

xx

Mamazon Sat 05-Sep-09 10:17:59

I think you need to just concentrate on the friendships that you now know to be true.

That doesn't mean you have to ignore those who you can enjoy the company of but who are not as reliable or dependable as others.

you just learn to pick the friend you need dependant on what you need them for.

I have a friend that i will call if i need a no nonsense kick up the backside, but i wouldn't call her if i wanted a sympathetic listening ear..i'd choose a different friend.

DYSWIM?

hairband Sat 05-Sep-09 10:32:19

That's a good idea. but not sure if I can enjoy the company of people who weren't there when the chips are down... but guess no reason not to tolerate it.

Just feel that while I am pleased have hung on to marriage and been able to have a baby, my friendships are the thing that is in tatters..
But am pleased there is at least one friend who I know is that listening ear and is lovely which is nice

andnowwhat Sat 05-Sep-09 11:15:18

Why did your DH arrange this visit?

Did he not discuss it and your feelings first?

i am a bit of an unforgiving person and if l was in your shoes l would not go. Surely this old friend is aware of the state of your friendship.

phdlife Sat 05-Sep-09 11:28:08

hairband I went through a very long shitty patch and found a lot of my friends were not able to be supportive. I wanted to cut them all out of my life but dh just didn't get it - he kept saying, "we should see X and Y" and I'd be all, "why, exactly??"

A couple of years on, my life has got a lot better and (having moved countries) I no longer see these folks on a regular basis, I find I am remembering the good times more than the bad. I can now imagine running into these people at a conference (we were colleagues) and having a good old chat.

The further away you get from the bad times and the less you need people, the more you can just accept what they have to offer, iyswim. So she couldn't be there for me? oh well, others could - but she's still smart/funny/interesting, etc.

hth.

and congrats, btw. sounds like you've been through the wars, hope you are able to enjoy the peace soon.

hairband Sat 05-Sep-09 13:53:41

I was not up to seeing her children without crying, and explained that was why I had not visited, and was given the silent treatment as had caused disappointment and frustration rather than support or understanding. and rather than just let things fizzle out, invitations have been issued now DH has sent word that we have a new little one, and I am finding it very hard to get head in gear to go. Looking at what would have been if our miscarriages/losses had not been lost. It is painful and I can put myself through it when it's unconditional friendship; but I feel my heart splitting as it is bringing back memories of years back.
I wish we could stay here today, nice weather, and one of my nice friends has just rung to say she is in town and would like to pop round. She is coming in the evening now, but if we were at home could have had more time with her.
Still at least it will round off the day nicely - seeing someone who is lovely and was a true support in the difficult years.
DH arranged this as he has not had any issues with them, just lost contact, and thought I was over reacting; by the time he realised I wasn't, it would have been too rude to rearrange. There are mutual friends involved, a big circle and its better to be on civil terms with everyone.

Hey ho, will just have to get on with it. And I am looking forward to a nice chat with nice friend when she comes round. With her and my friend from yesterday, that makes two people.. so things aren't in such tatters as I thought.

travellingwilbury Sat 05-Sep-09 14:03:01

hairband , I have been in a similar situation to you , when my ds died there were a few people that just couldn't cope and didn't know what to say or how to explain themselves to me so they drifted off or in the case of family were still around but just didn't talk about mt son or changed the subject if I did .

It was unbelievably hurtful and I was devestated at the time that these people couldn't support me . But with a few yrs distance I can now see that it was their problem and as much as they were rubbish at supporting me through that time they weren't bad people .

They were just rubbish at that bit . I think if you had a close friendship before hand and could see the good in them then , then maybe it is worth trying to revisit that and seeing what you can rebuild .

I really hope it goes well for you today and you can put some of those demons to bed . I carried around a lot of anger about certain people and it is lovely to not have that with me now .

derxa Sat 12-Sep-09 17:11:45

hairband
I'm sorry for your losses in the past and am glad you have a lovely new baby. I went through bad times and people who I thought were friends were not there for me In fact one caused me harm. Try to explain to your husband how you feel although men are not very good at understanding the ups and downs of women's relationships. I don't have good advice because we moved away and I cut off most of my friendships. I am only just getting over the whole thing after 12 years.
Best of luck x

dancingqueeen Sat 12-Sep-09 21:23:38

hi, I'm sorry you've been through all this. I went through a hard few years coping with some difficult bereavements and yes, like you say, some 'friends' let you down, some don't give you the support you expected from them, and other acquaintances prove to be true friends.

some people who made my life harder during this time I have never forgiven and lost touch with.
However others, with time and a lot of soul searching from me, I have realised that maybe much as they would have liked to have supported me, they just didn't know how to and so said the wrong thing/ avoided the topic/ stayed away. I have slowly slowly accepted this/ forgiven them and now enjoy a friendship of sorts and this has helped me move on. However, those friends who truly supported me, I will be loyal to them forever, some people gave so much to be there for me, and I would do anything for them now.

sorry, bit rambling, but I hope that makes some sense. travellingwillbury put it very well I think. sometimes people do / say the wrong thing because they just can't begin to understand, but that doesn't mean they don't care.

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