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Still struggling with seperation.

(21 Posts)
mpuddleduck Fri 04-Sep-09 23:49:35

I apologise for coming on here for another moan.
dh left to give me some space in May this year and Iam still struggling with my thoughts about whether Iam doing the right thing.

My 4 dc haven't seen their dad for 7weeks and I have no idea when he next plans to see them, he has said he cant see dd2 for her bithday in 2 weeks as he is busy at work.

We have a joint account still which has some money from a house sale in it,we rented after selling, and my earnings, but he now has his own account. Iam worried that Iam using our saving money for everyday use(childrens school clothes, food etc).

I have tried talking to my Gp as I feel a bit paranoid, I don't have any friends, and have no family support. But all she could say was my house is clean so I must be coping ok, and I should think about when the children are grown and gone away, as it is nice to have a soulmate.

I'm not really sure why Iam posting all this, but feel I need to get it out and know that Mn is a good place to get honest opinions and I need a chat.

mrsboogie Sat 05-Sep-09 01:27:12

hi, I remember your story and when he left etc. You have been very strong and I'm not surprised its all taken it out of you. The GP is not being very helpful, really hmm . Sorry must go to bed now but will be back tomorrow to chat.

take care

Chocolateteapot Sat 05-Sep-09 01:33:12

I'm sorry I don't know your story . Agree that your GP is being useless. Have you been to Relate at all and if not do you think that maybe you'd benefit by going? I'm sorry you are having such a tough time, it must be very hard and confusing.

retiredlady Sat 05-Sep-09 07:57:43

I think you do need some experienced help and Chocolateteapot's idea sounds fine. Obviously you cannot continue spending money faster than it is coming in and I think you top priority should be making certain that all the money that is rightfully yours is coming in.

I saw a TV advert the other day especially intended for situations like yours. Can anybody here remember the details?

Anniegetyourgun Sat 05-Sep-09 08:05:21

I didn't see the advert, but Citizens Advice can be very good, and unlike some services, completely free.

missingtheaction Sat 05-Sep-09 08:24:50

There seem to be several things going on here
- money: have you got this properly sorted? isn't he paying any regular maintenance? you probably ought to see a solicitor
- access: he can't see dd on her birthday because he is busy at work and hasn't seen dcs for 7 weeks? wtf?
- 'are you doing the right thing' - well, on the basis of what I know so far he doesn't exactly qualify for man-of-the-year-award.

It will be easier for people to help you if you can untangle exactly what problem or problems you need help with: Relate for the relationship issues; CAB or solicitor for money; lone parents groups if you are lonely. You've got lots of different things on your plate and it must be a very difficult and confusing time for you but your GP may not be the right person to talk to.

Talk to us!

mpuddleduck Sat 05-Sep-09 08:54:23

I think that is the problem, nothing is Properly sorted. He still wants to get back together, when I told him I wanted to stay seperated he said he didnt want to rush into anything.

No he isn't paying maintenance, or adding any money to the joint account which we are both still using.

He moved to the other end of the country to stay at his parents, because he needed support, so seeing the dc does involve a couple of days travelling.

We did go to a joint councelling session back in April, but he did all the talking and it was all about him.

I guess I need to tell him again more assertively that it is over (so hard after 18 years) and try and sort all this out.

mpuddleduck Sat 05-Sep-09 16:17:22

He phoned to speak to dc this morning and I have now told him I want to seperate our finances ( I have a horrible feeling this might leave me worse off).He said he is keeping an eye on the acount to make sure there is enough in there and couldn't se a need to change thigs.
And I told him again that I don't think we could go back to living together, conversation was cut short by his parents coming home.

Level43 Sat 05-Sep-09 17:05:08

Hello i am so sorry to hear of your troubles it must be such a strain, I really think you should see a solicitor or at the very least open a bank account of your own to put your wages into - you say the joint account contains money from a house sale so half of this will be yours.

Don't take the risk of your husband taking all the money from your joint account - you may think he won't but having been through a divorce myself i know how quickly things can turn from amicable to downright nasty!

As for living at the other end of the country, does he not realise how upset and confused yours DCs will be at not seeing him for seven weeks?

You have done so well to come this far, stay strong and please consult a solicitor if you haven't already done so.

mpuddleduck Sat 05-Sep-09 17:49:00

Thank you Level43, I did open a bank account, but as yet haven't used it. I will look into having my wages directed there on Monday.

My children are amazing, dd2 is just 2 and says "where is Daddy?" when I tell her the county he is in, she appears quite happy with the explanation. ds2 (5) is quite cross and showing some signs of being upset,but is also doing really well. We are having lots of cuddles and Iam trying to pay more attention to him.
I don't think nsdh has even given their feelings a thought, it is all him,and the fact he had to leave his home, children and wife and he needed support.

Level43 Sat 05-Sep-09 18:13:49

sorry but he sounds like a completely selfish twunt sad , see a solicitor and at least get some money out of him to pay towards your expenses and don't fret about dipping into the joint account savings , remember half of it (at least)is YOURS.

Take care <<<<unmumsnetty hugs>>>>

HolyGuacamole Sat 05-Sep-09 21:08:32

Aw mpuddleduck. sad

Have been wondering about you and how you were getting on.

Listen. You are doing fab. There is no two ways about it. Look at the situ you came from to the situ you are in just now.

OK, it is not easy. However, you don't have the situ that you had before. Although times are hard, you have had time to think about your life and where you want it to go. You know you can't go back to him don't you? You have came so far that is just not an option ok. Sorry to be hard but you know that in yourself anyway.

I don't really know. Maybe now is time for you to formalise things a bit more. You can't live on your own with the children without financial support from him. In fact, I can't believe he has left you to live mostly on savings shock

You my dear have done the hardest part <applauds>. You need support to help you through your doubts and you need advice on how to get yourself financially sorted.

Your doctor sucks and I'm sorry to say it like that but it is true. Sorry, that makes me angry. It is absolute rubbish and in fact your doctor should be patting you on the back and congratulating you for getting as far as you have. <so here I go - big HUGE sincere pat on the back>.

Honestly mpuddleduck. I KNOW you find it hard to accept help and support but sometimes we have to accept it, we are only human. You need to find out how you can secure yourself financially. You have done so well and I think you need reminded of that, seriously you are an inspiration. Where you have come from and where you are now.

You have my email address if you ever want to chat, ok.

Keep posting mpuddleduck smile

mpuddleduck Sun 06-Sep-09 22:31:14

Hi HolyGuacamole,
Thank you, you are so kind, I don't like to use your email as I feel all I ever do is moan.
I'm not sure I deserve the pat on the back, in fact I'm not so sure my GP hasn't got a point, as apparently (d)h is still not drinking, a little bit, and only a little bit of me feels that maybe Iam being too hard and unforgiving.
It was our wedding anniversary last week and Iam so tired I think I needed to post here to air some thoughts again.
Level43, I don't know how to contact a solicitor, I guess I just find one in the phonebook blush

mpuddleduck Sun 06-Sep-09 22:36:20

Hi HolyGuacamole,
Thank you, you are so kind, I don't like to use your email as I feel all I ever do is moan.
I'm not sure I deserve the pat on the back, in fact I'm not so sure my GP hasn't got a point, as apparently (d)h is still not drinking, a little bit, and only a little bit of me feels that maybe Iam being too hard and unforgiving.
It was our wedding anniversary last week and Iam so tired I think I needed to post here to air some thoughts again.
Level43, I don't know how to contact a solicitor, I guess I just find one in the phonebook blush

HolyGuacamole Sun 06-Sep-09 22:59:04

Well it is up to you, the offer is there, just as long as you know smile

I think you really underestimate how far you have come, I really do.

Any doctor knowing what you have been through, would be absolutely crazy or inappropriate (and not to mention unethical) to advise you to think about your DH as a soulmate. I can honestly only assume that she doesn't know half the story.

And also, some people deal with stress by running around cleaning, keeping busy. It is all to easy to assume someone is doing ok because their house is tidy and to almost dismiss the changes that have happened in your life on that basis shock

I'm sort of hoping someone will come along and back me up on this and also to give you more support and advice on how to get your finances sorted out smile

This link may be of some use to you. I know that lots of solicitors give a free half hour session without obligation.

mpuddleduck Sun 06-Sep-09 23:20:14

It is good to know you are happy to chat HG, Thank you.

You are right, I asked to see my GP so I could talk things over with her, but she didn't really want to know, when I mentioned the children had been involved she changed the subject.

I have had a look at your link and there are a couple of firms quite close to here. I will try and phone them this week.

HolyGuacamole Mon 07-Sep-09 00:08:05

Good for you smile

Knowledge is power and you don't have to be making rash decisions or anything like that.

Once you know where you stand, what you are entitled to, what you can and cannot do, etc etc, then you are in a position where you can choose when and how you wish to move your situation on in the way that is best for you and your DC.

Wishing you all the best and do keep posting and letting us know how you get on. Good or bad, it is what we are all here for smile

mpuddleduck Tue 06-Oct-09 00:27:58

Hi, I'm back for another moan blush

I thought I was actually getting somewhere last week. H was talking splitting our finances, asking a solicitor friend to write an agreement and even mentioned paying some kind of maintenance for the children.

Part of me felt so relieved and part felt so sad. Then at the weekend he phoned and started the "I don't want to give up, I miss you and the children, I love you", so I feel we are back to where we were again.

I told him I don't think we could live together again, but I've told him before.

Now, despite the fact I feel so much better struggling as a single mum, the guilt and doubt are surfacing again,should I be trying harder to save my marriage and my family.

But, If he really missed the children that much, would he not have found a way to see them in the last 12 weeks?

SolidGhoulBrass Tue 06-Oct-09 01:00:19

Not Relate. Women's Aid. Isn't this the miserable bastard who assaulted you repeatedly in front of the children? Of course he's boohooing now about how much he misses you: he's lost his domestic appliance and punchbag.
A relationship with a violent individual is NEVER EVER EVER worth trying to save. He doesn't deserve any effort from you, concentrate on yourself and DC.

mpuddleduck Tue 06-Oct-09 22:07:15

Thank you for your reply. I know many will think I don't listen, but I have read every reply to my posts and taken them in, but time does fade the horror of that night, and it was such a rare occurance,always influenced by alcohol, which he says he has now given up.

It is the fact he has stopped drinking which makes me wonder if Iam not being fair.

Iam such a mess,I have just watched criminal justice, It has really upset me, I felt so threatened that one night, I had to leave, dd led the way out with my youngest, but maybe I overreacted?

I tried to phone my WA contact yesterday, but just got an answer phone, will try again tommorrow.

mamas12 Tue 06-Oct-09 22:18:54

Mpuddleduck it sounds like you are doing great so far and if makes you feel better this doubt is perfectly normal but only a phase.
You loved him once but that man won't ever come back and you are mourning that fact now.
It also sounds as if after getting legal advice and he is starting to be nice to you he realises that he will be worse off financially and so another reason to abuse you.
Stick to you guns and your children will thank you for being strong now and not go back.

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