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Please help.......sorry if old ground.

(11 Posts)
helpmeoutofthismess Fri 04-Sep-09 16:29:58

I've never posted on here before but did find comfort during my pregnancy getting general tips etc. At that time little did I know my world would come crashing down on me after the birth of my daughter. 2 weeks after she was born I discovered my DH was having an affair with his workmate. I found text messages from her to him that left very little to the imagination and prior to this I had been suspicious. As it turns out he was involved with her for 2 months including around the time our daughter was born. She herself was married with a 4 yr old son.
On confronting him (he was asleep and I went mental thrashing at him) he at first denied it, then after my refusal to back down, admitted he was having an affair, that he loved the OW and was leaving me (like I said my DD was 2 weeks old). I begged him to stay as I simply couldn't face coping at that time on my own, and after a month he resolved to "come back to me and commit to me forever."
The following months were hard and I spent most of them being very angry and feeling insecure as he continued to work with her every day and beyond the initial sentiment that he was back, I felt he din't make much effort to reassure me or rebuild my trust after the first month or so. Finally she left his work and I was due to return to work- something I was looking forward to to gain a sense of normality. I saw this as finally a chance to heal and regain trust in our relationship. The day before I started back and my DD started nursery for the first time, he told me he couldn't handle my "reaction" to his affair and that I had chipped away at how he felt about me every time I got upset or angry. He then told me he was leaving and 3 days later moved out. Everytime I talk to him he dismisses me and tells me that he just doesn't feel the same anymore and is unwilling to try and salvage our marriage. He insists he will be a great dad and that it is irrelevant if we live together or not. He is behaving like somebody I don't even know, certainly not like the pwerson I married 3 years ago. He denies adamantly that he still has feelings for the OW and swore on our DD's life to this effect. He says he thinks if we stay together we will be miserable, although I think we were very happy previously and did believe in our marriage.
I have managed to keep it togetehr amazingly for the last 3 weeks but now I have reached crisis point and simply cannot cope with the reality of what I have been through and what is now happening. I am soo shocked that he can be soo cruel and think nothing of the vows he made to me and the promises he made when we decided to have a baby. I just can't believe how unfair life is and I don't know how to recover from such a horrific event. From reading these posts I gather alot of you have been badly treated by the men who were supposed to love you, so please if you have any words of support, encouragement or advice then I welcome them all.
Thank you.

helpmeoutofthismess Fri 04-Sep-09 17:22:31

Anyone? Feeling pretty low and could do with some words of wisdom

ZippysMum Fri 04-Sep-09 17:26:19

Sorry you are going through this sad. No words of wisdom except to look after yourself and your DD but I am sure someone will be along soon.

StirlingTheTired Fri 04-Sep-09 17:27:53

Sorry helpme I had to break it up into paragraphs as it is very hard to read...

I've never posted on here before but did find comfort during my pregnancy getting general tips etc.

At that time little did I know my world would come crashing down on me after the birth of my daughter. 2 weeks after she was born I discovered my DH was having an affair with his workmate.

I found text messages from her to him that left very little to the imagination and prior to this I had been suspicious. As it turns out he was involved with her for 2 months including around the time our daughter was born. She herself was married with a 4 yr old son.

On confronting him (he was asleep and I went mental thrashing at him) he at first denied it, then after my refusal to back down, admitted he was having an affair, that he loved the OW and was leaving me (like I said my DD was 2 weeks old).

I begged him to stay as I simply couldn't face coping at that time on my own, and after a month he resolved to "come back to me and commit to me forever."

The following months were hard and I spent most of them being very angry and feeling insecure as he continued to work with her every day and beyond the initial sentiment that he was back, I felt he din't make much effort to reassure me or rebuild my trust after the first month or so.

Finally she left his work and I was due to return to work- something I was looking forward to to gain a sense of normality. I saw this as finally a chance to heal and regain trust in our relationship. The day before I started back and my DD started nursery for the first time, he told me he couldn't handle my "reaction" to his affair and that I had chipped away at how he felt about me every time I got upset or angry.

He then told me he was leaving and 3 days later moved out. Everytime I talk to him he dismisses me and tells me that he just doesn't feel the same anymore and is unwilling to try and salvage our marriage.

He insists he will be a great dad and that it is irrelevant if we live together or not. He is behaving like somebody I don't even know, certainly not like the pwerson I married 3 years ago. He denies adamantly that he still has feelings for the OW and swore on our DD's life to this effect.

He says he thinks if we stay together we will be miserable, although I think we were very happy previously and did believe in our marriage.

I have managed to keep it togetehr amazingly for the last 3 weeks but now I have reached crisis point and simply cannot cope with the reality of what I have been through and what is now happening.

I am soo shocked that he can be soo cruel and think nothing of the vows he made to me and the promises he made when we decided to have a baby. I just can't believe how unfair life is and I don't know how to recover from such a horrific event.

From reading these posts I gather alot of you have been badly treated by the men who were supposed to love you, so please if you have any words of support, encouragement or advice then I welcome them all.

Thank you.

mampam Fri 04-Sep-09 17:29:34

Oh helpme you sound like me 5 years ago when my exh left me for the OW.

I don't think there is anything anyone can do or say that will help your situation unfortunately you have to ride it out bit it will get better, I promise you.

Like my exh your DH sounds like a selfish callous bastard who's only feelings are for himself and himself only. My exh used to swear on DC's lives but everytime I found him to be lying.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and when your baby is so small too, but you are coping. You are amazing to be able to cope with such a small baby and another child on your own in a time of crisis. You need to get as much support as you can from family and friends, that's what I did and it really helps loads.

StirlingTheTired Fri 04-Sep-09 17:39:02

So sorry you are going through this helpme. After reading your post I am angry for you. Your H is being a complete git. He is even trying to blame YOU for his behaviour by saying he can't deal with how you have handled his affair angry

My h has done something a bit like this and I totally understand you saying that he is like a different person to the one you married. I feel just like this.

Are you going to divorce? I know it may seem early but you could see a solicitor just to get an idea of what you are entitled to etc and then let your h know what you have done. Dont let him think you are sitting around waiting for him to make a decision.

Above all, look after yourself and try and treat yourself sometimes (I know it isn't always easy with little ones but h can take them).

helpmeoutofthismess Fri 04-Sep-09 17:40:38

Thanks Stirling- like I said first time posting but will write with paragraphs in future!

Mampam I think you're right about him being selfish but for some stupid reason I still love him and want him to come back to me. Did you feel like that at first?

My head tells me to move on but my heart still wants him to love me and make it all go away and get back to how it used to be.

I'd be soo angry with him if it turns out the OW is a factor after him swearing on our DD's life- that's disgraceful and I really hope not the case.

helpmeoutofthismess Fri 04-Sep-09 17:43:17

Don't think I'm ready to think divorce yet but I have spoken to a lawyer for some general advice- think that scared him a bit.

We only have one child btw! Thank God- I don't think I could cope if we'd had more, I'm barely coping with my 7 month old..

abedelia Fri 04-Sep-09 18:13:38

Did the OW's husband know about the affair? If not it may have made it easier for them to rekindle it (which is why I told the OW's H when it happened to me).

It sounds awful, but I think the time has come to stop hoping he will come back and try to show hm you are moving on without him. Often it doesn't occur to men as selfish as this that you are actually an independent being and will not be just patiently waiting for him. Sign up to internet dating, get a friend to babysit and just give it a try. even sign up for a night course or something - the more you do, the less time you will spend thinking of him.

At this stage when they are dithering about you do think you just want them back. But believe me, once the OW is out of the picture, forgiving how they treated you during the process is the hardest part. Could you really live your life peacefully and happily with a man so selfish he'd treat you like this just when you needed him most?

I would get the preliminary divorce proceedings on the go (again to show you are not sitting about waiting for him to get over his crisis - what did he expect, for you to behave like a Stepford Wife and just say 'well honey I must have done something wrong to drive you to her, but I promise to be perfect from now on and we'll never mention it again...angry). What a twat.

helpmeoutofthismess Fri 04-Sep-09 18:33:07

I did threaten to tell her husband and their work but I didn't have the courage in the end.

Because she has a child, I thought it would be unfair on him to disrupt his life, afterall he is totally innocent.

Secondly I suspect her husband's reaction would be violent and I don't condone violence even if my OH has been a total ba**rd to me.

The awful thing is though, she's just started Primary School teacher training- can you imagine sending your DC to be taught by someone who thought nothing of having an affair with a married man while his wife was 9 months pregnant?!!

countingto10 Fri 04-Sep-09 18:58:57

Isn't it amazing that we think of the OW's DC when they have no concern for ours or their own hmm

I didn't go into my DH's OW's work place (she would have been sacked for having a relationship with a client without telling her bosses) because I was concerned she was a single mum with two DC and why should they be punished for their mother's behaviour. She had no concern for her DC or my 4 DC. Karma came and bit her in the bum as her work found out what she was up to anyway (without my help) and she lost her position.

Right now you need to take control, get all the information you need re being a single mum, all the benefits you are entitled too etc.

It's only 4 months down the line since I found out about my DH's affair - it's been thge hardest 4 months of our lives. We have been to Relate and are relationship is very much a work in progress. My DH woke up to the fact that the OW was a despicable woman who care for no one but herself. He realised what he was going to lose and has been doing all he can to put things right. I had to take control though, packed all his stuff in bin bags etc, made him collect them, I took legal advice etc.

Maybe you should think about telling OW's husband - the thing I hated was other people knowing before me, I felt such a fool. Yes, it is devastating but he does need to know what type of woman he is married too. He can then decide what to do with the information. Let your H know that you are going to tell him as well - it is part of taking control. That you are not going to lie down and take this, that he is not going to have everything his way etc.

Look after yourself first - if you don't look after yourself who is going to look after your DD ? Go and get your hair done, buy some new clothes and makeup, go out and have fun. Let him see what he is going to miss. You may just decide that he is not worthy of you and won't want him back.

Good luck.

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