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Now our marriage is 'officially' at this point what do I do?

(18 Posts)
Thenameofthegame Fri 04-Sep-09 09:57:15

Have been together for nine years and have two young dc.

Things have felt on dodgy ground for most of this year. I wouldn't say the frequency of arguments have increased, but those we have had have been awful (such as the one we had last night).

When we fall out nowadays, things get hostile and verbally nasty very quickly. It's as if there is none od the old desire to not want to hurt the other person any more, and we say horrible things to each other.

We had one such row last night (mostly in front of the dc too) sad. I insisted that we talk it through relatively calmly after they were in bed, and we did.

We both admitted that neither of us really cared enough about the other person during an argument to try to 'make it up' or even curb what we are saying to each other.

It feels as though we've lost any closeness we used to have and there is (and has been for a few months), a general undercurrent of hostility between us. Dh says he feels resentful of time I spend on the internet and pursuing my own interests. I have told him how I feel; which is esssntially that I'm not happy waiting around as it were, for him to make me happy/amuse me.

I have only recently started to feel human again - as in like person, with hobbies and a life etc, and not just 'Mum' or 'housewife'. I told him that I won't apologise for trying to live a fuller life.

He admitted that he does feel resentful (as he does nothing except go to work, come home, watch t.v), and that he would like us to do things together.

But there doesn't seem to be any impetus for us to spend time together at the moment. We both admitted as much, that the love feels like it's gone. sad

We are 'functioning' reasonably well as a family unit. Nice home, prospects, had enjoyable holidays. Our sex life isn't what it was, but still exists. Just don't know where we go from here. I personally feel I am at the point where I am hardened towards him and feel no real intimacy. I cannot for a secon imagine breaking our family up, but how do we get past this? Surely we both need more than this?

I have honestly felt close to infidelity (without bad conscience) recently and I know how awful that sounds.

I can't figure out if there's something wong with me and I am causing all of this.

mydoorisalwaysopen Fri 04-Sep-09 11:52:46

I'm sorry I'm not on here to give you advice but to say thanks for posting this - it could be me, word for word. I came on here today to ask if anyone knows how to get back to caring for each other from a place of hostility, boredom with each other, and just nothing in common bar the kids. Like you we function well as a family and have great family time together but the relationship between us is non-existent. At the weekend he told me I was the worst mistake he'd ever madeangry. I was hoping that maybe the kids getting older would help, currently ds1 is 5 and ds2 is 2.

Sorry you're in this situation, too. Also hoping that there must be more than this. Will be watching the posts with great interest.

badi Fri 04-Sep-09 12:02:01

god and that could be me too. good luck. let's hope we all manage to work something out. my h and i went away for a weekend hiking and got on brilliantly - fresh air plus tiredness meant no appetite for a huge fight.

Thenameofthegame Fri 04-Sep-09 12:24:03

I'm glad you've both posted. I think dh and I share a lot in terms of aspirations, views and some interests; but there is no passion, spark or emotion left it seems...

NicknameTaken Fri 04-Sep-09 12:52:33

I can only suggest the obvious - Relate. Or you might try working through a book like Harville Hendrix "Getting the Love you Want". It's a bit cheesy, but I like the focus on taking steps to make each other feel good rather than mournfully threshing out all the things that are wrong with the marriage.

retiredlady Fri 04-Sep-09 15:07:19

I always inclined to think that doing somethings together and somethings as individuals is crucial to a happy marriage.

The art is to get the balance between the two types of activity right. That needs good, blame free communication.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 04-Sep-09 15:23:34

Have to be quick but the following strikes me immediately:

1. it's the opposite, when you quickly go to saying things to hurt each other it's because you care enough to be mean to each other. It's easy when things are going well to temper your thoughts and behaviours. You do still care about each other, you've just lost it right now as it's buried under resentment.

2. you need a hobby together and your dh needs a hobby of his own - football, cricket, dancing for the two of you.

have to go, good luck smile

bathcat Fri 04-Sep-09 21:31:50

I'm sorry you are having such a bad time but please don't think about having an affair / infidelity to help 'fix' how you feel.

I've had problems for the last year or so with my DP. Not arguments, but he withdrew from me and the kids and became distant emotionally. I tried to fix things with him, told him I wasn't happy, thought about ways of improving things. He said things would change and they did for a week or so and then back to normal. In the end I decided that he wanted out but didn't want to be the bad guy.

Into this situation my ex appeared and I fell in love with him all over again. We had the inevitable affair. He was adamant that he wanted to leave his wife to be with me. DP found out, we agreed to separate. Ex left his wife and then promptly changed his mind and went back to her. I was dumped and told never to contact him again.

The affair made me feel great at the time and like you I had no bad conscience but the fallout has been horrific for me and DP. We are still together but he knows I am a) in love with another man and b) only there because I got dumped. For my part I am heartbroken, depressed, self esteem at rock bottom and self respect in shreds. So not exactly happy families at our place at the moment.

I know it is so, so tempting to look for a way out, to look for someone to make you feel desired and loved again and to get you out of your shite situation but it can all go so horribly wrong and make matters ten times worse.

Please just try to fix whats on your plate first. Trust me - its the best way. All the best to you.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull Fri 04-Sep-09 21:36:28

not sure if it would be any help but my friend has just had a great support from a book called "I love you but I'm not in love with you" it helped her focus on whether there was a future to staying together, and if the relationship was rebuildable.

Sorry you are in this situation, I hope you and your Dh get through this.

CarGirl Fri 04-Sep-09 21:42:56

I agree it is fixable, the books mentioned are really good so would relate be.

You need to work on doing something together and your dh getting some hobbies/ineterests of his own. Also learning how to state how you feel rather than flinging blame around is going to help.

Overmydeadbody Fri 04-Sep-09 21:50:09

Oh bathcat you poor thing sad

What a truly difficult situation you are in, I hope with time you and your DP's wounds are healed.

bathcat Fri 04-Sep-09 21:56:35

Thanks OMDB. Not looking for sympathy because I'm a big girl and I know I fucked up, but still, well, you know,thanks.

Don't want to hijack the thread, but its a work in progress. I'm still here and still breathing and the only way is up and all that. Just hope my story helps OP avoid the quick fix option. Its so not worth it.

jicky Fri 04-Sep-09 22:41:58

Were the holidays enjoyable because you actually spent time together - no TV / internet ?

A simple first step might be to set up one or two nights a week to do something as a couple - even if it just eat dinner at nicely laid table and then sit and chat, or play cards rather than off to your own screens.

DH and I had a weekly baby sitter for a while - we picked a mid week night and then that was our day, dh had to come home and we did something together - cycling, pub, cinema, bowling, out to dinner.

Make a 3rd night family movie night for disney DVD and pop corn and then nearly half the week you are doing something together.

Maybe you could then each have a night out alone with friends and suddenly the routine is switched.

Although the books and stuff are also a good idea I'm a great believer in if you act as if you are happy / interested in each other some of the acting moves over into real life.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 05-Sep-09 08:40:21

May I suggest that it's not so much acting as re-establishing good habits, to take the place of the bad habits they have both fallen into? It feels a bit false at the moment, but if there is some real affection still lurking underneath it will soon start to feel natural again. It's so easy to fall into a lazy way of relating to each other when your energy is directed towards child-rearing and work. As you say, you've made the first step in reclaiming your life as an adult who isn't just a mummy, and that isn't a bad thing. The bit you haven't addressed yet is reclaiming your lives together as partners who aren't just parents.

Thenameofthegame Mon 07-Sep-09 09:46:18

Thank you for all of these replies. We have both been making more of an effort over the last few days. I have to say it is all feeling a little forced in light of what we have said to each other, but I do feel a lot more positive.

A part of me feels very 'shaken' by the knowledge that our marriage isn't as solid as I thought. This may sound silly but I feel as if I've lost some of that security, and that my faith in dh is somehow damaged. It worries me that I don't earn any money at the moment (first time I've ever felt this)'s almost as though my survival instinct is on high alert.

I suppose I'm feeling quite trapped by this. Sory just random thoughts at the moment.

HappyWoman Mon 07-Sep-09 10:45:41

act on that feeling trapped - i know when my h had his affair i felt very trapped by it. BTW we were in a similar place to you in that the resentment had built up and neither of us could really be that bothered to try, It is not an excuse for his affair but i can see how he could be tempted to follow that path - just as you have said.

I have now returned to work and although do not earn huge amounts i would no longer feel so reliant on him.

I did a lot of work on me and how i wanted to feel - like you said you do not have to wait for him to make you happy.

Try and imagine what you want - and how you would feel if he did find someone else - would your world fall apart? I too think you have a lot of feelings for each other but just need to make sure you communicate with him.

I read a book that suggests you be the first to appologise after an arguement - sounds crazy - but if you just say 'sorry we have argued about X' You are not admiting you were wrong just saying sorry you let it esculate into a fight iyswim.
It really works as you feel you have offered the olive branch without backing down.

Try to get out of the tit for tat point scoring - treat him as you want to be treated, You will slowly feel better about yourself too.

Good luck.

Thenameofthegame Mon 07-Sep-09 13:52:42

Thanks happwoman.

I am actually starting a degree this month so this will be a huge shift in our household.

Tbh, I don't know how I'd feel if he found someone else at the moment. This is why I do feel as though this is all my doing in a way. Maybe my longing for more excitement etc has changed the way I'm behaving towards him?

ducati Mon 07-Sep-09 16:36:46

I too am in similar position. What prompted me to post was your comment that you were 'shaken' by the discovery that things were not as solid as you thought. Exactly the same thing happened to me. I thought I was so lucky to be really in love with my husband and he with me, and not in one of those perfunctory marriages you see all around. Then all of a sudden I wasn't in love, nor he with me. i think really what was going on was that we were taking each other hugely for granted and getting far too much of our emotional buzz from our jobs and the kids. Now we are in a kind of limbo land, and like you "officially" in an unhappy marriage and neither of us seem to have any particular will to do anything about it. It's a sad place to be......plse keep posting

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