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How can i make a decision? pros and cons don't work...

(17 Posts)
SevernTrentWater Tue 01-Sep-09 11:02:06

This is the biggest decision of my life; please help me!

Just want some opinions to help me make my decision, outsider perspective etc.

My partner walked out when baby was born, he didn't want a baby at all, it was unplanned, he always made his feelings clear that he wasn't ready for children before the pregnancy happened. Says he would like a relationship with me but isn't ready for big commitments and the baby ruins all that; he also says he hats little babies because they don't do anything (i.e talking). However, he's been really awful about it all to be honest, leaving me in the lurch with rent and being nasty etc even though he does say he'd like to work things out if he can and i'd be able to give baby a very good life if we were together, better than as a single mother, and of course, i still care about him even though he's shown himself to be pretty selfish in a lot of ways. He wants us to do relationship counselling and things to see if he can 'commit' but he said it 'might go either way'. (i don't like the facthe's gone out and had a total makeover either, but assures me he isn't interested in meeting other women...consciously?)

I now have a decision to move a long way away near my family or to stay here, which will be harder because i was hoping for help from family with childcare and i have to go back to work full time when baby is 8 weeks (i trust them more than childminders lol) and the fact they have cars and i don't is handy for getting ferried around, although i don't actually like it down that way/contentious relationship with one particular family member, but i can see it's the practical option for sure and i woke up thinking, yes! this is the thing to do, i guess i'm worried about staying here, messing up my career, and looking a fool to boot. But Maybe i'm wondering if i go maybe he'll miss me? Or is that foolish? It's just as likely if i go we'll lose touch/we'll meet other people and and never see each other again isn't it? I know he won't make any commitments until he's finished studying, and he says he'd rather i didn't go but it makes no difference because we won't get to see each other more than once a week (he works long long hours and to be honest i think he isn't keen on seeing me except when the baby isn't around) and he doesn't want to acknowledge the baby is his publicly anyway but might babysit for me occasionally (when convenient for his work). But if i go i'll still be up here occasionally (twice in 6 months) doing work-related training in which i can stay with him...without baby around - but is that the right approach?

However, staying's like having a relationship without being in a relationship and the no-strings status makes me uncomfortable, in fact, i HATE it. I want things back to normal!
Do i give him 6 monthes to sort his head out (apparantly he wants it to work)? Or just leave now and hope, as he says, i don't need to be here for him to make a decision? But is it out of sight out of mind?
I guess i'm a bit worried about the childcare and messing up my career becos i have noone to look after baby when she is sick etc...

Just don't know which is the best option really. If i'm leaving in 6 monthes anyway and no progress has been made...i might have just completely wasted my time.

Ideas on how to best make a decision!!

bargainhuntingbetty Tue 01-Sep-09 11:06:55

Having read your thread and IMHO I wouldnt want someone who only wanted me and didnt want their own child. Yes the baby was unplanned but she is part of both of you and you come as a package now. I personally would go and be with my family and if it all goes horribly wrong at least you have given it a go and you can always come back.

What does your head say to do??? That is what I would listen to because it will be talking sense at the moment, your heart isnt thinking straight. Hope you come to a decision soon. xx Take care xx

SevernTrentWater Tue 01-Sep-09 11:08:12

sorry shoulkd also add the thought of leaving fills me with horror, worried i'll make the wrong decision, and feel absolutly devestated at leaving this house with all my happy memories. i'd never go near family if this hadn't have happened...

oopsadaisyangel Tue 01-Sep-09 11:12:42

Agree with Bargain - it sounds like he wants to be with you but not your baby. You two are a unit now and if he can't accept that then is he really worth it?

I'd go and be close to my family and get the support I needed. If he really wants it to work for both of you he will make the effort no matter where your living. If he's happy to call it quits because your moving closer to family then is he really that commited to making it work?

warthog Tue 01-Sep-09 11:12:56

in my world, it's not good enough. if he doesn't want to be with me at least 95% and won't acknowledge his baby he has no right to be in my life. what a wanker, frankly.

i think you'd do well to move closer to family. i don't think you can factor him into your decisions.

'go to counseling and see if i can make a commitment.' what a load of crap. either he wants to be with you AND your baby or he doesn't.

don't you think you deserve better?

bargainhuntingbetty Tue 01-Sep-09 11:13:19

Well if your head is telling you that then I would make it really clear to your XP that YOU are making a life for YOU and your dd and do what you have to to make it work for you.

Do you absolutely have to go back to work?? Can benefits etc not help until you have established a routine and a relationship with your child???

If you decided to stay then it should be for your and your child only and not for xp.

Whatever you decide just remember that you are the best parent you can be and that is all your child needs. Good luck xcx

CapricaSix Tue 01-Sep-09 11:15:58

This would be a no-brainer for me, I'd leave. I found out i was pg with someone else's child just after i got together with my dp, and he behaved better than that!! I really don't think I could stand to be with someone who didn't accept my child, let alone theirs too.

AnyFucker Tue 01-Sep-09 11:17:35

Yours is the saddest post I have read today

You are not in a relationship with this utterly selfish man

He wants everything his own way. He will not publicly acknowledge the chil is his? Has had a makeover? I'm sorry but he is shagging someone else.

Might babysit occasionally? His own child? What kind of man is he? Yes, the pg was unplanned and he told you clearly that baies were not on his agenda.

So, listen to him. Leave him to his single life. You can't make him want you, you can't make him want his baby. No matter how much you want a perfect little family life, it will never happen with him. He will always use this against you, as justification for treating you badly, for doing as he sees fit, for fucking around....

And fgs, if you move away, do not "see" him just you two. That is his euphemism for a quick shag, 'cos that is all it appears you are fit for.

Dump him, before your self-esteem disappears completely down the crapper. It is not the life you planned, but you can make another one.

Nancy66 Tue 01-Sep-09 11:56:41

If he always made it clear that he didn't want children - how come you got pregnant?

Nancy66 Tue 01-Sep-09 11:56:44

If he always made it clear that he didn't want children - how come you got pregnant?

SevernTrentWater Tue 01-Sep-09 12:00:21

contraception failure unfortunately, and discovered this too late on for me to want to do anything about it.

Hobnobfanatic Tue 01-Sep-09 12:02:41

Go - be with your family and get the love and support that he has failed to give you.
You deserve better - and so does your baby.
Good luck!

missmelly Tue 01-Sep-09 13:42:21

this is a no brainer from an outsiders' perspective. You could waste a few years of your life with this man, or you could leave, start a new life and get on with it.

I think either way, you'll be a single mother eventually, why not save yourself the heartache of trying to make it work with someone who doesnt want it. If he wanted to be a family with you, he would be.

good luck, I hope it works out for you

mrsboogie Tue 01-Sep-09 14:43:54

What a useless sack of shite he must be. Why didn't he take better precautions if he so much doesn't want a baby that he is prepared to turn his back on his own flesh and blood when it has just been born and depends on him (and you) for its very survival. What a prick. He isn't a man. He's a self serving pillock and his presence in your lives serves no benefit whatsoever.

If he had any balls he would make the best of the situation and put his child's needs before his own. So, yeah, you have to let the clown go and live his made over single life and by the time he has grown a pair and realised what he has thrown away hopefully his child will have someone else to call daddy.

As far as moving goes - you sound to me like you really really don't want to go back there. So you should only do that if there is absolutely no alternative. There is a risk that you will move back and all the reasosn why you left will come crashing around your ears again.

Can you afford childcare where you currently live? It would be a mistake to sacrifice your career if you don't have to. You need to be happy and fulfilled to have the most beneficial atmosphere for your child. Could you move somewhere else entirely? I did this - I ended a relationship in London and could n't afford to remain there on my own. Going to where I came from was out of the question - it would have driven me mad. Instead I relocated to a lovely city (just me and my child) and it was the best thing I ever did.

You have to stop deluding yourself that there is any point in trying to prolong things with this man. Leave the door open for if he ever grows up enough to want to see his child (but don't bet on it) and move on. Do what is best for you and the baby. YOur destiny and your happiness is in your own hands - don't waste yourself on some selfish waster like him.

dippymummyto2boys Tue 01-Sep-09 21:14:41

Leave and don't waste any more time on him.

won't publicly acknowledge his own child? Please don't allow your child to be made to feel unwanted or unrecognised by anyone. For you and your LO you need to move away.

Portofino Tue 01-Sep-09 21:22:37

What mrsboogie said.

thesecondcoming Tue 01-Sep-09 21:26:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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