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am i right to feel so fed up now after this?

(17 Posts)
juicychops Tue 01-Sep-09 10:26:28

i have started a couple of threads lately on here. basically me and dp are going through a very rough patch. we are not seeing eachother very often and hwhen we do we are arguing over stupid stuff.

i am gettin so fed up of the relationship but because i do love him i cant just walk away.
dp really wants to make this work and wants to carry on trying to work at it

we had a bit argument sunday night when he came round. we then talked on the phone yesterday and he told me how much he loves me and wants to make it work.

last night he was meant to come and see me which i was looking forward to as we had only seen eachother once in the last 2 weeks which was sunday and we had an argument.
anyway, he ended up having to look after his kids in the end and for some reason he looked after them for the night at his ex's house. she was in bed ill.

now i trust dp 100% as i know his feelings towards his ex. he hates her very much and i know nothing would happen, but i still just dont like him being there it just makes me feel uncomfortable knowing they are under the same roof.
he rang me last night and said that he's got to look after the boys at his ex's house, then his reception went and cut me off.
he text a few mins later sayin bad reception he'll ring in a few mins.

i waited all night and heard nothing from him. after everything he said to me about making it work me told me he was at his ex's house then left me to feel uncomfortable about it all night without ringing me back on a night i was supposed to see him. they have a land line which he could of rang me on. he rang this morning for a couple of mins on his way to work and said he fell asleep. i told him i dont care, he should of made time to ring me after the phone got cut off and it was no excuse.

just feel so shit about it all now.

SheWillBeLoved Tue 01-Sep-09 10:32:35

Why can't he watch his kids at his house? hmm

juicychops Tue 01-Sep-09 11:02:49

cos his kids live 40 miles away from him and he would have had to take them back early this morning if he didn't take them back last night

SheWillBeLoved Tue 01-Sep-09 11:18:36

How old are they? And what was he doing falling asleep so soon after your failed call if he was having to watch them?

If he had access to a landline which can't lose it's signal, then to be honest he has no excuse. It's just a blatant disregard for you and your feelings. "I fell asleep" is 9/10 a load of bollocks. Why not just say "I forgot, I'm sorry".

Maybe he is that 1/10 - but I doubt it.

juicychops Tue 01-Sep-09 11:28:35

He called a while ago and appologised but i dont care. every time something goes wrong and he gives the whole i want to make this work speech something else happens and makes me think whats the point again

he had no excuse and i told him that

the kids are between 11 and 15

HolyGuacamole Tue 01-Sep-09 11:33:03

Why do you put up with this? I mean spending so much time and energy trying to get someone to reciprocate their feelings and make you feel secure?

Honestly, if it was right for you, you wouldn't have to waste this energy. You'd work out problems together and not constantly be fighting against everything, it would feel natural and not forced. What about you completely backing off and seeing what he does, and if he does nothing - there is your answer.

Do you have children with him?

Final question - is he worth it?

SheWillBeLoved Tue 01-Sep-09 11:45:39

So what is the point? What, besides loving him, is keeping you in this relationship?

Having just wasted 5 years of my life on a man who clearly had no respect for me and our relationship, I can strongly advise against you doing the same. After a while, staying with them just becomes habit, and not because you love them. You end up loving the idea of them changing just for you, more than you love them as a person.

juicychops Tue 01-Sep-09 12:22:51

we've known eachother for 8 years and been through a lot so that s why its hard to walk away. but i do feel im wasting my life. im so fed up with all aspects of my life that i dont have anything good at the moment. this relationship is meant to be the good thing.

i think i will try and step back and back off from the whole thing and see what he does.

NervousNutty Tue 01-Sep-09 12:24:34

Is this the guy who wouldn't tell his children or family about you ?? Has he yet ??

Apologies if I am thinking of the wrong person.

juicychops Tue 01-Sep-09 12:36:54

yes same person. his family have known all along but the kids still dont. he has told me know that its because he has never been 100% sure its gunna work out so has not told them for that reason

this has bothered me all through our relationship but does not bother me at all right now as there isn't any point in telling them now while we are like this

SheWillBeLoved Tue 01-Sep-09 13:01:06

That just shows how committed he isn't. Never been sure it would work? When is anyone ever sure anything will work? Doomed from the start with that attitude.

Do his kids even know of you at all?

juicychops Tue 01-Sep-09 13:12:37

dp hasn't told the kids anything. i am pretty sure they have worked it out as they are old enough and it has been a long time now

i have never felt his commitment to our relationship but i have always put it down to the fact that his only long term relationship which was with his dc's mum was 12 years long and ended up not working out

SheWillBeLoved Tue 01-Sep-09 13:25:00

How does he ever expect another relationship to work if he is constantly going to compare them to others?

8 years sad 8 years of knowing you and he still isn't sure enough of your future together to be able to tell his mature enough children about you.

You seem to be flogging a dead horse.

juicychops Tue 01-Sep-09 13:29:38

yeah i know thats how i feel! we have only been in a relationship for 3 and a half years but that is still long enough.

i dont have the guts to end things myself. especially as he has been saying he wants it to work. i just wouldn't be able to live with the fact that i ended it before we had both given up

SheWillBeLoved Tue 01-Sep-09 13:37:01

Trust me, it'll be a lot easier to live with than living with being trapped in this relationship in 10 years time, and still being kept a secret.

Besides, he seems like he already has given up. Words are just that, words. Actions are what you need. From what you're telling us - he doesn't seem to be dishing many of those out. It's all well saying you want it to work, but you can't force it to work if it just isn't.

Hope it all works out for you try not to waste too much of your time on him, you sound far too lovely to be waiting around in the hope that his words will one day mean something.

juicychops Tue 01-Sep-09 13:39:06

thanks shewillbeloved. i just hope it gets easier and somethin changes even if it is for the worst to make it easier to make a decision

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 01-Sep-09 13:40:19

You could either go to Relate or end it; the two of you are just going around in circles. You've had 8 1/2 years of him overall, that's a long time to go nowhere. Think you're wasting your time and energies on this man who actually does not deserve your consideration. This is codependency by any other term and I would suggest you also read "Women who love too much". He's not doing your self worth any good at all.

What is in this relationship for you now exactly, what keeps you there?. You may well love him but you are selling yourself short here. You don't have the guts to end it probably because you don't want to look "bad". Think as well he's only telling you he wants it to work to keep you quiet, in line and acqueiscent; he has no real interest in making this work at all otherwise he would have acted differently by now.

Re this comment as well:-
"I just wouldn't be able to live with the fact that i ended it before we had both given up"

You are trapped by your own thoughts here. Love should not be such hard work honestly.

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