Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

ex has a new partner and Im finding it very difficult...why when hes a tool??? please offer your advice

(8 Posts)
Daisypops Mon 31-Aug-09 18:24:51

my relationship with my now ex has been on and off for months. he has hinted to me this weekend that he has a new girlfriend and it has affected me in ways I didnt think it would. I dont think I love him anymore and I thought I was prepared for him getting someone new but I feel sick and its all I can think about.
Part of me pity's is new partner but part of me is extremely sad that he can move on so quickly.

Please offer me some words of wisdom if you have been thru this.. TIA

chickybabe Mon 31-Aug-09 21:37:30

Hi Daisypops. I'm right with you, I am going through this right now.

My H left me 5 weeks ago, and very quickly found someone else. No doubt its hard. We've been together for 11 years and I too feel that awful feeling of being replaced so fast.

How was your relationship? If you pity the new girlfriend, I'm guessing it wasn't too good. The way I'm looking at it now is this....I was misirable in my marriage, I dreamt of the day he would leave at times, and I think another woman was the only way he'd ever leave me alone. It doesnt stop it hurting, and its normal for it to consume your every waking moment. Now I've got to say its getting easier every day. I console myself with the fact nothing this quick can be real, and keep telling myself it doesnt take away what we had.

But its over now, I have to look at this as a new begining for me, a chance to live my life the way I want to. You WILL be ok, its so much eaiser for men to do this than women, it actually makes them weaker because they seem to be incapable of being on they're own. Be strong, tell yourself this is for the best, hold your head up high. It gets better - I promise xx

Daisypops Mon 31-Aug-09 22:13:50

Thanks chickybabe. I dont mean this to sound bad but its nice to know other people are going thru this at the same time. I hope you are ok, you sound very positive and confident and its only been weeks. That gives me hope. If you dont mind me asking, did you end it after he got another woman or did he?

Our relationship was dreadful really and its taken me months, years to end it. He lied, cheated, was violent once and is a complete failure as a father. He is the most selfish person to walk the earth. I knew we wouldnt be together forever it has just taken a long time for it to end but in a way it has made it easier for me, its like its burnt out and its all his fault. Better than a big shock split, sort of weaned me off him.
I pity his new woman because if he cant be loyal to the woman thats had his child and treat her right then he can be loyal to anyone.

I think the fact that he has now accpeted it and moved on is a shock for me as Im used to him anchoring back after me and making promises he cant keep.

I have said exactly the same as you, 'this is the next chapter and Im ready for it.'

I could not go back to the way we were, it was hideous. I told him what he had to do to make it right but he wouldnt so hes not worth it. Women have to be so mentally strong, men just seem to emotion-less!

Thanks again. Keep me posted with how you are.

Daisypops Mon 31-Aug-09 22:15:16

sorry chickybabe you have said he left and then got someone new. Like you said something so quick cannot be real. Rebound springs to mind.

chickybabe Mon 31-Aug-09 22:38:18

Daisypops, are you sure we weren't with the same man!!!! Everything you have just posted is what I have gone through, its been like reading something I could have written myself!!

Thats the thing I've struggled with so much - not that its over - because I know it should have been a long time ago - but that it is ACTUALLY over. We have been off and on for years, me only letting him back when he's said all the right things and made all the right promises - which he then breaks at the first opportunity.

What I'm most suprised with is me...I could have him back whenever I wanted - the offer is there, but I dont want it. I never thought I could ever get to that point with this man. He's been like an addiction to me, but I've finally seen him for what he is now. The spell has been broken, nota man that I would choose to be with if he wasn't the father of my DC's.

Your right btw, this has rebound written all over it, just as long as he doesnt come to my door when it all goes tits up, I couldn't care less!!

You sound a lot more together about this than you may realise. Your going to be ok. You just have to keep on coaching yourself, "this is not about me". Best piece of advice I've ever been given. The way you feel right now about a possible new girlfriend, is just a normal reaction - it doesnt hold any REAL emotion - and if he's anything like my H (sounds like H's long lost twin from your OP!) he's probably just trying to manipulate you in another way xx

Daisypops Tue 01-Sep-09 17:34:04

Chickybabe, it could well be the same man!!!

Reading you post is so familiar to me, the addiction bit and you never thinking you'd get to this point with him.

My mum said only last night that I could have himback if I wanted but I said I cant go back to how it was I was so unhappy, like you I never thought I would end the relationship or say I dont want him.

I have written a list of all the things he has done, or hasnt done and I keep getting it out, reading it and shaking my head. Its shocking but helps me remember how bad he was.

I think sometimes I am numb and oblivious to what hes done and the extent of it because when I tell people they are gobsmacked.

I feel a sense of relief that I wont have the torment of thinking hes with another woman and I wont have to put up with his secrets, lies and emotional abuse.

chickybabe Tue 01-Sep-09 21:16:53

God I hope not, couldn't handle anymore drama lol!!!

See, you are stronger than you think. The writing down thing I have done too. I dont even feel able to tell everyone everything he's done as I'm so ashamed of how far I've let it go (and I still have a bizzare need for people to still like him - any idea's on that one?) I totally aggree with what you have said about becomeing numb to it.

I've always prided myself on the fact I've "never let him affect my self esteem" and now realise I've been kidding myself for years. I find myself daydreaming about things he's done and literaly feeling sick that I could have stayed in such a destructive marriage for so long.

I know I'm banging on about myself alot in your thread, but I think it helps so much, if you know your not alone. In fact this whole forum has been an eye opener for me.

Your so right about the sense of relief too, keep hold of that feeling. I've had a situation today with H where I have reacted in a way I never thought I could - and it was so easy. I dont actually care that much anymore, and to be able to say "how you feel is no longer my concern" (I've always been his emotional support his "concsience" in his words) has given me strength I never thought I would possess.

Everyone always says "everyone has they're breaking point", I'm guessing we may both have found ours - who knew??!!! x

Daisypops Wed 02-Sep-09 20:55:56

Chickybabe I cannot express how everything you have said rings true to me. ALL of what you have said I have thought and even said out loud to myself.

Even if it was the same bloke I think we would cope! We should compare the lists we've made!!!

I am too ashamed to tell people what he has done to me. I am embarassed Ive put up with it for so long, I also think people will change their opinion of me if I tell them how gullable Ive been.

Im not sure on the need for people to like him but I do know where your coming from. Just the other day someone was slating him and it shut me up and got me thinking, in a way it upset me, maybe becuase hes my little girls dad at the end of all this I dont know?

I am definatley at the point now where I dont care! He has pushed me to my limit now and he has finally realised there is no going back.

Dont worry about going on about yourself, I am taking comfort in knowing someone else is going thru all the same feelings as me. xxx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now