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Questions about my relationship (Long sorry)

(72 Posts)
AboardtheAxiom Sun 30-Aug-09 23:07:54

My head is full of questions and I feel reluctant to explore them. That's not good is it?

Why is it that when an issue comes along between DP and me that it feels like it ends in a character assassination of what a shit girlfriend I am and how crap our relationship is, I end up crying (who wouldn't) and try really hard to be 'better'. If I were to be an attentive chatterbox who kept the house clean and tidy, who loved giving blow jobs and demanded sex everyday - what would happen then?

Would he stop taking pictures of his cock on his phone "to big himself up"? Is it my fault he feels inferior? Should I be showering him with compliments? If I complimented him or loved giving oral or had a higher sex drive would he never have gone on those websites posting pictures of himself?

If I did everything his way - putting the washing up bowl the 'right way' round in the sink for example, would he be irritated by some other annoying thing I do? Maybe these little things wouldn't irritate him if he wasn't sexually frustrated.

Is he drinking more? He says no I am not so sure. It was the one and only issue I tentatively raised during our most recent ?discussion? and he decided to "disregard it". Will he always have money to spend on lager but not to pay off his debts/ take his family for a day out / pay towards a holiday or household project?

Am I boring? Lazy? Unattractive?

Is that why he seems to prefer other people?s company rather than being in the house with just me and DS? I feel sometimes that he is very uncomfortable in himself, and instead shifts the focus onto me.

Sometimes we are happy, and get along fine - or so I think, and then we have another row or revelation and it makes me wonder if there is ever a moment where we are both happy with each other. Maybe we can?t make each other happy. I really want to think that we can.

I am also worried I may have some aspergers symptoms. I don't like giving eye contact, I hate social events and situations, struggle with conversations and friendships, and am anxious all the time.

Have namechanged - if you 'recognise' me please don't out my usual name. Our latest discussion was on Friday night after seeing a picture on his phone of himself, he wasshowing me some innocent pics and scrowled the wrong way.

Is it me? sad

Writing all those questions down was so hard. I am scared to post this but know I can't ignore it and brush over how upset I was Friday night - saturday morning.

thisisyesterday Sun 30-Aug-09 23:09:26

he sounds like a twat and it definitely isn't you.
you deserve better.

SheWillBeLoved Sun 30-Aug-09 23:17:21

Agree with above. Having dealt with a partner who was all too fond of posting pictures of himself online for an ego boost - know that nothing you ever do will be enough to stop that. It's nice to think that making more of an effort with everything you mentioned which he considers 'wrong' will stop his behaviour, but he'll be a prize twat regardless. No amount of chatter and blow jobs in a tidy house is enough for men like that.

mathanxiety Sun 30-Aug-09 23:18:09

No it is not you. You will never be 'good enough'. He is a self centered, emotionally abusive git. Leave.

AboardtheAxiom Sun 30-Aug-09 23:22:34

I think I am now at a stage where I truely think I am a crap girlfriend. sad

I am not working at the moment (to do with DS and a health issue of mine) and that seems to mean I should be making more of an effort whereas TBH I am findig it harder now I am not working as no structure to day with DS being off and us not needing to be up and out I am even less motivated.

AboardtheAxiom Sun 30-Aug-09 23:24:13

shewillbeloved - never spoken to anyone else whose partner has done that, did your ex blame you too?

mathanxiety - what do you mean by emotionally abusive?

squilly Sun 30-Aug-09 23:28:04

You sound like you're depressed and who wouldn't be with a bf like yours? I'm sorry, but he's not right for you. I don't think men should worship the women they're with, but they should respect them.

He's trying to blame you for his insecurities and his lack of manliness. He is trying to make you responsible for keeping the house clean when he's clearly not helping out.

You have a health issue which prevents you from working. You have a child, presumably quite a young child? He does what to help you exactly??

Relationships are about mutual support, trust and love. I don't see much of that in the posts you've done.

You are NOT a crap girlfriend. There is no such thing as a crap girlfriend. There are relationships that work and relationships that don't.

You are not meeting your bf's ludicrous unrealistic specific needs. He is clearly not meeting yours as you feel crap. This not your doing, it's his.

Sorry for waffling, but this makes me so angry. You are worth more than this and he is making you feel worthless.

I hope you find the strength to stand up to him and make him realise that he is to blame for the situation you both find yourselves in.

AboardtheAxiom Sun 30-Aug-09 23:32:25

Yes I am depressed, have been trying not to go back into it but I am. Came off ADs in winter as felt numb all the time emotionally and was hoping I wouldn't have to go back on them.

Work situation - DS can't be in day care (due to special needs) and will be going to school this term, he may well not settle in so want to be around for that. I have an operation scheduled for december and will be laid up afterwards for a while. Plan was would job hunt in the new year when all is well. Have always worked and it is taking some adjusting to.

madeupsurname Sun 30-Aug-09 23:34:11

"I don't like giving eye contact, I hate social events and situations, struggle with conversations and friendships, and am anxious all the time."

I am not surprised, you are living with a man who is systematically undermining your confidence.

Picking on petty things like the washing up bowl sounds like classic abusive behaviour to me.

It is NOT you, and nothing you could do would make this a good relationship.

You definitely deserve better than this, and I'm sorry you are having to go through this. There's lots of support on MN. Take care.

Niecie Sun 30-Aug-09 23:34:36

Sorry but your DP is an idiot. He is emotionally abusive and has destroyed your self esteem in the process. No wonder you don't like social situations - he has made you so unsure of yourself.

Emotional abuse is about hurting you, not physically but by playing mind games with you, making you feel bad and making you think you are somehow to blame for everything. He makes himself feel like the big man by making you feel small. Deep down he is an inadequate, insecure little boy who needs you more than you need him.

It is not you.

As for having Aspergers - have you always been the way you are now or has he knocked so much spirit out of you that you have become that way?

AboardtheAxiom Sun 30-Aug-09 23:44:00

I am so surprised about how you have all been so supportive of me - I genuinely expected people to say I should put more effort in or do things differently.

I would say
"I don't like giving eye contact, I hate social events and situations, struggle with conversations and friendships, and am anxious all the time."
was less pre this relationship but still there if that makes sense?
DS has aspergers and the more I read up on it the more little things I read that I relate to - though I don't think I am as outwardly quirky as DS. Maybe it is just parental guilt, worrying I 'gave him it'. No one has ever said or insinuated this but it is a niggle I have.

"Knocked the spirit out of you" - that sums up how I feel I think - I feel empty and worn out, drab and dull.

DP has admitted he acts like the class clown or life and soul of the party as deep down he is insecure and feels inferior.

We often say things at the same time or will vocalise what the other is thinking, just wish I could say loud and proud that we were a happy couple. sad

dizietsma Sun 30-Aug-09 23:49:38

Emotional Abuse

mathanxiety Sun 30-Aug-09 23:56:32

By emotionally abusive, I mean his criticism of you. You said he called you a shit girlfriend, apparently he is pressuring you to give him more oral than you want to, he is taking pics of his cock and posting them on the web despite the fact that you object to this, he spends 'his' money on booze but not on what needs to be paid for, there is apparently a right way to put the wash up bowl in the sink (his way of course, and your way is therefore the wrong way), and you are crying because he blames you for the bad relationship -- this is all emotional abuse. The reason you are anxious all the time is because he is making you doubt yourself even to the point of wondering if you have aspergers. Please contact womens aid and get some counseling for yourself, because all the things you describe about not making eye contact, not being able to engage in conversations and friendships, are what happens to women when all their energy is taken up trying to please and appease an abuser. There is nothing wrong with you. He, on the other hand, has massive problems, which you cannot fix.

AboardtheAxiom Mon 31-Aug-09 00:03:49

He hasn't used the words 'shit girlfriend', but is very quick to list my 'faults'. He doesn't say things out loud, it is usually more his actions or inaction that leave me feeling sad.

Maybe talking to someone would help but surely they will be busy with people in urgent need?. Posting this tonight was so scary (emotionally) - I am MN'ing while he is out back playing darts with his brothers as apparently all I do is sit happily on my computer all the time, so not felt comfortable turning it on until now. hmm

We are off camping tomorrow so I will be putting my happy camper face on and after tonigt won't be back online until Thursday.

Niecie Mon 31-Aug-09 00:05:34

I have a DS with AS too so I know exactly what you mean about feeling to blame for his condition. I see traits in DH and also my father too. Mind you I see them everywhere now I know what they are!

However, we both know that not making eye contact and being uneasy in social situations can be as much about being shy than having AS and AS is more complex than that.

Besides, from what you have said, your DP is just as likely to have traits. His behaviour sounds like he doesn't understand appropriate behaviour and he certainly seems very self centred and lacking in understanding of others.

Please don't beat yourself up about the AS - this situation and your DS's condition are not your fault.

If your DP has admitted that he feels inadequate and has low self esteem I wonder if getting some counselling together might be worthwhile. I wouldn't suggest it if he hadn't admitted it - there would be no point - but if he has at least conceded the problem is partly his then maybe it is worth it. At least you would have tried.

AboardtheAxiom Mon 31-Aug-09 00:22:39

Thanks for relpying to me everyone tonight, I need to got to bed but will try to come back on in the morning if I get chance.

mathanxiety Mon 31-Aug-09 01:15:07

I think you are in urgent need. He is assassinating your character whenever an issue comes up and he is very quick to list your 'faults'? You have to sneak to use the computer because he disapproves (?), you feel you have brought up problems like his drinking 'tentatively' and he has disregarded your concerns? Your local womens aid will probably be busy, yes, but they will have time for you. Hope your camping break will go well. Spend some time thinking about you, and please try not to make excuses for him, minimise your unhappiness, or wonder if you're worth the bother for the womens aid to help you. They are not just there for women who turn up with broken bones, chased down the street by a maniac with a meat cleaver. They, more than any other group, want to make sure things never get to that point.

AboardtheAxiom Mon 31-Aug-09 09:44:58

Hi am just popping back on quickly as need to load the car up. Reading this thread feels so surreal, like you are all talking about someone else's relationship not mine.

I don't know how I can explain it well but when we have these talks (usually when I have found him doing something like the phone pics or has let me down in someway), he comes across as the hard done to party constantly putting up with me and wishing 'things' (things I do/don't do), were better. He sounds reasonable and caring yet at the same time I know he isn't! He even talked about if I/we can't be happy he will put the house up for sale and we will go our seperate ways. (This was said in a very relutant sad - it's up to you kind of way).

I did an advanced search last night to find other posts I have written and put them in my watch list to read through. May post links when I get back from camping if I feel up to it. sad

AboardtheAxiom Mon 31-Aug-09 09:46:15

Forgot to say have told him am leaving before even viewed a house for me and ds and didn't go through with it.

SheWillBeLoved Mon 31-Aug-09 09:59:21

Aboard - he didn't blame me for what he had done (swinging/dating websites, messaging women offering lifts to swingers clubs, sending them pictures of his bits etc), it was purely for attention, but he did try and flip the situation on it's head by saying that he couldn't trust me as I had snooped. hmm

I put up with it for over 5 years. He never changed after countless promises. I just couldn't do it any more once our DD was here - we deserve better.

Really hope you have the strength to not put up with his crap for much longer.

AboardtheAxiom Mon 31-Aug-09 10:06:48

Thanks shewillbeloved - mine has posted on a ottaging website, and on an amauteur porn webiste, inciting compliments from men for attention and an ego boost. He seems to like taking pictures of himself doing various things too. Obviously if I had been a more attentive, complimentary, sexually adventurous partner this wouldn't have happened. hmm sad

Will come back on on Thursday have some thinking to do . . . .

SheWillBeLoved Mon 31-Aug-09 10:48:26

It would have happened. Don't let him tell you otherwise. Him saying it wouldn't have happened is just his way of shifting the blame onto you and playing the hard done by victim. He's not the victim in this, you and your son are.

Enjoy your break x

AboardtheAxiom Fri 04-Sep-09 11:15:29

Well back from camping and still not any clearer really in my thoughts.

There are things he does I am unhappy with, and can often visualise living with DS somewhere else, but then at other times I can't imagine us being apart like last night when we were sat together watching a movie.

I do think he drinks too much though (he has claimed this will settle when he starts his new job on days next week so will watch and see...) and he can be controlling and manipulative.

While we were away I got annoyed at the money I was spending unqeustioningly and no one seemed thankful for (I paid for camping fees, mc donalds on way there, ice creams and drinks at seaside, and so on) DP paid for car parking at seaside and arcades. (Had DPs older boys with us too). Anyway I piped up about it and he said that the money going into my two bank accounts was household money. (?) He pays the mortgage and I pay all other bills out of my accounts from the benefits I get paid in there. He also said I shouldn't be spending frivoulously (wanted to get a second car seat for second car instead of having to switch them round all the time) if I was wanting to save up to have the living room done.

He has been quite quiet and has had his head in a book which is a bit unsettling as that is usually me!

Feel in such a muddle and don't know what to think or what I want anymore. Have looked at emotional abuse and feel like although some of it fits other bits he has never done.

I still feel angry andupset about him saying the houe is always a tip, and I keep swaying between thinking 'shit I better have a whip round and sort it' and 'how fucking dare he, I do my best'. sad

NicknameTaken Fri 04-Sep-09 11:48:33

Aboard, it's absolutely bog-standard, classic abuser behaviour to play the victim. They are so clear in their own minds that you are to blame that their certainty can convince you. My x blames me for keeping a log of all the bad stuff he did. It was fine for him to do it, but apparently deeply disloyal of me to remember it.

I strongly suggest keeping a record of what he does. It will help you get things straight in your own mind. I found it genuinely difficult to remember abusive incidents - they kept shape-shifting and sliding out of my brain. It's a process of gaining clarity. If you can get some access to individual counselling, I think it would help you a lot.

You say: "Have looked at emotional abuse and feel like although some of it fits other bits he has never done." It would be quite rare for one person to do every single thing on the list. It doesn't mean he's not an abuser.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 04-Sep-09 12:00:21

Hi ATA,

re your comment:-

"I do think he drinks too much though (he has claimed this will settle when he starts his new job on days next week so will watch and see...) and he can be controlling and manipulative".

So he can be controlling and manipulative - there is no CAN be in this - he IS controlling and thus abusive towards you and by turn your son. He has done a real fine job on you to get you to this low place where you are now. You're even been wondering if you have AS. He has put you there by his very actions. Its abuse and its insidious in its onset. And it will only get worse for you the more he tightens the emotional screws on you.

You are but his possession to him in a gilded cage of his own making, you mean nothing more than that. Everything, yes everything, that you have written are words written by abused women.

Joint counselling in such situations is a no go; no counsellor worth their salt would counsel a couple in which one is being abused besides which counselling can further justify the abuse in their own minds. You need counselling on your own and without him in attendance. You are an urgent case and you must act.

If you think he drinks too much you're likely correct in that as well. This sort always say that they will change and I note he says this will settle when he starts his new job - I tell you now it will not.

There can be "good" times within an abusive relationship (you mention watching a film together; bet the film was his choice) but these are really very few and far between. The "good" times too will lessen. This is all part of a cycle and he will soon revert back to type. If men like this showed such abusive behaviour from the start no woman would want to date them. Abuse like this creeps up on you.

This is no relationship to be bringing your son up in either. What are you both teaching him here?. You're both being emotionally harmed by this man and it will continue happening unless you escape him. You need to make plans to leave and I never say that at all lightly. Get your own family and friends on side; start talking. Womens Aid are very helpful and please do talk to them as well. I will put up their details for you.


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