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How can I convince pyscho woman and my DH that her husband and I did not have an affair?

(24 Posts)
PetrifiedandStupid Sun 30-Aug-09 12:16:25

For a few years DH and I were in a very unhappy marriage. I worked abroad a lot and had started a friendship with a male colleague. I say friendship because it was just that. But we were very close and I understand that some colleagues were very suspicious of our relationship. Over a year ago my DH confronted me about the relationship as he had been reading text messages, emails of mine etc. The tone of the messages obviously confirmed to him that we were close and despite my assurances, he remained suspicious for some time. Tbh, I think he still is. Anyway, it was enough of a kick up the backside for both of us to realise our relationship was in a big mess and we worked on it and now it's great. In fact, I'm now 21 wks pg with our 3rd child. So what's wrong?...

The wife of the male colleague I was friendly with has apparently found an old phone of his with text messages which apparently have convinced her we were having an affair! She has now turned into psycho from hell, is endlessly phoning me, texting me, threatening to tell my DH all the gory details etc., and yet forgives her DH, who I happen to have heard IS having an affair with another female colleague. Whether the wife knows my DH name, contact details etc I don't know and also quite what she can tell him, I don't know but I am petrified. My DH I know is still suspicious because at the end of the day it was just my word that it was a close friendship. I am sick with fear that she is going to contact my DH, rake up all the upset again and he is going to doubt me. I did not have an affair (or even a fling) and yet I cannot convince the lady that is the case and feel as though I am sneaking around behind my DH to keep the upset from starting all over again. I don't want to tell him about her contacting me, I just want it all to disappear, but if she does contact him - it then appears that I've been lying to my DH. The male colleague and his wife live abroad btw. What to do?

Sparkletastic Sun 30-Aug-09 12:27:00

I really think you should tell your DH - if he does find out via this woman it will fuel his suspicion. You need to tell him exactly what is happening and reiterate nothing happened in the past.

trefusis Sun 30-Aug-09 12:29:13

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Curiousmama Sun 30-Aug-09 12:29:33

Agree be honest. What proof does she have if the texts etc... are innocent?

Would you be brave enough to arrange a meeting with him and her to clear the air and maybe make him squirm a bit? He's the one in the wrong right now if he's having an affair.

trefusis Sun 30-Aug-09 12:32:45

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Curiousmama Sun 30-Aug-09 12:34:30

sorry just saw they're abroad, difficult then.

junglist1 Sun 30-Aug-09 12:34:43

If she has instincts her H is having a bit on the side now she may have attributed it to you. Speak to your H

CyradisTheSeer Sun 30-Aug-09 12:52:36

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trefusis Sun 30-Aug-09 12:52:45

Message withdrawn

diddl Sun 30-Aug-09 12:54:08

Why have you sent texts that could be in any way construed as you having an affair?

Your hubby thought they meant an affair, so does the other man´s wife!

You need to tell your husband about her.

PetrifiedandStupid Sun 30-Aug-09 14:29:10

Thanks everyone. To give a bit more info, when I was working abroad, I stayed in a 3 bed company flat, the other 2 rooms were occupied on a part-time visiting basis by the male colleague in question, plus a further male colleague. All 3 of us were good mates. One of the colleagues was v short, on the large side and the other one wasn't. Therefore the assumption was something had to be happening with the "better looking" male!

Messages I sent to the "shorter, larger male" were similar to those I sent to the other - ie "really looking forward to seeing you next week", "can't wait to get over to you guys and away from this madhouse, DH driving me mad" (always signed off with a "x", as I do with all of my girlfriends too) - but was overlooked because of the physical attributes.

I guess I know I do have to speak to DH about this - and it really helped posting this, putting it in writing etc. I'm just dreading raising it all again. I know that having the close friendship (with both of the guys actually) raised a lot of suspicions and I'm embarrassed about it now - I should have seen how it was portrayed. Agree about the comments on "psycho" etc - reason I use this phrase is because thats how the two guys referred to the wife - for a whole bunch of other reasons. However, that's neither here nor there. She obviously has reason to doubt her husbands behaviour and I think because she has only just found out about us sharing living arrangements previously and the friendly texts - she has come to the same conclusion my husband did. That being said, I just wish she and her husband would deal with it together rather than involving me and my husband sad blush.

SheWillBeLoved Sun 30-Aug-09 14:40:48

Does she know that your husband already knows about the texts? Or does she assume that as she didn't know, your husband won't know? Don't see what 'gory details' she can see be threatening to tell your DH about, if it really was all innocent. 'Gory' isn't a term you would use to describe an example text which you have just given.

Tell your DH, be honest, explain you weren't sure whether to tell him what's going on as you were hoping it would just go away, but you wanted to be completely honest with him. Being honest about what is happening now will score points when it comes to him believing her, or you, this time. Don't give him any reason to doubt you by hiding this from him.

PetrifiedandStupid Sun 30-Aug-09 14:44:01

Thanks SheWillbe. I told her that my husband knows everything there is to know, she replied "good, it will be much easier then when I fill him in on all the gory details". That's why I'm freaked. When I asked what "gory details", she replied that she doesn't want to correspond with me anymore. There really arent any gory details, but I worry in case shes about to make some up. Why she would do that, I don't know - i guess I'm feeling quite paranoid now.

Everyone is right though, I do need to talk to my husband about this.

bobs Sun 30-Aug-09 14:50:41

I would be getting annoyed by now if I were you - you did nothing wrong and there it should be perfectly ok for you to have a friendship with another guy. It's insecurity that brings problems and it sounds like the other woman, rightly so, has a massive dose of it. I would almost, but perhaps not quite, be tempted to contact the other guy and tell him that if he doesn't convince his wife of the truth of his non-affair with you, you'll tell her of the affair he IS having. She probably knows he can't be trusted in this direction, and you're the only "other woman" whose details she's got!
More reasonably, you should tell yr DH, or it would seem like you have something to hide, and then the four of you should meet up to "clear the air" - let us know what happens...and good luck smile

SheWillBeLoved Sun 30-Aug-09 14:53:21

Is it possible that your male friend has twisted things to make him appear more innocent to his wife, and you not so innocent? Men in this situation will do/say almost anything to get off the hook and make it go away.

PetrifiedandStupid Sun 30-Aug-09 14:57:42

Bobs - I've done the getting annoyed thing too. Indeed, when I received the first telephone call, I was on holiday. When I returned, I called her husband and asked what the hell was going on. He told me that it had all calmed down, that I shouldn't bother calling his wife back, as she had asked me to do, it was between the 2 of them and she understood that etc. I thought it had all died down until yesterday morning when I received a text message from her saying that she had given me ample opportunity to call her to discuss the details of "my sleeping with her husband" but instead I chose to speak to her husband, so now she would speak to mine. I don't really want to "out" her husband's other affair as it isn't my business and also, Im going on office gossip rather than pure fact, so in reality, I could be spreading the type of rumour that seems to have me in this mess!

bobs Sun 30-Aug-09 16:09:38

Text her back, tell her what her husband said any therefore why you didn't text before and tell her it's between her and her husband

diddl Sun 30-Aug-09 16:32:35

What´s the problem if she does speak to your husband?
What´s she going to tell him that he doesn´t know?

PetrifiedandStupid Sun 30-Aug-09 16:36:27

Bobs - exactly what I did text back yesterday! Diddl - nothing that I can think of! But, it really was a huge thing between my husband and I for several months and now everything is good, I'm pg with our 3rd child and I just really really dont want to have to deal with it - or any reaction he may have, which is likely not to be great, regardless that we sorted everything out.

Dizzyclarebear Sun 30-Aug-09 16:45:18

do you know, to me it sounds like she's got some details of his actual affair he's having now (hotel bills or the like) and gone searching for details of who it could be, found your old text messages and put two and two together. That might well be the 'gory details' she's refering too...

Might be worth having a chat with your friend about the rumours, and that your marriage is getting dragged into his mess.

diddl Sun 30-Aug-09 16:49:59

I understand you not wanting it draggéd up again.
But I think you need to warn your husband that she might call.

I also assume that you haven´t seen this man for a long time-he is abroad and you aren´t anymore?
So if your husband believes that you didn´t have an affair, I don´t see why anything that she might say would change that.

PetrifiedandStupid Sun 30-Aug-09 16:59:00

Dizzy - I did wonder about this, she obviously suspected something to find the old text messages - my husband certainly suspected I was having an affair when he found my messages as our marriage was so awful, I was clearly and visibly pleased to be leaving him each time I went away! When I spoke to the guy last week to find out what on earth was going on for me to be getting the phone calls from his wife, he said that she'd found these messages, that she believed we'd slept together and tbh, I felt, although he didn't say, that he just couldn't be bothered to argue it. I didn't think too much about it at the time as I really thought he'd sorted it with his wife and that it had gone away. It's only the last day that my mind has been going all over the place. Because I spoke to her husband instead of her, the wife has gone a little ballistic, I'm therefore reticent about calling him again. Also, I'd really hate to bring up the suspected affair he's having now in case the office gossip is wrong and I'd be doing what everyone else has been doing with our friendship - jumping to the wrong conclusions!

On the other hand - I have also wondered whether he is happy to take the wrap on "having an affair with me" to keep the current one silent?

I guess I won't ever know. I do know that I don't necessarily want to throw stones elsewhere, especially without proof (it's just not my business), I want to bury my head in the sand, keep some level of dignity and decorum, NEVER have a friendship with a member of the opposite sex again, and just pray that it all goes away, which of course, it probably won't!

Dizzyclarebear Sun 30-Aug-09 17:16:02

Oh, I'd just ask your friend, but then I'm a bit blunt like that. Besides, if he's not and everyone thinks he is, he might be grateful for the warning.

PetrifiedandStupid Sun 30-Aug-09 18:05:41

Dizzy - yes, think I may do that tomorrow. After all, with all this going on, there really is nothing to lose, is there. I will also talk to DH tomorrow (he's out today and drinking so definitely NOT a good day to raise it).

Goodness, I'm so nervous about it. How ridiculous - FFS.

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