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dont know what to do

(15 Posts)
vcr85 Sat 29-Aug-09 22:38:43

I have name changed as Iv figured out that I can search my usual nickname and all my mn posts comes up and dont want this to.
I have no one to talk to and right now I dont know what to do.

Backgroud - dd1 is 2 and dd2 is 4mo. After dd2 born things between DH and I were tricky - I accused him of having an affair with his pals wife which he swore was not true. Big arguments and he was going to walk out after saying he wasnt in love with me. Things worked out and we got on better. I asked him not to talk to this woman and he said ok but that him and her were pissed as me and her husband had both thought they were having an affair (I think iv been naive)
Week later she emails me saying nothing going on - hubby and I have another fight and he says he#s leaving for good. We talk, wwork things out and 9 weeks later things were going ok. We were happy and are going on holiday on monday.

Half an hour ago his phone went and he was supposed to be going out with a pal for a drive (I know the friend and he does this sometimes) he goes into the bedroom to talk. We were in the middle of watching a movie so after a few minutes I go through and the other person is talking and he says he will be a minute. It was a female voice and Im sure it was the best pals wife (they not friends anymore btw). I know I shouldn't have but I shut the door a little and listened in. I heard him talk a little and then say 'I wouldnt if I didnt care' some other things then 'I wont be black mailed' then he hangs up and catches me at the door. I know and am 100% it was a woman on the phone. Ok might not have been her but I know it was female. He swears it was the pal he was supposed to be going out with and I know he's lying.

He got mad that I was snooping and that I didnt trust him but I dont think I do. I asked him to tell me the truth and he said he was telling the truth. I never said it was her but just asked who she was. I asked him to show me his friends name on the caller id and he wouldnt. He deleted it. IIm being so stupid arent I? there is something going on isnt there?

He's away out and says he's going to get his friend to pick him up. I told him I knew what I heard and I know it wasnt the pal on the phone.

As he was leaving he tried to cuddle me and told me he loved me - when ever he is mad he never does this. I know he's lying.

What do I do? Do I let him in when he comes hoem? Do I leave when he comes home? Do I wake the kids and take them to my mums (5 min drive)
Do I wait till he gets in a talk? I really dont know what to do

Im so sorry its long and hope you got to the bottom of it.

I think I need to face reality.

cheapskatemum Sat 29-Aug-09 22:47:29

He's lying if he deleted the number on his call log so you couldn't confirm their identity. Could you go on holiday and talk about it all then, as it wouldn't all be "in the heat of the moment". You could be rational. Use any time tomorrow to decide what YOU want from the relationship.

vcr85 Sat 29-Aug-09 22:51:53

The thing is I was so calm - I can sometimes get angry and shouty but I wasnt and even now Im just sitting here reading stupid forums - I feel so scared to think about whats going to happen - that he;s been lying and what he's been doing. I love him and cant bear to think of being with out him. But my dad cheated on my mum and I always said (which he knew)if anyone hurt me like that they would be gone. But its not as simple as that is it?

I dont think I could go on holiday - its a long drive that I have to do and I just dont think I could - not without getting some answers first.

SheWillBeLoved Sat 29-Aug-09 23:10:59

Nobody can come on here and tell you that it sounds good from what you've said. I think it's time to lay the cards on the table, and tell him he can either continue to lie to you and destroy his family, or he can be honest with you an try and salvage it - if that's what you want of course.

Deleting call logs is not something you do if you have nothing to hide. And saying what he said is not something you say when you aren't up to something you shouldn't be.

Do have a talk with him. Sleep on it if you need to. Leave him a pillow on the sofa so that he gets the hint not to come to bed, and use the space for tonight to think about what you want to do.

MissGreatBritain Sat 29-Aug-09 23:23:03

I would leave him a note for when he gets in saying "I know what I heard, and it was definitely a female voice on the phone. Please don't insult my intelligence by lying to me any more. I will talk to you tomorrow about this and I want you to tell me the truth, however bad it is, as this will be the only way we can sort this out." Try to remain calm and in control. If he does confess than at least you will know. However hard it is to leave/throw him out you know that you have to do it. Life is hard when you have young children, and there's every chance that you can work things out after a bit of time apart. Separation doesn't necessarily mean divorce. Best of luck x

vcr85 Sun 30-Aug-09 10:46:13

Thank you for the replies.

He came home after I sent that reply and headed to the bedroom to pack a bag. I asked him why and he said 'just because'. This went on for about two minutes until I said - 'your leaving because youv been caught havent you?'

ANd he said yes. He admitted it all. It was with her and I was right. I knew all along and the bastard made me think it was all in my head.

He's still here. He says its over which I belive. She was trying to black mail him to leave me and the girls which he wont do.

So confused.

itshitme Sun 30-Aug-09 11:03:40

Poor you
At least He finally admitted it, will He sit down and talk to you?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

MissGreatBritain Sun 30-Aug-09 14:51:23

What a horrible thing to happen, but at least now you know the truth, which is a good start. Hope you manage to talk today and manage to sort something out. Remember we're all here if you need us smile

SheWillBeLoved Sun 30-Aug-09 15:01:08

My heart sank for you when I read your update sad So sorry, but at least the feckless git has finally admitted everything.

Be good to yourself. Take the kids and stay with your mum for a few days if it's at all possible. Better still, ask him to leave until you know where you want to go from here. Sending lots of strength your way x

vcr85 Sun 30-Aug-09 17:24:20

Still numb and going through the motions right now. Fear that Im going to explode soon but trying to be calm.

This is exactly why I never wanted to get married or settle down. I never follow my gut and it seems Im always right.

Thank you for the kind words. Will be on later after another think.


minervaitalica Sun 30-Aug-09 17:38:57

vcr85, just wanted to say I am really sorry to hear what happened - just found your post.

I would try to take some time out to think "in peace" about what you want to do (and explode if you need it), away from him.

vcr85 Sun 30-Aug-09 22:39:32

We have decided to go on holiday tomorrow. I think it will be a disaster but he wants to as he thinks it will give us time to talk. I honestly feel as though I am dreaming and I'm going to wake up and it will have bee n a horrible night mare.

He told me all the horrid details. I wanted to know. Wish I didn't as can't stop thinking of them together. Then I saw her today where she works in a shop and I just can't believe he did it. I feel so betrayed and just lonely right now.

We are sitting watching a movie as if nothing has happened. Am I being strange by not reacting? I had to see my mum and his today and I just wanted to shout at them what he's done.

Will see how the week goes. Can see us coming home early. Suppose we need to be seen as happy for the girls. Even if that's not the case on my part.

Thanks again for the replies it really helped last night x

countingto10 Mon 31-Aug-09 07:24:33

You are in shock atm and people in shock go into automatic pilot to get through it.

Believe me the anger will come through soon. I would suggest going to Relate as it has been a life/marriage saver for me and my DH (who had an affir earlier this year).

He should be doing everything you want. He has to cut off OW completely, no contact whatsoever under any circumstances, he must tell you if she tries to contact him. He has to let you have complete access to his mobile(s), emails etc - someone with nothing to hide, hides nothing. He must answer all you questions - this may take him sometime as it will be painful for him.

Holiday may be too soon but he probably wants to get away from OW as she is probably making it hard for him to end it.

Take care of yourself and DC - stay in control and try and stay calm. Get some legal advice as well - all part of being in control. Remember it is about what YOU want now. Whatever you chose will be OK as long as it is what YOU want.

Good luck.

HappyWoman Mon 31-Aug-09 08:36:32

dont let him dictate to you what will happen now. He has only told you now because he had no choice really. He wants to remain in control and will not want you to tell anyone. He will say he is so ashamed blah blah blah..... make you feel sorry for him and you will end up trying to 'fix' things and make it better.

Dont ever feel you are to blame - he made you feel as if you were going mad - that is worse than anything else. Now you need to do things to make you feel better not him.

Take some time and really think about what you want now and if he is truly sorry he will be able to make it up to you over time.

How long would he had lied to you if she had been happy to share him? He is angry with her because she took the control - dont believe him that he has finished it totally either.

Some practical things he could do is to give you his phone and allow you to get him a new sim card. You can not be sure he will not contact her again but you can make sure he is more open and honest with you.

Good luck and take some time for you now.

vcr85 Thu 03-Sep-09 09:15:04

Thanks for the advice ladies. Well we never made the whole week and came home last night. We did seem to be getting on ok it was the crappy weather and the false ness of it all that made me come home. On Monday night we were sitting watching tv and when I wouldn't cuddle him he got all stroppy saying that he will leave when we got home as I'm never going to get over it. I shouted at him that it had barely been 48 hours and what did he expect. I cried a lot and then he apologised for getting mad. We talked about it a lot more but I just think we are being so false about it all. We went to bed and were joking and things. He kept trying to kiss me and I didn't want him to but he did and has had a few little pecks nothing big but I hate it.

He started off being so apologetic and now it's like he's forgotten all about it and just wants to carry on like before.

I think I need to ask him to leave for a while so I can sort things out. I think iv been too forgiving too soon and he thinks he's got away with it. But then I think we acted like this happy family while I away and now I'm being like a hypocryte?

He came in there and tried to kiss me again and when I pulled away he stropped off saying he wished we were back on holiday. I just feel he doesn't have any right to be mad in the slightest right now.

I worry about the family finding out though. I know how bad they will think of him. But then I know that I can't have him thinking it was ok to do what he did.

I believe he is sorry and regrets it. He says he did it because I didn't want him at the time. I was pregnant at the time and off work ill for 9 weeks. He used to play this online Warcraft game and would spend all his time on that instead of with me which I hated. He can't remember it being so bad and when we had the bad patch after dd2 was born he said that I only ever wanted him as dd's dad which is just a lot of crap. Now I think he was trying to justify the affair to himself.

I mean were talking and acting like nothing has happened yet he's had an affAir and slept with some other woman !!!!

No need to reply I just needed to vent what I'm thinking.


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