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Its not him it is ME advice needed please!!!

(17 Posts)
HateFeelingThisWay Sat 29-Aug-09 08:55:01

I met DP in 2006, after a month of being together he went and had our initials tattoed on his arm, then after 2 months he took me and my ds on holiday, in between this we moved in together. He has never given me cause to doubt him yet i suffer terribly with doubt and insecurities.

He basically goes to work and comes home, he has never had friends so doesn't go anywhere unless we go as a family. I on the other hand have a large circle of friends who we often go and see, and I have been out with them and stayed out overnight....well before i had ds2.

When we met we were both still married, i was waiting for my divorce to come through. (Which it did a month after we met). 3 years on he is still not divorced...he was living in a out of the UK in the country where his ex wife lives and he has asked her numerous times to send him the marriage certificate, and full address so they can get divorced. She refuses.

Anyway I digress.

As i say we go to a lot of places, meet a lot of people that I know etc. We have just come back from a friend of mine where we stayed for 3 days. When we got home, after a few hours he asked if I wanted to go back for another couple of days. I instantly got a sinking feeling inside, especially when i looked at the pics i took and see how he was laughing and joking in them and felt...he just doesn't act like that with me. The pics are of us sitting round a table playing games he is sitting next to my friend while i am next to her husband.....We all were laughing and joking around so why I am bothered i don't know!

it has got to the point where I am always getting this sinking feeling and i really hate it!!!!

He is not the kind of guy who goes out without me or wants to he goes to and from work and yet I am feeling so bad. I know part of it is the shit relationships i had before...ds1's father constantly cheated on me, and my ex husband basically used me to gain something for himself and then left me.
But DP is so unlike these and yet it is him who is feeling the brunt of my insecurities....what can i do???

mathanxiety Sat 29-Aug-09 09:11:23

He seems really odd. Why can't he get his marriage certificate from the marriage registry of whatever country he lived in? The address of the courthouse or the central registry is on the internet in all likelihood. And so is the wife's, or her location could easily be found by any simple kind of inquiry. These reasons for not getting a divorce are really stupid. Why not go through with the divorce?

HateFeelingThisWay Sat 29-Aug-09 09:20:51

Why does he seem odd?
Sorry should have said he applied for marriage certificate 2 weeks ago.

HateFeelingThisWay Sat 29-Aug-09 09:33:08

He applied for it, but the issue here is me and my feelings not him getting a divorce, i just wanted to tell it all in one posting.

Besom Sat 29-Aug-09 09:38:13

You need to do something about your insecurities if you want to maintain this relationship in a healthy way. I think the only way to do that would be some sort of counselling, maybe for you both but definitely for yourself.

Why doesn't he have any friends or life of his own? If this was the other way around - a woman with no friends and a husband who is jelous when she has any sort of a good time -I would be thinking the man was probably rather controlling.

Why do you think you don't have a good time when you are just together yourselves?

I hope you can manage to work this out. Good luck

jeminthepantry Sat 29-Aug-09 09:40:49

I understand, it is your own feelings you are struggling with, when he has given you no seeming cause for concern.

How do you think you should go about doing something about it?

One thing I did notice when I read the OP was that things seemed to move really fast- tattoos after a month etc- way too quick!! Would that have any bearing on your insecurities, the way your relationship was so quickly so intense?

HateFeelingThisWay Sat 29-Aug-09 09:43:15

We do have a good time, its just obviously the more people there are mucking about etc, the louder it is.

He was in a long term relationship (over 20 yrs) and was not allowed to do anything with his own money other than his hobby. and as a result has no friends. He is starting to make them now since he started his new job. I am not controlling, i encourage him to go out but he doesn't want to. and we have some great times just the 4 of us.

I have insecurities and i need to deal with them asap.

Besom Sat 29-Aug-09 09:59:59

I'm sorry I didn't want to offend by suggesting you are being controlling. I suppose what I'm saying is you need to be careful because you appear to want him to be sociable on the one hand but also have very ambivalent feelings about how he is with other people. You need to examine what that is all about from your point of view.

If he has previously been in a controlling relationship it would be very easy for that imbalance to transfer to his relationship with you.

You say you do have a good time with him but your original post appeared to say that your insecurity stemmed from a fear that he had a good time with other people but not with you? Are saying one thing but then telling yourself something else?

I definitely think counselling may be the way forward for you.

HateFeelingThisWay Sat 29-Aug-09 10:08:13

I will try to explain it...

when we are together just us, we go out to various places other times we just sit indoors, depending on our moods lol most of the time we are doing something though.

He is a bit older than me and is happy to be at home, not into going out drinking etc...he does now with my encouragment stay after work and have a game of snooker with the guys.

I guess i feel I am not good enough for him...thats what i see when i look at myself, i feel everyone is better than me, thats why i say it is not him its me.

Pielight Sat 29-Aug-09 10:35:27

yes, it is you, you are right, and it's good that you see that too! That's the first step. I think it might be worth going to see a relationship counsellor - probably alone - so you can work out why you have these patterns of thinking, and find ways to change them.

It is a horrid feeling - and actually part of it is recognizing that you are vulnerable, but that isn't actually a bad thing. Don't go down the suspicious route, if you can help it. Work on your self-esteem and self-worth, know you are worthy of his love and then you know you can trust him and he can trust you.

is a horrid feeling, but really think the fact you recognize it means you are well on the way!

also - I'd tell him how you feel and allow yourself to be reassured, to hear how much he loves you. Tell him, you know it's you, you love him, what is hard for you and why, ask what he thinks. It'll be okay.

Besom Sat 29-Aug-09 10:36:28

Well he obviously thinks you're wonderful if he wants to spend most of his time with you!

HateFeelingThisWay Sat 29-Aug-09 10:37:47

Pie, after ds1's father and I split, i promised myself i would never let myself be vunerable or get hurt again.

Pielight Sat 29-Aug-09 10:44:50

yeah, I understand. And deep down you know to make it even half way worthwhile you need to be vulnerable, because that's what proper love is, you need to give it all to get it all back. That's why it's so painful, but also what makes it worth it.

The sick feeling is a kind of fear isn't it?

Pielight Sat 29-Aug-09 10:47:47

In a way I think you need to think -

I need to love absolutely, and that means I'm opening myself to hurt. But it will be worth it, because I don't want to live my life either alone, or feeling this way. And if it goes wrong, I know I'll be okay in the end, because I was last time.

To really give this a chance, you will need to dismantle some stuff, and that's okay, because he deserves it, and you do too.

HateFeelingThisWay Sat 29-Aug-09 13:02:39

Pie, you are right! I love him so much and vice versa, and we do have a lot of fun times.

dittany Sat 29-Aug-09 13:17:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 29-Aug-09 13:22:16

Do you think he wants to go back because he wants to see your friends or because he wants to see her?

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