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anxiety and abuse

(12 Posts)
mama2b3 Sat 29-Aug-09 08:29:17

this is very hard for me to sit here and write everything down am still trying to come to terms with what is happening in my life right now. i have been with my p now for nearly 5 years, we live in a joint tenancy council flat and have 2 dc age 3 years and 9 months and i am 24weeks pregnant. things are not good for me at the minute i am suffering with bad anxiety and its starting to take over my life. i need to get out of this relationship as p treats me like crap, speaks to me like crap has no respect for me, everything i do is wrong and anything that goes wrong is my fault etc. i am still trying to come to terms with what my life has turned into and how bad things are right now. i just want to be happy with my dc, could not carry on if it was not for them. every time i think about leaving him i get so anxious i feel like i cant breathe, feel like i will be sick and pass out. its so bad i cant deal with it. also dont no where we would go and am scared i would fall apart. me dc are my main priority and i feel bad that i would be taking them away from their dad and routine. just feel like i cant think about leaving until i get my anxiety sorted but unsure of how to do this. dont really want to go the doctors as the thought of this to makes me even more anxious. i no this anxiety is not good for my dc and desperatly want it to stop. has anyone been through this before, any advice would be appreciated thank you xx

mathanxiety Sat 29-Aug-09 09:16:59

Your DCs are suffering right now. You won't have your anxiety sorted out until you leave; it is caused by your P. Please, please, please go to womens aid. They are there to help women like you, and your DCs. Post again soon and tell us all you've reached out to them. You are so brave to type all this and hit Post Message. Now take the next important step. You don't deserve to be treated so badly, just breathe and take the little steps to a better life. You can do it.

XXX to you

Alambil Sat 29-Aug-09 12:21:14

can you ring women's aid and talk through it all? Is the anxiety worse because of the treatment you receive, do you think? therefore meaning if you take the jump to leave, the anxiety will get better real fast because p isn't there to hurt you?

their number is 0808 2000 247 - they're open 24 hours a day, all week

dizietsma Sat 29-Aug-09 12:33:43

Your partner is abusive, check out Women's Aid they have a lot of advice on what abuse is and how to get out of abusive relationships. They also have a phone line which may be a good first point of contact for you to talk about your relationship and your anxiety. The number will not show up on your phone bill.

My mum was emotionally abused (like you are) and physically abused by my stepdad and let me assure you, your kids do not need an abuser in their lives. It will scar them emotionally for life, and watching you suffer from anxiety at his abusive hands is not a happy memory.

Next time you visit your midwife you could talk to her about your anxiety. Tell her you are having such difficulty with your anxiety that you are finding it hard to even make and attend an appointment with your GP to discuss it, and you are hoping she might be able to arrange some help for you. This way you don't have to make an appointment with the GP, then freak out and miss it (I also have anxiety, I know how it works!).

The website No More Panic is an excellent resource for people like us, it was recommended to me by a nurse.

As to arranging him moving out, or you moving out, I suggest you make a list of the questions you have about it and then make an appointment at your local CAB.

A good way to cope with anixiety problems is to approach things that make you really anxious one step at a time. Break down the big overwhelming problems into little steps, then just focus on the next step, don't obsess over the possibilities and what ifs. If you're feeling anxious about a step, break it down even further. For example, phoning Women's Aid is freaking you out, but can you pick up the phone? Can you dial the first number? The second? etc. If it takes you a few attempts to get these steps done, that's OK, don't give up, you'll get there in the end.

So for right now I suggest your little steps should be, in no particular order-

1. Call Women's Aid and talk about your feelings and your relationship

2. Next midwife appointment, talk about your anxiety and ask for help

3.Check out No More Panic

4. Make a list of things you want to ask CAB about housing, benefits etc for when the relationship breaks up

5. Make appointment with CAB

6. Talk to a friend or family member you trust about your problems and ask them to help you with your steps

7. Keep posting on mumsnet if it helps you, we're here to help!

mama2b3 Thu 03-Sep-09 09:22:39

thankyou to everyone who has replied. it has taken me a while to reply and now i finally feel that i no i have to leave he will never change. just i am scared shitless. i almost feel guilty for planning to leave, as if i am betraying him. is this normal? i no i need to get my children away from this but its hard as they love their dad, sometimes i dont no what to do for the best. i have been tring to keep a lid on my anxiety and control it and the last few days have been better for me although i still wake in the night and cant sleep etc. also as i am pregnant really dont no wether to plan to leave asap or wait untill the baby is born, recover from the birth then find the stregnth to leave? i am just scared dont no where we will go. or do i have any chance of making him leave if i have the courage to do so. just hate the thought of bringing a child into this world without a home. sorry if i have rambled on

colditz Thu 03-Sep-09 09:27:24

Leave now. I waited until I had my baby and it was so much harder, more children to organise. I wish I'd done it while I was pregnant.

Your anxiety will probably lift when you are away from your ex.

PS - something I didn't know - children thrive perfectly happily on not seeing their father every day. Mine don't ask for daddy from one week to the next, so if he tries using "Your not fucking taking my kids away " just point out that you're not. HE may be laess than happy with less access, but YOU and THEY will be fine..

mama2b3 Thu 03-Sep-09 09:39:52

thankyou colditz. think i no deep down that i need to leave asap just very hard to admit it. i am taking things one step at a time at the mo as if my anxiety gets bad again it will make it harder for me to leave. i am aiming to ring womens aid next week when dd is back at nursery and see what they say. just am keeping going with the thought that one day we will be able to live our lives without treading on eggshells, having to account for my time how i have spent my money etc and just cant wait to be free xx

colditz Thu 03-Sep-09 09:53:01

Come back to us after you speak to woman's aid. Ring them now, you don't necessarily have to wait until your ds is back at preschool.

mama2b3 Thu 03-Sep-09 10:04:51

cant ring them now as p has week off work and constntly around. he goes back next week when dd goes back to nursery so wil ring then. i am usin this time to think about the things i need to plan etc in order to leave and to think about what i will say to womens aid am scared my mind will just go blank and i wont be able to speak. also dont want to keep getting upset in front of dd, think she has seen enough upset lately and would rather it if she were at nursery so i have some time to take in what they say if that makes any sense

NicknameTaken Thu 03-Sep-09 10:29:22

That sounds like a reasonable plan to me, mama2b3. And don't worry, you don't have to say all the right things to WA during this phone call. If you forget some things, that's fine. It's a start, and you can have other future conversations with them when you add information. They're used to dealing with people who're not in a very calm and collected frame of mind - that's their job!

If you get the chance, it's a good idea to put together your and children's essential documents in a safe place (maybe with a friend), eg. birth certs, passports, photos etc.

colditz Thu 03-Sep-09 10:33:25

I do understand.

Paperwork - get all your bank statements together in a safe place. YOu can do this under the guise of "tidying up". You need your national insurance number, the children's birth certificates, your maternity notes, and if I were you I would tidy these into an area where you can also stash an overnight bag with nappies (if you need them), clothes and any money you can safely get your mitts on.

If you are worried he will become violent if you try to leave, talk it through with women's aid about when the best time will be.

In the meantime, rest uop, do what you need to do to make life as easy and pleasent as possible for yourself and your children, and quietly and discreetly prepare your things.

mathanxiety Thu 03-Sep-09 17:29:19

One of the things an abuser does is make it hard for the victim to ever see anything beyond the immediate cares of the day. They keep you in such stress that you couldn't even plan something as simple as painting your toenails the next day -- all you energy is focused on the here and now because you have to be so alert to what way the wind is blowing. This constant focus on him and his moods is why it's hard to see yourself going and talking to Women's Aid, and wondering if they'll understand anything you say because you'll come across as so scattered -- believe me, practically everyone they see feels terrible about herself and they would be surprised to see anyone who was "together". It's hard to imagine anything better or maybe even anything else at all when your whole world has been reduced to you and him, mostly him, but when you find yourself feeling sorry for him, remind yourself that this is because you are a nice, normal person capable of real love, not because he deserves anyone's pity.

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