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Am I total idiot?? Want to trust him but think maybe I'm a fool

(25 Posts)
prettyinpink00 Fri 28-Aug-09 23:28:52

Just discovered DH has been having a text relationship with one of my friends.

Bit of background: we just moved to a new town and I met a woman with a ds the same age as mine. We spent a lot of time together and I thought we were great mates - spoke every day spent a lot of time together and as a 4 (with her DH).

I found a sexually explicit text on DH's phone. Wasn't checking on him - he left his phone it beeped and for some reason I just looked. Didn't have any suspicion at all. It described something they "did" together.

Obviously I went mental. I moved out and had a few days away. A week has now passed and DH and I are talking.

He swears there was nothing in it. He claims that he was thrilled by the attention but nothing more, admits to exchanging explicit texts but claims nothing physical happened between them (can't imagine when on earth they'd have had time). Says he wasn't physically attracted to her (which I can well believe) but it was like porn. He said he was flattered after being inundated with attention.

He is now very contrite, swears he loves me and DS, says he has broken off all contact and has given me his mobile. Says he'll do anything. He seems genuinely embarassed and ashamed but clearly I've been taken for a fool so am I compounding that by believing him??

He has never given me any reason to disbelieve him in the past. "Ordinarily" (and I appreciate there is a huge element of not really knowing him given what has happened) he is a loving husband and great father. I genuinely believe he wishes this hadn't happened - but is all this just what every woman who is cheated on imagines??

I've read soooooo many threads where it seems so clear te woman is being a naive fool but can't see it - am I in the same category?

Thoughts pleeeeeeeeeease.

HolyGuacamole Fri 28-Aug-09 23:39:10

Every situation is different. FWIW, I'd kick my DH out straight away if I found out that about him. However, I come from a background of having been made a mug of one too many times in the past and nowadays I just wouldn't stand for it.

It is up to you. You might be able to make it work. He might be genuinely sorry. You maybe able to eventually forgive this and move on.

It will all take time though and only you can decide. My first reaction is tell him to get on his bike. But I realise that is so easy to say.

Don't make any hasty decisons. Don't let him back in too quickly and certainly don't let him back into your affections until you have seen enough proof that he respects the way that you want your relationship to be.

What about your "friend"? What is she saying about it?

lilacclaire Fri 28-Aug-09 23:39:58

If the text was referring to something that they have already done, then im afraid he is still lying to you.

prettyinpink00 Sat 29-Aug-09 00:11:28

He's staying with his sister at the moment and I have given him no reason to believe that he has any chance of coming back to our home.

The text (from her) was of the "I love it when you touch me" variety. Hence I guess his likening it to porn. I haven't seen the texts he sent her but he admits they were of a similar nature (i.e. saying wht he'd like to do) but denies that he did those things (in some ways that doesn't really matter - he still said it).

I have had no contact with her aside from a very brief exchange in which she said she apologised, said nothing happened and that she was flirting cos she was miserable with her own life and it was all her.

He has sent flowers, written letters and answered every question I have put to him. Even his sister (who doesn't like me much) has phoned to say he is an idiot who made a stupid mistake and is distraugt that he has fucked up our marriage.

blinks Sat 29-Aug-09 00:12:36

agree with lilacclaire.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Sat 29-Aug-09 00:12:38

First of all Pretty, I am so sorry you're going through this. It's a horrible thing to face and having been through the finding texts business myself, I can imagine how you're feeling.

What a bitch of a friend huh? Ok, here's what to do. I think he's probably lying, given the content you describe. You're going to need to confront her and it goes without saying, that her DH must know about it all. Her DH can be your ally in finding out what's true and what's not true - your DH and her will slip up somewhere along the line if the stories don't match.

Buy a SIM card reader and start to track the deleted texts. Start interrogating other forms of communication too (e.g. laptops, home PC etc.) Look for evidence of a second mobile, too.

Don't make any decisions just yet, you are in shock. Find out as much as you can and then decide whether you can live with the outcome. You need complete honesty and it might be worth bluffing with him along the lines of that you do know the full story and you want to give him one final chance to tell you all. If he doesn't, it really is over between you.

There is a small chance you've managed to avert something happening in which case, treat it as a wake up call and decide what you can both do to prevent it in future.

And as for finding the time, it seems that most affair partners take time off work and no-one is the wiser. So sorry.

blinks Sat 29-Aug-09 00:15:32

hmmmmmmmmmmmm

it sounds like you're convinced by him.

it's your opinion that really matters so trust your instinct.

i would find it difficult to get over but i'm pretty black and white about such things.

BitOfFun Sat 29-Aug-09 00:16:38

He has fucked it up though, hasn't he? He will just have to live with it. Weeping and gnashing of teeth doesn't undo the fact he has betrayed you.

Sorry you are going through this- mbut to my mind, he has been unfaithful no matter whether he physically did anything. How can you trust him now?

prettyinpink00 Sat 29-Aug-09 00:54:20

Oh yes he has definitely fucked up and a month ago I'd have laughed at the meerest suggestion that I would stay with someone who treated me like this - but when you're living with it...fuck it is hard and I feel such an idiot for even tinking about staying - it's just I want to do what is best by me and DS. And of course I still can't believe this has turned out to be my bloody life!

I genuinely believed we had a fantastic relationship - seriously not even any niggles (like I said how bloody naive am I?!)

It is not that he has me convinced - it is just that I am trying to deal with the facts. My mind is running away with me but I am trying to get my head round what I actually know.

I have checked his computer and that seems to be clear. There are a couple of emails to his best mate where he explains what has happened and they accord with what he has told me - he is unaware that I know how to access these. I am virtually certain there is no other phone and I have dug out his mobile bills so I'm pretty sure he has been truthful about number of texts sent and over what period.

The nature of his work makes it very difficult for him to have unaccounted for time off but yeah he lied to me and I know I can't trust a word he says. I suppose I just don't want it to be true sad.

jasper Sat 29-Aug-09 01:07:10

I am going against the grain here. I don't think it is a huge deal - THIS TIME.
if he is contrite and says it was out of hand flirting, and you really love each other, forgive, forget, and move on

purpleduck Sat 29-Aug-09 01:42:56

whenwilli

WHAT is a SIM card reader, and how would soeone know they have one on their phone?

BitOfFun Sat 29-Aug-09 02:08:37

sim card readers

mathanxiety Sat 29-Aug-09 07:02:16

It's hard, isn't it. Trust is one of those things where you either do or you don't, and there's no half way option where you feel at all comfortable. A keylogger for your home computer might help you find out more? But turning yourself into a private detective could result in making you go crazy... At some point you have to decide whether you are able to take a deep breath and jump in again, but with one eye open at all times (trust but verify..), and do it by taking it one day at a time, or chucking it in. Such a horrible situation.

oliviasmama Sat 29-Aug-09 07:07:39

It's deceitful, physical or otherwise, it's still deceitful, not saying we don't all make mistakes at some point in our lives though. Go with your gut instinct.

FlightHattendant Sat 29-Aug-09 07:14:36

Oh dear sad

Sorry to hear this. The texts are a bit ugh.

I think it's possible he got carried away but if this is true, you and he might benefit from some counselling to get to the root of it - ie WHY he felt he had a right to behave like he did.

It smacks of some underlying resentment he's holding towards you or a lack of respect - the first can prob be sorted, the second can't, i don't think - meaning he'd do it again.

Respect is crucial imo, if there's none you're better getting out now before any more pain. If he was just annoyed with you or thought you wouldn't really care - that is something counselling would address.

MatthewBellamysMuse Sat 29-Aug-09 07:37:58

I think he just got carried away with the flattery and attention - finding out someone fancies you can do strange things to a person.
Still not sure I believe the 'nothing happened' line. You need to be absolutely sure you believe what e's telling you before you can consider having him back.
If it turns out to be true that nothing did happen, then his actions are forgiveable imo if he's truly sorry. Make him sweat though.

LoveBeingAMummy Sat 29-Aug-09 07:57:08

Only you can decide if this is the end for you two. Personally if you believe all they did was text then for me I think I could count this as he one time only mistake and make it clear that anything else in the future would be the end.

This does not make you weak or a mug.

But you would have to stick to it if you ever did find anything else out.

countingto10 Sat 29-Aug-09 08:38:16

Staying with or forgiving your DH doesn't make you weak etc.

You have a devastating shock and cannot think straight atm. Do not do anything in haste. As far as is it cheating is concerned, if he wouldn't do it in front of you then it's cheating - that goes for everything eg financial things etc.

I have been through this with my DH - left me for a OW about 6 months ago (affair lasted about 2 months). I had so much advice my head just span. You have to do what YOU want. Do you love him and is he a good H, provider and father in every other respect ? Is he genuinely sorry for what he has done or just sorry he got caught ? Is he prepared to go to somewhere like Relate because this is a big red flag that something is wrong ?

So take your time, listen to him and set your boundaries of what you want in future, including going to counselling. If he is truly sorry he will do everything in his power to put right. Remember a person with nothing to hide, hides nothing.

Six months down the line me and DH are together and working on our marriage TOGETHER - faults on both sides.

Good luck.

dippylou84 Sat 29-Aug-09 09:21:01

I want to start by saying, i know exactly what your going through! The same thing has happened with my DH.

It made me feel de-graded and that I wasnt enough for him some how even though we have a fantastic and happy life! I gave him another chance probably more because we have 3 DS under 5 & the fact we had only been married one week! I do agree it would have been the flattery that made him reply and carry on with the texts (i am not excusing it in ANY way) & I genuinley beleive he probably is regretting this like he has never regretted anything before. The fact he gave you his phone says alot too!I hope you manage to sort this out, nobody is perfect & these days your lucky if you have a life that doesnt throw up problems now and again! I hope you cut your 'friend' out of your life!

prettyinpink00 Sat 29-Aug-09 09:59:08

thanks everyone.

So called friend is definitely out of my life - having thought about it she is clearly nuts: outwardly very confident but underneath desperately insecure - she needs to be better than everyone else and I think she has been quite envious of my relationship. I suspect she wasn't actually particularly interested in DH just wanted to know she could have him if se wnted IYKWIM. I have no doubt that she pursued DH relentlessly. Not that that excuses DH in ANY way.

Still do not know what I am going to do. A couple of days ago I suggested he needed to see someone to get to bottom of this and he has agreed. Not ready to talk about seeing couples counsellor as not sure whether there is a relationship to salvage.

Have to say those, this matter aside he was great. He was supportive, caring, a great father and most of all (at least I thought) my best friend. Not that it really matters what other people said but friends always commented on what a great relationsip we had. I think this is why I am so shocked. I just can't believe it. But like I said is that what every cheated on wife says?!!

blinks Sat 29-Aug-09 12:43:10

you sound very sensible.

take your time to process what's gone on and let things settle before mnaking any decisions.

if he's worth keeping he'll respect that you need time and space to come to terms with this betrayal.

lilacclaire Sat 29-Aug-09 13:46:58

I would think about councelling anyway, if there isn't any relationship left, it will help you both to bring in to an end.
Give it time before you make any solid decisions, you won't be able to think properly just now ( I wouldn't anyway )

twoclimbingboys Sun 30-Aug-09 11:53:27

It sounds like they have actually physically done something, to refer to 'being touched' tbh.

It doesn't make you weak if you do decide to forgive him. Although i'm not sure that I could in your situation.

superstar1 Tue 22-Sep-09 10:29:58

nightmare!!! but i know exactly what your going through! how could he do this to me etc etc. The same thing happened to me 4 months ago and im still struggling with it every day. Its like an obsession i cant stop thinking about it and its driving me crazy!! I know my OH regrets it like nothing before and is doing everything possible to make it right, giving me the phone, passwords to emails everything. texting and calling al the time, doing all the housework making dinner etc.
Its just so hard when you think you have the perfect life and all of a sudden its shattered.
Shouldnt be a big deal as it was only texts but it was a big deal to me.
hope you feel better soon x

HappyWoman Tue 22-Sep-09 13:50:32

so sorry you are going through this.

Glad she is out of your life at least - i once had a 'friend' like this who honestly believed she could have whoever she wantedhmm - although she didnt go after my h when his affair was exposed i just didnt want her as a friend anymore knowing that she thought nothing of doing it to another woman.

With regard to counselling - whilst i think it could be a good idea i also dont think there is anything fundemently wrong with your h. He was flattered and took it too far - that is not a reflection on the state of your relationship and it does not mean he does not respect you. Society seems to condone this type of behaviour and i think he is no different to many men who honestly do not see how hurtful these actions are (the attitude that these things happens which may people hold sums it up).

I would also be wary that he has told you the whole truth - he will only admit the minimum.
As for trusting in the future you will never fully trust him or another friend in the same way again sad. And probably never in another relationship againsad.
This is the hardest thing you will have to come to terms with and dont be too hard on yourself for that.

Think of it like finding out that Santa is not real - christmas is never the same again with that wonderment only children have - But you can still enjoy christmas again. They are just different.

You can move on from this and if he is truly sorry he will never allow this to happen again and together you can make your marriage stronger and better in many ways.

Good luck and enjoy the flowers.

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