Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do You think he is having an affair

(36 Posts)
Sarasue Fri 28-Aug-09 17:42:31

I think my DP is up to something with a woman he works with. In the last few months he has gone from lazy fat waste of space to health freak, he's been re-vamping his wadrobe and generally improving his appearance. We very rarely sleep together as he is always too tired, I don't mind this as when we do it's always good. He has mentioned this woman a few times ( she is married) and they seem to be best buddies.
He goes to martial arts classes that run from 7.30 til 9.30 but sometimes doesn't get back til 11 and says they were just chatting after class. I took the children to the seaside for the day and he text and told me to stay over if I could get a B&B and have the next day to, was he just being nice or did he want the house to himself. I hate myself for doing it but I checked his phone and there were texts to and from here, nothing incriminating but very over friendly, calling her Hun and My Love the sort of thing he puts in texts to me. Am I over reacting or is he up to something?

motherlovebone Fri 28-Aug-09 17:50:54

does he call anyone else hun/my love or just you?
the re vamping is a textbook sign but not on its own.
the B&B sounds like a nice gesture.
that said, if alarm bells are going off something could well be amiss.
you need to talk.

shootfromthehip Fri 28-Aug-09 17:54:36

I'd be suspicious but if you hang around here long enough you start to be suspicious of everything!

I think the B&B thing is odd actually unless he often suggests that you have wee overnights.

It's not enough to hang him but you have a radar for a reason!

Sarasue Fri 28-Aug-09 17:55:42

Just me or so I thought, I did ask him why he text her and he said she was a mate, he wouldn't talk about it any more than that. He used to say I was a mate and we were at it like rabbits.

Sarasue Fri 28-Aug-09 17:57:52

I never stay away unless I stay at my best friends when we've been out for drinks, he doesn't like me arriving home a little tipsy and waking him up. I never go away with the kids without him.

juicy12 Fri 28-Aug-09 17:59:22

Tricky. None of the above particularly ring alarm bells and could nearly all be explained innocently. I go through periods of trying to lose weight/spruce myself up, both for myself and DH. Maybe he genuinely is too tired for sex - but if it's good when you do maybe you need to set aside some time before he gets too tired. However, the martial arts classes, I wouldn't be happy about. If he's too tired to sleep with you, then wouldn't it be nice to come straight home after class? How long has he known this woman? I have (straight) male friends that I've known for years that I have affectionate names for and vice versa. The seaside thing seems a bit odd, though. One thing that struck me - do you really think of him as a "lazy fat waste of space"? or are you just trying to highlight the difference?

ilikeshoes Fri 28-Aug-09 18:02:06

Really feel for you, its horrible being suspicious, whats your gut instinct on the situation? and is there any other way you could find out things, i no its bad to snoop, but worse to feel suspicious.

FlightHattendant Fri 28-Aug-09 18:05:59

I think he is, sorry. Classic. sad

Btw you're not anything to do with the other martial arts saga are you? There are so many martial arts related relationship threads!!

Seriously the whole thing sounds highly suspicious to me. Suggesting you stay out for the night is way beyond odd. It says to me that he wanted the house to himself.

Sorry. I know it must be hard to think about. sad

Sarasue Fri 28-Aug-09 18:08:37

Was just highlighting the difference, but he was quite porky, not now he's mr fit. He's known her about 6 or 7 months. He did come home from work in a rage about 2 months ago because someone had started a rumour about him being seen kissing someone in the yard by his truck. I laughed about it but he was so angry. I just thought he protested too much. Out of 30 gruby truckers he was the one who the rumour was about. I see one of his collegues wives at the nursery and always say hello but she doesn't even look me in the eye anymore. Maybe its just me.

ilikeshoes Fri 28-Aug-09 18:20:55

It does sound pretty suspicious, i always have gone with my gut instinct its never let me down yet, but perhaps you should try and talk to him again, he shoul'nt get mad if hes got nothing to be defencive over.

mrsboogie Fri 28-Aug-09 18:20:58

err no, sorry it'd be a miracle if he wasn't up to something given all of the above.

I guess you need to decide what to do - would you want to try to salvage the relationship or, if he is having an affair, is that it for you?

juicy12 Fri 28-Aug-09 18:21:22

Sarasue, I'm sorry, I think I agree with FlightHattendant. It seems odd for his work mates to start a rumour if there's absolutely nothing to it. And if you want to be cynical, you could say that he brought it up first as a kind of double bluff. I think you have to talk to him now. Really feel for you.

TheCrackFox Fri 28-Aug-09 18:26:46

If he isn't having an affair he is maybe enjoying the thought of it. Sorry.

You are right for your alarm bells to be ringing.


BubbaAndBump Fri 28-Aug-09 18:27:57

Clamming up when you asked him about her doesn't look good either. My hubby always insists on telling me any female friend of his is married as if that immediately puts my suspicions to rest.

You could try to start a conversation about it (if you want to face it right now that is) saying, I'm probably being silly but I'm getting a paranoid about Martial Arts Lady and you because of X,Y,Z. Be upfront and see his reaction. Men I know are crap at lying when confronted directly.

diddl Fri 28-Aug-09 18:41:34

Sounds like it,unfortunately.
Or mid life crisis-flattered by her attention?

mathanxiety Fri 28-Aug-09 18:43:21

I think it's significant that one of the other truckers' wives doesn't look you in the eye. Plus the whole rumour about kissing someone turning him so angry. He was trying to get his side of the story and fake self righteous anger across to you before anyone else could tip you off about his activities behind your back. There is something going on, imo, sorry.

Kally Fri 28-Aug-09 19:26:20

When my ex was fooling about this is what I noticed:
Went and got his teeth fixed (was always shit scared of the dentist and wouldn't go for me and I had to suffer dog breath...)
Suddenly went and independantly bought his own underwear..kept buying new gear..
Showered every morning, sometimes at night as well before getting into bed hmm
Loved it when I stayed away with the kids, would even drive me up there...(and drive all the way back)
Lots of mobile phone use. (which eventually felled him as I got the itemized bill and had proof)By the way, this was years ago when mobiles had just come out and were the size of a hairdryer.
Sudden appointments. He worked with her.
Moody, quiet, impatient, either extremely happy or extremely moody.
Suddenly started listening to the Gypsy Kings over and over and over...grin
Called her 'his mate'...sad

I upturned every rock to prove it. Never did. It got pointed out to me. (By some shit stirring caring friends)

mmrred Fri 28-Aug-09 19:32:15

So what do you do now? Sounds well suss to me, particularly the bit about coming home in a rage about the rumour - that's a pre-emptive strike before you hear anything. In an OK relationship the natural reaction is to be blushily flattered!

You could tell him she has phoned you and confessed all - that would put the cat in the coop!

FabBakerGirlIsBack Fri 28-Aug-09 19:34:21

He is up to no good.

If he truly is innocent and loves you he will try hard to make you feel secure.

stillcryinginside Fri 28-Aug-09 19:46:09

Sarasue, your post brought back horrid memories for me. My h was seeing O/W behind my back and I was so trusting that it just never sunk in what was happening until I found a hidden secret phone that he'd been using to contact her. When I read the txt messages between them I realised I'd been a prize pillock for not seeing the signs at the time.

My h is a lazy arsed git too and he cleaned up his act, started going off to buy materials promising to make good jobs he'd started. he'd be gone for hours searching for just the right piece of wood etc.

When I did know what was happening and confronted him with the evidence he flipped his lid at me and hit me in anger/rage/frustration whatever but he blamed me for it all.

stillcryinginside Fri 28-Aug-09 19:51:01

another thing I noticed too there was always chewing gum or wrappers, packets of mints etc in the side door of the car!!

Sarasue Sat 29-Aug-09 10:26:08

Thanks everyone, I think I kind of knew it wasn't just me being paranoid, spoke to him about it last night sort of, all he said was that he has told her I think there is somthing going on and she is terrified I will turn up and hit her. I might hit him if I get proof but couldn't care less about her she can have him if he's a cheeting shit. He promised that there is nothing going on then offered to get the kitchen done for me as I have been nagging about it for months. He must be feeling guilty. but will get a nice kitchen then kick him out. I feel pretty calm at the moment but think that is because I know and have kind of known for a while, just need evidence. Might pop down to the martial arts place and see if she's with him, or he is even there. If I get proof I will destroy him. I gave up so much for him and if he has done this he is going to pay. Bastard.

ladylush Sat 29-Aug-09 12:40:04

Hmmm, doesn't look good at all. I'm sure if you look hard enough you will find the evidence. For me it was email and bank statements. He thought he was being clever having online mobile phone billing but didn't clear his emails. Stupid git.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 29-Aug-09 12:54:44

Sarasue - think about squirreling away some money for you and the children and get the kitchen ordered today.

TessOfTheDinnerBells Sat 29-Aug-09 18:13:31

Could be just some wishful thinking, on his side hmm. But then why would she be worried you might hit her and not on the phone to you to say you had got it wrong?

What about trying the old sim card reader to see if he has deleted any texts from or to her. Let him think he has just misplaced his phone while you check it out.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: