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Is it time to leave

(8 Posts)
foolfoolfool Thu 27-Aug-09 22:31:33

I have been with my partner for nealry 10 years.

We have two beautiful children together , one 5 and a baby under 6 months.

Year ago it came to light that he had a drinking problem - which we seemed to over come with us drinking together occcasionally.

He doesn't go out - but drinks in the house, iin my view maybe a couple of glasses of wine, what i don't see is the litre of spirits and the other bottle of wine. Last weekend i gave him an ultimatun us or the booze, He rang AA, then went to the docs theygave him meds for a week and gave him info of a place to go when meds ran out. He's been working away since then and returned yesterday morning.

If he's working nights - he doesn't drink - if he's working days he does!

This morning he was pissed - so much so that i took his car keys off of him and refused to give them back. He started shouting at me and our daughter - so i locked him out. He smashed the kithen window and climbed in - narrowly missing the baby in the rocker with shattering glass.

I rang his mother and left a message on her answerphone. She called back this afternoon, bollocked him he admitted to her that he'd been drinking too much etc and said he was seeking help?? Of which he's not done yet.

Tonight he fell asleep eary on the sofa i went to lock the utility room door and saw a vodka bottle next to the chest feezer. He again is pissed, his mum happened to call and i just screamed at her down the phone i'd had enough, he refused to talk to her and hung up. He's been ranting and raving and screaming, has woken the baby and couldn't give a shit (as he is pissed)

I#m scared, to leave - met him when i was 18, do not get on with family and have no close friends, no money, live in the middle of nowhere and do not drive.

I have no idea of what to do

I love this man to death and if i thought we could work it out i would jump at the chance, but i feel after the second ultimatum in a week it is making NO DIFFERENCE, He tells me and everyone i am his life he adores me etc etc - if he meant it - could he and would he stop??

foolfoolfool Thu 27-Aug-09 22:32:47

Sorry the problem came to light years ago not a year ago and apologies for typos i'm sat in the dark....

mrsboogie Thu 27-Aug-09 22:37:14

yes its time to leave, or if you can kick him out.

he won't stop until he wants to - your ultimatums won't make a difference I'm afraid.

someone will be along soon to give you practical advice I hope.

Overmydeadbody Thu 27-Aug-09 22:39:05

You need to leave.He is not going to stop and it is not benefiting your life to stay with him is it?

And it's pretty ridiculous to say you love someone else to death, I'm sorry but really? You would die for him? I think not.

Relationships are meant to enhance your life. This is not enhancing your life so leave.

Your life will be a lot better without an alcoholic.

Overmydeadbody Thu 27-Aug-09 22:40:55

Don't be scared to leave.

You can do it.

Benefits will help get you on your feet until you sort yourself out with a job etc. and your DH will hopefully pay maintainance.

Do you own your house? Rent it? What is the situation there?

foolfoolfool Thu 27-Aug-09 22:48:49

Rent and we run our own business (ltd company) of which i'm the MD although he does all of the contracts i just do the admin, accounts etc, no chance of getting maintenance off of him .......

I am soooooo scared - will have to do this all alone.

foolfoolfool Thu 27-Aug-09 22:49:36

Overmydeadbody- you are right what a ridiculous think to say!!!!!

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 28-Aug-09 08:00:54


He is still financially responsible for the children even though you will likely have to pursue him for this. I do not advocate separation lightly but its the only way forward in your case.

You and your children cannot realistically stay with an alcoholic; you will all end up being dragged down by him. Infact you are now actually. Your five year old is likely aware that something is badly wrong here and is liekly picking up on all the tensions between you and your man. His actions are impacting badly on your day to day lives. BTW you cannot and should not be drinking with him either; this is also enabling behaviour.

You may be scared to leave yes and you did meet him when you were very young and had no life experience behind you (I guess he was your knight in shining armour at that time if your home life was not great). I guess you hoped all along that somehow your love would change him for the better and you could overcome his drink problem. Wrong on all counts I am sorry to say.

BTW why can't he leave?. Can his name be removed from the tenancy?. Get proper legal advice for your own self.

Al-anon can give you support as they can help family members of problem drinkers. You need to realise that you play a part in his alcoholism as well. Many women in these situations end up enabling their man.

He has made a choice; his primary relationship first and foremost is with drink and everything and everyone else including your kids comes a dim and distant second. He will not listen and continue not to listen to anyone.

You can only save your own self and that of your children ultimately. They will not thank you either for staying with him if you were to choose to. His professing of love etc is meaningless, they are truly the most selfish individuals and you cannot reason with them.

You cannot make him stop drinking and ultimatums given repeatedly lose all their power (not that this would have had any effect on him to start with). You've had 10 years of him, you do not want another 10.

Feeling scared is okay but you need to consider your two children in all this as well. They DO NOT need an alcoholic parent whilst they are growing up; that does affect them markedly as both children and adults.

You need to remember this as well:-
You did NOT cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

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