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Whats the "rules" when newly separated? Am at a loss....

(12 Posts)
iwillmakeit Thu 27-Aug-09 21:27:03

H left the second time about 2wks ago now, he had been away for 4/5 mths while we went to relate, became friends etc. He then assured me he wanted to come back and after 3wks admitted he just didnt love me anymore. Managed to restrain myself from killing him as we have 3dcs aged 5, 3 and 1 who i had managed to get settled, then he comes back, comes on holiday etc and p*s off again. 5yr old stuggling to cope at times.

At the moment h comes over once a wk after wk to read story etc and then takes them out at wkend.

I am struggling with the hurt, humiliation, pain and rejection hes heaped on me. I cant look at him, and have to force myself to be polite when hes here.

He has own key still, loads of stuff here etc.

Want to maintain a good relationship for the dcs but am really stuggling with my own pain I guess, any advice?

inthemistsoftime Thu 27-Aug-09 21:35:45

hi iwillmakeit, just wanted to offer you some support as i was in your position 9 months ago.

the question "whats the rules"

the answer is, you make em up

work out what is acceptable to you and the dcs, and inform him as such

get the keys back if you can, it will give you some comfort and then tell him to come and pick up his stuff.

I personally went round and chucked all the exs bits in a bin bag and told him to come and collect them as I couldn't bear having his belongings around.

chin up, it is so very very hard in the beginning, but it does get easier, I promise [hugs]

SheWillBeLoved Thu 27-Aug-09 21:37:26

It will get better sorry you and your DC's are going through this.

The first step would be to ask him to take his belongings and give your key back. If it is no longer his home, then he has no reason for any of his things to be there, or to have his own key. His things need to be at his house, and you can open the door to him.

Can think of nothing worse than ex DP having another reason other than DD to just pop in - and actually being able to because he still had keys.

ballbaby Thu 27-Aug-09 21:38:06

Similar has just happened to me, about 2 months ago. Friends have really helped - going out for coffee and doing things with kids. If you can find happiness in yourself and kids it will really help.

He sounds like a selfish b***d though, just like my h. Could it be that you're well rid of him?

iwillmakeit Thu 27-Aug-09 21:44:42

Thank you, it hadnt even crossed my mind to remove all his stuff!
Am still 'protecting' him i think, ie living in one room etc, but then again i have a big loftgrin

Also myself as cant believe this is really happening, guess thats normal too...?

Mumfun Thu 27-Aug-09 22:16:36

Im here as well. Its so hard and could use some advice too.

My H wants his cake and eat it. I have got him to take away some stuff -but there is loads more to do.

I dont have much support - no family - so would welcome tips how to get some. I have some friends but not enough to cover all weekends.

Ive let H take kids to his new place -his mothers hmm for a lot of weekends -do I have to as he can see them freely here if he wants to?

Eve34 Thu 27-Aug-09 22:33:04

IWMI you will get through this, you have show such strength, it is just another small challenge for you.
Pack up his stuff get everything at home as you want it. I had a good spring clean and re arranged the furniture.
Can he pick the children up from school on his evening? So you don't have to stand on the door step being poliete?
I am sure it will get easier, it is just a case of time to adjust.

Eve x

whatdoyouallthink Fri 28-Aug-09 08:59:33

IWMI, I remember you from the other thread. I am sorry things havent worked out for you.

I would also suggest clearing his things out and getting the key back. My H was reluctant to return the key so I changed the locks in the end. Change some things in the house too, move the furniture around or cupboards or get new cushions anything to make it more yours.

Is there anyway he could have the dc where he is living? At least then you wouldnt have to have him in the house too much then. My H would walk around like he still lived here helping himself to things etc used to drive me mad!

It does get better I promise you. I am now 8/9 months down the line and although it has been a hard slog I look back and feel like a different person now. Good luck with everything.

McCharlieMouse Fri 28-Aug-09 13:20:45


I'm another who just wants to pass on my support. I was in your position 1 yr ago (1st time he left) and 6mths ago (the final nail in the coffin!).

Like inthemistoftime says I don't think there are any rules. Just try and take each day at a time. Try not to worry about things tomorrow/ next week/ next month that may or may not happen, just get through each day.

My exh still has a key to house and lets himself in when it is his time to see our DS. I would just be slightly cautious in changing the locks, if he jointly owns the house then he is still entitled to access, however crappy that seems it unfortunately is the case. Get the keys back if you can, I asked exh for them but he refused to hand them over.

Changing a few things/ moving furniture etc is a great idea. I shifted a few things around, took down photos of him and put up loads of cheery photos of DS.

Pack up his stuff if you can face it - I found the process of doing this very helpful and was quite delighted with the amount of wardrobe and drawer space it gave me (see....there are some pluses!!).

I do pretty much all communication with Ex over email as I still cannot bear to speak to him. Obviously I am polite in front of DS but the absolute bare minimum (it is relatively easy as DS only 1yr).

It does get easier, honestly. I know it may not feel like it at the moment but the pain/ hurt/ humilation/ anger etc. does diminsh.

You said you had been to relate with him....did you find it useful (obviously not in terms of the marriage, but in terms of your own thoughts and feelings?). Exh and I also went jointly and although it didn't help him (her kept on seeing his OW) and it didn't help the marriage, I did find it useful, to such an extent that I started going on my own a month or so ago. I was still struggling with the anger and bitterness towards Exh and spending too much time dwelling on things - the individual sessions have helped me move things on a bit. Maybe think about that as an option (you don't have to have the same counsellor - in fact I specifically requsted someone different).

Also try and keep busy, obviously you will be with 3 DCs (!) but in the evenings and during the weekends when your Ex has the children try and see this time as an opportunity to do something for you....see friends, have a bath, go to the gym, do some gardening (I have a very neat garden for the first time in my life!).

I'll have a think about some of the other things that help me and post again later.

Take care

inthemistsoftime Sat 29-Aug-09 08:10:52

Hi iwillmakeit, just wanted to see if you are doing ok?

YoVicko Sat 29-Aug-09 18:09:36

Hi, I've just bagged up my husband's stuff. He left me a year ago for another woman, but kept me hanging on because he still came round and having sex with me. A few months ago he said he was leaving her to come back. A week ago he did and after 2 days he went back and now wants a divorce. I feel angry and sad because of his appalling behaviour towards me, but also I feel annoyed with myself for not being strong. I feel like he's robbed me of a year - I could have on the mend by now!

McCharlieMouse I think I will take up your advice about seeing a councillor on my own. I need to work on keeping myself busy - but I hate the thought of getting out there again.

iwillmakeit Tue 01-Sep-09 20:45:17

Hi all, feeling better today. Have had a major clear out, kindly filled his backseat with crap etc at the weekend (we have to swop cars).
And tonight have emptied our my room and stuffed it all in the loft!
Got my free 30mins with lawyer booked and am moving forward a little.
Still dont think he really realises what hes done, or maybe I'm just incredably niave. Who knows?!
Still blowing hot and cold but am taking your advice inthemist and making it up as i go along!

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