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Panicking that DP is planning to leave....don't know what to do.

(41 Posts)
PleaseMrsButler Thu 27-Aug-09 17:13:21

A few weeks ago DP and I had a heart to heart about him being stuck in a rut, bored with his life....we both agreed to make changes which we are doing.

He promised he still wants me. He promised it isn't me he wants to change.

Today I find rightmove links on our internet history (I monitor beause of DDs). I know that he goes on occassionally if he wants to be nosey about a local for sale board. But here he was looking at quite a lot of local properties...and the vast majority were for rent (he wouldn't get a mortgage on his own).

Is there any other way to read this other than the fact that he is packing his bags proverbally speaking sad

SpeckledHen Thu 27-Aug-09 17:24:31

Don't know. Could be anything. I would not talk to him if you can possibly avoid it since he might not like you browsing his viewing history. Am not in similar position but I know I would not like it if my dp viewed mine. You could just ask him how he is feeling...hugs...

PleaseMrsButler Thu 27-Aug-09 17:27:34

I just feel so shite now though....I know that I can't say anything....which leaves me in limbo land/

PleaseMrsButler Thu 27-Aug-09 17:33:45

I just feel sick.

I don't know how to do this (emothionally or practically)

ViolettaFleur Thu 27-Aug-09 17:41:49

I would ask him straight out. If your DP is making plans to leave then I think you deserve to know. You have not done anything wrong by looking at the browing history, as you say you are monitoring because of your dd's. Don't be emotional about it, it could be nothing at all, just ask him calmly if he is considering moving out in light of recent conversations.

PleaseMrsButler Thu 27-Aug-09 21:28:33

I haven't spoken too him.

He is seriously off. Has been avoiding me all evening and now he has just gone AWOL with no explaination.

I am crapping myself.

iwillmakeit Thu 27-Aug-09 21:52:55

Cant help but know how ur feeling.

Whatever the explaination you CAN do this and you will.

Take care xx

ShowOfHands Thu 27-Aug-09 22:00:20

I idly browse local houses on rightmove for sale and for rent all the time. Just out of interest. It might not mean anything.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 27-Aug-09 22:03:56

You have to talk to him.

Has to be better than living like this.

PleaseMrsButler Fri 28-Aug-09 15:38:00


He doesn't feel "himself". He has been talking about a timescale of years that he has been feeling this way sad.

He is depressed.

He wants out of his "life" - but don't know how long for...a weekend, week, month forever.

He doesn't know if he wants to go - I think he is scared that it will genuinely show he doesn't want to come back.

He has apparently checked out house prices/rents so that he knows he can afford it. He has been looking again this morning whilst I spent all morning trying to avoid people at work because I have been sobbing my heart out. He apparently wants to stay very local so he is near DDs but doesn't want DDs full time. He is currently there main carer and so I am struggling to get my head around the logistics of it.

I keep thinking about next Christmas without him and cry
I keep thinking we have had our last holiday together and cry.

I am just crying and have been almost constantly since 8pm last night - with a 2 hour break for sleep.

Going to take DDs to library now. I need to keep busy. But wanted to let you know the outcome.

mumsiebumsie Fri 28-Aug-09 16:44:28

So sorry to hear how upset you are. Big hugs going out to you.

If he wants to leave then you can't stop him - but don't like how he's "not sure" if he wants to go and has checked prices to ensure he can afford rent should he want to leave at some point.

IMO if he wants to leave then he needs to make a decision asap - he can't leave you in limbo like this, wondering if you're going to come home and find he's packed his bags. That's not fair.

PleaseMrsButler Fri 28-Aug-09 16:53:35

He has promised he won't just pack his bags and that we will plan it etc.

It worries me even more that todays property hunt was for buying not rental (I on't think he will get a amortgage though as he is self employed on low income)...which implies he is thinking towards the permanent option.

DTDs heard me crying last night and have been asking questions about my red face today.

I can't "talk" now for crying. And I don't wnat to cry in front of DTDs. I will try and get back on later.

Thanks for your support though.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 28-Aug-09 17:23:35


I am sorry to read how upset you are; he is treating you very shabbily. He owes your DDs an explanation as well as to why their Mummy and Daddy are parting.

You will need to establish the proper legalities asap for example re finances, property and access to the children to name but three. Do seek legal advice for your own self.

I hesitate to ask but could he have actually met someone else?. All this he "wants out of his life" and bored with it could be a smokescreen.

mammamic Fri 28-Aug-09 17:34:47

I'm sorry this is happening. I know how you feel as I'm going through a simiar thing.

If he's depressed, he may not be able to act in a rational way - he is ill. All you can do is be supportive and follow your heart. Ultimately, there's not much you can do - this seems like it's 'his thing' scenario. Only he can own it.

I was supportive, angry, upset, emotional, distant - you name it, i did it, for 4 years. Then in January this year I realised that, as much as I still love him, the situation was not good for anyone, especially our DD. I asked him to leave and sort himself out.

Still on that triip.....

PleaseMrsButler Fri 28-Aug-09 20:21:30

Thanks for teh kind messages.

ATM he has not confirmed what his intentions are...just what he is thinking..and that there is no clarity in what he is thinking.

WRT someone else...80-90% sure. I did have concerns over someone recently but he has promised me faithfully that it is not that. If it is then I am confident that there is nothing physical (yet) because he doens't have the opportunity.

I could almost handle it better if there was someone else and therefore give me reason to hate him IYSWIM. Having said that I don't know...I am not in that position so it is all very well saying what I would feel like.

I guess I better unhide the lone parentlng boards sad

Confusedanddazed Fri 28-Aug-09 21:53:05

You poor thing, I just wanted to post and give you my sympathy, I am going through the same thing with a DH who is depressed and 'bored' and has actually done the moving out to live locally but is still a part of DD's life

It's hard and I've spent 9 months being unbelievably angry and upset but I have found the strength to carry on and you will too.

Please surround yourself with your friends and family and anything that can give you a break from the shit that he is putting you through.

It is his issue and you may have to sit it out for as long as you can bear to. As much as you may want to be supportive of him and his depression, you need support too - make sure you get it

<<Hugs>> to you

PleaseMrsButler Sat 29-Aug-09 08:03:28

Thanks Confused.

This is part of the problem. As he pointed out the other night - I have no "real" friends. I have work colleagues and him. We have neevr integrated into the community here...despite being here 10+years.

I am not that close to my own family - I am probaby closer to HIS. ATM I don't even want to tell my own family - especially whilst it is a maybe situation.

He is my support. I am desperate for hugs. I am desperate for him to hold my hand as my friend and be my support (IYSWIM) - but he won't.

I am a crap daughter
I am a crap sister
I am a crap friend
I am a crap partner
And right now I am a crap mother too.

I have tried to tell him he is leaving me in limbo...and tells me that if he is pressured to make a decision he is going. He is giving me no reason to think he will stay. He is giving me no positives. But he won't tell me he is actually leaving. I am obviously gearing up for him to leave but can't finalise it in my mind until he confirms it.

Yesterday driving tound crying my eyes out I was kind of hoping that I would crash the car and then problem solved. Or at least 25% of the problem (because he doesn't want (full time) the kids either. I am not sying that I want to do something stupid but if somehting happened it would solve the problem.

One of the things he was saying lat night is that I don't offer him cups of tea any more (which is because I don't drink, don't get thirsty so don't think to offfer). I always used to take him a cup of tea in bed. I am desperate to take him a cup of tea this morning. Because I want to. Because I want to fight this. Because if I give up now I will know forever that I didn't try and fight this and wonder if I missed the oportunity to make him stay. I just don't want it to look like I am being false.

I need to find something to do today. I need to take DDs out for him. I need to givehim space. But I don't know if I can face it.
I need to tidy the house to give him something to stay for. And to stay busy...I just don't know what to do for the best.

Sorry it is a bit of a rambled mess of thoughts. MN is my ONLY support ATM and boy do I need it.

sdr Sat 29-Aug-09 09:11:25

Sorry to hear life is so tough. It sounds like he needs some time, which is understandable, BUT that makes it so hard on you waiting to hear what he has to say. Keeping busy is good, so take you and DD's out for a treat today. I would ask him to commit to a day very soon when the two of you can sit and talk - get some answers about where to from here for the family. The environment you're in at the moment is not healthy for the family.

madeupsurname Sat 29-Aug-09 10:15:03

Poor you - it sounds incredibly hard. My heart goes out to you. If there is nobody you could talk to IRL, perhaps you could call the Samaritans? Their number is 08457 90 90 90.

It WILL get easier, no matter what happens, but you sound like you need somebody to talk to right now.

Hope you have taken the DDs out somewhere nice and that you are feeling a bit better.

mrsruffallo Sat 29-Aug-09 10:22:45

MrsButler-take him a cup of tea and keep talking.
He is letting you know how unhappy he is, but he obviuosly still cares about you too.
Would he try counselling with you?
He needs some help for his depression, and you need some support.
It does sound to me as if there is still hope here

PleaseMrsButler Sat 29-Aug-09 16:13:12

He will NOT do counselling. He doesn't do talking very well. It has clearly taken him well over 4 years to talk to me about this.

Anyway this morning he informed me that the decision is that he wants to stay and see how things go once DTDs get back to school.

He thinks that 7 weeks alone with them has sent him stir crazy, and that when things settle down again he (we?) can review the situation. It isn't going to change the fact that he doesn't feel the same about me as he used to though does it?

I suspect that the fact that I told him I was still in limbo means that he has given me the answer I want, the easy answer which needs no drastic, difficult to reverse decisions to be made. I doubt he has made any decisions at all.

I just want to get past DTDs residential school trip in October, otherwise I doubt DTD2 will go after the upheavl.TBH though the foul mood he is in today, the fact that he snaps at everyone and everything means that I will probably have kicked him out with no planning by the end of the day...

Thanks for the support. I guess I am still planning/expecting for this to happen one day in the nearish future, am still in termoil - but maybe I will be putting him on the spot....

PleaseMrsButler Sat 29-Aug-09 18:48:22

Internet history tells more truth than him though sad

I need to get my head round this so that I can be in a position to throw him out I think.

Confusedanddazed Sat 29-Aug-09 20:24:10


Please, please don't blame yourself for what is happening. Offering him cups of tea (or not) is just an pathetic issue he has brought up as there really isn't anything concrete for him to hang how he is feeling on.

Unfortunately no amount of cups of teas or tidy houses will shake him out of this one but I understand the desparation you must be feeling to do something, anything that will help or make sense of this.

I think he is being very manipulative by saying that if you force him to make a decision then he will leave - so then it will be your fault, right? hmm Sorry, but those are the words of a coward and he has no right to lay that at your door.

It took me ages to tell anyone in this situation as it would mean admitting that it was real and I understand that at the moment it is all too raw and difficult for you to confide in people but if there is someone that you can talk to, you should.
At one point I ended up seeing a counsellor on my own and it was such a relief to open up to someone unconnected so maybe you should consider that as an option if there is noone you want to confide in right now.

I really feel for you so much and hope you can find some more support through this.

Keep posting and take each day at a time

PleaseMrsButler Sat 29-Aug-09 22:01:36

Thanks confused.

MN i smy only solice ATM. I may open up to a friend when I go back to work next week.

I just don't want people that I am not that close to to feel like I am using them. I am crap at maintaining friends.

A couple of weeks ago DP - in our heart to heart asked me to make more of an effort with my appearance - and I totally see where he is coming from. He suggested a hair dye to cover a small amount of grey. I have been looking for a semi-permanent shampoo in dye whihc I have used before ever since and not found it. Sods law I found a semi-permanent dye 6am in the morning after the night of "confession". I couldn't bring myself to buy it. I thought that it would look like I was sad and desperate to do it at that point. But now I have thought sod it. As soon as DTDs go back to school I am going to book my first appointment at the hairdressers in 18m (my last haircut was the MN ponytail cut!). I am going to have a colour and cut. If he doesn't appreciate it and things carry on going down then I will need to do something to find someone else.

On the plus side...he has said something quite pleasant which has put a small smile on my face this evening...

Sorry for the inane rambling. I feel so crass and "needy" and insensitive compared to what some MNetters are going through ATM - and even if no-one reads/replies it is good for me to get it all out.

AnAuntieNotAMum Sun 30-Aug-09 01:53:58

Focussing on your grey hair sounds like he is projecting his fear of ageing onto you?

When you say - "I will need to do something to find someone else..." that sounds a bit worrying to be honest - are you saying that you don't think that you can function without a partner?

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