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please give me your thoughts on why ex is blaming me

(16 Posts)
sooey76 Thu 27-Aug-09 11:22:46

I was with my partner for 11 years. 5 years ago I had a baby (not first) but he didn't seem to bond and was hanging around with a slapper woman from work. He denied affair said she was just friend, but after an argument he left and stayed with her for a week. Doubts stayed in my head. 2 1/2 years ago similar thing happened much older slapper female (sorry cannot call her woman). We argued constantly, he said she was like a mum to him. He moved out (staying with her for a while) but we never really split, he was always going to move back in (gullible aren't I?).
fast forward to present date.He finally ended it in may,still expected sex(no chance) I thought he was seeing someone else, he denied it
However 3/4 weeks ago he finally admitted he was seeing someone else, next day he told me they'd split up.
To cut a long story short, he was seeing someone behind her back and she ended it, (apparently old bat mentioned previously).He started seeing her before he ended it with me,their relationship only ended last weekend, but had been going on for about 5 months. He's threatened to commit suicide saying it's all my fault.He says he's felt like killing himself since beginning off summer.At beginning of summer We had a massive argument, I told him I didn't love him anymore, I didn't even like him most days, so why lie about seeing someone else, maybe I did go a bit too far, but why does the past matter if he's in love with someone else? he's saying it's all my fault, if I hadn't gone on about original slapper we'd still be together and he wouldn't be feeling like this. He's telling me he never slept with new gf (lie) but why? I don't care. Someone suggested he still loves me, but I don't think so (hope not), he wrote letters to me her and kids, left them in my house, then phoned and said he was commiting suicide. He tells kids they are the only people he cared about, her that he loved her and never meant to hurt her, and mine is just blaming me for everything.WHY? Why all the secrecy about seeing her, why did our past matter at beginning of summer when he was in a new relationship with someone he loved. I am so confused!

kidcreoleandthecoconuts Thu 27-Aug-09 11:35:24

Can I be honest? I really wouldn't waste your time trying to work out what is going on in his head, what his intentions have been etc etc. The fact is he sounds like a waste of space. The fact is for the last 5 years he has cheated on you, left you and moved in with other women when he's felt like it and now he is blaming you that he is acting like a complete cock!
He is manipulating you! Why write suicide notes if he wasn't going to do it? He is attention seeking and trying to make you feel sorry for him. Don't fall for it!
Are you still living together since he was dumped by his latest floozy?

hobbgoblin Thu 27-Aug-09 11:39:02

I can't be bothered to reply to someone who calls women 'slapper' over and over tbh. Be hurt but don't be a spiteful witch about it. Call this man you are thinking far too much about some choice names, at least you know what an arse he has been.

twoclimbingboys Thu 27-Aug-09 11:46:54

hobbgoblin - are you serious? Presumably these women knew he wasn't single. In which case 'slapper' isn't too bad or witchy a description imo. Although I do agree I would save my anger for him, not them.

hobbgoblin Thu 27-Aug-09 11:53:18

You see, you use the word 'presumably'. My dp's ex wife thinks I had an affair with her DH. He told me that they had separated and showed me their house for sale in the newspaper - which, incidentally, she had put on the market. So how comes she still thinks I had an affair? I'll never know the truth of it but if someone were calling me a slapper (as she probably has done) it would be unfair and untrue. Dyswim?

I like the idea of sisterly behaviour which is why I deplore women who knowingly have affairs with men as much as I do men that do the same. Too often women get more angry at the women involved instead of their idiot partners/husbands.

Whichever way you look at it. The OP doesn't make nice reading depsite the anger and hurt.

twoclimbingboys Thu 27-Aug-09 12:15:23

I agree with what you are saying hobgobblin, but I think your response to the OP was a little harsh - she is venting in a horrible situation. Especially when the women could have been knowingly having affairs.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 27-Aug-09 12:23:02

He's blaming you, because he'd rather not take responsibility for your own actions.

It's far easier to load the blame on you and play the victim, than stand up and be a man and agree that he is a complete loser and not worth your time or emotional energy.

Fwiw, I'd call the other woman a slapper too under these circumstances, he was clearly moving between the two of you, you have children together, and a work colleague would know the relationship status of one another IME.

I'd go to CAB, and find out where you stand financially, then pack his bags for him and apply for all the benefits you are entitled to.
But that's just me.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 27-Aug-09 12:23:25

for his actions!

skihorse Thu 27-Aug-09 12:23:34

I agree with the others - and whether these women knew or not that he was not fully available - your anger must lie with him. Unless of course the women in your town have a reputation for drugging, kidnapping and long-term rape...

Don't waste any more time on this man though! shock

Seabright Thu 27-Aug-09 14:05:49

Agree with Fuzzywuzzy, he's blaming you because he thinks he can & because he think's you'll take it. Threatening suicide like this is the most selfish thing he can do and he's doing it to try and make you run after and "save" him.

He probably woun'd have the guts to go through with his threats, but if he did, never forget it's HIS choice not your responsibility.

Be strong for yourself and your children and ignore him. He wants attention and like any toddler throwing a tantrum, he'll stop when the attention stops.

sooey76 Thu 27-Aug-09 16:45:16

Sorry hobbgoblin, I can see it from you point of view but BOTH knew he wasn't available, second even wanted to be my friend!both also have bad reputation (1st was supposedly sleeping with the boss to keep her job).2nd hounded him for months. No he doesn't live with me and the ex is nice actually, spoken to her quite a lot over last few days. She DIDN'T know he was in a relationship.
I just have the police round constantly as he says he's going to kill himself, so they come asking me what I know and I'm getting really fed up, and theres nothing I can do, it's really getting me down. We have kids together and I don't want them blaming themselves when they are older. I read somewhere that children whose parents commit suicide are at greater risk of commiting suicide themselves.

AnyFucker Thu 27-Aug-09 19:03:45

err, correct me if I am wrong

you are no longer in a "relationship", he ended it in May. Correct?

So why all the drama? Do you like drama?

Because I cannot see what else you are getting out of this situation. Who gives a fuck what is going on his head? It seems like very murky waters to me and I would not be going there.

Tell him to fuck off and stop getting involved in all his little romances and histrionics.

Protect yourself and disentangle yourself.

But I suspect you don't want to do that.

YoVicko Sun 30-Aug-09 12:58:43

I should imagine that regardless of whether sooey76 wants to be involved with his behaviour, at the end of the day he's the father of her kids and probably he contributes financially - difficult to extracate yourself when his stability could affect these.

mathanxiety Sun 30-Aug-09 23:41:21

Call the police next time he says he wants to commit suicide. Really. They will take him to the hospital if you ask them to, and the doctors can sort it out from there. Suicide threats are not your problem. They are the ultimate in manipulation. though. So call his bluff. He sounds like he has Borderline Personality Disorder, with the affairs, the loving you/hating you and blaming you, the suicide threats, the manipulation in general. He does not love you. Disentangle yourself. You will never have any peace otherwise. He will not change.

hambler Mon 31-Aug-09 01:06:19

agree with hobgoblin

HappyWoman Mon 31-Aug-09 08:18:53

he is blaming you because he doesnt want to face the truth that he is to blame for his situation. He wants to be the victim and wants women to make him feel better about himself.

The threat of sucide is terrible but i doubt he would carry it through and if he does then it is his responsibility.
as for there being more chance of your dc following in his behaviour - if he does have a mental problem they may well inherit that but at least you have the chance to help them.

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