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My instincts are screaming something is very wrong.

(13 Posts)
Agola Thu 27-Aug-09 10:30:20

I've had some concerns about DH spending habits for some time. We do not have a joint bank account and share the housebills equally. Aside from the main bills, he withdraws hundreds of pounds from his bank account every week. Trouble is, I have no idea what he spends it on and I only found out by sneakily looking at his bank statements. I became suspicious during a recent mortgage application when it became apparent he had greatly overstated his savings and understated his credit card debt. He also 'forgot' to tell me about additional monthly income he received from his wealthy parents. He barely drinks, does not take drugs, works regular hours and is rarely away from home overnight. He does not spends much on clothes or gadgets and we do not dine out in expensive restaurants. I have raised this issue with him several times and he has offered no reasonable explanation. I've asked if he gambles, uses prostitues, has large debts, children from a previous relationship. He denied all but my insticts tell he something is very wrong. I earn my own money so please do not think I am upset that he is not spending enough on me!!

I am going crazy with worry imagining all the worst possible scenarios. I probably will not like what I hear. I am not sleeping well and feel very down about this. His parents are wonderful and we have a very relationship but and am reluctant to get them involved. Any advice on how to get to the truth?

mrsboogie Thu 27-Aug-09 10:36:07

I suppose gambling is the obvious one and the easiset one to do on the sly, have you had a nose on his computer or phone?

what does he say exactly when you question him?

Agola Thu 27-Aug-09 10:41:04

He looks at me intently with his big blue eyes, swears on my life and on DS'life that he would never do anything to hurt us!

I did think gambling might be the problem - pattern of withdrawls from his bank.

twoclimbingboys Thu 27-Aug-09 10:51:10

how does he explain the spending then?

countingto10 Thu 27-Aug-09 11:10:31

My DH had/has a gambling problem and believe me if hundreds are being withdrawn it sounds like that. They are in the grip of something they cannot control at that moment in time, it is a self-destruct button and they will lie to avoid you knowing the truth until they can hide it no more.

My DH borrowed thousands from everybody, friends, credit cards, banks etc. He had/his own business and access to hundreds of £s.

My DH is in control of if ATM but both he and I recognise there will come a day when he may cross the line again. I have access to all bank a/cs now and will question him on every withdrawal and will want an explanation etc. We both know this is necessary.

We may still lose everything if the HM Customs & Excise have their way sad

Good luck and stay calm if you can.

AnyFucker Thu 27-Aug-09 19:08:18

never trust anyone who "swears on someone's life", especially their dc

red flag for lie lie lie

Bellsa Thu 27-Aug-09 19:11:36

As twoclimbingboys says-how does he explain it? It's clearly upsetting for you. Pin him down. Explain it's upsetting you and you need to know to put your mind at rest. That is not an unreasonable request.

WhoSaidIWasGhandi Thu 27-Aug-09 19:15:31

He might honestly believe whatever he is doing isn't 'hurting' or going to hurt you and your dcs. If it is gambling perhaps he thinks he's got it under control. Or he's in denial, which is probably closer to the truth.

Whatever he believes though really is irrelevant. He's being dishonest. You deserve the truth.

WhoSaidIWasGhandi Thu 27-Aug-09 19:16:42

Oh and trust those instincts

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 27-Aug-09 19:36:57

He says he wouldn't hurt you as he doesn't see what he is doing is hurting anyone.

You need to show him it is hurting you.

Overmydeadbody Thu 27-Aug-09 19:43:06

He is hiding something, the moeny is either going on gambling, drugs, and/or women.

Just ask him outright. As his wife you have a right to know.

Overmydeadbody Thu 27-Aug-09 19:45:48

Yes, never trust anyone who swears on you or their DC's life.

Sure sign they are lying.

Tamz77 Thu 27-Aug-09 20:20:26

Second the others - I had an ex swear on HIS son's life over and over there was 'nothing going on'...actually he was robbing me and spending the money on other women...

Best to be cynical. If large amounts of money are disappearing with nothing to show for it...

And 'hundreds of pounds every week'? That is A LOT. Read it back to yourself.

Expect the worst and hope for the best, and (((hugs))

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