Help! Should I leave....(17 Posts)
I really dont know where to begin.
I'm in a relationship and have 2 children. Over the past year or so things between me and my partner have just deteriorated. We hardly speak, we sleep in seperate bedrooms and I don't fancy him anymore. He makes me feel useless and will always have a dig at me if he can. I am financially dependent on him so he controls everything. I've recently been put on anti depressants due to my stress levels and feeling like I can't take much more, but I think its all caused by him.
I think I want out but am very scared and don't know what to do or where to begin.
I'm very sorry you're living like this. Do you know why things have deteriorated between the two of you has something happened in the past year, or has he always been like this but it's only now that you can't take any more?
There is always a way out if that's what you want, it is scary but maybe not as scary as the prospect of living like you are now for the rest of you rlife.
What about counselling? If not for the both of you together maybe for yourself to help you through this time and try and get yourself in a stronger frame of mind.
And financially you are entitled to benefits and maintenance if you ever were to split up, so don't think that you have no way out at all because he earns the money.
I'm assuming you are a SAHM.
You feel you're dependant on him and that he's in control because of finances but do you think he's controlling you aswell through puttin you down and making you feel so crap and stressed?
Why would he be doing things like that?
If the relationship is abusive then no counsellor would want to see you jointly. If counselling is to be considered you would need to go on your own.
Womens Aid are helpful in such situations and could give you pointers too. You could also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.
We've always been like chalk n cheese bu its only recently that I've started to realise that. I am a SAHM and if it was not for my children I don't think we would be together anymore.
He pays all the bills and gives me a monthly allowance. But when I buy things he always has little dig, like 'oh well I'm a firm believer that if you don't REALLY need it then don't buy it'. Or 'don't you think the children have got enough of .......'
I am constantly on edge, even when he is at work. My mind is constantly spinning. He is not abusive, he is not that way at all.
I did suggest counselling about a year ago and he just said 'we dont need that, I know exactly what the prob is, lack of s*x'. He thinks that is all it is down to.
Thought he would turn his nose up at counselling as well, such people often do. No counsellor anyway would counsel you both together because of his abusive behaviours towards you. He would also streamroller you in any counselling session and make it all out to be your fault.
What is your definition of abusive in your mind if you do not think that being constantly on edge, verbal putdowns and your total financial dependence on him are part of his abuse towards you. It is very hard to acknowledge being in an abusive relationship but the effect of all this on your children too is incalculable. They are learning damaging patterns from the two of you and this is not a legacy you want to leave them. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. How would you feel if say a daughter of yours met and got with someone like your man?.
You and by turn your children would be undoubtedly happier without his malign and controlling presence in your everyday lives. They can still see their Dad and they have a right to do so. It is better to be apart and happier than be together in your own respective miseries and anguish. You have written yourself that if it was not for the children you would not be together. It is always a mistake to my mind to stay in an unhappy relationship for the children; they won't thank you for doing so and could even one day turn around and ask you why you put him before them.
Attila your words are so true. I had always thought staying was better for the children but I didn't look at it from their point of view. They probably know things are not right but will start to see that as being normal. We hardly ever talk so they must see that as strange. Having a happy life with them is what is best, being the best mum I can be.
If I'm honest he stops me from being the Mum I always thought I would be. I'm grumpy sometimes, moan at them about unecessary things that I feel would upset him. I treat them the way he thinks I should. I want to be the best Mum,I want to be like my Mum was to me.
But how do I get out, how do I bring up the conversation ?
You need support (from wider family and friends too) and a plan to leave. This is why I suggest you contact Womens Aid (they have a helpline, number does not appear I think on the phone bill) and that publication by Lundy Bancroft. You need to be fully aware of how and why these men operate the way they do. Controlling men do not let go of their victims easily either (hence the plan).
Talking to him will get you precisely nowhere. Just plan for your own selves and make steps to leave. I never say leave at all lightly but all he's doing currently is dragging you all down with him.
Keep posting, you will get support here as well.
Thank you so much for all your kind words, its making me feel better.
Believe it or not I opened a new bnk ac last week at a different bank to what we use. I'm going to put a little away when I can.
I will contact Womens Aid, I didn't know if Citizens Advice could help too?
I need to be in control of this situation and I'm not, that scares me too.
You're very welcome.
Do speak to WA as well asap. They can help and won't judge. I'll put up their details for you.
Seek as much outside help as possible and get support too from your family and friends. The more you do this the more you can set things in motion. Taking baby (small) steps will lead to a hopefully brighter future for you and your children.
You do need further advice and information. CAB could help you as well with financial stuff, its worth contacting them.
Helpline FAQs - Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline, 0808 2000 247
Of course you should leave.
You only have one life. A relationship should enhance that life, not make it more difficult, unhappy, or stressful to the point where you are on anti-depressants as a result.
You will cope financially as a single mum, that is what benefits are for.
I'm glad you are feeling better already and have got loads of great advice from others here already.
Once you have the dtrength to leave actually bringing it up and breaking the news to him won't be so hard.
You need to leave this bully for your kids sake as well as yours.
Thank you ladies, I'm actually feeling a bit more positive.
Will call that number, thank you very much.
I'm now just worried about how to bring up the subject and actually move on, hopefully Womens Aid will help.
FabMum - you've had great advice - I wish you well and lots of luck and strength with leaving, and all the benefits it will have for you and your wonderufl dc.
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