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ex husband or family who do I choose??????

(11 Posts)
demonpants Wed 26-Aug-09 15:30:53

Just over a year ago I left my husband, we had had a very rough time after 1 still birth and 2 miscarriages and I was really depressed money was tough then I discovered he had got us into serious debt with gambling. We have two children and I walked out on him as he promised he'd stopped gambling etc and I couldnt handle the fact he'd lied to me after everything else had happened that year. We have ben very amicable over the last year and we stay in each others houses so the kids can have a nice family environment but my parents and siblings hate him and dont understand why I would do this.
Last week when I was staying with him I discovered he has been seeing a lady and I was completley distraught I couldnt stop crying and told him I still loved him. He begged me to come home and has promised to do whatever it takes to keep me and the kids happy-even giving me his bank details to prove he is no longer gambling! I spoke to my folks and said I might be moving back with him, they were distraught and can barely bring themselves to talk to me. I love my parents dearly and they have done so much to help me WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!

ConstanceWearing Wed 26-Aug-09 15:36:04

There is a middle path between being split up and moving straight back in together. How about some counselling, coupled with some dates with your ex to see if you do really have what it takes to stay together? You needn't tell your parents anything until you are more certain ine way or another.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Aug-09 15:39:42

well, things are rarely black and white
as your post demonstrates

but if you want an either/or answer, I would choose your family

there is a very good reason he is your ex

just giving you his bank details proves nowt

your family are obviously aware how much distress he caused your family and the lies he has told

what has he actually done, in their eyes (and yours), to change

I presume he has broken many promises before, they want to protect you

if you were my daughter, so would I

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Wed 26-Aug-09 15:40:14

If you genuinely believe there is a future for your marriage and both of you want to cautiously give it a try, then you can't decide not to for the sake of your parents.

Of course they are worried for you. They will require a lot of reassurance and want to see that you are going into this clearly and rationally.

Your husbands gambling, although bad, was an addiction and if he can prove that he has recieved help and it is behind him, it shouldn't make him the bad guy in their eyes for the rest of his life.

Your stillbirth and miscarriages were tragic and it is not surprising you became depressed and your marriage suffered. But these are not reasons for your family to think that your husband is no good. It sounds like you are both being very mature and positive in your current handling of the children.

Can you write to your parents if they wont talk, outlining, how you feel?

demonpants Wed 26-Aug-09 15:44:29

We have been out a couple of times since I confessed, he lives up north and I live in the midlands, I was very truthful and told him exactly what he had done to hurt me and why we split up, I wasnt exactly blameless either as I didnt appreciate at the time how much he was grieving too although he didnt really mention this he just sat there and has offered to remedy everything that he did wrong. Ive never told my folks the full story, just the bad bits about him, now I really am so confused! do I take the risk of another go of my marriage or should I always live wondering and possibly regretting.

junglist1 Wed 26-Aug-09 15:45:42

Don't move back in together. I'd go very very slowly, until he totally proves himself to the point of being able to manage his own finances

mumsiebumsie Wed 26-Aug-09 15:49:47

Firstly - the situation doesn't appear to be that you need to choose your DH over your family. Your family will more than likely be there for you either way, especially as you have children. But rather - the questions is should you re-unite with your husband right?

Now sounds like some seriously traumatic things have happened to you recently:

1. Stillborn child
2. Miscarriage
3. Depression
4. Discovered DH's gambling debt
5. Split up with husband

All that to happen in 1 year is awful! But rather than fight to re-unite your family and prove to you that you're all he wants in his life, your DH has been shacked up with some ladyfriend! And despite this you still want him back?

I don't get it. hmm

Not saying that you should never ever take him back (if he no longer gambles then he's clearly fought to give up what is a serious addiction) however he clearly didn't mind finding comfort in the arms of another lady - that bit I'd find hard to get over. You need to do some serious talking and reassessing before you even contemplate moving in with him.

demonpants Wed 26-Aug-09 15:49:50

I said if I do give it another go I wont move in till next year so it gives us a chance to get to know each other again I really worry about the money troubles though. He seems so much more in control of everything now and Im working full time these days, I wasnt before which was half the problem, but Im just one of lifes worriers. I think Im more terrified of my parents reactions and I love them being close to my children it really upsets me when I think of the distance we will have between us both mileage and emotional but I still love my husband and the kids need their dad

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Wed 26-Aug-09 15:51:12

I agree that you should take it more slowly before moving back in. You've only just established that you want to give your marriage another chance.

As junglist says, let him prove his financial stability. Give yourselves breathing space. Maybe consider counselling together for the loss of your babies,if you haven't already. All of that will make your family much happier.

Good luck with it all x

diddl Wed 26-Aug-09 15:53:45

If you go back, will he slip back into his old ways?
You don´t have to choose one or the other.
Your parents have seen how he has treated you & upset you.
They don´t want it to happen again.
They would get over it rather than lose you.

demonpants Wed 26-Aug-09 16:00:12

I hope they would get over it, I just hate to hurt their feelings they worry alot about me.
I asked him if once I was back would he return to his old ways and he said he would try his very best to be the husband I want and that we need to work as a team to make the marriage work, whereas I didnt tell him how I felt before I just walked out on him with no explanation, which is kind of true I suppose. The other thing is I have become very independant financially and emotionally so I know I will be different with him. It is a bit of a worry though that he was with another woman, its not bothering me now as it was well and truly over but now I think about it should it bother me? Sorry if Im going on a bit but I havent really got anyone else I can talk with!

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