Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Alright so, i'm wondering if anyone has dealt with the situation i have.
I am a few months shy of 18, and my long term boyfriend (who just turned 21) and I just found out we were pregnant.
I am aware 1.) i'm quite young, 2.)he is quite a bit older then me, and 3.) most people look down on me for not being sure if we will keep it or go through adoption, but that's not why i'm posting a thread.
So before we found out... things weren't always the greatest with us.
We fought a lot from how different we both are, have gotten in a few push fights, done some awful things behind eachother's backs, and have said some pretty awful things to eachother.
We have both discussed that we never wanted children as well.
And that i would most likely get an abortion if it came down to it.
But then...after weeks of being sicker then a dog, we find out i'm pregnant.
Of course we're scared, but it's nothing that we can't face.
Well what i'm curious about it, after we found out i was pregnant, he has been nothing but the nicest guy i have ever met.
He took care of me when i was sick, has been running out to the store for me at all hours of the night to get whatever my craving was.
He is nothing but sweet and understanding when my horomones get the best of me
and has told me that he has decided that he needs to grow up and be the best he can be for our relationship.
At first i thought he was just doing it so i would ease into an abortion more... but then he even expressed that an abortion was not an option, as was the way i was starting to feel about it(is it normal to be excited about being pregnant no matter how sh!itty your situation is?)
What i'm wondering is, has anybody had this happen?
To have a crappy relationship, but all the sudden when you become pregnant everything turns around?
And have it be...well...legit?
Not just something behind it?
I know for the moment he is being completely genuine...but i can't help but try to be sensible and analyze it to death while thinking that maybe something sketchy is behind it, you know?
bumping for you incase anyone been in similar situ
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
thing is, the reality of actually living with a demanding baby is very different to being pregnant.
I hope it works out for you, and as someone else said, maybe it's a wake up call, but if you were my dd, (my eldest is almost 15)I would be asking you to think very very carefully.
I was 19 when I found out was expecting DD1, but my shitty relationship stayed shitty throughout the pregnancy. He actually got a bit better after DD was born, and we were happy for about a year. Then it went tits-up again when I was expecting DD2, and we split not long after.
Sorry, I dont know if that will be of any use to you.
Chelsirenae, could it just be the novelty of it all for him?
I know this sounds terribly negative but while it's great that he is being nice to you now, people don't usually change. I wouldn't be surprised that, if and when the baby is here, he resorts back to his old ways.
Babies put alot of stress on a relationship and some men just cannot cope with that.
Whatever your decision, be prepared to carry through that decision alone.
I really hope you have lots of support in real life and make sure you come on here lots if you need to.
I think what you need to do is make a decision that suits you about the PG and continuing it, and then make sure you have support network and practical plans in place to raise the baby alone. It may all turn out very well, but he may bolt when the novelty wears off, or he may be one of these creepy men who think pregnancy 'settles a woman down' and expect you to stay at home and service him while he runs around doing what he wants.
It's not bad having DC when yo uare young: you are physically best eqipped for it, and you will still be young when the kids are old enough to be independent.
wasn't just his old ways though was it? OP has been clear about them both being badly behaved in the past.
Anyway if you are both clear you don't want a termination then there's only the option of going forward with the pregnancy.
Are you in the UK OP?
Usually men get worse rather than better when a woman gets healthy in a less than functional relationship. However it's not impossible that it could go the other way.
The only advice I can give you is that if you think you know how hard life is with a new baby you should times it by 100 and that's how hard it really is. It is also very, very stressful on the relationship. So you need to do two things:
1) Seek out and ask for any and all support and help that is available to you. Get networks of support around you both. Do not depend solely on him. Do not think that you can't do it without him (hopefully you won't have to). If things go bad again there will be other people to support you. Do not lean on him for everything - try to keep some independance, whether emotional, financial whatever.
2) You really need to both understand that the baby comes first in everything from now on. I am not patronising you - this is sometimes difficult to get your head around when you are young. The baby's physical and emotional needs will have to be met 24/7 from the day it is born - no matter what is going on on your world or his. This involves protecting yourself from emotional harm also - if your partner mistreats you he is being a bad father and preventing you from being the best mother you can be. If this happens he you might be better parents apart.
If you can manage the above you will be doing your best for that baby.
I am 21 and had a baby when I was 20 with my partner who is 5 years older. Our relationship hasn't been the best and has actually got a lot worse since DS was born
Your situation is really difficult to judge - he could be genuinely becoming more mature and wanting to support you, on the other hand it might all be an act. Sorry if this post comes off as negative by the way, I tend to assume good intent with everyone but at the moment am falling foul of it so... that might be colouring my reply a bit. Hopefully someone older and more experienced than me will be able to offer a more balanced view.
I think it would serve you well to keep an eye out for danger signs, without becoming paranoid. Remember pregnancy hormones can make you overanalyse things and feel more paranoid but overall, listen to your gut instincts.
You say he is looking after you and getting you presents, things for your cravings etc, which is lovely and more than my P did for me! But the danger here is if he is doing it in order to "store up points" - so if he is not doing it simply to make you happy but because he is expecting something in return, whether that is something physical or an emotional commitment - ie not letting you go out or something.
Mrsboogie, no it wasn't just his old ways, I hadn't missed that fact in the OP, but I was trying to answer Chelsirenae's specific question about his behaviour and why he may have changed and whether the momentary change was likely to be indicative of his behaviour from now on, iyswim.
Well, you won't know until you find out. Have you thought of going to baby care or childbirth classes together so you will both have a better understanding of the fun and games that lie ahead? You could also see what his reaction to the classes is and see if he is still feeling committed to the baby or having cold feet. I don't think age or marital status have anything to do with how a P reacts to a baby, but general temperament and maturity levels, plus knowing what sort of family life he had might give some pointers. How did his dad behave? What sort of mother did/does he have? Does his family like babies and treat them well or do they think of them as screaming little nuisances?
Putting your boyfriends opinion aside, do YOU want to be a mother?
Congratulations darling. I hope it all works out beautifully for you.
Please be sure that the decision to keep the baby is both yours AND your boyfriend's.
3 years age difference is nothing.
(BTW, my sister was in a similar situation to yours: she got pregnant aged 19, had only known the boy for a few weeks. They had the baby - a beautiful daughter - and went on to get married and have another. They are now divorced and my sister is marrying again, but I know for sure that she does not for a moment regret her decision to go ahead with the pregnancy)
first to answer questions:
Yes, i know that raising children isn't fun and games.
My eldest sister had her first baby when she was 16, then another at 18.
Though she didn't live with me and my mum
she went down into a slump and we took care of her babies for a few years.
My sisters, brother, and mum, as i was growing up and to this day, are all my best friends.
They all know, and whether they would prefer if i kept the baby, they are very open to whatever decision I feel is best for me.
The boyfriend is working on telling his family,
I know it would be hardwork...and though I didn't have the greatest life growing up...
I think i'm aware enough of all of my resources to keep me and the baby happy, with a few luxary items here and there.
I want to be there for the first words and first steps and first day of school... every up and down.
And i'm not sure the boyfriend understands that.
Well he... gah, it's a terrible story all in all
but to put it short,
his mum basically got raped when she was young, hence came her pregnancy with him.
But later on she married a great man, from what i understand.
He has some bitterness towards her that slightly worries me sometimes...
but i think maybe with some help he can overcome it.
Now questions about us-
I don't work at the moment, i just moved to a big city and i will be starting college in a month, to later on transfer to a four year college.
He doesn't work... he's a musician who couch surfs.
Yeah, i picked a winner haha.
But it just frustrates me because i know he has so much potential, and he has so much other stuff he wants to do like college, but has been made to think he can't do it.
I guess maybe that's why i've stuck out the bad times...
To show him that i'm not going to lose faith in him like everyone else, including himself.
Because i know the person inside of him is worth so much more then what he gives himself credit for.
But things are getting a lot better now...
We never had even went on a date until a few weeks ago (ha!)
But things are beginning to be more about us and the baby, rather then whoever individual.
I guess i'll just have to wait and see...
just trying not to get my hopes up that everything gonna be fine and dandy from now on.
But thank you all for the advice so far...
It's nice to hear people actually trying to help me rather then scold me for being so young and well, i wish i had a dollar for every time i heard people call teenage mums sluts and to keep our legs closed.
It honestly means a lot to me.
how far along in your pregnancy are you? i think you sound mature beyond your years and what ever decision you make, you will always have your head held high!!!
OP you sound lovely and pretty switched on actually. To be honest I think you are going to need to be.
I wonder if he sees this baby as a bit of a life line because so many other things aren't working in his life. The trouble with this is that it can't last, he may be being fabulous now but believe it or not this is the easy part.
Alot of what you say about seeing his potential and wanting to be there for him sounds quite worrying to me, he is older than you, you are about to have a child who is going to need you and you are not going to have the energy to support this man, you will be the one needing the support. I think you need to make your expectations very clear, for a start he needs to get a job and start addressing the practicalities of his life. You sound like you are already doing that.
I hope you keep posting on here because you will get loads and loads of fabulous advice. I have been posting for a couple of years MN has helped me out of a lot of relationship scrapes.
I am or can look quite a young mum. There are fantastic young mums out there. You sound great, very sensible and aware of the facts.
Some guys find the pregnancy exciting and lovely, but DO NOT grow up or enjoy being a parent for ever more. It takes a lot of getting used to for both of you, but men don't seem to always feel the pressure of responsibility is theirs.
You can talk and talk but you wont be sure until you see your guy working, earning, providing, loving and generally being the guy you need. You can love a man, and he can love you - but just wont do the things you expect as a bare minimum. However you will not find this out for sure for a few years...
As you will be the pregnant one you will rely on him. Do not be confused about that. As you will be mum you will often be reliant on him. He may be a lovely guy, but it can be so FRUSTRATING to have a man who will not Grow up and Be A Man! Sorry to sound negative, but we pin our hopes on men supporting us, or we think we can do it all alone, and you need to be aware it can be very hard. When baby comes you don't want to be feeling disappointed but able to just enjoy your new child.
I don't think you sound mature beyond your years. I think you sound confused and naive and very much 17.
Please don't make this decision yours AND your boyfriend's.
You are not even an adult yet and are in what has, up to now, been a destructive relationship. Realistically the chances are that if you have this baby, you will be bringing it up alone.
I'm concerned that your boyfriend said that "abortion is not an option". Whether or not it is an option is entirely a matter for you. He doesn't get a say, no matter how nice he's being to you at the moment.
The decision to have, or not have, this baby is yours. You must make it for yourself, bearing in mind what you want from your own life (which at 17, you aren't in much of a position to know).
Please try to get some impartial advice from a trained counsellor to come to a sound decision on this that you can live with. Could you get in touch with the college you will be attending and see if they could provide you with this kind of service now (you don't have to tell them what the exact issue is, just that you need some pastoral care due to personal issues).
uh, yes i believe it IS important to hear what he has to say, seeing as i didn't get myself pregnant.
and i completely agree with him, abortion is NOT an option for us. especially now.
i think you are missing the complete point, actually.
i'm not asking for advice on how to bring up my child.
I'm not stupid or misinformed, of course i have gone to my college about everything that is going on to get help with what i can.
like i said, i know my resources.
you don't know my life, or even what country i'm from, don't assume that i don't know what i'm talking about.
i don't need professional help with this, this is a modern day dilemma that i have been a part of already a few times in my life.
But like i said, you are completely missing the point of why i posted the thread in the first place.
I am just bumping in to the second trimester... yay to not being sick anymore!
Oh believe me i know... but he is trying, on a day to day basis he is filling out applications and putting out resumes, and i'm very proud of how hard he has been working to make himself better.
I realize that i emotionally can't afford to take care of myself, and the baby if i don't decide adoption, and then take care of him too.
I have made that very clear to him that if that is the case, that we are better off as only in eachother's lives for the benefit of the child if we keep it.
I cannot stress to you all enough that i FIRMLY believe that his opnion matters.
He is a human being, the father of my child, and has became my best friend and is all together the person i love and care for.
I know ultimately that what is chosen is mostly my decision, but i absolutely will NOT rule out what he thinks and his morals on it.
Of course i'm not saying all is swell with life at the moment...
friends don't stick around once you can't go out and party all the time, or when they realize friend drama is nothing compared to the things i have on my plate to figure out.
And family gets torn because i have not decided on what i should do...
they think because of their status they have say in what exactly i should do.
And not even things with the boyfriend is anywhere near perfect...
his love for music overpowers his life for the most part, and we both know he has a lot of growing up to do...
i know that you can't change somebody.
i really, truly understand that.
but could i be so wrong for giving hope to him that maybe he realized he needed to change himself?
in order to better his life?
i've always been the person to try to find the good in people,
i just wish pregnancy didn't have to alter everything.
GAH my hormones are up the freaking ying yang.
Does that ever go away the whole nine months at all?
by the way, thank you all again for the kind words and advice.
like i said above, without friends... it's hard to be my age, even any age, to be without the girlfriends you have had for years in this type of situation.
"But it just frustrates me because i know he has so much potential, and he has so much other stuff he wants to do like college, but has been made to think he can't do it.
I guess maybe that's why i've stuck out the bad times...
To show him that i'm not going to lose faith in him like everyone else, including himself.
Because i know the person inside of him is worth so much more then what he gives himself credit for"
I think you value your own self poorly and you are setting yourself up for a fall.
I have heard similar so many times and these women who want to rescue and or save their useless man. You are not there to rescue and or save him from himself, he is responsible for his own actions and he makes a conscious choice to be a man who does not work and couch surfs. He made a choice not to go to college, he could go if he really wanted to. But he does not and won't even if you do encourage him to do so. He will always find some excuse not to do it. He sounds like a lazy so and so.
Who is actually going to support this child once born?. You are going to be a mother to a child, you do not need a second "manchild" to take care of as well. You sound like his Mother in parts.
You cannot fix someone like this, whose issues (like your own) are deeply rooted. You saw how hard your sister (who also became a parent very young) found child rearing in the early years and now you are doing the same. Your relationship with this man to date has not been ideal either.
I think you could be a great Mum but I think he won't be around long term to support you or his child emotionally or even financially. I sincerely hope I am wrong but you need to prepare for those eventualities as well. And you certainly can't continue push fighting with each other as you have done.
I just wanted to offer some support, I too became pregnant at a young age, 18. My boyfriend, liked the nightlife, although did have a job.
Everyone kept saying your too young, you don't have a place to live, we both still lived with our parents at the time......but, he too seemed to step up, he stopped going out so much, stayed in with me, (I had hyperemisis), came to the hospital appointments with me and the times I was admitted onto a drip. We searched around and found a house, and 15 years later we are still together and we now have 4 DC, he is now my DH,
My point is that sometimes it does take something big, for some men to step-up.
I would encourage him to get a job though to be honest, it will be really hard to bring up a child without a place to call your own and some income coming in. Maybe he can still do his music a couple of evenings, or a Saturday, depending on his future job!
Good luck in whatever you choose, and rememeber there are benefits to being a young mum, once they are at school you are young emough to still have choices for yourself, such as retraining, a job, or a nightlife,
You sound very immature and very young.
ALL 17-year-olds think they are mature.
Some are, most aren't.
I really feel for you, and your baby, too.
I wouldn't want to be born to someone who is so attached to this guy, because he sounds like a loser.
My husband was in his early 20s when our first was born.
But instead of wallowing and being unemployed he increased his hours at work to support us and me.
He put us and making things stable for us and the baby first.
That's what maturity is.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.