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OH forgot DD's birthday today and I heartbroken.

(20 Posts)
npg1 Tue 25-Aug-09 21:55:40

My head is in a strange place at the mo, I am on antidepressants, OH took a year off to do an MBA, lived away coming home at weekends for years now.

We have 2 young children, I dont work, bring up the kids on my own.

He seems so wrapped up in himself, all he talks about is himself and wants money.He flew to germany sun to start a temp job for 3 weeks.

well anyway it was dd's 3rd birthday today, he didnt phone all day so text him an hour ago to ask if he was ringing tonight. He phoned and I asked loads of questions about how the job was etc etc and then he asked me in a dull voice what I had been up to and I said' been very very busy today', 'oh doing what?', was his response and I had to tell him it was his daughters birthday today. He then said 'oh shit, im so busy' which is the response I get all the time. I couldnt believe it (but part of me could), I dont know how I feel, hurt, angry, withdrawn? I dont know.He then said 'is that all you have called me for to have a go at me?'

What would you all be feeling and how would you have dealt with that?

GypsyMoth Tue 25-Aug-09 21:59:43

i'd be livid..

however,what do you mean by him asking for money?? what money if nobody works?

he's gone from you all,physically and mentally,unfortunatley emotionally also!

npg1 Tue 25-Aug-09 22:04:25

Hi, not sure what you mean about him asking for money? He has started working again now, we had savings to fund the year off he had.

He seems like he is obsessed with money, wants to work all the hours, loves working a challenges, very career minded indeed. Never satisified with what he's got, always wants more and better but thinks its me who wants nice cars and houses etc but actually I dont, I just want to be happy.

What do you mean he has gone from me?

MaDuggar Tue 25-Aug-09 22:08:45

He seems to have distanced himself from your family unit. You dont appear to be on his mind much at all. Is he 100% committed to this relationship?

GypsyMoth Tue 25-Aug-09 22:12:16

naduggar answered that!!

no proper dad would forget a birthday...sorry,but even with an ma and job,he shouldn't be forgetting.....what else is occupying his mind? cos it isn't you and his kids is it?

bibbitybobbityhat Tue 25-Aug-09 22:15:39

I would, very sadly, be feeling that I was married to a complete arse and would be starting to make a plan for divorce.

Am very sorry that you have had this truly horrible experience.

npg1 Tue 25-Aug-09 22:24:23

I am sitting here in tears, this isnt the first thing that has made me feel shit the past few weeks.

He just wants loads of money and work, I really do think that is all that occupies his mind. He says he is committed and his way of providing for the family is to provide the money and send the kids to private school etc, never do we have a nice 2 week holiday anywhere or similar. I nearly 28 with a 6yr old and 3yr old (today!) and very scared about the future.

I am not happy, dont think I have been for years. Cancelled our wedding about 5 yrs ago because I got cold feet, so we are not married. I dont have a job. He upsets me alot of the time, like tonight. I cant enjoy sex anymore (partly because of these AD's), I sometimes look at him and cant stand him.

AHHHHHHHH, what do I do, im so upset.

kittywise Tue 25-Aug-09 22:25:19

There is a huge alarm screaming out here. Can you not hear it? shock

npg1 Tue 25-Aug-09 22:32:10

Im not sure I can, or not sure I am just trying to ignore it for a supossibly happy life and not splitting the family up?

ilovemydogandmrobama Tue 25-Aug-09 22:38:20

Right, so he forgets his DD's birthday, and you tell him and he says, 'I'm so busy..' hmm

sorry, but the normal response is, 'Happy Birthday DD!'

It is not about him. What a self indulgent asshole.

Agree with Kittywise. The alarm must be deafening by now.

GypsyMoth Tue 25-Aug-09 22:42:50

you're worried about the family splitting up....its already split!!

sorry,you are upset and dont want to hear that,but to tell you otherwise would be a lie,like the one you're seemingly living. sorry. but he's already left.

dont send him anymore money....his true colours should show then..

npg1 Tue 25-Aug-09 22:47:21

I know I just ignore the alarms, I am so scared. My parents spilt up when i was younger and I swore I would never put my kids through that.

I am not sending him money. He supplies the money, he works and save money like no ones buisness (i actually dont know how much he has stashed away) I stay home with the kids. He pays for everything and I dont know how I would cope on my own, bringing up the kids and working etc.

GypsyMoth Tue 25-Aug-09 22:49:45

well you would cope,i can tell you that much!

not much of a life is it. when is his ma due to end,and when is he due to return home?

FarkinBarkin Tue 25-Aug-09 23:13:51

So not only did he forget his own child's birthday but he didn't even care that he'd forgotten. shock

Is he really thinking about his family when he sets out to earn more and more money or is it all about boosting his own ego?

cherryblossoms Tue 25-Aug-09 23:49:51

npg1 - No wonder you're so sad; it sounds very grim. Do you have friends around, or family, that you can talk to? What do they think about your situation?

There are two things, probably related. Firstly, your relationship with your dh. It is possible that he is simply not committed to you all BUT I have known friends with dhs like yours and, in fact, when they were seriously pulled up on their behaviour, they did change.

I have to warn you that in one case, it required friend getting so pissed off she kicked her dh out. That was the wake-up call for him. She meant it.

So, for a start, you need to accept for yourself how awful this is making you feel, that your feelings are legitimate, that you need things to change. Then, I suppose, you must tell him that. Maybe counselling? Could you get him along to counselling?

Secondly is your depression. Your post makes you sound oddly distanced from your emotions. I don't know why you're on ads but I do wonder if you need some sort of counselling for you, rather than just ads - could you see your GP about it?

At the very least, it sounds as though it's not helping you sort out how you feel about your situation.

My personal feeling is that your situation is contributing to feelings of low self-esteem and depression. How could it not if you are feeling abandoned by the person you were once so committed to, you had children with them?

There are quite a few women (on mn, even) whose partners spend large tracts of time away BUT the commitment is in evidence, and it works (though I'd guess it's always hard) and there are many families where one parent (or even two) is seriously committed to work. But it isn't working for you and it's OK for you to tell your dh that.

Good luck.

npg1 Wed 26-Aug-09 09:44:28

Thanks for being so kind cherry.

Firstly I dont know how I feel because I met him when I was so young and he is always brainwashing me into thinking how he thinks. I have got stronger the past few years and stand up to him now but I just feel like its all his way or nothing.

He has told me he wont got to councelling together but I have been thinking of doing it on my own to try and find myself again.

Depression side, I had PND 2 years ago and back on them because I have been feeling low, I have also realised over time that I am alot happier in the week and then weekends come and I get stressed out.

I have lots of friends and family around, spoke to my friend on the phone last night but dont like to talk to too many people.

I personally dont think he will ever change and doing this MBA course has certainly made his head stronger. He changed abit in the past but things are back to normal again. I have left him in the past but went back, I do love him

We went on holiday last week and he cant even enjoy it and his enthusiasum is crap.

FairyLightsForever Wed 26-Aug-09 09:59:24

"I have also realised over time that I am alot happier in the week and then weekends come and I get stressed out."
I think this statement tells you everything you need to know. Why are you worrying about coping alone, when you already ARE coping alone?
Other than money, what is he bringing to your life?
I am not suprised that you are depressed when this is your life. sad it could be so much better.

elmofan Wed 26-Aug-09 10:02:36

oh npg1 , i feel so sorry for you sad , our dp is out of order imo , it does sound like he is totally wrapped up in his own interests & there is NO excuse for forgetting dd birthday , his reaction to you reminding him was very defensive hmm .
i hope you are ok ,

Cluckadoodledoo Wed 26-Aug-09 10:09:40

If you do split your children are so young they should be able to get over it relatively easily if it is handled well.

Mine were a similar age when I split from their Father and the kids have been absolutely fine.In fact things have been better for them!

My releationship was similar in that my ex worked away most of the time. I think that also helped the kids cope more, they were not used to their Dad being around.

Ironically since we split he makes more of an effort with them and they have a much better relationship. There are more important things in child rearing than being able to pay for private schools, hopefully one day he will realise this!

This is where counselling can really help especially Relate, they help couples split as painlessly as is possible as well as saving relationships.

You are young enough to start again.

BonsoirAnna Wed 26-Aug-09 10:12:16

If he is an MBA type he will want to work very hard and earn lots of money - that's what defines MBA types!

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