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going round in circles .... how do i stop the cycle?

(20 Posts)
bonkerz Tue 25-Aug-09 19:15:13

i have posted lots on here about my relationship with DH. After the last time i did try to observe my own behaviour. Dh actually moved out for a week and since he came back things have been ok but just recently i have noticed we have started going round and round again.

I will be honest and think most of our issues lay in the fact that i place alot of emphasis on sex. I have noticed that i tend to go in a cycle......
generally DH and i will have sex within a week.
*2nd week nothing in the bedroom department even though i try and dh generally rejects me.
*3rd week i start to withdraw from dh which makes me stroppy and feeling rejected, unloved and insecure
*dh starts snapping back and we end up rowing about it all again

this cycle happens all the time. I have spoken with dh about it, i have admitted i struggle with the lack of sex and affection in our relationship, he generally acknowledges that he has no sex drive and finds the whole act unnecessary and that he is not good at displays of affection.

i dont know how to break this the end of the day i cannot live in a marriage that has no physical relationship.

bonkerz Tue 25-Aug-09 21:30:48


bonkerz Tue 25-Aug-09 22:00:30

ok i wont keep bumping.

GypsyMoth Tue 25-Aug-09 22:02:42

write it all down,on a calendar or something. then show him!

GypsyMoth Tue 25-Aug-09 22:04:23

sorry,just re read that. i'm the same,no way could live without anything!! why is he like this? is it recent or since you've known him?

bonkerz Tue 25-Aug-09 22:10:44

i really dont know why he is like this. he wasnt when we first met, it started about 3 years ago. we have been married 6 years in october.
he knows are sex life is bad.....he admits that its down to him.
the problem really lies in that i get so insecure and rather than be rejected i start making arguments about anything.
he says he still finds me attractive, he says he loves me......but he doesnt show me this at all. kisses and cuddles are non existant and im a very affectionate person BUT when i try to kiss or cuddle him he says stupid stuff or rejects me.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Aug-09 22:34:42

I haven't seen your other threads, but has he seen his gp ?

Could it be a physical problem that is easily sorted? Many men are just too plain embarassed to admit stuff like this, and would rather offend you than discuss there is a problem

bonkerz Tue 25-Aug-09 22:54:19

he has no physical problem, that was one of the first things i asked as he is insulin dependant diabetic. he was depressed and had 8 weeks off work recently BUT we worked through that , he took a 7k pay cut and i got a job to make up the shortfall so he now has a less stressful job but we have same money coming in......he was on anti depressants for 6 months and also had therepy.....unfortunately the only thing we have not done is relationship counselling but thats a cost issue as relate want £26 a session and we have to pay for 6 sessions up front, we tried to get GP to help here and have been told we dont qualify for any help there.
I hate living like this, yet again i am having to decide between going to bed and laying next to him feeling rejected and ignored or to stay downstairs on the sofa so atleast there is a reason for no affection tonight.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Aug-09 23:03:48

I don't know what to suggest, tbh

although don't diabetics often have erection problems, even if well-controlled?

something to do with the blood vessels of the willy I believe

the depression is possibly also a factor, anti-D's affect libido, so maybe this is continuing even after they are finished 'cos he has got into the habit of not wanting sex

sorry, I seem like I'm making excuses for him, but you are obviously both suffering from this

at the end of the day though, to quote an oft-quoted poster, nobody has the right to withdraw sex as part of a committed relationship if the other partner is not in agreement

you are well within your rights to give him an ultimatum to seek further help or risk your partnership ending

bonkerz Wed 26-Aug-09 10:09:50

thanks any......i gave him the ultimatum last time which is why he left for a week cos i told him he had to decide what he wanted. I know he has no problems getting an erection and when he wants sex he is absolutely fine.....this is the is ONLY WHEN HE wants needs dont matter.
i dont know, maybe this cycle is normal but its making me feel worthless.

perdu Wed 26-Aug-09 10:22:04

Bonkerz - I am having the exact same problem with my DH! I do know how frustrating this is as it is driving me wild.

I am currently in a moody phase with DH, we had a fall out a few days ago, made up then he rejected my 'moves' so I fell rejected and hurt again....I find myself becoming less and less 'forward' with him each time he pushes me away. It also makes me so cross - feel it is a defence mechanism. Makes me feel so childish sometimes though.

It really is a vicious circle. Your thread title really rang a bell with me...

perdu Wed 26-Aug-09 10:23:35

Wish I had the answer - this cycle is slowly eroding our relationship too. Otherwise we are a great couple, good sense of humour, same interests blah blah...

bonkerz Wed 26-Aug-09 10:26:20

thanks perdu, im glad its not just me......
we have doing this for so long now and to me the cycle is obvious now but i dont know how to break it at all.
I know that when me and DH do talk about this i can actually tell you exactly how the conversation will go because it is always the same and usually involves him saying i blame him and me saying no i know its a problem i have BUT i do beleive that if he knows where the problem lies (lack of sex) that he is the only one who can change that as sex is always on his terms. I refuse, at age 30, to be in a marriage where we have sex once a month........i deserve more than that!.

perdu Wed 26-Aug-09 10:36:47

Oh yes I agree!

I said just the same to dh this morning. I am however nearly ten years older than you and told him that I am wasting (a bit strong I know) good years of my life when I want/need some passion in my life.

One difference with us though is that DH won't argue with me. I just get rejected and all cross and moan at him and he says nothing and does that whole 'going to his cave' thing....GOD! So I look like the bad guy and all because he can't muster the energy to give me a good bonking!!!!!!!!!!

I long to be ravished over the kitchen table and I have told him this many times but to no avail. He says he is 'scared' of me! FABULOUS!

bonkerz Wed 26-Aug-09 10:52:29

lol i know the feeling......My dh is 40 and wont argue either.....when we do DISCUSS he tends to become the victim and i hate that even more beciause he just says
'thats it all my fault as usual, you always criticise me....' etc etc
having a bottle of wine the other day with my friend i actually pondered having an affir just for some passion and to feel sexy again. I think im at the point where if i KNEW dh would never find out that i would do it BUT i know that its not really an option because i wouldnt risk my marriage like that BUT at the same point i will not stay in a marriage like this, kids or no kids i have needs and i deserve more than this right now.

I slept on the sofa last night (4th time in 7 nights!) Dh now knows im moody and he tried to kiss me before he went to work BUT i find it hard to respond because i feel he is just doing it because he knows it will shut me up. Can almost guarentee DH will come home from work today or tomorrow and will initiate sex ..... i have 2 choices, i accept and we have sex then he thinks everything is fine again or i reject him to make him realise how it feels and then i will be on my period again so he wont have to do anything for another week and then we will start the cycle again!

perdu Wed 26-Aug-09 11:01:47

Oh Gawd - this is just tooo familiar.

I feel that I have to push him away to mirror his lack of passion for me too. Makes me want to scream.

I have tried being laid back and letting him watch tv in bedroom (ffs) and then we have no sex for weeks. He doesn't complain.

I have two options too.

1) don't worry about it, be 'nice' non complaining wife and no bedroom life

2) say things when I am hurt and rejected as feel (like you) I have a genuine and reasonable need/desire to be lusted after. Even just wanted would be enough.

Wish I knew what the answer was. I am like you and just get so hurt and angry that it is difficult to deal with rationally!

I have tried being 'sexy' wife and getting into bed in say just knickers. He casts me a shocked 'oh christ' look and so I still keep calm and just get in and hug him. Still no passion and I feel that I have made enough moves by then. sound familiar? I might be a bit quiet next day until he asks me what's wrong and then I will let rip. Just so pushed away, hardly the stuff for another night of passion any time soon?

perdu Wed 26-Aug-09 11:04:02

I have got to go out now but would be happy to discuss this further.

I do understand....

perdu Wed 26-Aug-09 22:30:19

Bonkerz - I was thinking about you today and realised that I should tell you that I am more tolerant and less focused on DH's behaviour when I am working.

Just so happens that I am not working ATM and have worked sporadically over the last 12 months for one reason or another. However, I have noticed that I am easier on him when I am occupied with work and the whole routine that goes with it....just a thought as I noticed from your profile that you are a SAHM.

Sorry if this is not the case any longer! How about some part time work to shift the focus?? May indirectly sort things out and give you a lift?


bonkerz Thu 27-Aug-09 08:41:02

strange you should say that perdu i am actually starting work 3 hours a day on 7th september........mind you being home with 2 kids one who has asd is a full time job! LOL

i got rid of the kids last night, Dh bought home take away, i had hinted that i could give him a massage earlier on in the day......we ate our tea......then he sat and ignored me for 3 hours despite the fact that i said 3 times shall we go to bed........i made a real effort last i slept on the sofa again cos i didnt want to be rejected.
Dh has just left for work without saying a word so he now is certain why im moody although i havent actually told him. the pattern usually goes that we will now ignore each other for 3 days, i am due my period on saturday so it all fits the pattern.

does anyone have a brick wall i can talk to and bang my head on please????

perdu Thu 27-Aug-09 22:48:51

Glad to hear about the work. I think it sounds perfect, enough to give you something else to think about.

I think you'll be surprised how much easier things will be (???), I am less preoccupied with DH's downfalls when tired from work and you will find yourself a routine to fit children in too I am sure.

Is DH under pressure to 'perform' and therefore crumbles? How is he if you don't say anything and just seduce him when you are in bed together? Just thinking that it's not going to get any better with you on the sofa...

Would you be ok to just put up with him for a bit, let both of you relax with a night out or if no babysitter what about a low impact/stress (ie for you with DCs and DH) day out to a park or cinema and pizza. I wonder if you need to shift the focus to the parts of the relationship that are good and maybe he will relax and feel more confidant and then you could approach him about the problems?? I find that when I am rejected I just start ranting and raging because I am so hurt but know it would have more of an impact if I approached it from a calmer viewpoint where I was more conciliatory and willing to work to a solution rather than my usual moaning that DH is at fault....dunno.

I have given DH my views and for the time being things are long it will last is another thing.

I do hope your relationship with DH can improve. Do you love him? I think that you do or you wouldn't feel so rejected?

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