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Did I make this happen?

(30 Posts)
Rainbowsherbert Tue 25-Aug-09 18:19:10

My ex and I are just splitting up. We have had a lot of splits then get back togethers etc.

I recently found out that while we were together he was repeatedly unfaithful to me and one of these involved him being in a threesome with two other women. When he first told me I felt numb and ended the relationship once and for all. As time goes on though I am feeling more and more upset by everything he got up to. He also confessed to me that he used to search for prostitutes on the internet before his nights out and then go and see them at the end of the evening before coming home.

He says he has told me everything now and I should give him another chance. He told me so that we could give it another go. I don't want to give it another go, I would never trust him again. He is staying here at the moment till he finds a new place and I am just so angry with him. I can't stand to look at him and hate him being here. He frequently asks to borrow money from me and I absolutely hate lending it to him. I hate handing over money to someone who has treated me the way he has. He says I should separate my emotions from things like that and just get on with it. Also says that if he had been satisfied at home it would never have happend. He makes digs about me "being alright" (because I am staying in the house with dc) and says "well youve got a roof over your head" etc, just really smarmy comments like that, says I am selfish for making him move out and this was his flat to begin with. I didn't do anything though, I didn't know anything about what he was getting up to and was always faithful to him, why SHOULD i move out? Why is he being such a pig about this? Not only was he unfaithful to me repeatedly but he resents me for ending the relationship and is giving me a hard time for asking him to leave. Please give me some advice on what to say to him. I am not very articulate when I speak when I get angry and just end up raging when he makes these comments. Am I selfish, is this my fault, should i move out? I am so confused about everything. This is very long, apologies.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Tue 25-Aug-09 18:23:51

Totally not your fault, and the fact that you believe that it could be your fault shows how this pig of a man is eroding your self esteem.

I would not trust him again either.

What is the situation with the house - who owns it?

Rainbowsherbert Tue 25-Aug-09 18:26:22

Joint tenancy council house. We are married.

PaulDacresCrackWhore Tue 25-Aug-09 18:29:51

He's walked all over you, rubbed your nose in his affairs, and wants you to forgive him. This isn't your fault - he is a complete and utter dickwad.

If you have problems getting your point over when you talk, how about writing things down? And get some support on this from friends and family. Tell the council he's moving out (so you can get single-person discount on council tax), get the tenancy in your name only, change the locks.

You deserve so much better than this.

ChocHobNob Tue 25-Aug-09 18:32:17

I think some relationships can be healed after infidelity. I think the key to whether they can or not is how the person who did the betrayal acts and treats their partner afterwards. If they really felt remorse for what they did and wanted to make things right, they would NEVER blame their partner for them straying. They would accept responsibility for what they did. They are an adult. No matter what a partner did to them, they never had any right to go and cheat on them. They should have just walked away.

It is not your fault. He made the choice to cheat. Nothing you did could make what he did OK. You are not being selfish and don't you dare let him make you feel responsible for his actions. If you do not want to give him another chance, then he'll have to accept that and move on. Don't let him bully and wear you down with his comments.

Why is he borrowing money off of you anyway?

Rainbowsherbert Tue 25-Aug-09 18:44:43

He spends all his wages at the beginning of the month and then borrows in order to get to work etc for the rest of the month. I feel guilty I suppose, well Ihave done, I am beginning not to feel like that anymore though.

Overmydeadbody Tue 25-Aug-09 18:46:59

Of course you did not cause this.

He is the bastard who has lied, been dishonest, cheated on you and abused your trust (not to mention expose you to STDs), he actively made those choices, no one forced him to, least of all you.

It is not your fault and he cannot blam you. He is worse than scum.

Why even bother trying to talk it through with him? Just keep it to a minimum "this relationship is over, leave now". End of.

Go to the council and have him removed from the tenancy. Easy to do, you are the one who needs the council house with ids, not him.

And don't lend him another penny. If he has no mney that is his problem.

I am fuming on your behalf. Men like him make me sick.

Overmydeadbody Tue 25-Aug-09 18:50:02

STOP feeling guilty.

He is a grown man, he needs to take responsibility for his actions. If he has no money to get to work that's his problem, not yours.

You are not his mother, don't feel guilty. Fuck him.

PaulDacresCrackWhore Tue 25-Aug-09 18:51:30

(Applauds OMDB)

Rainbow - get angry for as long as it takes to get him out. Do Not believe a word he says. You really do deserve much better.

Rainbowsherbert Tue 25-Aug-09 18:52:26

Thank you, you are right about not bothering to talk things through with him, he just knows what to say to needle me though, really unjust, unfair things and I find myself desperate to defend myself. I am PMTing at the moment and I think that makes it worse, I am able to ignore him a lot of the time but today I he just tipped me over the edge. I can't stand this idea that I am selfish for making him move out. I know I can never make him see how wrong he is. I think there is something wrong with him. I feel guilty when I hurt other people. He says that he feels bad for what has happened but then says things like that. I just want to disconnect from him and not be bothered by what he says but it is so hard.

ChocHobNob Tue 25-Aug-09 18:55:10

Do you have children?

If not, I wouldn't even so much as acknowledge him in the house. I would absolutely hate to live in a house with someone while we're in the process of divorcing. Does he not have parents or a friend he can go and kip on their sofa?

Do not give him anymore money! You've no reason to feel guilty. x

PaulDacresCrackWhore Tue 25-Aug-09 18:55:34

Give him a deadline to move out by - then you've only got so long that you need to blank it for. Get visitation with DCs sorted with a third party if you can so you don't have to have him come to the house to whinge at you/borrow more money etc. Do you have family and friends nearby? And can you see the council this week?

ohjustgrowup Tue 25-Aug-09 18:58:05

Don't you effing dare to feel bad about this. It is not possible that you have turned him into such an utter areshole?! I am nearly speechless with rage on your behalf. What a scumbag. Get rid. Protect yourself. Get someone who deserves you and don't let him twist your thoughts around. AARGGHH

Rainbowsherbert Tue 25-Aug-09 19:46:22

I do have dc. He has a deadline to move out in approx 2 weeks, says he will be paid by then. It helps that everyone is so angry on my behalf in you replies because i havent written the half of it on here. Even just with this you are outraged. Makes me nto question myself so much.

What would you say when he makes the smarmy comments (he does it often) and I feel helpless with rage. Would you just ignore him? Just someone tell me something to say that is dignified and suits all occasions because I can't help getting angry and I don't want to do that. Have dc around. He also regularly says he wasnt ready to be married before but he is now and thats why he told me the truth! Great! that makes me angry too. He doesnt seem to understand that his behaviour is the problem NOT my reaction ot it.

Overmydeadbody Tue 25-Aug-09 19:47:17

Yes, if you can't kick him out now then give him a deadline. Stay away from the house until then if you can.

And you know what, what the fuck is wrong with you being selfish (not that you are) and putting your needs ahead of his?!?!?!?

Nothing, that's what. At the end of the day you are responsible for you only (and your kids), so you are allowed to put yourself first.

God knows he did when he was off fucking prostituts. If that's not selfish, I don't know what is.

He's a bastard. You don't need to defend yourself against him. Whatever he says, just ignore it, or nod nd say "mmmmm" while keeping your head in a book/sudoku/crossword

PaulDacresCrackWhore Tue 25-Aug-09 19:50:31

Dignified response might be 'we've discussed this and you're leaving because I can no longer trust or respect you'.

How old are DCs - can you get away with putting large memo somewhere obvious for STD checkup?

And have a look on to check your benefits position once he's gone - if you can do without him financially (as it sounds like you do atm) then that'll be so much easier for you too.

HerBeatitude Tue 25-Aug-09 19:54:41

OMG what a massive sense of entitlement he has.

"I've told you everything therefore YOU owe ME forgiveness".

What a prick.

You owe him nothing. Don't let him make you feel guilty. He obviously has no conscience whatsoever, he wants to try and prey on yours.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Aug-09 19:54:53

don't give him any more money, you do realise he is probably spending his wages on other women don't you ?

stop trying to understand him, stop trying to make him understand how his actions have hurt you

it will never happen, he has convinced himself he was entitled to treat you worse than the shit on his shoe

stop getting angry, stop giving his pathetic excuses any headspace

get cold, get focussed, and for christs sake, get him out

Anniegetyourgun Tue 25-Aug-09 19:57:07

My sister advised me to practise saying "Whatever" in a very bored voice. I don't think I ever actually used it, but I enjoyed the practising grin

Just say "I don't have to listen to this", and then look terribly absorbed in something else. If it drives him so crazy he starts acting aggressively, that's a bonus; the police will make him leave.

Oh, and I agree with everyone else about not lending him money, unless he's spending it on rent, food etc for all of you.

PaulDacresCrackWhore Tue 25-Aug-09 19:59:05

Well let's be honest - it's not likely to be 'lending' money is it? Just Don't Do It!

Overmydeadbody Tue 25-Aug-09 20:04:58

Most dignified responce?

Just Echo back whatever he says to you, with a serene smile on your face, keeping your nose stcuk in the book/sudoku/crossword/magazine that is far more interesting than the conversation.

Him" you're such a selfish bitch"

You: "mm, yes, I'm such a selfish bitch ...h... 4 letters, starts with t, ooh what was it?"
fill in crossword.

Fuck him. Don't give him the time of day. Rise above the lowlife scum.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 25-Aug-09 20:08:09

I hope you are not still fucking him.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 25-Aug-09 20:10:21

Gosh yes. I was going to say "you don't know where he's been", but you do now, and it isn't very nice at all.

expatinscotland Tue 25-Aug-09 20:12:01

I agree 100% with OMDB!

The fuck you should give him another chance!

The only thing you make happen is what you actually do.

You aren't responsible for the actions of a grown adult.

Don't give him a penny!

Get to the CAB for legal aid and divorce his book ass on grounds of adultery.

Malificence Tue 25-Aug-09 20:14:45

What a horrible, vile man - he's shown time after time that he hasn't got a single ounce of respect for you.
His shagging around is all about his inadequacy, not yours, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
I don't know how you haven't stuck a knife in him - I would have.

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