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am in such a mess

(33 Posts)
candlewick Tue 25-Aug-09 15:45:31

what do you do if your dh loves you so much that he smothers you, is practically obsessed by you but you no longer feel the same? I been with my dh since i was 18 am now 42. He works away a lot but when he is home he wants to be with me constantly, comes clothes shopping with me, spoils me, but i get texts if im ten mins late from work, he tells me what shampoo to use, likes other men looking at me but he does really love me says im his life.
We have 2 dcs 14 and 16 but i bt them up a lot on my own.
The trouble is i have fallen hopelessly in love with another man. He is not married but was with someone 20 years bt no longer. I have tried to fight it so has he. He went away for 3 months to work give me space,I booked romantic holidays for me and dh but I cannot get this other man out of my mind. He wants me to be with him marry me we hav talked and talked. He tells me what Ive got to lose is he worth it and should he go away again for me to make mmy marriage work?
I have tried and tried but just dont feel the same abt dh anymore. I love him and care abt him but not the same. I think abt this man from morning til night if i had no kids I wd be gone tomorrow, I have given this so much thought.
It wd be awful but i cant go on like this. I dont want an affair. I feel like i shd leave our home but cant leave the children. They used to being without their dad but it wd be awful. I also cant get dh to move out because that wd be awful.
I love this man there is no dbt but what on earth do i do? He said he'll wait for me til kids get older but i cant live a lie.

wheniwishuponastar Tue 25-Aug-09 15:48:36

goodness. what made you go off your dh in the first place?

candlewick Tue 25-Aug-09 15:54:27

I dont know sounds awful but feel like i sort of left him behind. I met him first when i was 15 have nver been on my own as an adult.
He constantly talks about the way i look says i look like a model bla bla i dont care about that. He has no other life except me wants me to go evrywhere with him says he wants to show me off.
He also deeply loves me I know that but I am quite independent he has worked aways so much.
This other man is nothing to look at its not lust, when i look at him i feel like i have come home.

wheniwishuponastar Tue 25-Aug-09 15:58:04

have you said to your husband (gently) that you (perhaps) find it slightly offensive (or another word) that he focuses on your looks so much, and that you value other things apart from this?

candlewick Tue 25-Aug-09 16:00:47

yes all the time. I told him i feel smothered. i mean its flattering but too much. He says he cant help it wont change. i am scared but i think i will somehow end up with other person. Not slept or eaten properly in months thinks i have breakdown soon.

diddl Tue 25-Aug-09 16:03:03

TBH, it sounds as if hubby needs to give you some space!
I´m hoping he doesn´t also tell you what clothes to buy and what to wear when you go out!
You know that an affair isn´t the answer.
The thing is, do you really not feel the same about hubby, or are you trying to justify how you feel about the other man?

candlewick Tue 25-Aug-09 16:10:31

Yes he likes to buy me clothes and underwear and doesnt tell me what to wear exactly but likes to give his approval.
I know what you mean abt justifying.Am i finding fault with dh because i love someone else? I think ive not been happy for a couple of years but this just made me realise
it. Dh is a good man his life is me basically would kill him if i left i wd dread telling him but i also do not want to look back in 5 years with regret. sppose either way really. I think i made up my mind it just the dcs they are so important.

wheniwishuponastar Tue 25-Aug-09 16:11:29

perhaps if he knew you were on the verge of having an affair he would take what you say more seriously. saying it is flattering but too much would not stop anyone, it sounds like when you are given a present and you say, 'oh this is too much, you shouldn't have'. It may be that he thinks you like it. Unless you say it seriously, that it is not flattering at all and it is turning you right off him, he is unlikely to stop.

if you aren't sleeping or eating, you might want to have a course of sleeping tablets for a few nights to get you back on an even keel so that you can think straight.

diddl Tue 25-Aug-09 16:14:54

You have to tell your husband that he is smothering you, I think, & see if you can work things out.
There´s no guarantee either that anything with this other guy would work out.

purplepeony Tue 25-Aug-09 16:15:24

Oh poor you.
I think you have to separate out these 2 issues.

If the OM was not around, would you want your DH? that's the real issue. If the answer is no, then break up- you are young and if you cannot envisage another 40 years with him then you have to leave- no matter how much hurt it will cause.

Then, if you are on your own and want the OM he will wait.

candlewick Tue 25-Aug-09 16:17:24

oh we have had arguments about it really serious ones and long talks. I just dont feel the same abt him anymore. Hes not perfect gets a bit obnoxious when he drinks and so on but im not perfect either. i know it wd be devestating to break up my marriage and i cant believe i am thinking about it but i am totally and utterly in love selfish tho i am. My family have noticed i am not myself, work has i am going mad. Also i cant see how my marriage cd ever work again because if you have such strong feelings for someone else how do you stop it. If dh ever knew that he would not want to be married to me anyway.

candlewick Tue 25-Aug-09 16:21:46

thanks so much for your thoughts have got to pop out tho my bf has just called me as she so worried so I am going to see her. And i know i sound selfish believe me i wdnt like me much x will check back i a bit

dittany Tue 25-Aug-09 16:22:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

candlewick Tue 25-Aug-09 16:24:00

oh pp i think i wd have stayed with him for sake of kids. I suppose him working away gives me break and i jst managed tho I breathe sigh of relief when hes gone. I will be home at six just got to see my bf thaks so much x

mustrunmore Tue 25-Aug-09 16:27:46

How long have you felt like this about the other man? Not including the 3 months away. How much time have you actually spent with him?
I dont doubt for a minute that you feel better with him than with your dh, that you might be better suited, that its a whole different ballgame. But I want you to make absolutely sure that its not just that the other man is a breath of fresh air, and the newness of it all isnt still clouding your judgement.
And have you seen the other man's crap side? Have you seen him cross and grumpy and inattentive? If you have, and its been a long time that you've known him, and its ok, then maybe you should be with him.
But if you didnt have him, would you rather be with dh or alone? Would you rather be with dh if he could change a bit? Would you stay with him for the right reasons, not just because its an easy option life-wise?

candlewick Tue 25-Aug-09 18:44:31

I know i asked myself all those questions. I know he has a crap side and i would have to be so sure before i did anything. I never thought about leaving dh before, hes away so much but lately he has really irritated me and i cant wait for him to go back. Years ago I hated him going away.
Life wise there is no money problems. We are well off the other man is well off. I ask myself would i want to be with him in a flat with no money and the answer is yes.

mustrunmore Wed 26-Aug-09 09:55:51

k. I'm gonna ask you some more things. I dont want to sound negative, I just want to be devils advocate for a while. In all honesty, I'm so impulsive I'd prob go in your position. But of course its a huge thing and you need to be so so sure.
1. How old are your kids?
2. How is he with them?
3.Have you actually exprienced him being horrible to you? Have you argued? Are you totally sure you're not seeing it through rose coloured glasses?
4. Are you sure its him, not the change that is appealing to you? Would it only be him you would leave for, or could you imagine doing it with anyone else real or imaginary?
5. Are you sure the smothering feeling you get abour your dh isnt just because you're reacting against his efforts to be nice? Is your judgement clouded by what you feel for the other man at the moment?
6. Picture the actual day of leaving. Could you really do it? Imagine never being the same with dh again, leaving your homeand your comfort zone. Would there be any awkwardness living with the other one? Would you be happy once it all settles down to be humdrum and domesticated, and the honeymoon period is over?


candlewick Wed 26-Aug-09 15:01:54

1. They are 14 and 16
2 and 3. He hasnt met my kids have kept it totally separate although he hs grown up kids of his own and he is good with kids.
4.I am sure it is him. Have never responded to anyone else before though Im not sure about rose coloured glasses. He is a very likaeble popular person and that is what attracted me to him though I know living with him is a different matter.
5. Yes i see what you mean about smothering am i trying to stop my guilt by making dh to be the bad guy. I dont know, have not felt happy for a couple of years. He has just sent me flowers from work and i feel sick with guilt but dead inside. I am sure its because he is feeling insecure.
6. I have pictured it and it fills me with dread but if i totally felt it the right thing to do I would be able to do it. I would lose a lot of friends I am sure of it
What an idiot I have been to let this happen.
I acutually dont know if i could make my marriage work because the guilt will always be there.

mustrunmore Wed 26-Aug-09 15:48:17

I dont think it would be the guilt, it would be the 'what if' feeling that would linger tbh.
On the plus side, I think you're trying to be realistic, and he does want you seriously, so you do have alot to be secure about in that sense.
You know the sensible thing to do would be to not see each other for a time, and see how that makes you feel about dh and the other one. But of course we never do the sensible thing. We are so sure of our feelings and ourselves that we think things like that are good in principle but not necessary for our own situation.

mustrunmore Wed 26-Aug-09 15:51:27

And the really big thing of course is that if you're not happy with dh, you should be leaving because of that and only that, and going straight to someone else probably wont do you much good in terms of independence and headspace and all that, even if you think are are very balanced and you are going to the oher man through logical and considered choice. I guess what you need to do is imagine yourself living alone, bringing up your kids alone, all the hassle of access for dh and babysitters when you want to go out etc, and the financial side, and the emotional side of being alone. If this all seems preferable to being with your dh, then leave.

mustrunmore Wed 26-Aug-09 15:53:45

Oh, and as for friends... true friends will understand. The people you lose as a result of changing your life are not true friends anyway, and its a good way actually of weeding out smile Your genuine friends will always stand by you and stay friends, even if they disagree with your personal decisions.

candlewick Wed 26-Aug-09 15:55:53

Yes you are dead right about the what if feeling. I think to myself what in 5 years time i never did it would i regret it but what if i did and then i regretted it I just dont know. I am trying to be realistic. I battle with myself constantly. He is going away again soon and i should tell him no texts phone calls or anything. If i am strong enough to do it is the question. I am now going out to run my kids somewhere and I look at their faces and feel so guilty.

candlewick Wed 26-Aug-09 15:57:35

mustrunmore your posts are great. They are really steadying me and makeing me see things in a different way. Thanks so much. I have to pop out for a bit now, just want to say thanks.

mustrunmore Wed 26-Aug-09 16:04:04

But this is primarily to do with you not your kids. Of course they are a huge consideration and will be affected by your decision, but please base this on what you feel. Its not going to be the right decision if you're doing it for your kids not yourself.

You're not going to like this, but I do think that if you cant manage wihout contact while he goes away, it might be because you need reassurance from him? That it will be ok, that you two are ok together? That maybe you've just got used to the habit of constant contact? Are you worried about lack of contact affecting the relationship you have? You know if he's yours, he will come back just the same, and if he doesnt, he was never yours anyway. Cliche but true.
If you both feel so strongly about each other, you should be able to feel secure enough to not be in touch but know everything is fine, and pick up where you left off when he gets back. But of course I know thats so so hard, it'll seem like wasted chances to see him or talk to him whn every moment is precious. Its going to hurt more than anything else in the world ever has, but I do think its the best way to get a clear idea of your feelings towards dh. I also know that you think you can do that whilst being in touch with the other man, but trust me, it really is clearer without.

mustrunmore Wed 26-Aug-09 16:06:04

Candlewick, its no problem smile You just hit a sad but familiar chord, thats all. I'm very happy to talk to you offline if you want? Email or text or something (or in person if you happen to be around Southend for the next four days like we will be!!!!)

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