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Confused, unsure what to do, need some words of wisdom

(5 Posts)
missevie Tue 25-Aug-09 09:06:25

Hello, I've never posted here before and was directed here by a friend who's a regular visitor.

I'm not really sure where to start or what I'm expecting but I'll try to give as much honest & open information as I can

I've been with my dh for over 20 yr married for 15 and 5 beautiful dc but I feel something is seriously missing in my life.
I do love & care for my dh but I'm not sure if I'm 'in love' with him anymore?. I have suffered from depression for many yrs
which is controlled with meds but sometimes I still get really down.

I've tried so many times to discuss this with dh, unsuccessfully I'm afraid, and tried to tell him that things get
on top of me and then I get really upset and feel that everything is out of my control. We're very different in our ways.
I was quite fiesty and would stand up for myself in the earlier yrs but it seemed to cause many rows and dh said I
needed to change my ways if I wanted things to improve. I did, and now I'm very laid back about stuff and don't like
to row if it can be avoided.

If I need him to do something I'll ask then wait a few days before reminding him but it just goes on for months on end
at times before it gets done or not at all. I've tried to be more assertive but that doesn't get me anywhere either.
If anyone asks me to go out or do anything with them I'll always check with dh first to ensure it doesn't clash or
interfere with any plans he has that I'm not aware of. Where as, dh does as he pleases without running anything past me.

We've recently heard that our close friends are emigrating and during a discussion I said it would be nice to retire
somewhere possibly in Europe when all the dc have grown & left home but it's not something he would consider. It's not
a big issue but it just got me wondering what had happened to us. We used to both want the same things in life but
it now feels we both want totally different. It isn't just the emigrating thing theres so much more that I don't want to
bore you with.

We have our up's & downs but it feels like the downs are longer and more frequent and the up's are quickly knocked
down again. He's quite a lazy person and doesn't help much (if at all) around the house unless we have planned guests
then he will help at the last moment because he can see I'm getting stressed about it all.

Each time I attempt to talk to him to try to sort things out and get things off my chest, he either blames it on
my depression or promises to make changes but never follows through with them. I don't want to throw 20 yrs away
but I just feel so trapped in a marriage thats more like a houseshare. Romance is something way in the past and sex
is very rarely shared but is fine when it is. I have no interest in anyone else or wish to go through the palaver
of starting over again with another man, I feel too old for all that and tbh wouldn't feel comfortable or brave
enough for that.

He says he loves me and would never want us to split, but the words just don't match his actions. He will jump for
a family member or friend if they ask him for anything, yet me, his wife can wait for weeks, months, yrs before he
gets around to doing something I've asked for. I just don't feel like I'm important at all. I'm not asking for the moon,
it's just general jobs around the home: replacing a broken tap, finishing off the fireplace he started to build over
2 yrs ago, stuff like that. Yes, I could attempt it myself or get someone in to do it, but A: I shouldn't have to and
B: I can't really afford to pay someone to do it.

I feel like we've been plodding on for so many yrs and things just won't ever change. He's set in his ways and I
don't think I matter enough for him to change, or at least thats how it feels :-(

NicknameTaken Tue 25-Aug-09 10:54:43

Is there any reason you want to stay with him, other than not wanting to throw away 20 years? If you close your eyes and think of being on your own, is it better or worse?

missevie Tue 25-Aug-09 16:56:11

I'm not honestly sure if theres any other reason?? I guess he's company!! Does that sound sad / selfish?

I know he wouldn't leave and I have no right to make him do so, he's not violent/abusive etc. I would have to leave the family home and the dc will come with me. I'm self employed and dh just does some PT work with his brother now and again so I know he would struggle financially if I where to leave as I'm the main bread winner.

Gosh, it's all so crazy, just the thought of starting all over again fills me with dread but then I have this almost whoosh of emotion if that makes sense that fills me with joy and excitement at the same time.

I don't know if it's weakness, fear, a feeling of failure or financial obligation I feel to my dh that won't allow me to leave.
I feel like I've left the relationship emotionally but still physically here.

We did try relate a few yrs ago and I've discussed that the possiblilty of counselling in some form may help us to deal with any issues we may have but he just says everything is fine and why do we need counselling? He just doesn't seem to want to accept that there is an issue from my perspective and dismisses anything I say and either doesn't want to talk about it at all or tells me I'm being stupid.

I'm 42 and my dh is 40 if that makes any difference. It's not like we're kids and I just feel that we should be able to talk things over but I'm constantly hitting my head against a brick wall with it :-(

NicknameTaken Tue 25-Aug-09 17:04:51

It might be worth trying individual counselling to see what you really want. It's not for anyone here to say stay or go - just that you need to think it through, and be realistic what either choice would entail. If there's one choice that makes you feel alive and another that makes you feel dead, you need to think about that.

How old are the dcs?

missevie Tue 25-Aug-09 17:12:13

I certainly don't feel alive in my marriage and haven't done for a long time. I've tried to be more loving, affectionate etc at times and dh does respond to that but it all feels so forced and not spontanious. I'm in no way expecting fireworks and excitement but it would just be nice if dh would do more to help and be more approachable.

I find it hard to be all sexy and want to show him lots of love and affection when I'm so tired because he doesn't help much and feel as though everything goes in one ear and out the other. Maybe this is just how it is and I'm expecting too much??

We have 4 dc still living at home aged from 9 to 17, so they're not babies but I still feel it would be traumatic for them if we we're to split.

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